Freaking out, So I thought I'd Ramble On

I'm freaking out right now. My hair's been bothering me lately. I haven't felt really "fresh" these past couple of days, because I've been going to sleep late and just working away. I've been feeling short, annoyed, and stressed lately. I've noticed my hair has been somewhat coarse. I've always been paranoid and though my hair seemed to be thinning in the back or maybe the light was hitting it a certain way. I know that the hairline near my front has receded compared to when I was younger (let's say 5 to 10 years ago). Yet, I know that my hair still looks thick or full.

I cut my own hair and at first I thought I would only trim my hair, but the spot I made a mistake on last week was bothering me. I figured I'd shave my whole head shorter. I noticed that the line design I tried putting near the crown/front of my head hasn't grown in and it somewhat appears as if it's not going to.

I have a handheld mirror and medicine cabinet mirrors to view my hair while I use the clipper on my head. If I remember correctly, I last had a buzz cut in December. I don't remember having any bald spots or patches. When I buzzed near the top back area of my head… I noticed a very distinct and visible bold patch. It freaked me out. I'm still freaked out. I don't know what it is. I don't know if I'm going bald or if it's something else. It's near the swirly part of my hair, but not quite. Then I look at the patterns around this bald patch and I keep seeing or conjuring this image of thinning hair. It's freaking me out and I know I'll most likely be balding when I'm older, but… It's such a stupid feeling to have, knowing there are worse things, but I'm so freaked out over this. This bald patch that wasn't there before freaks me out, because it doesn't seem like a gradual or predicted patch. It's like a thumb sized spot surround by full set of hair.

The thoughts I had running (and I still have them running, but controlled)… I thought about turning 30 this year. I thought about where I'm at in my life. Why I'm still not living on my own or if I ever will. Or the fact that I'm not married or have any kids of my own. Then I think about how everyone around me, especially being back home, is either engaged or married. I just had a niece give birth to a kid, a friend's sister give birth, and another childhood friend have a baby. Maybe it's everything that's freaking me out.

I'm really scared to look at that spot on my head. I'm hoping it's from stress or maybe a ringworm. It's just a wakeup call for me, especially since I've been very unhealthy again this week. I've been eating recklessly and not getting any exercise whatsoever. I've been self-trapped in my own room. I know I need to change something. I need to change the way I think, behave, and feel in order to get something or anything going. I need to empty out my running thoughts…

Why is this such a wake up call? I'm sure I've had other things that could be looked at as a wakeup call (SA, being Single, Independence)… But maybe this thumb-sized bald spot represents all of those "things".

"Lawd have mercy on me"

Just Thinking Out Loud...

I just drank a sh*t load of coffee today and I actually feel "high" off of it right now. I hope I don't crash and burn, but I know the feeling all to well. Anyways, this is just me with a bunch of rambling thoughts...

I'm always curious about possible job opportunities back home (or near my hometown). The bigger cities near my hometown are roughly 30 - 45 minutes away (North and South). When I say big cities, they're not exactly Los Angeles or San Francisco type cities. Sometimes I'll find an interesting job that somewhat pertains to my field and I've actually applied to one last year. I never received a response back and I always wonder if they actually look for creative talent. Maybe I should've used my parent's address to show them I was local.

Today, I came across a company that posted a few positions that were related to my line of work. It seemed they listed the actual job under three different titles (HTML Specialist, Graphic Designer, Web Designer) but I figure they want the person to do all. I'm pretty confident or I think I would at least get a response back from the company if I applied.

The salary is a bit lower than what you would get paid in a bigger city, but the cost of living is really low. I started to daydream about this idea. Even though I live in Los Angeles County where there are so many opportunities. However, I tend to let my personality (my shyness, timidness, introverted side, and social anxieties) discourage me. Yet, in a more smaller town setting, I feel as if I do have more control over myself and I would be a bit more assertive then passive.

I think I would be able to live on my own, save up a lot of money. I'd be able to keep doing work with the clients I do web projects for and I could see myself working my way towards "San Francisco" maybe in later years.

That's just a thought or a daydream I've been indulging in. I know it's not everyone's typical daydream. I think the "Normal" person would dream of working in the city. I always find a calmness or peace back home and that's why I think I could handle living on my own if I were to get a job near my hometown.

Who knows. I'm left with... Lower Salary but Lower cost of Living vs Higher Salary Positions but with Higher Cost of Living.

