Thursday, May 26, 2011

Confused, but Funny

Today has been another continuation of yesterday, but I feel a bit more sluggish. I had lunch plans with another coworker and I drove 30 miles into another city to have lunch. The restaurant we met up at was crowded, but it wasn't a problem for me. We followed up the lunch with a stroll to the frozen yogurt place. My friend was filling me in on the current work situation at my old job. After that, I headed to target to buy travel size "stuff" for my Memorial Day Weekend.

I get home and I wanted to get my hotel reservations squared away with (the same thing I mentioned yesterday). I got an answering machine and decided to call again later. I got off the phone with my contact person about 10 minutes ago. I'm not sure what to think. I got a hold of my contact person and she was expecting my call. She then "congratulated" me. I wasn't sure why, but I thanked her anyway. She got my information, 1 room, double occupancy, arrival date, departure date, and credit card number. I thanked her for her help and she "congratulated" me again. It dawned on me that she thought I was the one getting married. I didn't know what to say so I let it be. It wasn't until I received the confirmation email (from the hotel) for my room, rate of charge, and what days I'll be there. I took it upon myself to email the contact person and to set things straight. I thanked her again. I told her that I was confused and that I wasn't getting married, but I thanked her for her help. It's funny to me, but awkward, because I wasn't sure what to say or if I should even correct her.

So I got that squared away with. I'm still somewhat addicted to coffee and it doesn't help my "sweating" problem. I still sweat when I talk (whether it's on the phone, on skype, on video, or in person).

Here's to a lovely (I hope), and what seems to be a warm/hot weekend.

Wednesday, May 25, 2011

Productive Midday

In continuation of this morning's personal productivity, I made my way out to the lunch date I had. I visited my old (work related) stomping grounds, which is in a busy shopping, lunch, and corporate area. It's not LA shopping, but Orange County at it's finest. It was nice. We ate outside and I talked and caught up with my friend. The other coworker/friend showed up later and it is nice (especially when you have your mind in the right place).

One thing I did notice... I still have a control issue with sweating (right now it's with the under arm). I forgot to apply this over the counter anti-perspirant last night, but I was okay. I realize that the sweating didn't occur with the heavy panic attacks. I only noticed the feeling, but I wasn't self-conscious about it. One of the things I did was wear a dark colored shirt as well (as a safety precaution).

I think it's important that when you're on a roll, that you continue to keep going if you have other things to accomplish. I proceeded to shop by myself. It wasn't a terrifying experience. I will admit that I have a sense of fashion, even if it's probably turn a bit more conservative over the years. I bought clothing that's a little more loose (rather than fitted) and darker color. Yes, it's a result to my underarm problem. Just something to reassure and calm my mind.

I accomplished that and shortly after I got home, I tried calling my contact person for the Hotel Booking. I got her answering machine, but I will try again.

So... a big lesson or insight or some sort of reminder to myself is that... You got to keep on pushing yourself if you are on a productive mood. Once you procrastinate, you leave sooooo much room for doubt. That's why I try to be pro-active as I can and if I can't.... I try to stay as grounded as I can.

Productive Mornings

It feels odd that I'm going to be a bit self-congratulatory, but I do think the tasks I've accomplished this morning needs mentioning. I can see how daily tasks (talking on the phone, corresponding through emails, setting up dates) isn't a great heap to be nervous or worried about with anyone who isn't shy or have any anxieties (socially). But, I'm not like your normal Joe. I'm pretty much worn out by the time I complete these tasks. I still get nervous and I still have my anxieties.

However, as long as I have done the prep work, allow room for spontaneity, and try to follow plans... I'm usually okay.

This morning I finally took care of business with a few things. I received an email from my car insurance claim handler and shortly followed by a call. I normally don't answer phone calls and I allow the calls to go straight to voicemail, but I picked up. I made small talk and dealt with the situation. I had to call and activate my credit card. I'm not new to this, but I'm never comfortable enough to just call without hesitation. Shortly after, I had to call my mobile carrier. I received a letter about something dealing with them enrolling me in a plan automatically, which I didn't want. They informed me more about it and they made a note and explained that I wouldn't be enrolled unless I did something. I got that taken care of.

After that, I was corresponding via email with a Director of Sales at a Hotel in San Francisco. I had to make sure that the offered quotes I received were still being offered and how I could book the reservations. I received an email awhile ago with good news. I just need to call the person now and book the reservations over phone.

I've also been corresponding with my friend (and coworker) about meeting up for lunch. We made a lunch date. Now here's where you need to leave yourself room for "spontaneity". Another former coworker (who's working in the same office as my friend) invited herself to the lunch. Oh well, what can you do. It's no biggie, but I know I can't really talk loosely and comfortably as I would normally with my friend.

I plan to do some shopping after lunch, because I need comfortable and appropriate clothes for this weekend. I have a bachelors party weekend. It's in Las Vegas, it's during Memorial Day Weekend, and.... Well, it's going to be packed.

Those are my triumphs this morning and I'm trying to make the most out of this productive morning.

