5 Minute Freewriting #8

I woke up this morning very agitated or annoyed. I'm a bit tired, my eyes hurt, and I feel achy. You know the feeling of where you're stilling on a stool with no backsupport hunched over a laptop, and your body just feels annoyed after ten minutes of that position? Well yah, that's my morning. I went to sleep with my room "unresolved". I started cleaning up things in my room and never got around to finishing it. I have laundry that I just dumped somewhere. The clothes need to be folded. I have folded clothes that need to be put away. I have a lot of boxes or things that are taking up uncessary space. I have things I can throwout. I have clothes I could probably sort out for donation. I just need to get a control or a handle of things. 

I tend to lose focus when I allow distractions to take place. My daily distractions are waking up in the morning and watching the Dan Patrick show. Later on in the day I'll listen to the Howard Stern Show and I can't do anything without it playing. However, this freewriting is done without any ditractions and its helping me clear my mind. My eyes are closed, no television is on. I just hear ambient noise and peaceful noises from outside. I need to get things in order. I need to get serious about certain things. Whether I want to pursue and get serious about being a freelance designer and starting up my own small business or caving in and working a sa freelancer for an agency. Either way, I need to "do something" rather then spend the next month doing nothing and burning money.

I finally did more financial organizing and I feel better. I got a loan payed back to me and I have been able to put that in my savings. Im afraid I won't get to contribute to my ROTH IRA which I know is bad. I should be dong it every year. Last year I didn't get to contribute because....

** end of 5 minutes **

(continued freewriting)

... I was saving money to give me some reassurance for quitting my "corporate" job. I seem to be back on track and I'd love to contribute, but I don't think I can contribute this year unless I work a steady job. It does bum me out, because I've been good at contributing in past years and have done pretty well with my retirement savings. I think about debt I need to pay off. I know I'm not in financial debt like many people are in, but I still have debt and it bugs me when I can't pay things off or pay things in an orderly manner. Some month's I might have to pay less of what I had intended for my monthly payments. I have about 2 years or so left of car payments. I have my car insurance renewing itself in anary and I'm afraid my monthly preimium will go up due to my latest speeding ticket. I couldnt clear it up because I got a previous ticket within 12 months barring me from taking traffic school.

Sometimes I don't know where I'm spending my money, but yet I havent looked at the data to figure it out. I know I could manage things better, but I allow myself to be distracted most of the time.

My mind gets cleared when I'm out of my room, but somethinmes when I step back into my room, I allow myself to get cluttered again. That's why I really need to clean up yroom. I feel a bit selfish at times, since Christmas is coming up. I use to be in such a giving mood in years past. But now, I feel like I can't afford to get gifts for everyone. I hate leaving people out, so I don't even bother picking out gifts for the younger  relatives. I just give out cash, but then I hate doing that at times. I have certain nieces and newphews that are picky and I avoid them. If I were to give them cash, I'd be afraid they'd say "it's to little" out in public. Then I also hate the fact of giving gifts and having people open it right in front of me. I rather have them open it when they're away so that I don't have to deal with there disappointment or "fake" enthusiasm. I knwo that's negative thinking, but it's thinkign I've developed over the eyar. I somehow believe that whatever I give to people that they won't like it. I'm very... I don't know the right word to use, but I'm "soooo" that way.

Okay... I'll end the rant right now as I look out of my sliding door and seeing how sunny it is outside. I think I'll walk my dog today. It's been awhile :)

5 Minute Freewriting #7

I made it through safely from my commute back to my apartment last night. The traffic was horrible. I thought I dodged the Thanksgiving Day Weekend traffic, but there was an accident incident that backed up the freeway. It took me an hour extra to get back to my apartment. So instead of being home in 3 hours, I was home in 4 hours.