The truth is, I don't have an active social life. I'm not going out every night, so I'm not really enjoying the "city life" as it should be enjoyed. I'm not really pulling in tons of money with the client's I work for, and I'm basically making enough money just so that I could live comfortably working at my apartment.

So, I think if I was given an opportunity to work near my hometown... I think I would take it. It could be a new start for me. Well, not a new start but a change of pace. We'll see what happens.

5-Minute Freewriting #27

I don't know where to begin or how I got to this untangled web of thoughts. I've stopped writing, thats apparent. My thoughts haven't had the proper channel to escape. Last week I wrote, but I didn't really vent out on it as much. I wake up very tired and irritated lately. Do I know why this is happening? Sure. I'm going to be d at 3 - 4 am in the morning again. I'm drinking coffee well into the late night. I know I need to stop that, but it's a pick me up. I only get motivated to work at late hours of the night. During the day I'm just browsing the net wasting time. I feel trapped in my room at times, but that's because my brother in law has this whole week off and he's been in the apartment as well. I haven't had the place to myself or the freedom to rome around. I think that's why I might feel restricted, irritated and annoyed, but I'm dealing with it. Not only that, I will have to travel tomorrow for a death in the family (not immediate family). Funerals are never fun. I'm met with a lot of anxiety, because a lot of the kids (the troubled kids, the ones involved in the drug game) I grew up with will be there. I had mixed feelings about my cousin (the one who just passed away). I'm saddened, yet, but I do have my own thoughts towards how he carried out his life. I just feel as if he took the easy way out or that he was a bit selfish in the way he decided to go out, but who am I to judge. That's why my feelings are mixed.

****

I just have this cloud looming over me. At first, I wasn't looking forward to the rosary and funeral at all. I wasn't looking forward to running into people. Having to make small talk, having to... just run into family. I have this thought or feeling as if I'll be looked at as "why is he so fortunate?" because it is true.... Out of all the cousins, my parents seem to be the ones with there heads straight. They're the ones who seem to be stable, with stable kids. Because of that, I can't help but think that the other aunts look at me and wonder why I'm so fortunate. I don't like all the attention. I don't like any attention. Then again, this whole event isn't for me and that's why I was able to change my thoughts around.

One thing I am upset about is... My sister. We shared a lot of the same feelings about "traveling back home" for this event. However, I was under the impression that she was going but wouldn't be able to stay for the funeral (which is on a Monday). But, I find out she isn't going home at all. She decided to continue with her previous engagements. She feels bad and she says it feels like she's selfish. I get it and I understand, but I do view her actions as being selfish. No problem, I just don't like having to deal with her "stuff". Meaning... I have to answer for her. I have to come up with something when aunts, uncles, and cousins asks me "Where's your sister?" I'm not looking forward to that....

Long Rant

I wish I could have my weekend back. This past week has been a week of adjustments, readjustments, and not getting readjusted. At the moment, I'm very irritated, frustrated, and annoyed. I would love to scream out loud right now. I'm craving cigarettes right now. I use to be a smoker and the immediate satisfaction of smoking helps kill your frustrations (but it's only short lived). It's kind of like drinking a nice cold beer after a long day of work.

Then again, I can't stand cigarette smoke anymore and I don't like drinking alcohol unless it's during a night out. I needed a break from the project I've been working on. I know it's not "work" that's frustrating me. It's working on a particular project that is bothering me. I've been working on it ever since I woke up this morning. I've made progress on it, but I'm going in circles and muttering curse words under my breath. I'm not getting anywhere fast. I know it's more beneficial to take a break. Possibly relax, take a few deep breath's and maybe write out my annoyances.

Last week, I was back home (my parent's house) and stationed myself there for a week and a half. When I first got there, I was surprised. I was on schedule with whatever it was that I was trying to accomplish. My focus was sharp and I wasn't detered from my path. I had to deal with the "problem project" that I'm dealing with now, however I skipped over it when I couldn't get anywhere with it. I was able to make progress with the other projects on my agenda.

