Sunday, November 27, 2011

Holiday (Thanksgiving) Recap


This Holiday (Thanksgiving) weekend has been eventful to say the least. I've gone from being excited during the drive home, to feeling extremely unnerved and trapped. As much as I should of been writing thoughts out, I could not get myself to do so. I spent it eating and watching tv, browsing the internet, and watching youtube clips until i knocked out on the dining table.

It was hard at first to explain why I was growing irritated and annoy. It's easy for me to take it out on the people that are close to me and they don't deserve the brunt of it, yet I keep things under lock and key when it's around people I hardly know or don't feel comfortable (as in talking freely to) with.

My thoughts about what was bothering me would drift in and out. I would have flash of moments of knowing what would trigger me, but I sensed there was something deeper or that it had to be building. Maybe it was the onslaught of attention I got during Thanksgiving.

I arrived late for Thanksgiving Lunch. It was held at my aunt's house. I didn't want' to arrive early, but I deserved the rimming for arriving late. My "joker" uncle who I get along well with went at me early. Right when My father and I entered through the door, I held the door open so that my father would lead. All eyes were already on us and I walked behind my father as if he were my shield. Yet, I couldn't escape the barbs and jabs that my uncle was throwing. My apeptite was lost and my body temperature shot up. The room was warm, which I can only imagine it was from the large amount of family and the cooking that took place in the kitchen. I wasn't in a talkative or jokative mood. I was fine after I made a visit to the bathroom to splash some water off of me and to take off my light jacket. I found a seat and made my way into it as if I was trying to hide and be tucked into a crevice. My name was called as they kept telling me to get food. I grabbed food, but I wasn't hungry. I sat with my cousins on my moms side of the family and talked with them. The food wasn't too great, but the family exerpience wasn't bad. Later on that night, my friend invited me to go have thanksgiving at my cousins house. My friend was also having his baby shower there. I said I would go, but I literally had the "shakes". I was anxious and nervous about going. Even thought it was my cousins house, it was filled with aunts and uncles of my friend. I didn't really know anyone personally and they probably remember me as that short chubby kid.

I make my way, greet my friend. They offer me a shot of vodka and I happily take it. I give my gift (a very generous gift, because he is my childhood friend) and I get settled in. They tell me to go eat and grab a plate inside, but I just finished eating hours ago. Then I get the jokes about being single. My cousin is already drunk and is harping on me. They joke with me saying, come inside... there's a lot of girls and we'll announce that you're single. It was all in good fun and jokes, but they literally did what they said they would. I go in with them, they make an announcement that I'm single and available. I was under the spotlight as usual. I put on a smile as all eyes were on me. I got to see my nephews and niece who are so big now. I got to see my friend's nephews and niece who are so big now. In all honestly, I think I can tell my friends nieces were all eyeing me... but its hard to take that seriously after being announced in such a way and not to mention that I still view them as the small kids I grew up with as a teenager. Not to mention, they're all taken.. but none-the-less I could tell they were eyeing me, staring and smiling.

After that round, I head out towards the garage area to drink and talk sh*t with the boys. That's when I get piled on. My cousin does the whole schpill on .. man you're thirty? okay, i just want to make sure nothing's wrong with you like your cousin "so and so" and that your okay. My friend tries to back me up by saying... hey he's single and good looking, he's still enjoying the field. Then my cousin tells me it's time I need to settle down. I tell him that I'm okay and that I look forward to settling down by 35 (which is a lie). It's werid..because.. I assume they think the world is my oyster, yet I'm crippled when it comes to talking and meeting women of my age. I don't try to kick or play games. I'm geniune when it comes to conversation and I try to treat everyone with a geniune style. If I come off snobby, it's because I'm intimidated or extremely shy. And if it looks like I only talk to a certain crowd, it's probably because they're the only ones I feel comfortable with and I cling on for dear life hoping they won't leave me alone in a corner.

So I did have a good time that night, but the day after... I think all those barbs and jokes I took to the head kind of got to me. Then things piled on more. I was suppose to meet up with a friend that night. I really do understand that everyone's busy and everyone else has familes to be with. However, I can't help but feel... feel "bad" about certain things. Usually when I hear from friends saying "oh we need to hang out, please we need to" I do make time for them. All they have to do is hit me up when I tell them I'm in town. So this and that happens and then I follow up to see if things are going down still and... Well it doesn't and understanably so. However, that doesn't dismiss the fact that I feel like... "oh okay.. i guess" and I know that I won't get hit up again and I'll probably get hit up a month later like nothing happened and I'll hear the same sentiments about meeting up. As much as I'll play it off, it does bug me.