I fell back to the same habits, bad habits, when I got home. First, I was busy because I was still trying to finish some updates for this web project I'm working on. I had to call the client and catch up on things. There's trouble with an FTP site/account and that still is the case this morning. I was frustrated last night, but I got all the files prep'd and ready to go. I'm pretty much well prepared, but just on nerves because "shit" is still not going right and it's out of my control. I put this imaginary pressure on myself on things I have no control of. However, I do feel good that I've taken measures to help things move along once things get going. Notified the correct people to work on the problem....

I fell in to bad habits shortly after that. I popped in a DVD on my desktop and then simultaneously watched... browsed the internet. I didn't bother to write last night.. but I ended up going to sleep really late. After spending useless time browsing on useless stuff and watching a few episodes of Boardwalk Empire... I finally worked on my finances. I feel more better, a little squared off and well planned. I just have to drop off the checks today. They need to be deposited.

Preparation is everything. It's a lot of things. I don't know how some people can wing things and be ok. I'm the type of person......


**end of 5-minute**

(continued freewriting)
... who needs to plan things out, put work into "it", and be prepared as much as possible. However, with that type of approach... I can easily get frustrated and sabotage my plans. If for some reason, thing's don't go according to plan and I'm not able to easily adapt to the situation... I tend to scrap the whole objective and will either (1)Restart the process from the beginning (2) or give up and try to move onto something else

No matter how you put it though... You have to put the work in and this can be applied to anything. To be good (or even great) at something... It all begins with the prep work. Put in work and execute. That's the only way you'll get better. That's the only way you'll learn by making mistakes along the way. You just have to keep putting in work.

Even though I fall into bad habits, I still keep working on it. Even though I fall into bad eating habits or bouts of inactiving (no working out for a month), I keep at it and start small. We tend to focus on the negative aspects that throw us off our path, but once we get through it... the work we put in seems to be rewarding once that becomes the focus.

The movie I watched last night was "A Single Man". I knew it got a few Emmy nods last year and that it's a good movie. I really didn't know what it was about. Maybe I'll write a review on it later, but I really did like the movie.... even though I did not know the background story of it. However, it is a good movie and it has a great story to it.

I'm ending this rant as I beging my second part of the day (lunch time).

5 Minute Freewriting #6

The weather can have such a big effect on your mood. It's really cold out here where my parents live. It's weird, because I've been use to the 60-70 degree weather in Sunny Southern California, that I forget the cold winters here in the Central part of california. Yesterday morning, I decided that it would be my day to "detox" myself from all the post thanksgiving day left overs, sweets, and pastries I've munched on. I started the day off with decaf coffee and some oatmeal. I also got my fitness in. I did 30 minutes of cardio. I did 3 rounds of jump rope exercises. I did 10 minutes of slow to medium pace jump rope exercises. 1 minute break doing pushups and prisoner squats. Followed with 1 minute of higher intensity Jump Rope intervals. A good 30 minutes of sweat.

Afterwards, my mom and I went to one of the local asian markets here. It's an asian slash mexican market. We bought some stuff for this soup based dish we were planning for dinner. Then she bought a lot of sweet bread pastries. I couldn't help but munch on them. After being sunny earlier in the day, it started to rain and the skies were now gray. It kind of put a damper on things. I was going to do another 30 minute workout before dinner, but decided not to. Luckily I didn't load up on rice and just had the soup dish. I guess I was tired, because I fell asleep on the couch shortly after. I woke up at around 10 pm, caught a few emails on my phone and it got me "revd" up....

**end of 5 minutes**

(continuing my freewriting)
I got an email from someone at work and they were just following up with me and seeing if I'd be able to make the updates and have the website changes live by Monday. I still have plenty of time, but it freaked me out. I just like to have a grasp of things so I decided to start working on it. I completed the changes, but I have a lot of "quality assurance" to do. Basically, I just have to proof read a lot of the changes made and then upload the website changes.

