Before I Forget...

I haven't been able to write lately, or even record my usual Vlogs. However, there was one moment last week I wanted to mention.

I attended a friends (ex-coworker) bon-voyage happy hour get together. It was her last day at the last company I worked for. I was looking forward to it, but it would be a lie if I said I wasn't nervous or anxious or didn't have any anxiety. I think I started getting anticipatory anxiety hours before driving to the place. I was still fighting that cold/allergy/sinus thing I had, but I got through it. The function was fine. I was actually social (but I wouldn't say I was completely comfortable). I walked into this Restaurant and I knew they would be near the bar. I walked around the bar and spotted them. I tapped my friend on the back and she turned around. I gave a big hug and we talked. Then I saw another coworker there and we talked. There were times I caught myself feeling uncomfortable. One of those moments are when I'm talking with a coworker and within my peripherals, I can see other workers (people I don't really know) not talking and somewhat of a wall-flower. I feel uncomfortable, because I feel like I'm being rude or I should somehow steer the conversation where I include them. I put this pressure on myself, but I try to just focus on the person I'm talking with. That's one situation.

So, I made my way towards another part of the table and I heard someone yell my name. I talk with this former coworker and I'm asking how things are going. She seems happy and cheerful. She seems glad to see me. I also forget that, even though I don't work at that company anymore, I need to not run my mouth about the company or some of the workers. Just because it's not nice and my words could find they're way around the company.

I made my way towards the other end of the table where I talked to my good friend and former coworker as well. I was talking to her and her boyfriend. It was nice.

Towards the end of the night, this is where I had the most tense moment. I don't want to say it was INTENSE, but it was TENSE. The chatty coworker I was talking with earlier in the night grabbed my iPhone from me. She saw I had a "Meetup" app. She was like, "Oh let's see what events you have lined up..." and I got quiet really quick. I'm not the type to act quick and grab the phone away, because then it would attract more unwanted attention. So I payed it no attention and just hoped my phone would lag and she'd get tired of the app to load. She eventually got to the app and she was reading some of the meetup events coming up on the app, then she read "Social Anxiety Busters" and was like "What's that?" I don't think it registered in her head or maybe it didn't, but she got tired of waiting for the app to update and gave me back my phone. I just pretended like I didn't hear her reading off the events on the app, but it caused a tense moment for me.

After that, I did get self-concious but I was able to shake it off and enjoy the rest of the night.

Just Venting (about one of my web projects)

I've been working like crazy this week on projects, yet I feel like I've gotten no where with them. I'm frustrated, because a good amount of time was spent on research and development for a web project that really doesn't pay. I got an up front initial payment when I started this project. I quoted the client a certain amount, because it seemed like a simple website. I thought I'd be able to reuse or buy a wordpress theme template, gut-it, skin-it, and produce the site.

Here's where it got complicated. The sites they referenced where very simple in design, so I made the design simple. The design approval never was stamped and I didn't know where to go with it. The project has gone further away from how it was presented. Instead of one main site, it's more focused towards 3 subsites that have different themes.

At this point, I scrap the whole wordpress theme idea and I build this site from scratch. The client want's a website up and running, yet they haven't provided me with any "complete" content. It's frustrating and annoying. I don't have direct contact with the client. I'm working with my friend, who is the middle-man, and I'm basically ready to jump ship. I haven't invoiced them for any of the work I've done other than the initial deposit. I probably will invoice them once this project is complete, because I no longer want anything to do with this project once it's completed.

And... the best part is that I seemed to have shifted my focus on this project instead of my other project that pays hourly. I know I'm venting and it seems like I'm blaming the client, but I know a lot of issues are with me. Maybe I could of explained things more clearly. Maybe I could of explained what I'm capable of. Maybe I could have directed them towards one path, rather then indulging them with their scattered ideas.

Enough about that... It's time for me to get back on the grind or maybe I'll write another entry can call it a night.

Hiatus

Lately (or maybe just today), I've been wanting to write. A few thing's hinder me from doing so. I'm back home (my parent's house) and I brought my work with me. I've been very productive and my internet is very limited. I'm connected via my iPhone's 3G connection, which lacks reception. I really hate my wireless carrier/provider.

Anyways, I've been wanting to write as I seem to reflect on things and myself whenever I'm back home. I've recorded some vlog's, but haven't had the time to edit and produce it. I've had a few topics I've wanted to write about, but can't find the time except for now. In which I'm using to freewrite and ramble on.

I'm not frustrated with life (just with work), nor am I worried about things as I might have been in recent weeks and months. I'm balanced at the moment.