I think that triggered a lot of things for me. Then my sister and brother in law made it into town. I was very accomodating at first, helping prepare dinner... then..  I get annoyed for some reason. I started making passive aggressive comments. My sister made a coment about this commercial where she saw a cool handle bar mustache. So I blurted out.. ohh.. so you're cool with that, but when I grew mine out you talked sh*t about it. Then she saw soemthing about the "Kindle Fire" and I kind of went off on that. I told her that I asked her what she thought about it and she said she rather have boots.. and now she's saying she wants one? Stuff like that bothers me, because I was planning on getting that for her as a christmas gift, but she makes it difficult. She'll either tell me I can get her "this" gift then have her fiance buy the gift for her.

So the next day... a lot of that "black cloud" feeling wouldn't go away. I jsut felt more and more irritated. My mom made a joke to my sister that she was going to accompany me to do shopping, because I had no girlfriend to go with. I literally felt upset. I didn't want to go anymore. I sort of threw a fit about it. I went to go walk and came back and my mom still wanted to go. I just felt pissy and I sort of did take it out on my sister, because she said she wanted to go the day before... and now she didn't want to.

So... they take off yesterday, and I end up overeating when I get back from a day of shopping. I never hear back from my friend who canceled on me and I cancel on my friend who invited me to go see a movie. I avoid writing and I allow myself to sulk in this negative feeling. This morning, I was suppose to be on a conference call, but... it got delayed and will be working tonight.

I decided to workout and I faced a lot of thoughts during that workout. I had these thoughts or resentment towards another cousin. I'm sure if he's drunk, he'd harp on me also about being single. I had these thoughts of where I would raise my voice back at them and tell them.. "where were u guys when I needed you guys the most... You guys abondoned me during my high school year leaving me with no one" and then i started to think about that... I'm thinking "that's why I have a hard time hanging out with groups of people and I only work well with smaller groups." I just feel so jaded soemtimes. I feel so "left on the side of the road" yet... when I have the opportunity to be on the fast lane... I'll avoid it.

So.. it's like... yes there could be outside factors that made me feel socially inept and inadequate, but when it comes down to it... I'm as responsible for moving on and developing from it.

So .. those are my thoughts today... as I get ready and pack my belongings for my drive back to my apartment.

Happy Holidays

Monday, November 21, 2011

Squeezing in Time for Freewriting


It's been a long time since I've sat down in a quiet space. Allowing myself to freely think and self-reflect. The month's just go by fast for me. My half-marathon training is over and I'm sad to say that I've stopped working out. It all hit me at once. After completing my marathon and dealing with leg camps and dehydration. I was swamped with work, working late night hours for a web release. With the amount of hours at work and the amount of hours at sleep, compounded by the stress and tension in the work environment... I was bound to get sick and I did. I caught the bug that was floating around the office. I'm better now, but I have this lingering cough and slight chest congestion. I haven't ran in two weeks now. I actually did run the other week, but one time out of the whole week doesn't really count. I've been eating out for lunch and the late hours at work keep for a very unstable and bad forming habit.

I want to change all that. I finally worked out this weekend.  No freelancing, no crazy weekend work hours. I grabbed too much sleep on Saturday and felt a bit out of place. I had this thought in my head how I always put a smile on my face and somehow feel like I pretend to be happy, when the truth is... especially that day... I felt like crap. I felt out of my zone. I felt out of my comfort zone and I didn't know what to do to get it back. I've been unhappy about any weight gain I might have accrued. I'm unhappy with just feeling unhealthy.

It took me awhile, but I did workout on Saturday. I focused on strength training. I slept great on Saturday. I woke up with just the right amount of sleep and I did nothing but watch football all day. I worked out again focusing on strength training (with my legs this time). Tomorrow I plan to wake up bright and early to go for a nice easy jog. It won't be easy, but I'll take it a slower pace. Hopefully it doesn't rain, because I know that wil deter me from running.

So that's where I'm at. I work Wednesday night for a special web release, so I'm not sure when I'll be taking off on Thanksgiving for my parents house. I'll probably miss Thanksgiving Lunch, but make it for Thanksgiving leftovers and have it for dinner. My best-friend will be in town. Hopeful I'll get to meet up with him and catch up on stuff.

The holidays are here. I never really enjoy them, but I'm fortunate to have a much more stable financial situation this year. I can feel good about spending and even give out ifts this year. I only give out gifts to those that are close to me.

Anyways.... that's where I'm at... physically, mentally, and... spiritually I guess.

Till next time.... Happy Holidays!

Wednesday, November 16, 2011

I Miss...

... Writing.

At times it's my worse enemy, because I'm left alone with my thoughts. However, at times I miss it dearly.  Why? Because it means I don't get enough time to myself. I haven't had time to self-reflect on things. On life. On my life. On how I'm making progress and how I feel about being 30. I need to make time in the near future, but until then... I'll be busy working.