Quick Rant #5

I've been in my hometown for 6 days now. I was active the first three days and after a full day of snowboarding, I stopped being active. I've been eating when I'm bored. I've been cooking and baking more also. I can't wait to be back in my apartment. I need to detox and just feel cleansed (physically and mentally).

Holiday Thoughts & Freewriting

I'm still back home—actually I'm back at my parents house, my hometown—and I don't have access to normal wifi or internet. I think being here has kind of numbed my thoughts to where I don't feel the need to always write about it. Maybe it's all the food I'm overeating. Oh well, this only happens a few times during the year :)

I had plans on getting coffee with a good friend during my stay, but he always invited me over to his place instead where there were a lot of people (his sisters, brother, kid cousins and relatives). I was okay during the first visit. I felt flush a few times, but didn't breakout in total sweat.

Last night was the second visit. He wanted me to head over and I resisted at first. I didn't reply back to his text messages until later on in the night. When I get there, I see a bunch of cars lined up. I saw familiar faces and was okay. However, I had that feeling of "overstaying my welcome" even though it wasn't that way. It was more of.... I overstayed my own "welcome" meter and I was just tired and uncomfortable. I wonder, I'm probably sure I'm not the only one, if anyone else starts to get annoyed when they stay at an event longer then they feel they should. I start to listen to someone's conversation and I feel it becomes "fake" when the person is still lively and giddy trying to make it seem like they are like that the whole time.

***

Today, I woke up tired and a feeling of "fullness". I overate last night and I overate this morning. The sun is out and I plan on cleaning my car and getting a bit more active. I have so much "finances" to sort out when I get back to my apartment. I'm looking forward to it. I feel better about the "filing of taxes" this year. I talked to my cousin and his wife about it, and they reassured a couple of things for me and that's why I feel "okay" about it and I'll file my own taxes this year as a "sole proprietor" which is very new for me. If anyone out there has experience in that, let me know so I can ask questions :)

The other night (the night of Christmas), I had a lot of thoughts, worries, and anxieties riding me. I ended up writing an email draft to help me out. Here's what I wrote:


I'm having a mixed bag of emotions tonight. Christmas Lunch was spent at my parents house this year so that meant everyone showed up here. I had thoughts about gift giving and only gave out cash to the younger kids of my cousins.

At the sometime I stressed about all the money being spent and withdrawn from my bank account.

I wad on my feet the entire day. I drive around town doing last minute grocery shopping.

I made my Greek salad as a side dish this year. I also baked some oatmeal cookies that everyone ate. The kitchen and living-room got a bit too hot at times but I was able to cool down.

After this hectic day and putting things away and prepping my stuff for tomorrows snowboarding trip.....

I was feeling anxious, no control, helpless, stressed and a but depressed. It sounds about right. Put myself in a mixed and hectic environment and add some pressure (most likely self imposed) and once the dust settles..... You get the feelings I'm having at this moment.

I need to sleep but I can't, hence the née to freewrite my day and night.

Sent via iPhone (expect typos)

***

I hope everyone had a nice holiday and I hope everyone is looking forward to the New Year. Get your papers, notes, and pencils out. Workout your thoughts and get some plans out in the open. Take action and execute. Work, work, work, and more work. The only way to get better and to progress is to put in the work.

I Needed Tonight to Happen

Please excuse my freewriting. I know if I don't write my thoughts out tonight, I will most likely neglect and lose them.

I really did need tonight's event to happen. After a tumultuous-anxiety-driven week, I really needed a good night to send me off right into the holidays. After concluding my second therapy session and feeling relaxed accompanied by an unexpected panic attack at the grocery store... Or after having much anticipatory anxiety building for a freelance assignment.. I managed to make it through, but feel a bit battered.

My sister invited me for dinner at another tofu house. Yet, I can only recall the last time I went with my sister and brother in-law and remember breaking into sweat and feeling claustrophobic. I dealt with my irrational fears and dealt with the thoughts.

We got into the restaurant. We were seated near a very loud and big group and a very small group on the other side. It was daunting, but I was okay. I didn't wear no hat. My head and face was exposed and any physical panic symptoms I have could be seen. I managed to keep calm. I tried to enjoy the night, not really think about it and when I did feel a bit warm, I just slowed myself down.

On the drive back home, I thought to myself... I really needed this night. I really needed to have a good, positive event to send me off into the holiday's and the rest of the weekend.

I'm feeling better. I wish everyone a happy holiday and a happy new year.

5 Minute Freewriting #21

I have a lot of material I could write about. I could write about my 2nd therapy visit. I can write about my recent job assignment. I could write about the weather and the mood I've been in. I could write about anything, yet I've been unmotivated and back on the "downs" from the recent roller coaster of anxiety and panic. I started to feel limited or constricted when writing. I forget that my writings don't have to fit a specific format, yet I was super hard on myself. I rather put away my thoughts and writings then publish a long and dry entry. It felt like I wrote a bullsh*tted essay.

I'm stuck watching "In Treatment" season 2. I get so heavily involved in the show. My emotions and feelings are in that therapy room whenever I watch the show. 

FaceBook is addicting. It can be fun, but it can be annoying and depressing. Seeing people posting up random fun things that don't necessarily need to be posted make me annoyed, yet I find myself doing that at times when I do have fun things I'm doing. Then there's video postings of people that inspire me. Then there's the occasional stalking one does on FaceBook. I kind of wish I wouldn't have, but I knew I was asking for it. I snooped around an ex's profile. Curiousity, right? I'll never add her or make a move to add her. Everything is mutual, but I just don't want to go down that road. Yet, I still try to look at how her life is. I'll admit, if I see a new photo posted, I'll look for the obvious. I'll look if she has a boyfriend, or if there's a ring on her finger….

**end of 5 minutes **

It's not that I'm jealous or that I'm pining for her. I think it's more about… I'm trying to remember how I was and who I was in the past. I was I able to be social. How was I able to be with her. How was she attracted to me. I don't have the answers, but it all comes down to Timing and Location. For the brief time we were together, it was contingent on location and time. We met during our last years at the University. We shared interests and found comfort in each other. We also had our disagreements and arguments. We had our break-ups and make-ups. It was a time to be young and where responsibilities weren't placed heavily on ourselves. Yet… I do think about her from time to time. I wish I could just say a "Hi", but I won't. I mean I have (for her Birthdays), but that's all. Yet, whenever she visits my neck of the woods, she thinks about me and will still want to meet up.

Yes… I do think about that. I do think about it as… sometimes being a Social Anxiety thing and sometimes not being a Social Anxiety thing. In all senses, it's being a "Human" thing. We all have thoughts, we all have feelings, and we all have reactions. Putting the blame or making an excuse out of Social Anxiety is one thing, but it really is just being Human. Holiday's can bring the best out in people, while it could bring out the worst in others. For me, I can only focus on my shortcomings or lack of motivation for things. I have a few things to think about and reevaluate. I need to think about my career. Where am I at? I need to think about my progress and how willing I am to push myself. I need to think about whether I will continue with therapy or push myself to be my own therapist again. I need to "feel".

Initial Visit

I don't normally write out long entries. This will be an exception. It might be a bit descriptive and dry, but I really don't have any intentions of reworking it.

***

"Reason for coming" was one of the questions on the form. In my mind I didn't know how to fill it out, but I kept it simple and general.

"Social Anxiety and Panic Attacks: I get self-conscious about myself and I'll exhibit symptoms of sweating and feeling flush"

I'm greeted by a warm person. He shakes my hand and directs me to his room of "zen". I notice the view. The window allows a lot of natural light (even though it was gray and raining outside) in. It's a nice atmosphere, and way better then the waiting area.

The session begins. He has my papers that I filled out. He gives me back my insurance card. I talk about my insurance policy first, especially since that is what has consumed my mind in the last 16 hours. I told him that I found him through the insurance network directory. I told him that I'm not eligible for the Mental Health benefits and that I would be paying out of pocket. For some reason, and I didn't have to, I explained the whole deductible and out of pocket expense that I would have to accumulate before receiving any of the mental health office visit benefits. He was very understanding and said how crappy that was. He looked at me and asked if I needed to work something out. I wasn't expecting this, because his website said he didn't offer a sliding scale, but he said he can work with me. He can workout a plan, because he charges $XXX amount per session. That made me feel better, but I still questioned myself if I should be paying an $XXX amount for my own mental health.

Then it kind of dawns on me, whether it's metaphoric or not. Sometimes I can spend money on useless things, but I get uptight when it's spending money on my well being. It's as if I don't value my own health. I do value my own health, but I stress about what I'm worth or what value is too high or too low.