I forgot to mention, but I do feel better about my "finances". I know how stressing and frustrated I get when I go on weeks and month's without getting any of my invoices paid in full. My client has been keeping me up to date and informed me that I will get one invoice this week coming up and the other the following week. It makes me feel good, because then I can look forward to my normal financial planning.

Taxes this year is going to be a headache for me. Why? There are a lot of things I need to do differently. A lot of the stuff I'll be filing will involve Sole Proprietor work (freelancing) and I'll most likely go to a CPA for this stuff.

The other night, I actually started to write an entry that dealt with the previous freewriting. However, when I tried making it in a structured format... I seem to have gotten lost with other ideas. I didn't know which direction to take it. I didn't know if I wanted to make it deal with "relationships" or deal with the topic of "crying". I'll probably get back to it and finish it, but I just didn't know where to go with it and so I went to sleep shortly after starting it.

I started to think about significant times when I remember crying and how I haven't cried as much or often over the past years as an adult. I cried over break-ups and being broken hearted. I've cried over my Grandmothers health and her passing. I've cried over my aunt's passing. I've cried over a "situation" that happened during my cousin's wedding. Then after those significant events I seem to have been void or just felt numb to a lot of things. I think I attributed being "numb" to just working a regular 9 to 5. I remember thinking that somehow or someway that it would find it's way to release itself. And that's why I think or I feel Social Anxiety crept up on me. After going years of just not feeling anything, feeling apathetic, worrying about being single.... Social Anxiety crept on me. It became noticeable to me when I would wait in line at the groceries or at a department store. This was nothing I ever had to worry about before, but it started to happen often. I would be waiting in line and I would break out in sweat. I would start to worry and have panic feelings. Once I would start sweating, I would think that the cashier was thinking I looked suspicious. I started to think they thought I was stealing something. I knew the thoughts were irrational, but I couldn't stop the flooding of thoughts. When that happened often, that's when I started looking into shyness, sweating, and anxiety.

After a full year of learning about SA and claiming to have SA symptoms.... I do feel I've made progress and I would like to make more. For me it's not just about "Overcoming SA". It's really more about being a better person everyday, every month, every year. I just want to strive to be a better developed person. Whether it deals with Social Anxiety, Social Skills, being a gentleman, having charm, or whatever... I would like to continue and gradually improve on skills I do have.

With that being said. I will end, what started as a 5 minute freewriting exercise, my 20+ minute rant. Good night or good morning.

5 Minute Freewriting #5

I haven't been able to write or participate in this exercise for a while. I finally got an internet connection going here... I'm back home at my parents house. I have the t.v. on playing, a college football game, and in the other room, a television Filipino Network, is going on while my dad is in the kitchen. I have a lot of distractions happening while I type this, but I'm trying to stay focused on anything that seems to be relevant.

I overate and still continue to overeat during this Thanksgiving Day week. I did okay initially. I ran a lot of miles yesterday, but also ate tons of food. Today I ate tons of food. I'm talking about "feeling fuuuuuullllllll" type of eating. However, I'm okay with it. I'm not letting it frustrate or annoy me. I don't know if it's because I'm allowing distractions to takeover or, because I allowed myself to be "okay" knowing it is (or was) Thanksgiving Day. I know it will be hard to get back into "workout" mode, but I'll have my attempts tomorrow. I want to do more writing tonight, but I'll see how it goes. I actually tried going deep into old "thoughts" and seeing if I could get in touch with the old feelings I use to have. It was an interesting experience. I couldn't sleep so I tried reliving memories I had throughout my younger years from High School and College. It was interesting and that also leads me to thinking about the Winter Holidays. I haven't been a big fan of the Holidays for a long time now. Not to mention, they use to be very depressing for me. Very dark, just because I spent a lot of holidays being "broken hearted" and it's weird for me to reveal this. Last time I wrote so freely was in an actual journal. Even though I publish this to a public blog site... I have anonymity and I feel okay...