Hope to be back writing on here soon.

- Josh

Getting My Cold-Sinus-Allergies in Check

Today is the 5th day of battling this Cold/Allergy Sinus Congestion. I don't know why, but I really am confused or unsure if I have a cold or if it's just allergies. Or maybe it's both.

Last week, I was out the entire day spending it with Family at Disneyland. My cousin's kid was getting over an ear infection. It's possible I might have caught the cold from his kid. I was also out in the sun the entire day in a place where there are a lot of people. It was nice and sunny during the day, then it got cold at night. My diet wasn't the healthiest and I was already burnt out during the middle of the day.

It wasn't until Monday night that I had symptoms of a cold. When I went to sleep on Monday night, my throat felt a tad bit weird. It wasn't scratchy or dry, but it felt "weird". The following day, that symptom was more pronounced and the days after I started to have stuffy and runny nose. Chest congestion, phlegm build up, etc. However, I'm not exhibiting thick green phlegm which leads me to believe I don't have any type of bronchitis or chest/cold infection. The weather has changed again and the air has been a bit dry, which makes me feel this is now allergy related.

However, I've been trying to get a lot of rests and the workouts/runs I've squeezed in might have prolonged my recovery. What can I say though, I really need to burn off the calories that I ate last week.

Last night I had Tofu Soup from a Korean Tofu House Restaurant. It helped. Hot & Spicy soup helps my sinus. Tonight, I wanted to be healthy and try to be well rested for tomorrow (I have a SA&Shyness Group Meet Up). I was going to buy Chicken Noodle Soup (Not the canned soup that has tons of sodium), but I really wanted a spicy & sour soup. I went the cheap and unhealthy route and got one of those spicy ramen bowls that have an extremely insane amount of sodium. I bought fresh green onion to add, Orange Juice, and I'm ready to call it a night.

When I was scanning my items at the self-checkout stand (at the Grocery Market), I made the mistake of going to the same machine that always stalls on me. As I was scanning my 5th Item, the machine tells me it can't recognize the following item. A staff member comes by and fixes the machine and I proceed to scan all my items. It got a little intense (5 out of 10) and I felt a little panic. It didn't help that I'm feeling this head/cold/sinus congestion, but I was able to calm my thoughts down and to feel okay with the mishap. I did start feeling warm, but I was able to simmer down. I didn't break out in sweat and I felt confident upon leaving the market. I just wish my cold/allergies weren't as bad, then maybe I'd be able to enjoy this victory a bit more.

Sweet Tooth

I have such a sweet tooth and it's all junk food. It's one thing knowing it and participating in unhealthy habits. However, I just had some sort of moment today. I reflected on a feeling and I actually thought about it.

Today was going to be my "fruit" day where the only thing I ate during the day is fruits (oranges), but that didn't last long. However, my diet's still been pretty healthy. I drink my caffeine (coffee) moderately. One cup per meal, except for dinner. I only add sugar-free creamer. The only sugar that's in my food are organic, meaning they're coming from fruits or something naturally sweet and nothing artificially added.

I bought a bag of mini chocolate chip cookies that were sugar free. It's hard to keep myself away from them, because I have the mindset that "hey they're sugar free". Then I realize that they're nearly 100 calories for 4 mini cookies. They're not filling and they only make you want more.

Now, I was reflecting on what it is that attracts me to these cookies so much. I don't have this craving for fruits, even though it has a good source of "sweets". I also realize that the cookies are still highly processed food.

In hindsight, I shouldn't of bought this bag of chocolate chips. I have the tendency to finish off the bag, but I really don't want to participate in bad habits. It's hard for me to moderately eat them. It's one of those things where, I pop two cookies in and I'm already thinking that I need two more to make it complete, but it never leaves me with a satisfying feeling. Once I'm able to wash out the taste and the sweetness, I'm able to forget about them.

I'm trying to exercise my power and I hope I can. I'm off to brush my teeth to wash the crumbs away.

My Weekend Adventure at Disneyland

My writing isn't that great in this entry. I'm sure a few typo's and grammatical errors will show up. You'll run across sentences where it basically repeats another idea over and over. Or, you could run into a sentence that stops in mid-idea. This entry is more of a freewriting exercise rather than a thought-out entry. I just needed to "release" my thoughts and hope that the new week ahead starts off smoothly.