We get right into it. I explain my reason for coming and how it deals with my anxieties and panic attacks. I'm pretty comfortable. I'm talkative and explaining things and giving examples. I give him examples of sweat attacks and feeling flush. There was a funny moment. He said, "it's kind of like a hot flash for a woman?" and I said.. Yah, I mean I don't know what a hot flash is like for a woman, but it's a hot flash where I'll feel flush and I'll sweat.

I told him how I can feel the wave of panic and feeling flush at a certain moment, but after it happens and passes, I'm okay for the rest of the time. He described to me that it was definately a panic attack because it's a small spike and then drops off. I also told him about my anxities over the years and how it builds up for social events. He explained that I do have a social anxiety as it's a gradual incline and gradual decline. Which is true, because I can have anticipatory anxiety, a panic attack at it's peak, have a good time at a social event, but I'll still be bothered about the negatives.

He asked me if I did anything or was doing anything about my anxities. I told him about the "Overcoming Social Anxiety" handbook and audio by Dr. Thomas A. Richards. I told him I was familiar with realizing and recognizing Automatic Negative Thoughts. I knew about "distractions" but I tend to find it hard to do when I'm in a panic mode. I told him about how I'm able to turn thoughts around to manage anticipatory anxiety. He seemed impressed and told me more about CBT and how it involves a Triad Theory: Thoughts(Cognitive), Feelings (Behavioral/Emotions), Actions (Physical). He describe the belief that working on one of the triads will effect the other two. Example: Let's say we work on our Thoughts. If we are able to work on our thoughts and our thought process, it will effect how we feel and it will affect our actions. He also explored the idea of ... if we worked on Actions or the Physical symptoms (taking meds) that it could effect our thoughts and feelings.

He did bring that into consideration, but stating that he is not a Psychiatrist and could not administer any medication. That is something he'd have to workout with a Primary Care Physician (which I technically don't have). He asked me about my feeling towards medication. I told him I would like to avoid it, but that it could be an option if I felt like it. I told him him how I rather work things out on my own or think things out as opposed to being medicated for my symptoms.

There were moments I noticed tension in my body. I felt comfortable when I was talking and explaining things. However, I noticed my shoulders being tensed and that my hands would kind of grip each other until I would notice them. That would happen when he would talk and explain certain things. During the time he would talk, is when my mind would start to be self-aware and self-conscious of how I might appear. I also described those thoughts I have about that. He told me how common it is with the sweating and feeling panic, but acknowledged how horrible and uncomfortable it can be.

He wanted to know my schedule for next week. I told him of a few concerns as I might have a new job opportunity. He wanted to try some relaxation techniques and hypnotherapy with me. He also wanted to go over some CBT techniques as well. He urged me to continue with "Self-Talk" which is to reassure myself to "Be cool, you're okay, they're not looking at you" when dealing with ANTs.

I have a good impression of the Doctor, but the financial aspect of it stresses me out. I'm wondering if I'll have to dip into my savings account. I might have to, since it seems like he only takes cash or check. Then again, like he said, he can work with me on a payment. He's not set on his original price. He's willing to work something out, which I appreciate.

Feeling Overwhelmed

I wrote notes about my experiences this past week and weekend. I struggled with my writing and I didn't know how to form a cohesive story so I nearly abandoned my entry. Instead, I'll post the notes as is. I was pretty detailed about the time and events. I'm still going through this overwhelming feeling, but I'm coping.

***

I didn't go to bed till 3 a.m. the night before. My chest felt tense. Not to sound overly dramatic, but my heart felt like it was going to pop out of my chest. I checked my pulse and my resting heart rate was normal. I was just nervous. I was up late working on some line drawings for a client. I sent off an email and a sample of the work I did for her for falling asleep. I got a lovely email this morning. She loves it and she would like to see different variations, which I suggested. I email her a few more samples and I haven't heard back.

Shortly after that, I get an email from the Skin Care company I've been doing a majority of my work for. They need an update or feature implemented on the site. They actually brought this to my attention yesterday to keep me in the loop. I get more info about it in the morning and I'm feeling overwhelmed. I explain what I can or can't do. I explained I need more time to research if they want me to come through with a solution. A lot of emails, a lot of "hold off till we get the go ahead" are said, and I'm slightly overwhelmed and nervous about the psychologist appointment I have at 1:30. I've been up the other night thinking of what I would say, what my reasons for going were, and if I really needed to see a professional about it.

Between worrying what I will say in therapy and coughing up the cash for treatment (that I might not necessarily need), I feel a bit overwhelmed and stress. I noticed that I didn't even have much anxiety picking up the phone to talk with my Health Care Insurance this morning. I was straight on point with no worries or nervousness.

My appointment is at 1:30 p.m., but I should be there at 1:15 pm to fill out new patient forms. I leave at 12:45, because it can take 10 - 15 minutes to get there. I arrive at 1 pm and I sit out in my car for awhile. I let my nerves calm down. I noticed that I had a different type of reaction. It's either hot or cold. Hot - I'll feel nervous and self-conscious about myself and start to exert heat and form sweat beads on my face and I'll feel my armpits soaking up. This time, it was the COLD reaction. I've drank 3 cups of coffee beforehand. I've only eaten 2 or 3 piece of toast. I couldnt eat, I had no appetite. My stomach was growling and my body was shivering as if to keep me warm.

I wait till about 1:08 to get out of my car. I walk into the building, head towards an elevator where I encounter a man in his dress shirt and tie. He has one of those bluetooth ear pieces and some documents. I exchange pleasantries. I make brief eye contact, smile and say Hi. We get into the elevator and I just stare at what floor were going to. He gets off at the same floor and I let him go first. I walk slow, just to prevent making more small talk. I walk slow and look at a floor plan layout on the wall. A janitor asked me if I needed help and I said I was looking for a specific room number. He gives me directions and I easily find the place.

I walk in and no one's at the lobby window. It takes a few seconds and the actual Doctor greets me. He tells me the receptionist is out today and that he's a little short handed. He gives me the forms that need to be filled out and gives me a few minutes to fill out the proper stuff.

Quick Rant #4

My anxious feelings that kept me up last night are with me this morning. I start a new freelance job tomorrow in an office setting. From what interpret, they want someone to be personable (talkative?) to the team. I'm a bit nervous, but I'll be myself and will not try to act in anyway that I am not. I also had to reschedule my appointment for tomorrow. I felt nervous when I called.

5 Minute Freewriting #20

Over the past week/weekend, I've been having horrible sleeping patterns. As a result, I'm up right now. It's nearly 3 a.m. During the week, I've been good at waking up before 10 a.m. However, this weekend I've been waking up near noon and feel somewhat like shit because I've been in my room the whole weekend. 

I also can't shake off this feeling of unease or worry. I'm anxious about...

Well, I guess it deals with therapy. I had my therapy last week. It was my initial visit and the doctor already scheduled the next appointment for Tuesday. I might have a possible freelance job this coming week and I'll have to work in-house. I'm not sure what day, but I'm afraid it conflicts with the therapy appointment. I also worry about the cost of therapy. I think about having to work. If I do start working full time, I wont be able to see my psychologist, because i will be working at a different location in another city.  That's what all this nervousness and uneasiness is about. 

Not to mention, I've been watching the show "In Treatment" (Season 1) and I have been so emotionaly involved in it. I cant believe how involved I am and how it has got me thinking and feeling. I guess I'll admit this here... I teared up a bit in one of the later episodes. It wasn't that I had experiences that I related to, but I really felt for the characters in the moment.

I also had this thought... or a realization. I realize that I feel uncomfortable when I'm put in charge or have to lead a group of people. I'm okay being independent and doing things on my own and making mistakes. But I feel uncomfortable when I have to take control and be responsible for more than myself... it's hard to swallow..

Quick Rant #3

I usually go for a long or quick jog on the weekends. Even though I enjoy the rain, I didn't go outside to run. I've trapped myself in my room. I go to bed extremely late and I wake up late and I'm in my room watching In Treatment all day. I broke up the monotony and drove around and went to Starbucks. I think I'll workout in my room tonight.

Heath Care Debacle

When it's dry, it's a drought; When it rains, it pours. It's gray and raining outside.  I'm inside nervous and hectic.

I wake up at 8:30 in the morning, the same time my sister is heading out for work. I hear the rain outside and the pitter patter it makes on the concrete. I enjoy the sound and I feel a certain calmness.