5 Minute Freewriting #4

I need to stop with these insomniac internet browsing habits I have. Two days in a row... I stayed up past 4 am. This time, I kept my eyes opn even though my eyes hurt. I just didn't want to sleep. I spent a good amount of time being productive on somewhat useless things. I produced a vlog (video blog) and did some writing but on another blog type site.

I vented out about Thanksgiving Day. and How I dread (at times) the stress and anxiety it brings. The family gatherings and the ONE BIG topic that I get hammered with... I hate being asked about my "status". I hate being asked if I'm still single. I hate being told that I should be married already or that I should have kids. I do a good job of laughing it off, but it really gets to me at times and I'm not sure how this year will be handled. I plan on drinking, but eh.. it's going to kill my health conscious lifestyle. I've somewhat already sabotage it this week. I need to do some running or some type of workout to make me feel like I'm burning some calories, because I feel like I've been eating too much lately.

I had a weir dream this morning. I hardly remember my dreams but I remember my older cousin was in it. It reminded me of high school or how I always looked up to him. I don't remember much about the dream, except for.... it dealing with food. I have the television playing in the background, so .....

5 Minute Freewriting #3

I'm ending my day/night, which is in the early morning with my time spent collecting my thoughts. I've been busy and quite productive today. I'm not sure in what aspect, but in thinking, and verbally and comprehensively expressing myself… I'd say I've been very productive. I've been able two work more of my frustrations out in the last 4 hours than the entire past weeks.

I'm easily distracted or I've been allowing myself to be distracted during the past few weeks. It wasn't fun. It took me awhile to finally realize and recognized what I've been doing. Self-sabotage. I allow one small thing to effect my emotions and I crumble. I take part in self sabotage.

Finances. I'm pretty secure where I'm currently standing, but living paycheck to paycheck is still no fun. I have income waiting to be received, yet living as a freelance web designer is still "trying". I have to send out another email to my one and only main client that I haven't received payment for one invoice which is nearly 2 months old now and that another invoice is due soon. I get frustrated. I do see how my emotions and actions are affected/effected. I can be in a good mood when I get paid and I'm more motivated. When weeks and even a month pass and I get no paycheck.. My mood is in deep doo doo. I tend to be in seclusion and I won't go out and I'm unmotivated to train or workout.

Writing and venting has slowly but surely helped me work through my issues. Through my frustration and through my… through my mind. I don't know where I was going with that, but it just helps to type freely and express whatever comes to mind or whatever or wherever my mind is taking me. I've been sleeping at really late hours lately. I've also been ……

What Happened to My Charisma?

Tonight I followed a tweet that caught my eye: "The Secret of Bill Clinton's Charisma"

It lead me to an article, How It Works: Clinton's "Reality Distortion Field" Charisma, written by Tim Ferriss that I found fascinating. Before I go on and write about this topic, let me preface this article by saying I have somewhat of a "man crush" for Bill Clinton. What I mean by that is, he is a person that has certain qualities that I'd love to have or develop. Back to what I was saying, this article was very fascinating. It list 3 main tips for a guy to develop these gentlemen-like skills.



1. Practice Brief Eye Contact with Strangers
Being a person who struggles with social anxiety, at times, that this can be daunting. I have my off days, and I have my days where it seems to happen organically. I'm able to do this on my running route. I'll come across lovely ladies and for a brief moment, eye contact is made. A feeling of "acknowledgement" is made and I continue with the run without feeling like I came across as a creep.

2. Learn the Art of Personal Space
In my "college" and early "workplace" years, this somewhat came naturally to me. I respected everyone's space and I'm able to read everyone's body language pretty well. Only problem I have is that I become to self-conscious and freak out about how I might come off to other people. However, in most cases, I know how to give a person a pat on the back, when to give a hug, when to hand shake, when to rub elbows, and when to give personal space and not invade theres.