***

I've been very lazy today. I have days where I have so many thoughts racing that I can't do anything. Then I have other days where I know I have a lot to do, but I'm unwilling to do anything. I'm not sure what it is, but I have a mind-body misconnection or miscommunication. I hate to beat myself up over bad habits, but I also don't want to dismiss my behavior for continuing bad habits. I tried to eat healthy this week. More than anything, my goal was to lower my sugar and caffeine intake. I wish I cold say I was successful, but I wasn't. I tried to hold the fort before the weekend, but I indulged a bit and let loose this saturday. I did every unhealthy mistake imaginable. To keep things short and simple, I was out celebrating a family member's birthday. I had a good time, which I'll mention in a bit, but I let loose. I'm there with family and kids. I had brownies, cinnamon churro's, cafe latte, glowito (Disneyland's Mojito), and a Big Lunch. To top it off, since we didn't really eat dinner. I stopped by a Del Taco to pick up a marcho chicken burrito and french fries. I'll be honest, this meal really fills you up and it is satisfying fast food at it's best. I use to survive on Del Taco during my University Year. The sad truth is, I scarffed down more than 1000 calories in that dinner alone. I don't even want to think about how much calories I had throughout the day and how unhealthy the food was. Yes, I got exercise and walked around, but I just can't help but feel unhealthy and allow myself to feel bad about it.

Now, that's just the heath & fitness portion of my rant. I can't say I really dealt with Social Anxities during my day at Disneyland. Yes, I had anxieties with the planning of everything. I had to make sure I placed reservations for my ticket, that I had the address to my cousin's hotel. I had to find out specifics of where to park, what things I might need to bring, etc. I woke up later than I planned. That wasn't a problem, because I made it to my cousin's hotel in less than half and hour and we were able to get our (mine, my cousin, my cousin's wife, and my cousin's in-law family) tickets that we reserved. Then I met the other cousin's from the in law sides. I really didn't feel any "panic" or anxieties. I mean, I was myself. I was quiet and shy, but I had no anxieties or frustrations feeling that way.

Now that I've described the situation, the day went well but it was a bit chaotic. Trying to have the family members together to be at one place. We had other cousin's coming in late for the day and trying to find a rally point. It's a very big task. I wasn't prepared for that day. Walking and standing all day. I can run a marathon, but a marathon seems like nothing compared to walking and standing all day at Disneyland.

I had no problems talking with the other family members (cousin's in-laws) and I had a blast, but it was hard to hear some criticism. Mainly this one: "You're hard to read, I don't know if you're having a good time or not and I really want you to have a good time." This is something I use to stress about. I remember having a friend, constantly looking at my direction and asking if I was okay and it only made me more self-conscious.

Not that the criticism made me upset, but I thought about it for a moment. It was true. I wasn't expressing any enthusiasm. I couldn't, I felt like a zombie. I woke up at 7 am, when I've been use to waking up at noon. I'm use to having 2 cups of coffee and a visit with the bathroom before starting my day. I only had half a cup of coffee, before I got in my car. I had two brownie pieces for breakfast and had a bad headache during lunch. So, it wasn't that I was having a terrible time. I just had a hard time being overly expressive. I did have a good time and I realize a lot of things. Going to disneyland as a kid is magical. I remember gong as a kid. I loved it. Spending it with my mom and dad. Going on the rides with them. It's amazing. Then going as teenager is different. I remember visiting Disneyland during my senior year of college. First time I planned something that big with my girlfriend at the time. I went to Disneyland again a couple of years ago for my nephew's birthday. Then that's when you realize the changes. My nephew's eyes were wide open and lit up the whole time. I think I enjoyed spending time with my nephew and watching the kids excitement rather than worrying about my own excitement.

I think that's what also happened. During the same time my cousins were worrying I wasn't having a good time. I wanted to make sure they were having a good time and that I went along with whatever rides they wanted to ride.

So that trip happened on Saturday. It's now Monday (1 am) and I do feel better letting all of this out. I was on the couch most of the day. I didn't want to do anything. I need to snap out of this. I have a lot of things I should be doing tomorrow. I need to get my life organized again.

Notes on My Lunch Meet Up

Just wanted to type up a short/long note about today's event. I took the opportunity to meet up with a close (former) coworker and friend of mine. I had lunch with my friend in a busy area without any problems. I had a great time socializing and catching up. I feel comfortable around this person and she's a very attractive woman as well. I wish I could say that I am able to exude this automatic behavior to everyone, but it seems to only happen (automatically) with close friends of mine. I realize how talkative I could be. How I'm able to focus externally, rather than internally. I'm able to pay attention to their body language. How I can reciprocate on a topic or change the subject all together without feeling self-conscious. I'm able to make direct eye contact without feeling like I'm intruding on personal boundaries. I had no feeling's of panic or fear of sweating, especially while eating in front of people.