I make my cup of coffee to wake up a bit. I planned on calling the Health Insurance company to understand my elgibility of benefits. I'm dreading to hear what I already know, but I need to confirm it. I correspond with an automated operator for the first 10 minutes. I'm on hold for another 5 minutes. I get a hold of a representative and I asked her to explain my eligibility of benefits. She said she has to double check and puts me on hold for another 5 minutes. She gets back on the phone and explains the whole thing. I have this $xxxx deductible along with a $xxxx out-of-pocket expense that I would have to accumulate before being eligible for my professional mental health benefits. I had wishful thinking and hoping I was wrong, but my health benefits were confirmed. The rep also explains that my visit to the psychologist would be paid out of my own pocket and wouldn't go towards my out-of-pocket expense or deductible. Only medication, surgery, and hospital visits account for that. Another blow for me. 

I'm left with a task this coming new year. If I continue to work from home as a freelancer, I might need to change health care plans. Do I pay low monthly premium with a high deductible or high monthly premium with a low deductible. Depends on how often I have doctor visits. I consider myself young and healthy, but I know shit can happen. 

After my initial visit to therapy, I've been rationalizing my visit and future appointment(s). If I go every week or two for a shorter period of time, then it will be cheaper then a health plan where I pay higher monthly payments for a whole year. I also think, do I really need to seek therapy? I've already committed for at least another appointment, so the next question is. Will I benefit from it? I know there are crappy Psychologist out there, but the success of therapy is greatly influenced by how willing the patient opens up. 

I don't know now. I'm stressed and frustrated about the financial aspect of it, but I really think I could benefit from the therapy. Decisions, decisions; too many people hate dealing with this and either dismiss everything and not doing anything about their health. Or people neglect their health plans and let bills pile up.

I know I have to be smart and responsible and that's what I'm trying to do. Mental health is just as important as physical health. Finances only disrupts, distracts, and diminishes it.

Quick Rant #2

Health Insurance coverage in America is horrible, unless your rich. I went over my policy last night and called the insurance agency to confirm my benefits and eligibility. Totally sucks. Doctor was cool. He said we could work out a plan if it becomes a problem, but I paid the full amount today. Wrote a check out to him after my session.  *breathe*

5 Minute Freewriting #19

I feel stupid. I kind of am. Well maybe just not well informed.

Today is my initial appointment with a Psychologist. I was excited and nervous for the past two days. Now, I'm just nervous and I feel stupid. I'm thinking about other things. I'm thinking of "How am I going to pay for this?" and that's if I decide to schedule more appointments with the Doctor.

I'm bad with Insurance Policies, I really didn't look into mine or understand the terms until last night. I asked one of my friends (who is a nurse) specifics since she knows more about that kind of stuff. I called my insurance provider this morning to confirm. I have a deductible and out-of-pocket expense that must be met before receiving this $25 per office visit. That deductible and out-of-pocket expense can only bet accumulated through medical/hospital bills. Either way, I'll have to pay a lot. My monthly premium is low and that's why my deductible is high. But if I opted for a higher premium and zero deductible, I would be paying a lot of money, monthly, for health services I would hardly go to.

I'm not sure what I'm going to do after my appointment today....

5 Minute Freewriting #18

I'm nervous right now. I don't know what it is. Well I do know what it is, but I don't know how to explain it or process it. I woke up at 8:30'ish this morning. I'm trying to make it a habit. I'm trying to curb my late night sleeping habits.

I'm nervous. My heart is beating faster than usual. My appetite for food isn't there and my stomach is growling.

I had a few emails from yesterday that needed to be responded back to. I needed to take care of them. After waking up and doing a few article reading and browsing various websites, I moved into my room and tried doing work on the computer. 

Email One: Reply back and let  Recruiter know that I'm interested in the possible job opportunity. I asked about the tasks and requirements. I asked about location of the job, which is an important factor for me. I'm scared of the "big city" and so I tend to feel comfortable with familiar areas, even if it's a little further out towards the opposite direction of the bigger city. I email back and forth and I let her know I have something planned tomorrow and I'll be available next week. I don't have a set date yet, but looks like I'll be on a "try out" basis next week. That means, they ad agency will test me out and if they like me, i'll immediately get hired full time. 

** end of 5 minutes **

It feels weird for me. I haven't worked in an office setting for about 8 month's now. I'm a bit hesitant and I am nervous. I don't know how to explain it. I don't have the nervousness of "anticipatory anxiety & panic". It's more of a nervousness I use to deal with during high school in college. The nervousness of finding your classes on campus on the first day. The nervousness where you skip breakfast and only have coffee and have no appetite while your stomach decides to growl. This is the nervousness that I thought was normal, in which I still believe it is. It's more tolerable for me.

Email Two: Reply back to web project inquiry. Person gives me an idea of what they need done. I emailed back and gave her a price quote—which I'm horrible at doing. I might feel I charged too little in the middle of working on the project, but I always feel like I charge too much at the beginning of the process—and informed them what would be included (i.e. sketches, production, digital files).

Email Three: Actual web project work. I need to upload a few images, run a few test, and make sure things are in place. It's an easy task, but I've been putting it off this morning.

*sigh*

Then there's my appointment tomorrow. I'm nervous about it. I'm already writing a script in my head of what I'll say, what examples I'll use, what symptoms I feel. Then I think about it... I think about it some more... I don't want to feel like I'm trying to describe everything so it will fit into a specific label (Social Anxiety). I want it to be organic and try to answer and open up as honestly as I can. Deciding whether to go into detail or generalize things is what I'm fussing over. I'm nervous...

Just got an email right now... It's been a busy two days filled with emails... I'll end it here.

Rough Morning

I fell asleep at 3 a.m. working my way through the archives of "The Therapists Mumbles". A technician was heading over at 8 a.m. to install and connect our Cable. We're switching from Dish TV to Cable, primarily for the faster internet connection, which I would like to mention isn't any faster (actually slower) at the moment.

My sister wakes me up before she leaves, but she wakes me a little early. I'm up before three of my alarm's go off. I make my way to the bathroom for my morning ritual. Everything is in place and all is A-okay. I stumble into the living room and find a spot on the couch and curl back up. I haven't been a morning person in a long time. I don't think I've ever been a morning person. In the past, I don't know how I got myself to wake up at 5:45 am to go running at 6 am and without any coffee; these were my caffeine free months. Twenty minutes later, I make my way into the kitchen and make a cup of coffee. I have a piece of toast and I'm set.

The technician rings me up and I'm dealing with the installation for the next hour or so. My words were incoherent. My dog is barking. If I was "sober" enough (I use this term loosely), I might be self-conscious of my appearance.

The technician leaves and the place is a mess. Disconnected wires and boxes are on the ground; soil and debris are on the carpet coming from the technician's boot. I'm irritated; I'm annoyed and deprived of a couple more hours of sleep. Even with this feeling of discomfort, I know that I'm the only one here that can be responsible. It's not a big deal, yet I'm irritated at that thought. I'm irritated that I have to be held responsible to make sure things are put away and that the everything is working (even if it was my brother-in-law's idea to change our settings).

It hits me and I realize it. I'm irritated at the thought of "having" to be responsible. I dig deeper and I realize it's the thought of "having" to be responsible for the "change". Ah, seems metaphoric for what I have planned today.

More coffee is brewing, another technician is heading over between now and the end of the day. I gather myself. I'm sitting at the dining table with a printout of my health benefits and an in-network directory of doctors. I've done my research and I know my options (I think). I'm staring at a doctor's name, address, and phone. That's the guy, my choice. I'm staring at my phone. A few minutes pass and I finally enter the number into my phone. I stare at the phone, thinking "Do I still need to see a Therapist? I'm fine and I'm sure I can handle things on my own. Do I really need to talk to one? What am I doing?"

It's set and they were able to squeeze me in this week. I'm excited, but nervous and I don't know what to expect.

Changes. Progress. Time. Speed. Effort. Work.

I get an email: A potential client gives me an overview of a project and requests a quote. Another email: An agent that remembers me being an untapped resource of income. She has a possible full-time position for me that starts off as a freelance gig.

Decisions. Choices. Time. Speed. Accountability. Responsibility.

Rough Morning.

