I'm freaking out right now. My hair's been bothering me lately. I haven't felt really "fresh" these past couple of days, because I've been going to sleep late and just working away. I've been feeling short, annoyed, and stressed lately. I've noticed my hair has been somewhat coarse. I've always been paranoid and though my hair seemed to be thinning in the back or maybe the light was hitting it a certain way. I know that the hairline near my front has receded compared to when I was younger (let's say 5 to 10 years ago). Yet, I know that my hair still looks thick or full.
I cut my own hair and at first I thought I would only trim my hair, but the spot I made a mistake on last week was bothering me. I figured I'd shave my whole head shorter. I noticed that the line design I tried putting near the crown/front of my head hasn't grown in and it somewhat appears as if it's not going to.
I have a handheld mirror and medicine cabinet mirrors to view my hair while I use the clipper on my head. If I remember correctly, I last had a buzz cut in December. I don't remember having any bald spots or patches. When I buzzed near the top back area of my head… I noticed a very distinct and visible bold patch. It freaked me out. I'm still freaked out. I don't know what it is. I don't know if I'm going bald or if it's something else. It's near the swirly part of my hair, but not quite. Then I look at the patterns around this bald patch and I keep seeing or conjuring this image of thinning hair. It's freaking me out and I know I'll most likely be balding when I'm older, but… It's such a stupid feeling to have, knowing there are worse things, but I'm so freaked out over this. This bald patch that wasn't there before freaks me out, because it doesn't seem like a gradual or predicted patch. It's like a thumb sized spot surround by full set of hair.
The thoughts I had running (and I still have them running, but controlled)… I thought about turning 30 this year. I thought about where I'm at in my life. Why I'm still not living on my own or if I ever will. Or the fact that I'm not married or have any kids of my own. Then I think about how everyone around me, especially being back home, is either engaged or married. I just had a niece give birth to a kid, a friend's sister give birth, and another childhood friend have a baby. Maybe it's everything that's freaking me out.
I'm really scared to look at that spot on my head. I'm hoping it's from stress or maybe a ringworm. It's just a wakeup call for me, especially since I've been very unhealthy again this week. I've been eating recklessly and not getting any exercise whatsoever. I've been self-trapped in my own room. I know I need to change something. I need to change the way I think, behave, and feel in order to get something or anything going. I need to empty out my running thoughts…
Why is this such a wake up call? I'm sure I've had other things that could be looked at as a wakeup call (SA, being Single, Independence)… But maybe this thumb-sized bald spot represents all of those "things".
"Lawd have mercy on me"