I had myself a panic attack. I was in a small group meeting and things where fine. I got called-up on and all the attention was focused on me. I felt my temp rise. If my complexion wasn't dark, you would of probably seen my face turn RED. I did a good job of keeping cool, but a few sweat beads got away from me. I'm writing this because I'm a bit flustered by it and I'm trying to get this experience out of my head.
Wednesday, February 22, 2012
Sunday, February 12, 2012
Trying to End on a Positive Note
If I look back at the start of this week, I must have been slowly tapering off from a previous strong week. Where do I begin? I need to start somewhere, because all this over consumption, eating, carb loading, and inactivity has been a result of my "avoidance" of doing things. I know myself. I've done this before and I remember writing about this type of situation last time. I remember this happening after my San Francisco Trip. My thoughts went to the gutter, I was somewhat in a depressed state, physically inactive and constantly over-eating. From summer-time till late early winter, I nearly put on 15 pounds. I've lost those ten pounds, but I'm stuck.
Emotions & Relationships
As mentioned in my last two writings… I've been "wylin'" about this girl. I'm not sure why, because it's not like me, but I got caught up in the situation. It reminds me that I'm human and that I have feelings, emotions, and a heart as well. I acknowledged how I felt. I accept the feelings I felt and I've been able to move forward. I'm not saying I wasn't hurt at all (because it did sting), but I was able to deal.
After a whole week of going through the motions. Feeling upset with myself for allowing myself to get caught up, I was looking forward to this weekend getaway. Some snowboarding in the mountains would do me some good. However, there's always a catch. A week later after feeling that I got "put-on"… I get a text from this girl. If I'm honest with my emotions… I was happy. Not happy as in "yay, she's still thinking about me". But happy in a sense of… "okay, now I have some resolve and last say in this". I didn't bother to reply back. I was done with the situation. She texted again later in the day, while I was on the road. I brushed it off. Nothing against her, but it was just something I needed to do. It wasn't until I arrived at Mammoth (Snow Resort) and had dinner with my buddies that I saw a missed call from my phone. Long story short, I had the door closed, but not locked. I allowed myself to get caught up again. After getting that feeling of being "put-on" again, I had to ask the obvious. I ended up asking her, "What happened the other week?" I told her that her "phone" just being activated as an excuse seemed weird to me, but I let her know that everything between her and I were cool and that I would see her around sometime. That was basically me saying my piece/peace in a nice way.
She did respond back and I got my resolve from it. I continued the past week without contacting her. I let things fade. However, my body was still trying to recover from that weekend. I wasn't getting enough sleep. My eating habit shifted. I was skipping breakfast and I'd be craving sugar during the work day. I gave in during the last day of the work week and I indulged in cookies, too much coffee, and this weekend was just horrible. One Chocolate peanut butter sandwich after another, tortilla lime chips and salsa. All things carbs, followed with coffee and creamer. I kept telling myself I'd run it off, but I never could get myself in the mood. I felt cramped and annoyed. I was able to go walk my dog today and I feel much better now that I've cleaned up my room and that I'm writing things out.
Well, I felt okay Friday and I ended up texting the said girl mentioned. I just txt'd her about something she posted on Facebook. Small talk, just showing everything's cool. It was innocent, nothing flirtatious, but I know that I cracked open the door again. I allowed myself to keep looking at her Facebook page trying to figure out her "status" updates. Now that I'm admitting this, I'm allowing myself to move onwards.
What am I trying to convey in this writing? I'm not sure, but as I've mentioned before… I'm an emotional eater. With these emotions not being dealt with the right way, they tend to creep up with my eating habits. Clearly, this weekend was horrible. Maybe I wasn't in an emotional mess, I sure acted out in a very destructible way.
It's good to realize my faults and weaknesses. It allows me to move on. I have tomorrow to workout, clean-up my eating habits, and genuinely breathe new life into my work week. It's time to let this slip-up go, and time to buckle down and get things going again.
Feeling good at the moment...
Emotions & Relationships
As mentioned in my last two writings… I've been "wylin'" about this girl. I'm not sure why, because it's not like me, but I got caught up in the situation. It reminds me that I'm human and that I have feelings, emotions, and a heart as well. I acknowledged how I felt. I accept the feelings I felt and I've been able to move forward. I'm not saying I wasn't hurt at all (because it did sting), but I was able to deal.
After a whole week of going through the motions. Feeling upset with myself for allowing myself to get caught up, I was looking forward to this weekend getaway. Some snowboarding in the mountains would do me some good. However, there's always a catch. A week later after feeling that I got "put-on"… I get a text from this girl. If I'm honest with my emotions… I was happy. Not happy as in "yay, she's still thinking about me". But happy in a sense of… "okay, now I have some resolve and last say in this". I didn't bother to reply back. I was done with the situation. She texted again later in the day, while I was on the road. I brushed it off. Nothing against her, but it was just something I needed to do. It wasn't until I arrived at Mammoth (Snow Resort) and had dinner with my buddies that I saw a missed call from my phone. Long story short, I had the door closed, but not locked. I allowed myself to get caught up again. After getting that feeling of being "put-on" again, I had to ask the obvious. I ended up asking her, "What happened the other week?" I told her that her "phone" just being activated as an excuse seemed weird to me, but I let her know that everything between her and I were cool and that I would see her around sometime. That was basically me saying my piece/peace in a nice way.