5 Minute Freewriting #17

I'm ending my night a little early. I feel spent. Not physically, but mentally. I've worked out my mind. I've been researching Psychologist located in my city, making sure they're in my network (insurance), that they have experience and that I possibly feel comfortable with them. I found three therapist that I liked and made my decision on giving one a try. I wasn't sure about setting up an appointment. I didn't call or know what to say. I ended up sending an email though. He emailed back earlier this evening. That made me feel good. He answered a question of mine and told me who to talk to in setting up an appointment. He said his schedule is busy during the next two weeks and wanted to know if I wanted to get fitted in. I think so. I might try to get an appointment in before the new year starts. I'm not sure how my Insurance works. Maybe it restarts/renews itself after the new year. I started back in April/May with my health insurance. I guess I'll have to figure it out.

I also have some notes/writings from previous days. I'll probably bundle it with this freewriting. I feel exhausted. I'm starting to worry about my finances. I know I have to get to work, get work, or enter through an agency. I'm very hesitant about that. I've become comfortable, which could be bad, but I have….

***end of 5 minutes***

It's Been a Long Day

Today has been a mentally exhausting day. I'm actually skipping my run/jog today, because I want to work on "whatever" it is I'm trying to work through. The reason I say it's been mentally exhausting, is because I woke up first thing this morning dealing with a Phone Call. Questions of "Should I call Back? or What Do I talk about? What Do I Say? When should I call?" all came into play.

After dealing with this morning's Phone Call, I started to seriously research my options of "Therapists". Deciding wether I need one or not. Truth is, I have a better understanding of my Social Anxieties than I have in the last year. I have better management of the physical symptoms that include panic attacks, sweating, and waves of nervousness. I am keen on the mind-body connection and know the benefits of a good diet and exercise regime. Even with all that, I still think I can benefit from Therapy. I still have setbacks, I still go through waves of panic, and I tend to isolate myself and avoid public situations. It's the feeling of "being extremely uncomfortable" in social settings that I'd love to have a handle on. It's the effects SA has on me, which lead me to feel helpless (at times) with my career and relationships (lack of).

***

Last Night (Yesterday early morning) I had such a frustrating time with my racing thoughts. I could of said "Screw This" and easily knocked out on the bed. However, it wouldn't sit right with me and I wanted to at least keep my feelings at bay and prevent any of the frustration to stew over. After ending our long day and finally crashing at our room, I had privacy in the bathroom. I was actually freewriting as I got ready to shower. I was typing away on my iPhone. Overall, I did have a great time, but would like to focus on the things that bother me. It usually works this way and this is how I workout my thoughts.

As I mentioned in my previous blog, I made a trek to Las Vegas with my friends. Looking back at it, I did have a fun time met with a few uncomfortable moments. I traveled with, who I consider to be, my best friend and his brother. We got a room at the Mirage Hotel located on the strip. I had a great time on the drive to Las Vegas. It was a nice 4+ hours of just talking it up with my friends, laughing, and singing. It was fun and we got there safely. We attended the Boxing Match we got tickets for and celebrated.

Reflecting on my Las Vegas Trip (Part 2)

Preface
It's harder to write about my Las Vegas Trip, because I'm now 2 days removed from the occurrence and the thoughts and feelings I had surging in me are no longer present. In search for and uncovering insights, I would like to revisit my uncomfortable feelings and thoughts that were present.

I would like to preface this story by saying that I am sensitive and shy (not embarrassed) about what I'm willing to admit on here. I hope that the audience doesn't judge me, but if you must, I do understand :) The nights unfolding events lead to a decision of attending a Night Club or a Gentlemen's Club (and both have similarities: advantages and disadvantages). You can guess which was chosen. To the women-audience reading this, yes it is an occurrence that guys might tend to. Some might visit an establishment more than others, while some might be extremely uptight and coerced into going. This is where my story begins…

The Night's Plan (Post Fight Celebration)
My eyes begin to open as I slowly wake up from my nap. I look around and both of my friend's are still knocked out. It must have been a 2-hour nap and I'm hoping my friends end up knocking out the entire night. Nope, they wake up and we're incoherently talking. We're not sure how to spend the rest of the night. Suggestions of which Night Club we should go to are thrown into the ring. We're just three guys though. It's awkward, at least for me, and hard to get in if you're not with a big group (or without any ladies). Another suggests a Gentlemen's club. To be honest, both "clubs" make me anxious. However, I'm with good friends. I feel comfortable enough to let loose a little or at least have a neutral mindset. I told them I am okay with whatever decision.

Gentlemen's (Strip) Club It Is
I reminisce of my uncomfortable feelings and awkwardness from past experiences. I'm not exactly sure how it all culminated into having such anxiety, but it has. When I was in my early twenties, it was a fun way to hang out with the guys and enjoy the attention and presence of women (that's if you have the cash to spend, or the charm to make small talk become long-winded conversations). If you have an open mind, it could be a great way to practice and develop your "banter". However, one should not confuse the role a patron and dancer plays.

***

We're at the establishment and we're walking around looking for available seats. I'm literally scrambling around in visible sight of attractive women seeking their prey; I have my back turned to them as a defense mechanism. I realize I'm pretty guarded and it's something I can't shake off so easily. I didn't participate in any extra drinking, because that leads to a night of heavy debt. No, my entire night was not horrible, but I tend to focus and over-exaggerate the uncomfortable feelings and thoughts that pass through.

We find a nice area to sit and lounge in. I camped out and stayed in the same location the whole night. I felt secure there and it beats standing the whole night. I could not help but feel the anxiety, self-consciousness, and low self-esteem get pointed out by the dancers (whether it was intentional or not). On numerous counts I'm told of How cute I look, How young I look, How adorable the paperboy hat looks on me, and How nice I am. The comments aren't feeding my ego and it only makes me realize what role I play in the establishment. Whether they genuinely mean what they say, I can only see it as it being superficial.

I feel tense, my face is frozen, and being rigid is the new ugly. It doesn't help that my insecurities are in the spot light. One dancer notices my shyness and is polite. Another dancer finds my shyness adorable. Another starts to massage my shoulders and points out how tense I am. I can't let up and I'm more in an awkward state. Other dancers are more aggressive and assertive then others, but they only approach you once or twice. These ladies scare me. They make me feel guilty for not partaking in there small talk; I'm horrible with words when turning them away. You'd think I'd get use to it and be comfortable turning them down, but that isn't the case. An hour into it, I'm bothered and starting to sweat. The music no longer distracts me and can only focus on myself. I think and feel how predictable I come off. I've been at the same spot for the last few hours being guarded (by my body language). The smoke gets to me and I feel all sorts of uneasiness.

This is the part of the evening where my frustrations grow and I struggle with the environment (my thoughts). My friend is on the lounge chair beside me chatting with a dancer. He makes "chatting" seem effortless. In someways it is, but he has charm. It's not as if he spit cheesy pickup lines. He talked intelligently and was very comforting. He got the women to talk about their life outside of the club. He complimented the women, while politely turning them away. I was annoyed, because I lacked the charm and could not relax the same way my friend could.

Towards the end of the night, an older, much more washed up looking dancer made her way towards me. She kept me company and wasn't aggressive nor assertive as the others. She was talking and rambling away. For the rest of the night, I played the part of her therapist. She talked about her problems outside of the club. She seemed nice but endured such a troubling past. She talked about her mother and about her being a mother herself. She talked about her daughter who's already out of the house and the effects of alcohol. She never said she was an alcoholic, but I sense a form of dependency. She was nice and I had no problems relaxing. Probably, because I did what I do best: I listen.

At the end of the night, she was blabbing away while my friends were rolling out. I had to polity stop her in mid-conversation. I excused myself and she gave me a hug.

"How about a few bucks for my company?"

Hmm, there's always a catch.

5 Minute Freewriting #16

I was woken up this morning by a phone call. I actually slept through 2 alarms. I probably hit snooze. My phone rang at around 8:30 in the morning and I saw a not so familiar number. I let it go to voicemail. I heard the message and I knew what it was about.

It's a potential client needing a website built out. I finally got up and out of bed. I drank left over coffee that my sister and brother-in-law made earlier in the morning. It took me awhile to actually call back. I set a goal in mind of calling by a certain time and I kept pushing it back. I finally called and left a message...

***

I was actually interrupted while typing this out. The potential client called me back and I had a 15 minute conversation. I'm always "iffy" when I talk to clients. I never feel confident. I never feel like "I can do this... this is what I do.. .this is what time i'll need, this is my pricing... this is what we'll do"

I don't think there would be any problems, but I'm wondering why her initial designer walked out. I wonder if she's difficult to work with or not. But for now, I'm taking up this potential project. I have to email her with some of my previous work and what not and I'll give her an estimate of the project. I told her my going price rate but that I could work with a Project Base payment rather than hourly.

