Thursday, April 14, 2011

Oversleeping

I can't recall the last time I've overslept. Today was one of those rare occasions that I overslept. I seem to have bypassed all of my alarms setup on my phone. I didn't even shut them off, which means I slept through all of the noise. I woke up with a headache and the back of my neck isn't feeling all that great. I went to sleep at a earlier than usual time (2 am) andw woke up right before noon. I think I'm looking too much into this, but I think the fact that I've been feeling trapped in my room, feeling uncertaintity with my work, that I do feel this sense of "not wanting" to be awake.

Good thing that I 've made plans to change the scenery. I'm going back home to my parent's house and staying there for awhile. I don't know what I'll actually do there. I want to be productive there and follow up with my job interviews (I have one so far).

Change can be good. Change is good. I need a new perspective. I need to try something different.

Tuesday, April 12, 2011

Another Day, Another Dollar!

As much as I love my car, I'm not a car buff or someone who knows a great deal about car parts. If I had my own garage and car tools, I probably would do my own oil change and tire rotations. All major repairs or fixes, I would leave to a trusted mechanic.

I finally setup an appointment for my car to get serviced (53,000 Miles). It's due for an oil change, tire rotation, inspections, and fluid top-offs. My last major maintenance was with a trusted mechanic that I found through a Volkswagen Golf Enthusiast Forum. The mechanic charged me half the price the dealership was going to charge me for this mandatory 40,000 Mile service. I believe I paid a total of $250 vs $600-$1000 at a dealership. Not to mention that this mechanic was located a mile away from my previous workplace. During my last visit, I had a $20 oil change and realized why it was cheap. It was because no maintenance work (tires rotated, break inspection, and fluids topped off) was done. I remember that my break pads would have to be replaced, but I wasn't sure when. I explained to my previous mechanic that I hardly drive my car around and he told me that I would be fine. I drove back to my hometown 2 times last month adding nearly 1000 miles on my car.

I dropped my car off at a different mechanic. I read good reviews on the mechanic/establishment and reasonable prices. It's also located a few blocks away from my apartment. This was very convenient allowing me to walk back home and not have to wait hours on end for my car to be done. When I called the place last week, they told me service STARTS at $110 and everything else is added on. I figured I'd be paying around $150, but to my surprise I'm paying 4 times the initial price. It's a bit hard to swallow, but I keep feeding myself logical reasons. I drive a sports car. On top of that, it's a european (german) sports car. I understood that maintenance for this car is pricey and when I have these moments, I'm reminded of it.

So.... I'm paying a total of $460+ for Labor, Oil & Filter material, and Break Pads. Ouch is right, but I think having this done at a dealership would have cost me $600. Now taking this to my previous mechanic might cost me $200 - $300, but I really didn't want to drive 30 miles away and wait half a day in a wait room.

Yes, I have a headache right now. I understand the value of keeping your car running. I try not to neglect it's needs and I do everything to make it happy. I'm not a car enthusiast, but I do keep my car clean INSIDE and respectable OUTSIDE. I'm fortunate, I have the funds to cover it. However, it's a headache when you see large amounts of your money being put to use. I recently paid off two credit card bills. I still have to plan and budget this month's expenses (rent, utilities, groceries). This month I've also been spending more money on electronics, because I'm planning on setting up Internet at my parents and staying there for awhile. I really do feel like I'm squandering away money at this moment and that's why I need to focus on making more. Ouch! I don't know how I'm coming off or sounding at the moment, because I'm giving reasons for my spending. I'm trying to rationalize things and I value how everything I'm doing is important. Yet, when it comes down to it.... It's still hitting my wallet and it HURTS!

Sunday, April 10, 2011

The Incredible Sulk

RAWR! As much as I've been mumbling, ranting, and venting out my frustrations... It still continues. I don't know how to explain it. There is no preventative measure, because I'M IN IT. I'm familiar with this cycle and this "situation" I'm in, but I can't shake it off. Weeks prior, I was on a very healthy dose of sleep, diet, work, and sunlight. Then DEF-CON 3 came into play and I had to work feverishly for a companies website launch. That event passed and I've been rummaging in the wake ever since. I've been drowning in this yucky feeling ever since. I haven't been going out or taking my normal jogs lately. It's been so long that I convince myself from not going out, not walking the dog, not going for my daily jog. I hate being trapped, but I end up trapping myself in my room. I end up feeling really annoyed and irritated.

Now, my problem is my eating habit and how I feel. I've had a hard time cleaning up my horrible eating habit. All the processed sugar and carbs. I can see how it's affected me. I'm irritable. I feel full and my stomach feels like it's popping out. I feel fat and just disgusted, leaving me not wanting to go outside. I need to break out of this cycle or this "thing" that I'm in, but it's not an easy task.

RAWR!!!!!

Saturday, April 9, 2011

An Overdue Weekend Rant

Where would I be without my pen & paper (my macbook)? I'm sure I'd be somewhere. I'm sure I'd find other venues to vent and express my thoughts, but nothing compares to the ease and effectiveness of writing.

As always, I've been neglecting my thoughts, my writing process, and my usual way of venting. In many ways I am very fragile. If one aspect of my life is trapped, frustrated, and/or irritated, then it surely effects other aspects of my life (i.e. relationships, career, physical health, etc.). As I've mentioned before, it can work the other way as well.