Tuesday, May 24, 2011

Good Morning

This is one of the rare mornings I woke up early without the aid of an alarm. I clocked out at about midnight and woke up at 7 am this morning. That's a good solid 7 hours that I needed. Yesterday was a bit chaotic. I woke up a bit late (10 am) and I had to make sure I packed and loaded my car with my belongings. I finally left my parent's house and got on the road before noon. I figured I'd take an alternate route and view a different scenery. That added an hour of delay, because of road work and one lane roads. I made it through and just when I thought I was safe... I was on the LA highway and I just nearly missed being in an accident. The car to the left of me was speeding and trying to cut through cars. I anticipate everything and I saw that traffic was coming to a halt ahead of us. The car to my left didn't see it and ended up swerving to the carpool lane to avoid the car in front of it. The car behind that ended up swerving and nicked the back of my car. When I looked through my side view mirror, the car that went into the car pool lane actually slammed into the center divider. I hope no one was severely injured, but it didn't look great. I didn't see the damage to my car until I reached my apartment. It wasn't bad, but I called up my insurance to file the proper claims and have it checked out.

Ahhhh... yes, it is a good morning. My back is starting to loosen up (I've been dealing with mid-back pain this past weekend) and I have a busy week to get through. So it's a new change of scene again and a change of pace. Trying to soak everything in.

Thursday, May 19, 2011

Confidence is Key

During my stay here, back home, I've gone through all these inner-personal struggles. I arrived here with the idea of needing a certain "change of scene". I can recall feeling cramped for space (whether it was physical or mental space). I went through, what I can only recall as, another round of a quarter-life crisis. I was freaking out about my age, my thinning hair, insecurities about my body image and comparing myself to others.

I started doubting myself, worrying about my career, and having a hard time explaining (even to myself) to people back home what it was that I actually did. I faced a few social situations and I admit I focused on the negative outcomes and/or negative assumptions. However, I will say that I was successful in facing these events. I was successful in exposing myself to the environment and pushing myself to an extent. I was faced with a "fading" sense of confidence and a near breakdown.

I wrote about my experiences almost daily, but couldn't put things together or find insight until recently. It took awhile to put things into perspective, but I did with the help of my two closest friends.

There were many things I got out of my coffee shop conversations, but I think a few are key. At one point I was the "adored" kid, because I stayed out of trouble, got an education, and eventually a career. Now, I'm more of the "Why don't you have a girlfriend, Why aren't you married, Why don't you have kids, and Why don't you have a home?" adult. The statement above being a big contributing factor, if not the root, to my current anxieties... I finally get that many things affect how we feel and how going through different stages (age, life, experience) contribute to that. Simple or clear as it might sound, I couldn't grasp that idea until I was in the midst of the storm.

So where am I going with this? Well it wasn't until recently that I stumbled upon a blog. Finding new reading material or something you click with helps inspire and steer your senses. Even though the blog site is old an no longer updated, I read most of the early writings and found a lot of insight from it. What I got from the reading, is that the entire-whole experience I've had so far back home... It's starting to make sense to me. Writing about my "awakened" panic and social anxiety attacks might have not made any sense a week ago, but I feel like it does now. From everything that I've encountered, I seem to have this idea/notion that it's my "lack of confidence". Maybe it's the way I use my words or the term, because in simplicity it all comes back to social anxieties and the struggle with "myself".

After being comfortable, confident, and breaking no sweat while talking with people and running errands around town. It was a humbling experience when I felt that shot of panic and anxiety at my nieces baby shower. It was a humbling experience when I broke out in sweat and had a rise in anxiety when I attended a house viewing of a boxing match. It was a humbling experience when I suddenly felt a rise in low self-esteem when I picked up lunch. I was humbled, when my mom witnessed me breaking into sweat while I was getting my measurements taken at a Mens Wearhouse Store (for a groomsmen's tuxedo). Simply, repetitiously, and very accepting of this... I was humbled.

I get it. Or I can understand parts of it. The feelings of this "happening" seem to stem from my, as I've mentioned, "lack of confidence". Yes, I do understand how simple and easy of an explanation that sounds. A simple solution could be simply given as well: Grow a pair of balls and do something about it. There's your confidence!"

Maybe I'm just realizing this now. Or maybe my attention towards it isn't always there, but I've always had a sense of "confidence". Maybe I paid it no attention, or brushed it over. It's never been consistent or constant. Different life stages, age, and experiences will continue to influence and/or intimidate my confidence, but I know I can gradually build it up. If I look back at, what I feel are, my failures... I can see that it can take many steps to build that confidence and only one short mis-step for it to crumble. However, I do have the tools to rebuild, reshape, and re-invent myself.

With that being said... I do, and I genuinely feel "it" at the moment, have this sense of confidence within myself. Cool, Calm, and Collect.

Tuesday, May 17, 2011

Keeping At It

I haven't written as often as I'd like on here, but I'm keeping at it. I still write (via personal journal), just unmotivated to post anything here.

I've been doing great with my healthy eating habits (with occasional binges) and workouts. I have a pattern of working out and having a big workout at the end of the week, which eventually leads me to crash and be open to eating unhealthy. Today was a continuation of that, but I needed to nip it in the bud. After eating creme sandwich cookies, lemon flavored cream crackers, and other pastries... I made myself workout. Anything. Something. Just for 20 minutes, to get things going. I ended up working out for an hour, mainly doing resistance workouts with a little interval cardio mixed in between.

I've also been consistent with taking supplements (vitamins, fish oil, complex b vitamins) which help my caffeine-induced-panic-sweat attacks. I've been having that under control.

So... at the moment, I'm doing good and I'm keeping at it.