***

I'm spoiled by email and texting. I'm horrible at taking or writing things down. It's not that I'm not great with memory, but I get flooded with thoughts. The client gave me her email address over the phone. I was writing it down, but I was in some sort of daze. I was fixed on getting it written down, but not having to make the client repeat the email. It was interesting. Somehow I managed to write down a letter that was nowhere near what she said. Thankfully I repeated the email address and had her repeat it back.

***

Okay... I just feel relieved when I get past all the initial stuff. The anxiety leaves, but then reality hits and I could either be excited about working for a client or "dread" it. I'm not sure what I feel. It's still to early in the morning for me. Again, it's early for me because I usually wake up before noon. I need to change my sleeping habits.

I had a productive night, but it was for something useless. It was fun and creative. Not so much work or personal development. I made a mixtape.

5 Minute Freewriting #15

It is morning. I woke up, with the aid of my phone slash alarm clock. I woke up feeling good, but I kind of had to push myself to get out of bed. Made coffee, and yes I'm still working on that. I sliced some mushrooms, sausage, and green onions and made an omelette. I'm sitting on the floor with my macbook. I have the television on with the audio muted. I'm just being receptive to my surroundings. My environment which I am present in. It's peaceful. I was in the same environment last night when I was writing my last entry. I was reflecting on my trip to Las Vegas. I have more to reflect on, but I have thoughts or feelings if I should. It's kind of like, it's already past and done with and the feelings and thoughts have left... so why tinker with it? Yet, I want to get into my frustrations during the weekend and really get at them. I had a bit of a struggle with myself at an unusual place at an unusual time. I'm a bit... not embarrassed, but I'm shy to talk about it, because I'm afraid I might offend someone or I might be judged or viewed a certain way by being to open about it. However, it isn't anything revealing...

**end of 5 minutes**

... Well I have an Ortho Appointment today. A regular, monthly, check up on my teeth to see how they've been behaving without braces. I'm good at being consistent with wearing my retainers. Yes, there are days where I don't ware them all day. There are some days, I'm only able to wear it at night, but I still wear them. I'm hoping the Doctor will tell me I can now wear as little as only going to bedtime.

That's pretty much my gameplan for today. I would like to work more on myself with my writing. To help me with my thinking and feeling. Also, I've been researching therapists around my area. I need to review my current Health Insurance plan to see what is covered or what can be covered. If getting a therapists is covered, I think I might take advantage of it.

I've been thinking about it ever since I started reading "The Therapist Mumbles" blogsite. It kind of shed some light for me. I admit I've been a bit stubborn about even considering seeing a therapist, not to mention the annoyed feeling I have when thinking how much it could costs.

However, I feel that seeing a therapists is beneficial to anyone, regardless of having a severe mental illness or just having a few rough patches in life. Everybody is human and everyone isn't built with unbreakable armor. Everyone gets hit, everyone gets bruised.

I even talked with an old friend (well... she was someone, and probably the last person, that I dated. Nothing serious, especially since I wasn't attracted to her in that way and I didn't want to lead her on) who studied psychology and is working on her masters. She has a background involving psychology and therapy. She's working towards being a student counselor. Well we end up chatting and I started to ask stuff involving differences between a Psychiatrist, Psychologist, and Therapist. I asked her about her views bout someone like me seeing a therapist and I gave her my views as well. It was a really nice conversation. She asked me if I kept a journal and I told her I did and that it is what helps me sort out my thoughts. I told her I still struggle with my thoughts and she pointed out that it's the "ego" that is fighting and you just have to keep working on it and pretty much let it play out.

Okay.... I will end it here for today's freewriting. The mind is such a complex and amazing thing, but functions at it's best when you keep it simple.

Reflecting on my Las Vegas Trip (Part 1)

I would like to preface my next entries involving my Las Vegas Trip that I had a fun experience overall. Like any other entry, I tend to pick out the negatives rather than promoting the positives. This is how I tend to resolve and workout my thoughts.

I understand myself and I know how uncomfortable I can get under certain situations. I tend to focus on my inability to completely let loose and enjoy the moment while it lasts (without the help of alcohol).

The Gift Shop
There was an incident early in the evening that made me feel uncomfortable. My best friend and I walk into a souvenir shop. His brother shops around for souvenirs to buy, while my friend ends up chatting with an employee. He's good at making small talk and is a natural at being social. In front of me, I witness my friend playfully asking a series of questions to the girl (employee). Within a few seconds, I knew what he was doing and I started to feel flush. Yes, I handled it better then last time (4 years ago, when I actually walked out on him for doing something similar), because I stayed there and acted surprised and amused. He was just being friendly, but somewhat shining the light on me. He asked the employee if she had a boyfriend, then made a comment about having her help me find a nice girlfriend. At that point, if I wasn't brown, you would see how red my face was. I shyly giggled it off, but I can't deny the discomfort I felt.

Thoughts that ran in my head: You're making me look desperate. Am I a charity case? You're making me look like I put you up to it. You're not helping me. You're not looking out for me. Why do you think every girl that's my ethnicity is automatically my type? Why are you putting me in the spotlight for?

Strong feelings that are surging through me: Frustration, irritation, and embarrassment.

We make our way out and she said bids us good bye. She even smiles at me and tells me to have a good night. Shortly, my friend starts addressing the situation and is apologetic. I told him it's okay and to not worry about it. I didn't feel like having to relive the situation and having to discuss the incident during our whole cab drive back.

We get back to our room to take a nap before going out again. He later expresses his regrets about the incident earlier and keeps stating the fact "I did it again didn't I?" I told him it was okay, but I told him I didn't understand why he had to put me in the spotlight or why he had to do it right in front of me. At least talk me up a game when I'm not right in front of the person. I also told him, how that moment reminded me of what one of his law school friends did to me and how very awkward and uncomfortable it made me. Boys will be boys and friends will be friends. He got the picture; problem resolved.

We spend the next hour deciding on what we're going to do. We finally decide and so we're off to the next venue.

5 Minute Freewriting #14

I've been a busy person today. Not so much physically, but mentally I've been busy. I've been reading all day. I found a blog via my blog list. The blog is of a therapist who writes his experiences as a therapist. He doesn't' actually spill the beans on his clients, but he brings up certain cases and makes you think about how we think, process, feel, and react to certain situations in our past, present, and pending future.

I'm very intrigued and I actually started from the beginning of his blog site (2006) and I'm now in his year 2007 entries. I've enjoyed the insights so far.

I've also been writing a lot, especially earlier today I wrote about my recent phone call exposure to a potential client who asked if I was interested in doing some art production work.  I also ended up typing this rant that dealt with my childhood or how I was raised.

Certain things started to click, unliock, or get revisited. It deals with how I was raised through my mom's word. I kind of go into detail on how she's not a bad mother and that im fortunate, but it's interesting how a lot of the things she said when I was younger kind of result in how I am now with my SA. It kind of deals with ... how I got good grades in school, yet she joked around saying "why I can't I do better"... or how I'm always questioned why I don't have a girlfriend... then at the same time, when she witnesses a girl showing interest...

**end of 5 minutes**

... she will comment and say.. Wow.. she was looking at you the whole night, but what does she actually see in you? or... if I were to get a haircut and would like to dress nice and look proper.. She'd joke around say, why are you bothering with that, it's not like you're going to attract any girls.

So it's stuff like that that seem to shine vividly and, yeah.. it does bring in new or different light and shade to my SA situation...

Well Other than that.. I feel really productive. I felt I got a lot done or I've learned a lot today. I don't think I've mentioned this but I am making a one day trek to Las Vegas tomorrow. This was sort of unexpected. I was suppose to hangout with my best friend and catch this boxing match on HBO.  I followed up to see what the plans were earlier this week, and next thing I know.. he was able to get the last remaining 3 tickets that weren't priced over $100... and so we're going to Vegas for one night and coming back the following day. To be young again. I have no anticipatory anxiety or anxities in general about this at all. I think  a lot of it has to do with my comfort level with my best friend and his brother. He's the only individual where I pushed myself and made myself work through my thoughts to attend his sister's engagement party and wedding. I also ended up having a good time at those events and I think that's why I'm comfortable with being a bit spontaneous when it's something planned with him and his brother. Okay... that's it for tonight... I'm going to do more reading and then hit the bed.