3. Practice Being Present
This is a very important point that the article points out. I'm guilty of "not being present" at times, especially when I'm occupied with social anxiety. When talking with a person, you do need to be "present". Show interest and be "involved" in the moment that is being shared.

Here's something that the article pointed out: "Three minutes of staring into someone’s eyes tells you more about them than ten minutes of talking."

I find this to be very true. While reading the entire article, I found myself searching for Bill Clinton Interviews. I spent a good hour just watching the man talk. Whether you hate or love him, he has a certain charisma. He knows how relate with you or to make you feel at ease.

Reading articles like this reminds me of the younger person I use to be and the personality I think I still have. I know I've been hidden for awhile, but I also know I do have certain qualities that people either relate to or are attracted to. The only problem with me is that I don't expose myself enough to the outside world. It's hard, but it's (I am) a work in progress.

A Former Coworker's Birthday Event

*I originally wrote this topic a couple of weeks ago. It involved my anxieties, apathy, and guilt on my decision to not attend a Birthday event.

A friend, former coworker, of mine had her Birthday Party earlier this month. She mentioned the event back in early October. She gave me a few options, one being that I attend a night club. I told her I'd make it to the club party, but I knew I had no motivation or intentions on following through. There are a lot of reasons as to why I didn't push myself. When it comes down to it, I just didn't want to go. I didn't want to force myself to go, and I didn't want to make myself feel guilty.

I laid low in the previous month's not really thinking about it. I was fine and I thought I'd be okay with "not" showing up. It's funny how something small can trigger something big in your head. A former coworker, someone who I was close with, mentioned something on FaceBook saying, "Hey I better see you at the event.." followed with another former coworker "liking" the comment. At that moment—and maybe I do know why, but I'll say I don't know why—but I was heavily reading into the comment. I eventually started to beat myself up. I placed a lot of guilt on me for my actions, yet I still had no plans to attend the function. As a result, I deactivated my FaceBook account shortly after the Birthday Event happened. I've been using the excuse, "I need to be more productive rather than always browsing facebook every minute" as a reason of my sudden FaceBook activity. When I think about it, it's very minuscule yet I'm very affected by the power of "Social Networking".

When I dig deeper into my reactions, I know the reason for my actions are resulted from the fear and anxieties I harbored. I was apprehensive about seeing any comments towards me, whether neutral or non-threatening.

Looking back at my reaction and the entire event, maybe I should of handled my emotions differently. I don't think I would of changed my "choice" but I know I could of managed my thoughts and emotions better. The said friend's birthday event was to celebrate her 30th birthday. She wanted me to be part of it and I overlooked that aspect of her invitation. I know I should feel good or fortunate that she feels I'm a  person she wanted to share a celebration with. However, when you're in the moment like I was, you can only think about yourself and the struggles that you feel. You can only think about your thoughts, your feelings, your emotions, and can't help be selfish in that respect. Driving into a big and lively city induces anxiety for me. I start to sweat from the drive leaving my comfort level low. I also fear the risk I take when using "alcohol" as a crutch. Past experiences have revealed that I've been quite careless with the substance and the thought of making a fool of myself can be unbearable. 

After that ordeal and thinking about it in that point of view, I focused on trying to NOT beat myself up over it. I think opening up about it helps, but I don't know what to think, what to say, or how to react. I've gone to big events, like my friends wedding, but maybe I was able to go to that event because I knew I'd be taken care of. Meaning, I knew I'd be able to stay at a friends place if I drank too much.

That is or this is my standstill. I know my faults, I realize them and I acknowledge them, yet I'm prone to making the same mistakes. I want to make progress, but I find myself not wanting to put in the work. I'm struggling, but I'm really trying. Being stuck in this position or predicament isn't fun. It can all go downhill in a big snowball effect. I think I've encountered and suffered through it. It shows in my unhealthy eating habits, mood, inactivity, and habit of allowing distractions to take over my daily production.

