PREFACE...
I always find myself explaining or prefacing what I'm going to write as a way of validating myself. Not so much validating myself to others, but to myself (I am my own worst critic/enemy). I'm not a person who goes to sleep and says my prayers at night. I consider myself spiritual or that there is something "bigger" than "myself", but for one reason or another (and I promise it's nothing traumatic) I'm not a big follower or believer in a specific religion. I have moment's where my heart feels heavy, my mind is congested, and I'm nearly brought to my knee's. During these times, I try to explore my thoughts and feelings through writing as a way to cope, recover, heal, and find answers.
In my own process of writing, I try to look within myself to reveal whatever it is that I'm in search for. If not, maybe I end up stumbling upon something profound or a very simple, but none-the-less, insight to myself. During these episodes, moments, or situations I'd like to remind myself, or anyone out there who reads any of my entries, that the majority of what I write involves an attempt to write, explore, and discover what my personal thoughts and feelings are.
ALLOW ME TO PLEASANTLY BEGIN...
I'm back in this all too familiar place with the same feelings again. It's not pleasant. It might not be a dark place, but it's a very slow moving cloud that seems to be encompassing my life. This isn't a direct involvement with Social Anxiety, but it can be a trigger. Everything in my life is connected (Work/Career, Fitness/Health, and Overall Personal Development) and one area affects the other. I try to handle my situation's as best as I can, with whatever tools I have. I try to exercise and flex my knowledge on anything that can help. As always, writing does so much for me. Whether I take it for granted, I can always rely on writing to help whatever it is I'm going through.
Over the course of a month, this seems to be the best way I can describe it: Uncertainty > No Motivation > Work In Progress > Productive > Active > Feelings of Accomplishment > Possible Opportunities Opening Up > Roadblocks > Discouraged > Back to feelings of Uncertainty. My feelings are flirting with frustration and isolation.
Last week I was active. I was being more social and exposing myself to more social environments. This lead to more opportunities for me involving work (career). Success kept building upon small success. The work I put in, is the work I get back in return. I'm not saying that the world is perfect, but if you keep positive and you genuinely work hard, then something has to give.
Things can get tough and apparently I've reached one of those rough patches. When I can't be positive, the only thing I can do is ride the emotions. Towards the end of last week, I felt this slight depressing feeling. I can see where it came from. A week filled with being out in social environments, keeping busy with work and challenging myself wasn't going to keep on going. It was going to slow down and that's what the end of the week did for me. A few things fell apart. I can only speculate and assume things, but I try to remain together and focus on moving onwards. An opportunity (job) that opened has, most likely, closed it's door on me. I'm not mad that it has closed, but I'm frustrated with who might have closed those doors for me.
After that, I'm dealing with my other web projects that aren't going anywhere. One client wants to see something produced, yet won't give a stamp of approval on a design. They want to skip steps, but how can I get from A to Z without going through B, am I right? Yes, I understand what the client wants and I try to anticipate this. I try to stay flexible, but that doesn't mean it's not frustrating.
I feel burnt out as well, which leads me to consume more caffeine than I should. As I've mentioned, one aspect (work, health, personal development) affects the others. If I'm frustrated with work, it affects my health. If I'm frustated with my fitness, it discourages me in my personal development. It's on going and it can be very tiring. However, at the end of the day when I feel like I'm drowning; If I go through with my emotions instead of avoiding them; if I write out my thoughts when my mind is congested, or if I express my feelings when my heart feels heavy... "Things" will happen for me. Whether I regain focus, find a balance, work my problems out... "Things" tend to come through.
Yes, I'm still frustrated. Yes, I still have feelings of uncertainty. I have feelings of isolation, rejection, etc., etc., etc.... I will get through this. I just hate the part that YOU HAVE TO GO THROUGH IT.
Ciao Bella
Since I've been reading your blogs I can see that you have been putting forth tremendous effort. You can pat yourself on the back for that. And progress has definitely been made. In life there will always be trial and error necessary for growth. And don't worry about doors being closed, know that when one door closes another one opens. And with this thing we go through holds many frustrations not to mention lifes challenges itself. I hate going through difficult stuff too, but we have the opportunity to go through it, if we want to get the the other side.
ReplyDelete@nema - Thank you for your comment. I have been putting effort and I'm glad it's recognized (from someone else other than me) I still have days/weeks where it slows down or I feel horrible, but I'm persistent. I appreciate your comment and support.
ReplyDeleteHey Josh, sorry to hear that things have been frustrating lately. Hopefully since you've written this you've been feeling better. Good job for exposing yourself to more social environments though, and hang in there! It sounds like this is just a rough time, things will get better.
ReplyDelete