Dealing with Compliments

A few days ago, I received a pleasant email from a stranger inquiring about this Audrey Hepburn & Louis Vuitton Design Mashup I did nearly 3 years ago. I forget—and at times, can't believe—that I still am an artist and that I have design work out there that's floating on the web. I think that, because I'm living in the "Now" and that I'm at a phase where I'm more trying to figure out "Why am I the way I am?" rather than "Who am I?" that I forget... I am an artist (maybe in my own rights). I am a designer (by profession). I actually produce work that people like.

I read the email and I'm very flattered. I'm taken back and I'm actually more accepting of this compliment, even though I have a side that loves to discredit any appraisals:

My name is E and I'm starting my own company targeted at accessories for LV and Longchamp

I really love your mashups with Audrey Hepburn. Would this be something you'd be willing to license to me?

After getting through the initial "omg, wow, ok, wow! This person likes my work" thoughts and feeling. I started to raise a lot of questions. What does she want me to do? Why does she like my work? Why me? Really?

**I drifted off in my own thoughts... I got off onto another tangent**

For a moment, I ran off with another thought. I'll have to post that another time. Back to my initial topic...

This was my response:

Wow :) I'm always flattered when someone runs across some of my design/artwork on the web. I appreciate the comments about the LV Audrey Mashup. 

Are you selling the Mashup/Artwork itself? Or is it more along the lines of using the artwork to promote/represent your company accessories?

[Copyright and Creative Commons verbiage]

Sorry for the detailed explanation, but you can use this as a form of agreement.

If you do seek any art/design work to be produced, then that is a service I can offer. If you're ever interested, my portfolio is listed below.

Again... thanks for the email and your comments.

I left her with my contact and portfolio. I was more than surprised when I received a call in the middle of the day. I did recognize the number, but I wasn't prepared. I didn't know what I would say or what she might talk about. I let the phone call go straight to voicemail. It took me another 10 minutes to finally listen to the voicemail. It took me an extra 15 minutes to decided if I would call today or not. It took me another 10 minutes to play around with my phone and call.

I did end up calling her. It was a pleasant conversation, but it was met with a lot of mumbling and this need to always explain myself. Nonetheless, it was a very pleasant and inquisitive conversation. I now have a few opportunities to collaborate and work with this person. I'm pretty excited, but met with a lot of nervous anxiety and trepidation.

Somewhere along this entry and the off topic thoughts I had earlier in mid-blogging, I'm finding myself. I remember who I was (in terms of skills and abilities) as an artist and what I'm still capable of. Yes, I'm still very self-doubting about myself, but I appreciate compliments more rather than discrediting them.

I do have a lot of time on my hands. More so than others. I have more flexibility with my career, but I would also like to think that I set myself up to be in this position. Today has been filled with reading, writing, thinking, and self-realizations. I would say it's been overwhelmingly productive, in the sense of personal development.

5 Minute Freewriting #13

I'm writing my thoughts away. I'd like to feel or think that it's productive. It is, in some shape or form, it is. However, it's up to the individual, myself, to explore, discover, realize and come up with certain conclusions. Is this working for me? Does this effect me the way it should be? How am I coming to these conclusions? Where do I draw the line? How do I apply what I've learned?

I try to allow myself time to think and question myself without any unneccessary distractions. I write a great deal about having distractions in my life and wasting away hours on useless activities such as browsing websites. Yet, if I know it's useless and time wasting... why do I still participate in such unproductive activities? Distractions. As I've learned through initial CBT, distractions (at least used for proper purposes) serve a way to break-up automatic negative thoughts.

**end of 5 minutes**

With that in mind.... I'm realizing or "RE-realizing" that I have an automatic coping mechanism that involves distractions. Whether I'm troubled, anxious, heavy in emotions, distraught, basically having a crummy day... I consciously and subconsciously turn to distractions.

Examples... Let's say I'm trying to workout. For some reason, I need or have this thought that I need to have a "great" workout. I spend so much time on preparation rather than the workout itself. Somedays, I'll probably write for five minutes or meditate for 5 minutes to release thoughts out. Maybe I'll numb my thoughts by watching television. Then I'll proceed to do warmups by jumping around, walking, and flapping my arms around. I'll do some stretches. If it feels like I'm making a great effort, then I end up continuing with a warmup but with more effort. Eventually I'll get to my intended workout, but all that preperation... Is it necessary? I guess it is, but it feels as if I have all these rituals I need to do in order for me to get to my workout. And the way I feel is dependent on it. I won't feel satisfied unless I do them, or I feel my workout was less than stellar because the prepwork was skipped.

That's one example. How about "Work" life? I remember this being such a struggle when I worked in a corporate setting. The morning commute was crazy. Somedays, those commutes would be therapy. I'd be able to workout my thoughts and listen to my own realizations. Somedays I wouldn't even know how I got myself to and from work, because I'd be so zoned out from the commutes. Then when I actually get to work, it just would suck. I'd complain to myself how much I hated the job, work, bullshit employee appreciation activities, and found myself feeding on other negativity such as piling onto negative sentiments that other works are spewing. Then leaving the workplace I would either stew in those thoughts on my commute back home and vegetate in front of the computer or tv until I fall into deep slumber. I wake up just to repeat the cycle again. Distractions... I'm realizing how much I automatically found distractions during my "corporate" career.

Now that I work from home, I have distractions... but it's somehow different. I guess that's what I'm trying to find out. Trying to recognize and realize what it is and take proper actions. Why do I allow myself to let things waste? Or why do I view it as waste? What if it's useful waste, but I just need to connect the dots. Maybe I have to put in the time and effort into managing the waste. It's all useless and important at the same time. It depends on how one views it I guess.

Emotional Eating & Working Out

*Originally posted on my Health & Fitness Journal

I am an emotional eater.

This doesn't mean that my heart has a heavy emotional connection with my food. It doesn't mean that I cry and have a deep bond with what I eat. It means I feed my feelings and my mood usually dictates what I eat. When I'm happy I might congratulate myself and eat steak or pizza. When I'm bored, I'll drink coffee all day. When I'm sad, I might turn to junk food and eat two bags of Hershey's Kisses. This bad behavior and habit tends to be my downfall. It can be managed with weekly food preparation and planning rather than eating on a whim.

Now this is where my week has come to play. I've been proud of myself for being able to get back on track with running. It took me a couple of weeks to finally enjoy running again. At first it felt forced and I dreaded running. With the weather and daylight change, who can say no to the comfort of the couch and blanket. I finally came up with a resolution or an understanding with my thoughts, mood, and actions.  These variables are never constant. The task at hand requires persistency even though consistency may seem difficult at times.

Take into consideration that running, or any physical activity, requires an open and determined mind. It helps to be rational, allowing failure or success to equal progress. It took me awhile, but my runs are enjoyable again. I don't feel forced, restricted, or limited.

Up next are my eating habits. I'm having trouble with balancing my meals. I've adopted—and in the past, I have been able to implement this concept into my daily meal plans—a low calorie breakfast, high-protein low-carb lunch, and a high carb dinner. I try to eliminate  or limit sugar/sweets and caffeine, but they've been my kryptonite. This whole week has been riddled with cups of coffee, extra heavy on the hazelnut creamer. It taste so great and the caffeine effects are unbelievable. I've stopped snacking during the day, because of the  appetite suppressant properties of coffee/caffeine. However, the effects caffeine has on my mood is horrible. I tend to abuse coffee and there is never a moderate consumption I can handle. It's either all or nothing.

When I had my official weigh-in this week, it shifted my mood. I sabotaged my eating plans and indulged in way too much sweets (i.e. Chew Chocolate Chip Macadamia Nut Cookies, Multigrain Chocolate Chip Strawberry Pancakes, Semisweet Chocolate Chips, Whole Wheat Bread with Nutella Spread, etc.). It has wreaked havoc in my sleeping habits. I've been up late each night, leading me to wake up with irregular imbalanced energy. Some mornings I feel okay and others I might feel like crap. Last night happen to be one of those cases.

As I'm trying to limit my caffeine intake, I was able to get my mood in control. I got myself to do weight & resistance training today along with running/cardio. I feel good and I really need to shake things off.  I really don't like weight gain. I don't like being in the 170's. I don't like many things and I'm only sabotaging my efforts if I continue with certain behaviors. Now that I've realized and recognized my problem areas, I need to develop a plan and make sure I can and will execute them.

A Note of Memories

I wrote a few notes during my stay back home (at the my parents house) for Thanksgiving. I started out writing and was going for this "over the years with memories" type of entry but I didn't know how to drive it or where to take it.

