5 Minute Freewriting #10

Original written on 12/4/10 @ 1:54 am

Tonight I went out with my sister and brother-in-law. I was having irrational feelings. I thought, maybe my sister asked me to tag along because she was feeling sorry for me. It's irrational, I know... She just wanted me to get out and I agree. I needed a change of scenery. We went to a tofu restaurant. I've been to a few and I wanted to try this korean dish that I usually get (bibimbap).  As usual, these places can be crowded with tight spots.

I went through a panic attack of some sort tonight. It was weird, but I think I knew I had it coming. I didn't freak out at all before, during, or after the panic attack. However, it just felt weird as always. It did make me feel alive, but it was uncomfortable. I had to squeeze into my chair and there were people behind me. The chairs are basically back to back against each other. After awhile, talking to my sister and brother in law and munching on the korean appetizers... I got my dish first. It was on a hot pot. The food wasn't spicy, but warm food (straight out of the kitchen) usually makes me work up a sweat. The steam was felt on my face and I really did start to feel claustrophobic. My appetite was gone.....

**end of 5 minutes**

(continued)
... I would just look at the food and take nibbles, but I really felt immobile. I was in a tight space feeling "pressure". I wasn't thinking so much about "social" things or how uncomfortable I might look. I just started to feel extremely uncomfortable. I asked my sister if the bathroom was in the back and I told her I was feeling a bit claustrophobic and excused myself. I did feel the heat and sweat forming on my head and so I splashed water on my face in the bathroom. I cooled off and had these thoughts of... "okay when I head back out, how will I come off to the customers at the other tables?" It's weird and very irrational for me to think that way. Why should I even care what the other people are thinking. They're all involved in their own atmosphere talking amongst themselves. I got back to my table and enjoyed whatever food I could, but my appetite for the food was way past gone. I was able to return to my normal state. I was able to talk and chit chat, but.... That attack was weird. I'm not shocked that it happened but it's just weird.