Another thing I was feeling great about, was that I was able to stick to a healthy diet. I was able to limit my sugar intake along with a balanced proportion of Protein, Carbs, and Fats. In previous weeks, I was able to lose an average of 1 pound (of fat) a week. When I got home, I kept at it and I was also working out my frustrations while at Home. I was doing high intensity interval training workouts with a jump rope. I would normally wake up at 8 or 9 a.m. I'd have my morning coffee, eggs, and turkey bacon. I would start working away. Then I would take a break at around 12 and do my rope jumping routine for 20 minutes. I was burning 260 calories and it also kept me alert and my metabolism going. Later on in the day, before dinner, I would follow up with a 45 minute cardio workout. After a good week of repeating that routine, I weighed in last weekend and lost 5 lbs. Here's the discrepancy: I weighed in on an analog scale. I weighed in after two heavy workouts (20 minutes of rope jumping, 60 minutes of jogging). I weighed in with only coffee, muscle milk, and a peanut butter sandwich as my only source of food. My measurement's were smaller (my waist, hips, chest) and I felt good. Later on that day was my Grandpa's Birthday. I thought that it would be my "cheat" day and I over indulged on the food (rice, beef & broccoli, beef & mushrooms) and sweets (macaroons, cake, cupcakes, sweet sticky rice, fried banana rolls). I think indulging in the foods were okay, but I went a bit overboard and it continued into the weekend and weekday. This past week, I've been trying to readjust and cut down my sugar intake (cutting out sweets), but I haven't really been giving it an honest effort. I also haven't been working out consistently. I had a long run on Saturday and I weighed in after. I assumed I would have gained the weight I lost the other weekend and I was correct. I do feel bummed about it, but I understand why I gained the weight back. However, my measurements (waist, chest, hips) have gone down. I would like to think I've lost fat and gained more muscle, but who knows. There are times when I'm not into my "fitness" but I need to get back on my "A" game, because it annoys me if I'm not.

With my form of addiction to sweets, I'm somewhat going on a binge. I know the consequences, but I'm trying to clean it up. I shall have a better week ahead.

I think I've vented and relaxed a bit now.

Decompressing...

Finally… I've either found time, or made time to decompress, unwind, and to let my thoughts flow rather than be focused and contained.

I've had an interesting work week. I also feel that my work doesn't seem to be it's worth in gold. As a freelance web designer, who's barely doing "okay", and a person recovering from SA… It can be hard to conduct business. Communication with a client in important. Most of the time, there are huge gaps in the communication. I was frustrated last week, because I spent a lot of my time working on a project that I'm basically doing way more work for what I've gotten paid for and for what else is due.

I switched gears and worked on other projects for other clients. I met up with a high school friend and created a very nice postcard design that he'll be using to promote an iPhone app at this year's SXSW. I had a positive experience when meeting with him at the local Starbucks going over things. It was an easy meeting. Asking questions, getting ideas, seeing what type of art direction he wanted. There were times when we got off subject and talked about the locals (this is back in my hometown), some of our common friends, and everything else under the sun. I had fun with this project. I got to do something more artistic.

After that, I switched gears working on an a new website for a reoccurring client. I made a lot of progress, but hit a lot of speed bumps. I did get frustrated and I was on a high alert, thinking this project needs to be completed ASAP (which is true, but no date has been given). It also doesn't help that the Art Director is very indecisive. I had a talk with the Senior Designer and got a better understanding. I felt better after the talk and stopped pressuring myself to be in a "EMERGENCY-HURRY-UP" mode. It's important that I get the job done as fast as possible, but you can't rush QUALITY.

I also worked on another project for a client in New York. I got to create some design patterns and I sent her some samples (different variations). This client is nice as she kept hounding me to invoice her for work I recently done. Even though she decided not to use my work or want me to go any further than the conceptualizing stage, she wanted me to invoice her for the work I put in.

Soooooo… tonight I'm wrapping everything up. I will shut down my iMac and box it up. I'm heading back to my apartment, where I haven't seen my sister, brother-in-law, CoCo (Apartment Dog) in over a week and a half.

Before packing up my stuff, I sat down and finally looked at my finances and started on my Taxes (FINALLY!!!). Oh man is it so depressing. I know I joke, but there's a degree of truth in it. I'm back to reality and I have bills to pay. My workload has picked up, but I get paid on a 30-Day cycle with my main client. I only charge small project amounts for my other clients. And for some of the other clients that I'm frustrated with, I haven't invoiced them… just because it gives me more reason not to feel bad for not wanting to produce any work for them.

I'm finally breathing everything in….. I'm decompressing. What a week and I haven't even been able to focus on my progress or experiences with anxieties.

I hope everyone's doing great…