She did respond back and I got my resolve from it. I continued the past week without contacting her. I let things fade. However, my body was still trying to recover from that weekend. I wasn't getting enough sleep. My eating habit shifted. I was skipping breakfast and I'd be craving sugar during the work day. I gave in during the last day of the work week and I indulged in cookies, too much coffee, and this weekend was just horrible. One Chocolate peanut butter sandwich after another, tortilla lime chips and salsa. All things carbs, followed with coffee and creamer. I kept telling myself I'd run it off, but I never could get myself in the mood. I felt cramped and annoyed. I was able to go walk my dog today and I feel much better now that I've cleaned up my room and that I'm writing things out.
Well, I felt okay Friday and I ended up texting the said girl mentioned. I just txt'd her about something she posted on Facebook. Small talk, just showing everything's cool. It was innocent, nothing flirtatious, but I know that I cracked open the door again. I allowed myself to keep looking at her Facebook page trying to figure out her "status" updates. Now that I'm admitting this, I'm allowing myself to move onwards.
What am I trying to convey in this writing? I'm not sure, but as I've mentioned before… I'm an emotional eater. With these emotions not being dealt with the right way, they tend to creep up with my eating habits. Clearly, this weekend was horrible. Maybe I wasn't in an emotional mess, I sure acted out in a very destructible way.
It's good to realize my faults and weaknesses. It allows me to move on. I have tomorrow to workout, clean-up my eating habits, and genuinely breathe new life into my work week. It's time to let this slip-up go, and time to buckle down and get things going again.
Feeling good at the moment...
Thursday, February 2, 2012
Work, A Girl, and Snowboarding
I knocked out last night shortly after pigging out on some food. I just remember waking up 40 minutes ago on the couch with my dog curled up in my arms. Yesterday was one of those mind-draining days where it, unfortunately, leaves me un-enthusiastic to come into work. My coworker's over-enthusiasm about certain things comes off really fake to me and makes me exert energy to try to even keep up.
It's annoying and I don't know how long I can last and be myself at the same time. I'm expected to propose a few things with our new UX Director on what I want to do at work, what I expect, what our team can provide and lead with. It's just ultimately draining when I can't do simple things, because my energy is being wasted by my coworkers draining it away.
On another note, my previous entry involving a "girl" has came to an end. Out of that experience, the main thing I'm a little upset about (and it's still lingering) is the fact that I let myself get caught up in that situation. Knowing the circumstances, knowing her situation, and assuming it would lead us both to no where... I still allowed myself to get caught up in the situation. People do it all the time and this time I experienced it. I think the fact that someone showed interest in me and that I had a mutual interest in this person excited me. Even with the drama it could of attached, I was definitely intrigued by her. However, I should of known from our "txtings" that got boring and our phone conversations that stalled... that there really wasn't any chemistry.
She suggested that if I'm in town that we should hangout. Last week, I was actually in town, and I made an attempt to make plans. Whether she believed that I was in town or not, or maybe she started dating someone else prior to me arriving, or maybe her current "drama" was the reason... I didn't want to be that guy who played the "chase" part. After txting her twice just asking her what's up and being met with no response, I clipped the situation. I never txted her back and I never received a response as well. So maybe it doesn't sit with me well, because it feels like she got the last word in, but oh well. Why am I even allowing myself to feel this way and over something like this?
I haven't snowboarded in over a year and I thought I would take this opportunity that just came up. I'm heading to Mammoth this weekend and will get two days worth of snowboarding. Mother Nature, Sunshine, and decent snow. I really need this. Being in tune with myself helps me resolve any issues I have with myself :)
It's annoying and I don't know how long I can last and be myself at the same time. I'm expected to propose a few things with our new UX Director on what I want to do at work, what I expect, what our team can provide and lead with. It's just ultimately draining when I can't do simple things, because my energy is being wasted by my coworkers draining it away.
On another note, my previous entry involving a "girl" has came to an end. Out of that experience, the main thing I'm a little upset about (and it's still lingering) is the fact that I let myself get caught up in that situation. Knowing the circumstances, knowing her situation, and assuming it would lead us both to no where... I still allowed myself to get caught up in the situation. People do it all the time and this time I experienced it. I think the fact that someone showed interest in me and that I had a mutual interest in this person excited me. Even with the drama it could of attached, I was definitely intrigued by her. However, I should of known from our "txtings" that got boring and our phone conversations that stalled... that there really wasn't any chemistry.
She suggested that if I'm in town that we should hangout. Last week, I was actually in town, and I made an attempt to make plans. Whether she believed that I was in town or not, or maybe she started dating someone else prior to me arriving, or maybe her current "drama" was the reason... I didn't want to be that guy who played the "chase" part. After txting her twice just asking her what's up and being met with no response, I clipped the situation. I never txted her back and I never received a response as well. So maybe it doesn't sit with me well, because it feels like she got the last word in, but oh well. Why am I even allowing myself to feel this way and over something like this?
I haven't snowboarded in over a year and I thought I would take this opportunity that just came up. I'm heading to Mammoth this weekend and will get two days worth of snowboarding. Mother Nature, Sunshine, and decent snow. I really need this. Being in tune with myself helps me resolve any issues I have with myself :)
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