I've come to understand that anxiety is a part of life and it will always be there. If you think about it, it is something that reminds us we're alive. The only problem one faces is if we let it control us.

Having an episode like this reminds me that setbacks are useful. You might think that having no progress is better than having a setback, but I tend to think otherwise. When no progress is made or attempted, you don't learn anything. When a setback occurs, you have to view it as a form of progress. You realize the progress you have made and what progress you need to make in order to keep things going. Bad habits die hard and that's why it's important to develop good ones.

With all that being said, this is what I have to say to myself: GET UP. GET GOING. START LIVING.

5 Minute Freewriting #2

Emotional emtional. Emotional wreck. Emotional distress. Emotional eater. Emotioinal person. Emotional sensitivity. I can't help but feel like an emotional wreck. I can't say I'm emotional as in on the verge of tears, but I feel frustrated with my emotions. After a stint of writing last night and reading and getting things off of my chest. I woke up to a different tune. I woke up late in the day and I woke up in good spirits. I ate eggs, bacon, and toped it off with salsa. I ate or snacked on some carbs/bread shortly after. I took a shower and I thought I'd take my dog for a walk. It would also help me get fresh air after being cramped in my room for the whole week. Something set me off today. It changed the tone on everything. My mood had changed within seconds.
I went into the mail room to get the mail. I did not receive a piece of mail I  was expecting. I know the possibility of me receiving this piece of mail was not likely.... I just had expectations. It was my paycheck. A paycheck that's a few month's overdue. I've brought it up to my client and nothing has been responded to. I'm frsustrated. I allowed this to meld into my current mindset. I'm confused. I'm not making sense here nor am I typing correctly.

I becme an emotional eater shortly after. I just started eating. I know I was doing that to help me cope and feel better about the situation. I just started eating and I ended up skipping my workout. I'm trying to get it going because I would like to get my workout on. I would like to get back on a healthy and fit and productive vibe. I'm allowing distractions to take over me. I have my mac computer on playing an old boxing fight, and I have the lights on and I'm exposed to everything. I'm exposed to anything. I'm.... trying hard to not hold anything back...

My Struggle with Writing as a form of Therapy

It's been a solid month since I've last approached any of my social anxiety thoughts & feelings. In more ways than one—involving ability to cope, deal, and manage my anxieties—my gradual inactivity has affected different aspects of my life, whether it's direct or indirect. I keep allowing distractions to occupy my head and I'm avoiding my problems. I need better ways of managing these type of situations, better ways of finding useful and healthy distractions. I need to workout my thoughts and figure out what problem I'm avoiding. I live day by day feeling okay, which is fine. However, there is no substantial progress towards overcoming my problem (anxieties, stress, and fear). This course of action or reaction is what annoys, frustrates, and consumes me during my time of struggle.

From previous experiences, I've been able to develop plans and take actions that help me deal with my anxieties. During the process, subconsciously, I'm able to tell myself that I'm doing okay and I end up easing off my cognitive behavioral therapy. I tend to follow this yo-yo cycle. I'll start strong by being able to review lessons I've learned. Instead of continuing and pushing myself when I feel the progress, I stop to only restart the process whenever I feel I'm back in the dumps.

Am I sick of this cycle?
Somehow I feel the word "sick" is too strong of a word. If I was sick of something, I would have a sense of urgency. Urgency is something I seem to lack and I'm frustrated with myself more than anything. I've noticed that when I stop writing, when I stop venting out my thoughts, when I realize I've consciously decided to do nothing that the outcome comes back to haunt me.

Why do I stop?
This is another habit I need to break. There comes a point in the process where it becomes hard for me. The task itself is not hard, but the process fails to engage me. Instead of pushing myself, I tend to go on auto-pilot. In previous months, I've done well with keeping a journal of some sort. At one point, for 2 or 3 month's straight, I wrote daily about my sleep habits, quality of sleep, observations, exposure, and progress. Surely enough, it somehow feels like chore and I talk myself out of participating. My focus gets shifted elsewhere and I'm now seeing that the unresolved thoughts linger around.  These thoughts or feelings could be rationalized through writing.