I did partake in a drink (alcohol) and that's what left me a bit dehydrated and in a "sweat" mode. I had to run around and do some shopping (I need comfortable clothes for Disneyland tomorrow). I went to an Old Navy and shopped. They have spot lights installed on top of the store ceilings all throughout. Walking around and being under those lights made me feel flush. I went into this make-shift dressing area and checked myself out. Even though I felt flush, I wasn't sweating as bad as I thought. I even waited in a long line upon paying and I'm happy to report I didn't feel any panic.

However, I will say I'll try to stay away from drinking alcohol or at least I will do a better job at drinking more water. Even a few hours after my Lunch meet up, I feel very tired and dehydrated.

Writing My Heart Out

PREFACE...
I always find myself explaining or prefacing what I'm going to write as a way of validating myself. Not so much validating myself to others, but to myself (I am my own worst critic/enemy). I'm not a person who goes to sleep and says my prayers at night. I consider myself spiritual or that there is something "bigger" than "myself", but for one reason or another (and I promise it's nothing traumatic) I'm not a big follower or believer in a specific religion. I have moment's where my heart feels heavy, my mind is congested, and I'm nearly brought to my knee's. During these times, I try to explore my thoughts and feelings through writing as a way to cope, recover, heal, and find answers.

In my own process of writing, I try to look within myself to reveal whatever it is that I'm in search for. If not, maybe I end up stumbling upon something profound or a very simple, but none-the-less, insight to myself. During these episodes, moments, or situations I'd like to remind myself, or anyone out there who reads any of my entries, that the majority of what I write involves an attempt to write, explore, and discover what my personal thoughts and feelings are.

ALLOW ME TO PLEASANTLY BEGIN...
I'm back in this all too familiar place with the same feelings again. It's not pleasant. It might not be a dark place, but it's a very slow moving cloud that seems to be encompassing my life. This isn't a direct involvement with Social Anxiety, but it can be a trigger. Everything in my life is connected (Work/Career, Fitness/Health, and Overall Personal Development) and one area affects the other. I try to handle my situation's as best as I can, with whatever tools I have. I try to exercise and flex my knowledge on anything that can help. As always, writing does so much for me. Whether I take it for granted, I can always rely on writing to help whatever it is I'm going through.

Over the course of a month, this seems to be the best way I can describe it: Uncertainty > No Motivation > Work In Progress > Productive > Active > Feelings of Accomplishment > Possible Opportunities Opening Up > Roadblocks > Discouraged > Back to feelings of Uncertainty. My feelings are flirting with frustration and isolation.

Last week I was active. I was being more social and exposing myself to more social environments. This lead to more opportunities for me involving work (career). Success kept building upon small success. The work I put in, is the work I get back in return. I'm not saying that the world is perfect, but if you keep positive and you genuinely work hard, then something has to give.

Things can get tough and apparently I've reached one of those rough patches. When I can't be positive, the only thing I can do is ride the emotions. Towards the end of last week, I felt this slight depressing feeling. I can see where it came from. A week filled with being out in social environments, keeping busy with work and challenging myself wasn't going to keep on going. It was going to slow down and that's what the end of the week did for me. A few things fell apart. I can only speculate and assume things, but I try to remain together and focus on moving onwards. An opportunity (job) that opened has, most likely, closed it's door on me. I'm not mad that it has closed, but I'm frustrated with who might have closed those doors for me.

After that, I'm dealing with my other web projects that aren't going anywhere. One client wants to see something produced, yet won't give a stamp of approval on a design. They want to skip steps, but how can I get from A to Z without going through B, am I right? Yes, I understand what the client wants and I try to anticipate this. I try to stay flexible, but that doesn't mean it's not frustrating.

I feel burnt out as well, which leads me to consume more caffeine than I should. As I've mentioned, one aspect (work, health, personal development) affects the others. If I'm frustrated with work, it affects my health. If I'm frustated with my fitness, it discourages me in my personal development. It's on going and it can be very tiring. However, at the end of the day when I feel like I'm drowning; If I go through with my emotions instead of avoiding them; if I write out my thoughts when my mind is congested, or if I express my feelings when my heart feels heavy... "Things" will happen for me. Whether I regain focus, find a balance, work my problems out... "Things" tend to come through.

Yes, I'm still frustrated. Yes, I still have feelings of uncertainty. I have feelings of isolation, rejection, etc., etc., etc.... I will get through this. I just hate the part that YOU HAVE TO GO THROUGH IT.

Ciao Bella