***

I'm back home at my parents house sitting on the carpet floor of my bedroom. In the dark, my room is lit up by glow-in-the-dark shooting stars, lightning bolts, suns, moons, and planets. I'm up at an odd, fairly normal for me, hour reflecting on a few thoughts I found myself occupied in.

It seems I've become accustomed to odd sleeping habits as of late. As a result, I had trouble falling asleep during my weeks stay at my parents house. The living room, above the flat screen television, has 4 picture frames hanging on the wall. One being my University Diploma. The other frame is a photo of me in my cap and gown at the university graduation. The last two frames are photo's of me and my date(s) at two different high school dances. I have no idea why my  mom has them hanging on the wall and other school dance photo's propped up around the house. I'm no longer in high school and I'm not dating those girls. It is kind of weird, but it's something I didn't quite ponder on till recently.

They're seems to be a nostalgic, yet lethargic, feeling that the winter holidays evoke. I found myself in the dark staring down the dimly lit hallway reliving high school and college memories.

The memories flooded my mind, but I couldn't emotionally connect with them as I once have. I use to be able to connect with a memory. It's like a fresh cut or wound. You peel the band aid off and you're senses go crazy. Only now, everything has healed and what once was can only be remembered and not really felt.

***

Then I moved onto memories of my college (ex-)girlfriend. I remember introducing her to my parents and the anxiety I had of introducing her to family members (I brought her home during my Grandpa's Birthday). I also reminsced on the hard times I had as well. The breakup, the heartbreak and the couple of years that seemed to show I was not "over" it. Again, I tried connecting to those feelings but I couldn't feel anything emotionally. I could only recall memories and how hurt I was or how hard things were for me during that time.

***

When was the last time I've actually cried? It's really been awhile, not to mention weird, because growing up I was known as a crybaby. As an adult, there rarely have been times when I've broke down crying. Other than crying over ex's, I've broken down emotionally during the loss of my Grandmother.

I remember breaking down into tears when I nearly threw a wrench in my older cousin's wedding. That's another story, another entry for another time, but let's just say alcohol was involved and a lot of misplaced frustration and stress was aimed at the wrong people.

***

That is currently where those memories lay. I'm not in the same emotional state as I was during those memories or during the time I was writing down those memories. That is why I don't know how or didn't know where to take those thoughts. I just thought I would share them and shed some light. Those thoughts will reoccur and the way I deal and handle them will always be different.

5 Minute Freewriting #12

Breathe in. Breathe out.

Woo-Sah......

That is me breathing. That is me listening to my thoughts, my surroundings, my "being" in my living space.

I just did my official weigh-in for the 2nd week. I'm not depressed about the results, but I don't know why I was kidding myself. I totally didn't take this week seriously. Yes, I started running again, but I also finished off tons of chewy chocolate chip oatmeal cookie goodness this weekend. Yes, they taste soooooo good. Maybe it was worth the 1 pound weight gain and small incremental body measurements. I know I can probably lose 2 (possibly 5) pounds in one week if I were to watch what I ate and continued to workout as I have been doing.

I really need to stop drinking coffee again. I've realized that it's gotten out of hand. I really need another detox and go without coffee for a few month's as I've been doing in the past. It has it's positive effects, but also has it's addictive and dependency effects as well.

With all those "somewhat" troubling or nagging thoughts. Here are some positive and upbeat thoughts. Yesterday I went to go run a few errands. I stopped by Home Depot, which is like my new Art Supply Store". I browsed around for a DIY (Do It Yourself) project. I bought a few items for a Photography Ring Light. Outcome? Not too bad, but not so great. It was a nice learning experience and I'm sure I can create something better if I had the right power tools.

Working Out My Thoughts

My thoughts seem to have turned on me during the latter part of the night. Not sure what it was. Well, I'm sure I know what it is but I've been avoiding "it" for the past couple of hours. The longer I've avoided it, I've snacked on wheat bread with nutella and made two chicken taco's. All of this way after eating 4 multigrain chocolate chip strawberry pancakes for dinner earlier this evening.

I was feeling good yesterday. I felt productive, because I made a vlog (video blog). I know that might sound a bit absurd to people who work 9 to 5 jobs. What can I say though? It does make me feel productive. It does a couple of things for me. (1) It's another form of therapy. It's like freewriting, but edited, where I get to rant about certain subjects. I put effort into my recordings. (2) It's another creative outlet for me. I tend to sprinkle some artistic things into it like composition and concepts. I'm not saying I drown it in art and leave the audience with a profound meaning. I just like to sprinkle a little creativity here and there.

After producing the video earlier yesterday, I felt accomplished. Corny as it sounds—and I know I should be spending my time elsewhere—it feels productive. It's somewhat of a catalyst for me to get going on other things.

After that, I started to work on a few fixes and revisions for a small web project I have  with an old friend of mine. I got the fixes done and sent him an email.

I kept myself occupied most of the day, but probably spent too much time browsing the usual websites.

I got my legs warmed up and went running last night. It was a good run. Streets weren't busy, but it was dark. I didn't get to run during sunset. While running, I remember something I said before. To have a productive run, you have to go with an open mind. The same way you would approach social anxiety when going to an event. Being open to a run or an event, you allow yourself to be flexible... to accept change... or to accept failure/progress.

I went running with an open mind and I enjoyed the run. I had a great view of the city lights. I run up this hill that over sees the city. It's quite a nice view.

After my run, I rested a little and continued with a few pushups, squats, and situps. After my sister got home, I cooked dinner. This is when my thoughts started to turn on me.

Earlier this week, I was inspired by this photographer. She made this digital short mashed up with an Etta James song (Sunday Kind of Love). It sparked something inside of me. I loved the video, the song, the subject and techniques used. It sparked that "artist" in me again. I have  few ideas of my own of creating a few digital shorts (video clips) of an idea I have. It's all about Self-Reflection.

I ended up inspired and looked for some HD Video clips on Vimeo. They have stuff that usually blows my mind. Stuff that inspires. I found a few video clips. They were remarkable. The subjects were remarkable. But it left me with a bitter taste. I don't know what it was. Well, actually I do know. I saw the video pieces this director made and it just blew my mind. It made me feel inadequate, because I can't top it. I know I wanted to make my own video's for my own personal project, but.... I just felt, at that moment like "don't even bother with it anymore".

It all stems from "perfectionism". You either strive too much to be perfect that you're hard on yourself or you seek only perfection and if you can't have it you just won't try. I feel that's what got my thoughts turning tonight.

I also had another thought that just bit me. I got a paycheck today. It's one of my bigger paychecks for a project I worked crazy on to get a client's website up and live. I'm relieved to have gotten the check, but reality set in. It's one of the last remaining checks that the client owes me and it basically means a couple of things. I need to get serious about producing more work and attracting more clients, or cleaning up my portfolio site and seek more contract work with an agency. Because of this feeling and cycling thoughts, it has this reality and realization for me. I've realized I've gotten a little too comfortable with the lifestyle (work) I've inherited for the past 6 months. Working from home. Working my own hours. Working crazy hours but spending them in the dead of the night.

Yes... those are the thoughts that turned on me. I don't know why I avoided them. I should of nipped them in the bud in the first place. I probably would of saved myself a few calories and hours of sleep. The good thing is that I at least worked my thoughts out opposed to holding it in and letting it build.

I'll see what tomorrow holds for me. Outlook: good.

5 Minute Freewriting #11

I'm doing this freewriting before I settle into bed tonight. I'm actually settling a litter early. A more modest time.. It's 1:30 am, but that doesn't' compare with sleeping at 4 or 5 am for the past couple of days.

I have a few positive things to mention or take note of. This weekend, I got myself to run. Not just run, as in forcing myself and getting it over with. I actually had an enjoyable run. I took it really easy and just tried to enjoy the view. It's weird how I have no pressure on myself when I run on the weekend during the day as compared to running during the week. Usually I shy away from running in the week during daytime, just because I'd be prone to run into people who are working or I'll run into high school cross country teams (which I have). I usually run at night during the week, but running at night has been a task. It gets dark early and it's been colder than usual.

I got myself to run this weekend though. I felt good. Maybe it was the cup of coffee I drank. I know I said I'd cut out coffee, but I enjoyed the caffeine kick. I didn't eat the whole day on Saturday. I think I was amped on the caffeine, because I just felt my body boosted and my metabolism burning. I drove over the the local grocery market and bought some items. I was looking forward to this weekend, because I was planning on baking. :) I love sweets, and especially when I take the time to bake something good... It comes out great. I got al the ingredients, put on my headphones and some good tunes and I started mixing away.