My Experience with Writing in a Journal
I kept a journal—a physical leather bound journal—when I attended college. It recorded many of my experiences, emotions, thoughts, and goals I wanted to accomplish. I wrote about my fitness. I wrote about my weight loss. I wrote about my goals and, oddly enough, it kept me motivated and determined to follow through with my plans.  However, I had my moments of falling for the same traps. I would go on a cycle of having great workouts and good eating habits. On days where I would get on a scale and have unsatisfactory results—even when body measurements show significant progress—I would get disappointed, disparaged and frustrated. This would result in my own self-destructive behaviors of beating myself up, over-indulging in junk food, and putting stops towards my workouts.

In very recent events, I succumb to the same cycle mentioned above during my half marathon training. I did a bad job of balancing focus, time, and effort. Either I tried to do too many things with little time or I did nothing with too much time.  Finding a reasonable balance is another aspect in my life I struggle with.

5 Minute Freewriting #1

My eyes are closed and my fingers close to the keyboard. I'm typing out my thoughts in this five minute exercise. I don't have a general direction of where to go or what I'm doing. I'm just winging it.

Today was gloomy after being sunny the whole week. I was up late last night, really late. I woke up in a "tired" mood and I had bouts of feeling unmotivated. I decided to weigh myself and I saw that my weight was up a pound from Wednesday, but down a pound overall from last week. That probably played a part in how I felt and how I  looked to food (for comfort). I did indulge or overate a bit. I'm an emotional eater.

I skipped working out. I felt crummy, but I feel better. I caught my friend online and we did a quick video chat and talked about random stuff. I felt better after that, and I realized how isolated I am. After quitting the "corporate" scene and working as a freelancer... I'm very limited to outside contact. It is a blessing and a curse. I don't have to deal with office stress, but I deal with other stress none the less. I use to be afraid of my anxieties when going out, but now I know I lack every day contact. I don't know how to feel about that. I also relapsed into drinking caffeine. I drank a cup or two of coffee. Not my finest moment, but I needed a mood change.

My mind is running blank in this exercise but I'll keep going. I know I don't sound coherent or anywhere near intelligent, but I talk and think in short sentences. I think about relationships a lot. Relationships I use to be in, relationships I could...

Change of Pace

I decided to take a small hiatus from my YouTube Video venting-therapy-sessions that I try to do on a weekly bases. I just need to restart my engines and I think I need to write more. I feel as if I have a cluttered mind at the moment. As a reflection, my room, my work, my life is just cluttered with distractions. I'm allowing these distractions to take over and I realize I need to change things in order to get them in control and back into place.

Have I been writing more?
Nope, I haven't... but I'm on the right track to realizing and recognizing my current downfalls. It's hard for me to write at first, but I'm more open to doing "free-writing" rather then always having to control, edit, rephrase, and format my writing in a certain way. Sometimes you just need to let loose and let your words run wild as if you were talking out loud in an empty room. I forget to do this or I have a hard time doing this, because I'm always trying to find the right word or form the right sentences in a proper way for me to get my thoughts out. When I actively do that, it tends to lose the original feeling and I end up getting frustrated and will stop writing all together. As well as allowing distractions to take over.

My previous entry got the ball rolling and I have an even longer entry that I'm thinking of posting up.

Sometimes it's easy as breathing: Inhale, exhale, realize, and recognize.

Get Active

I'm still alive, but very inactive. I've been active in other aspects of my life, but my personal development has been neglected. I am upset about it, but there's nothing I can do about the past. I've accepted the fact that I've been unmotivated and somehow unwilling to workout my anxiety related thoughts. Now that I've accepted it, I'm now able to get the ball rolling again.



My FlashCards.

Let's Go!