Last night was not one of my greatest moments. I fed in and allowed myself to wallow in whatever mess I felt I was in. I found other things to occupy my time. I worked for probably three hours in the morning, until I stopped receiving any emails from a coworker. I was put in a sour mood, because I had to free up my time to wait for the repairman to fix the washer. I think what frustrates me more, and I know it's nothing to gripe about, is that I feel like I'm looked at as the person who can set aside time to sign for a package delivery, walk the dog, grocery shopping, prepare dinner for the apartment. Yes, it's convenient that I work from my home office, but it doesn't mean that I have all the time in the world to cater to other things for other people. So, it frustrates me that I feel like I'm looked at that way. I understand that I'm not asked to be put in that position, but it's the fact that I am put in that position (or that I put myself in that position) sometimes that I get annoyed.

I think that's been building up in me for awhile, and that's why I've been daydreaming about... living on my own and in a different location. One that's closer to my hometown, but still an hour and a half away from the big city. Somewhat of a middle area that has the feel of a small town, but it's taste of a metro city. That's actually why I lost sleep last weekend, when I should have been recouping from that crazy work schedule I've endured. Instead, I basically stayed up the whole night looking at apartments, cost of living, and the base salary one would have to make. By the time my mind was exhausted and ready to knock out, I had to be awake because I told my brother-in-law that I'd follow him to drop his car off at the mechanics. Even though I did not let on, it in fact put a very big wrinkle in my day (mentally). I just grew annoyed and irritated.

I don't know what the immediate future holds. I don't have any regrets in the decisions I've made in the past. Even if that entails... feeling or being financially setback a good 2 years, but I've gained valuable knowledge and experience in the process. I know what I'm capable of and I know what I'm comfortable with. It's been a process, but I feel I've gradually pushed myself towards my limits making me grow as a person. When it comes down to it, when you want or need something. You need to make sure you plan, prepare, and do the work that it takes to get there.

I still feel frustrated and annoyed, but this is a start. I need to feel better. It's beautiful outside, and its the cool breeze weather that I enjoy, yet I'm indulging myself in pastries and self-defeating thoughts... I need a change. I need to make a change. I need.. I HAVE TO.

Friday, April 8, 2011

I don't know how people do it...

I have friends who have cans or bags of potatoe chips, a stash of sweets, or a chocolate bar at there disposal. They're able to nibble at it, put it away, and return to it whenever they want.

I'm not of that type. That is why I hardly buy any packaged snacks. I went to Fresh & Easy yesterday and bought a bag of Tomato Basil Veggie Crisps, Honey Glazed Pretzel Bits, and these Baked Sunflower Seed & Coco Flake bits. My problem is... Once I open a bag, I have the need to finish them off that day.

*sigh*

Thursday, April 7, 2011

What am I doing?

It's a bit comic that we tend to abuse or neglect every indication of what our body and/or mind is telling us. Last week was a hectic, crazy, annoying, and unbelievably irritating schedule for me. I probably got a total of 15 hours of sleep that week (3 - 4 hours of sleep every night). One can imagine how irritated a person can get when they're hanging by a thread. I was not in a mood to talk and I admit that I was a bit snappy. I didn't want to make conversation with anyone and I the days grew restless. When I thought I was done, more changes and more additions were piled onto the project. The project launched, but it's far from done. This week is a continuation of last week, but at a much more slower pace.

I hardly had an appetite last week and I was downing major cups of coffee. After weening myself off and drinking 3 cups at most a day, I'm back to drinking 6 cups of coffee. I've been trying to get back on my healthy eating regime, but I'm sneaking and snacking on an extra amount of carbs and sugar. I'll have a piece of wheat bread (or two) with a slab of peanut butter and a spoonful of nutella after a nice green lunch. Then I'll continue to snack on the same thing after dinner, except multiply that by two or three.

I always try to find balance or an offset. I've slowly been getting into my workout regime, but my body hasn't taken it lightly. I bought new shoes, but my feet hate them. My shins act up when I walk up hill and my calves and hips hate me when I try to run. I have no lift or energy, that when I run my feet drag and make that scraping noise.

And at the end of the day... when my body is clearly telling me: WE'RE EXHAUSTED. WE'RE HUNGRY. WE'RE IN NEED OF A GOOD AMOUNT OF SLEEP. WE NEED REST! Yet, I neglect the signs. I don't listen to the cries and I drone on scouring the internet for mindless reading and/or visual material. My eyes want to shut, while my mind doesn't want to do any thinking. Yet... I refuse to go to sleep for no other reason than not wanting to call it quits.

I think this is a start. Whether I get 4 or 8 hours of sleep, it means nothing if I go to sleep with this "unwilling" feeling. This is a start... by relieving, exercising, and venting out my thoughts... I'm clearing out my mind and making room for better thoughts and feelings in the morning.

Nema & MoniqueS

I'd like to say thanks for the support and comments you left me on my previous post. I admit, I had a bit of a weird brake down. I went to bed feeling frightened when I encountered that bald spot on my head. Looking back at the event now, it's funny and very irrational thinking on my part. Yes, I'm at that age where I'm sure my hair will start to recede. Yes, I probably was in a stressfull mode to where hair has been falling out morethan usual. Yes, it really did effect how I thought and felt. And yes, I guess I do value my hair, my youth, my immortaility.

After having days to mull it over. After having my sister look at the spot and tell me it looks like a "scalp and skin" problem rather than a balding problem. After reading your comments.... I felt that reassurance and calmness that I wish I had to begin with.

With all that being said.. Again... Thanks for those comments. It helped put any irrational thoughts at ease and at bay.

Saturday, April 2, 2011

...

... it's been a long week. I was going to vent earlier tonight, but I'm too much of a zombie at the moment.