I made the  sweetest batch of Chewy Chocolate Chip Macadamia Nut Oatmeal Cookies. At first, when I found the recipe, I was thinking it was healthy (because of the oatmeal) and that the calories on it weren't bad. After baking all the dough....

**end**

(continued)
... and letting the cookies cool down, I went shopping with my sister. We went to Wal*Mart, because I told her I needed help with picking out cheap and cool room decor. I wanted a curtain, because my vertical blinds made me feel naked when I have them open. I wanted new comforter and bed skirts for my bed, so I got that as well. I got a good price, but it still put a hurting on my credit card. I don't feel too bad, because I actually treated myself to something worth while.

Back to the cookies.... I analyzed the modified recipe I made. Even with the sugar substitution and using less chocolate chips then listed, it comes out to be 136 calories per cookie. I probably ate 30 cookies this weekend and I could probably eat all 42. I'm looking at crazy amount of calories, but it is ok. I'm going to be good this week and follow through with my running and eating healthy :)

I rearranged my room today and it took all night to get things cleaned up. I still have a lot to throw out and organize, but I got the large objects (bed and desk) situated and rearranged. Okay, enough freewriting tonight... I feel good.

5 Minute Freewriting #10

Original written on 12/4/10 @ 1:54 am

Tonight I went out with my sister and brother-in-law. I was having irrational feelings. I thought, maybe my sister asked me to tag along because she was feeling sorry for me. It's irrational, I know... She just wanted me to get out and I agree. I needed a change of scenery. We went to a tofu restaurant. I've been to a few and I wanted to try this korean dish that I usually get (bibimbap).  As usual, these places can be crowded with tight spots.

I went through a panic attack of some sort tonight. It was weird, but I think I knew I had it coming. I didn't freak out at all before, during, or after the panic attack. However, it just felt weird as always. It did make me feel alive, but it was uncomfortable. I had to squeeze into my chair and there were people behind me. The chairs are basically back to back against each other. After awhile, talking to my sister and brother in law and munching on the korean appetizers... I got my dish first. It was on a hot pot. The food wasn't spicy, but warm food (straight out of the kitchen) usually makes me work up a sweat. The steam was felt on my face and I really did start to feel claustrophobic. My appetite was gone.....

**end of 5 minutes**

(continued)
... I would just look at the food and take nibbles, but I really felt immobile. I was in a tight space feeling "pressure". I wasn't thinking so much about "social" things or how uncomfortable I might look. I just started to feel extremely uncomfortable. I asked my sister if the bathroom was in the back and I told her I was feeling a bit claustrophobic and excused myself. I did feel the heat and sweat forming on my head and so I splashed water on my face in the bathroom. I cooled off and had these thoughts of... "okay when I head back out, how will I come off to the customers at the other tables?" It's weird and very irrational for me to think that way. Why should I even care what the other people are thinking. They're all involved in their own atmosphere talking amongst themselves. I got back to my table and enjoyed whatever food I could, but my appetite for the food was way past gone. I was able to return to my normal state. I was able to talk and chit chat, but.... That attack was weird. I'm not shocked that it happened but it's just weird.

Quick Rant #1

I started to rearrange and clean my room. It went from messy to disaster zone real quick.

Being in the "Bad" part of a Cycle

Original thoughts written Friday, December 3rd, 2010.

Last night, and pretty much this whole week, I've been in a real stinker. I'm back to being on that crappy end of the cycle. Whether it's through writing, blogging, or producing video's of my experiences, it seems as if I always have a smile on my face or that I'm able to view the positive aspects of a bleak area. Why is it different now and why does it seem as if I've succumb into feeling down. I'm sure it's a combination of many things, but how can I be sure about that? One thing is for sure, feeling down in the dumps is still a horrible feeling. 

Last night I was going to write about the cluster*fcuk of a mess that's in my head. I wanted to tap into what I was feeling. After taking a hot shower, I allowed distractions to take place instead of my planned writing. While sitting in my chair, I numbingly started to think about my life: Where am I heading? What am I doing about it? Why am I not doing anything about it?  I blankly stared at the monitor and I started to ask myself, "Am I depressed?" I had a hard time asking this, because of the implication the word possesses. I can flow with feeling down and handle down in the dumps, but being depressed suddenly feels all too serious.

It's obvious to me that I'm in this on going cycle. Most days I am able to handle it better.  Somedays I have such a great and positive outlook, but on off days my mind just poops on me. It is hard for me to admit this, but I have been feeling a bit depressed. I have been feeling unmotivated and a bit dejected. I've been having this feeling of hopelessness. The more I think about it, the more I try avoiding the subject.

I recently cut back, trying to cut out, on caffeine again and started to watch my sugar and artificial sweetener intake. Weird as it is to say, but this is my chemical dependency. I make it sound like a drug addiction, but in some ways it is. Caffeine and sugar can be as addictive as any other illegal narcotic if abused.

I finally got myself to go running last night and I can tell that my physical fitness isn't at the same place as it was a month ago. After staying a whole week at my parents house and coming back home to my apartment, there's this feeling of what am I going to do now? Now that the half-marathon I did is over, I'm not as motivated to workout or inclined to do anything productive. When I take these factors into play, I can see why I feel a bit depressed.

I think about my current living situation. I wonder if I'll ever be able to live on my own. When I think about that, it brings up the idea of working. I work as a freelancer right now, but it would mean I need to work harder as a freelancer or find a good company I can work for. I start to think about all the things it would take to live on my own. Would I be able to handle it? Would I be able to take care of everything? Then I start to think about where I'm living now. I don't live with my parents (not that there's anything wrong with that), but I live with family members (sister and brother-in-law). In the past, I've always lived with roommates as well. Living on my own would be a different experience, but how would I handle it?

Then I also think about the "anxiety" aspect of it. How would I handle living alone and all the "face-to-face" conversations I'd have to have with people. Interviews with a job, searching and applying for apartments. There's so much a person has to do and I've been through it before, but how would anxiety come into play for me this time around?

After thinking about that, I started to think about my current daily activities. That started to depress me. I haven't felt productive at all this week. There were moments where I tried to get things going, but I would just end up being so unmotivated. I don't know. I just feel "blah" most of the times. I go to bed really late. I'll wake up with the feelings of Am I restarting the same unproductive day again? and I end up doing the same thing I did the previous day.

It doesn't help that I went back and activated my FaceBook account. Looking at my account can be depressing too. I don't post much status updates as I use to. However, I do get caught in this whole battle with "comparing" myself to others. I just see friends with there status updates and it comes off as if they're having this more than normal life. They're at least going out doing stuff and it does make me feel inadequate. Rationally I need to focus on myself rather than others, but there are times you just can't help but compare your life to others. It is a trap that everyone falls into and I have fallen prey to it.

Emotionally, physically, and mentally.... that's where I've been or maybe still at. This has been my whole week. I'll snap out of it, I'm sure, but I'm not helping the problem if I keep dwelling on it and participating in the same events over and over. I've started to make small changes in my routine and writing this out has been a process in itself. Even though I haven't done anything productive work-wise, this makes me feel productive with my personal development.

There are so many thoughts and feelings that I process. Most of the time I'm trying to avoid the process by distracting myself with other numbing activities. I end up with no rational answers, because I avoid my irrigational processing.

Time to do something, time to get grinding, and time to start living.

5 Minute Freewriting #9

I'm about to head out on a run tonight. It's been nearly a week or maybe 2 weeks since I've really done a regular running routine. I need to get out, but I've been lazy and I've allowed the colder weather to convince me.

I don't know where my head has been at the last couple of days. I wasn't necessarily looking for distractions to distract me. I just got hit with a really realy really really really really lazy mindset. I would lay on the couch or in my chair for hours just not really thinking or pushing myself. I would get  small burst of "ideas" of things I can do, but then once I would actually try to do it... I would get detoured and rather do nothing.

My eyes started to hurt a lot yesterday. At first, I thought it was because of the diet plan I'm restarting. I started off with a "fruit" cleanse where I only ate fruit for lunch and dinner. It made me a bit light headed and then I finally realized I also went without coffee or any sort of caffeine, which I believe my body has become use to in the last 2 weeks I've been drinking coffee. I got over that hump and I haven't had any headaches this morning. I decided to also blog or write about my health & fitness journey. Maybe it will help me or help me deal with the frustrations I've come across in past fitness experiences. I did an official weigh-in and body measurements and everything. Weigh-in's freak me out because my weight can fluctuate plus or minus 5 pounds within a week. Body measurements are more consistent, yet I tend to .....