A Former Coworker's Birthday Event

*I originally wrote this topic a couple of weeks ago. It involved my anxieties, apathy, and guilt on my decision to not attend a Birthday event.

A friend, former coworker, of mine had her Birthday Party earlier this month. She mentioned the event back in early October. She gave me a few options, one being that I attend a night club. I told her I'd make it to the club party, but I knew I had no motivation or intentions on following through. There are a lot of reasons as to why I didn't push myself. When it comes down to it, I just didn't want to go. I didn't want to force myself to go, and I didn't want to make myself feel guilty.

I laid low in the previous month's not really thinking about it. I was fine and I thought I'd be okay with "not" showing up. It's funny how something small can trigger something big in your head. A former coworker, someone who I was close with, mentioned something on FaceBook saying, "Hey I better see you at the event.." followed with another former coworker "liking" the comment. At that moment—and maybe I do know why, but I'll say I don't know why—but I was heavily reading into the comment. I eventually started to beat myself up. I placed a lot of guilt on me for my actions, yet I still had no plans to attend the function. As a result, I deactivated my FaceBook account shortly after the Birthday Event happened. I've been using the excuse, "I need to be more productive rather than always browsing facebook every minute" as a reason of my sudden FaceBook activity. When I think about it, it's very minuscule yet I'm very affected by the power of "Social Networking".

When I dig deeper into my reactions, I know the reason for my actions are resulted from the fear and anxieties I harbored. I was apprehensive about seeing any comments towards me, whether neutral or non-threatening.

Looking back at my reaction and the entire event, maybe I should of handled my emotions differently. I don't think I would of changed my "choice" but I know I could of managed my thoughts and emotions better. The said friend's birthday event was to celebrate her 30th birthday. She wanted me to be part of it and I overlooked that aspect of her invitation. I know I should feel good or fortunate that she feels I'm a  person she wanted to share a celebration with. However, when you're in the moment like I was, you can only think about yourself and the struggles that you feel. You can only think about your thoughts, your feelings, your emotions, and can't help be selfish in that respect. Driving into a big and lively city induces anxiety for me. I start to sweat from the drive leaving my comfort level low. I also fear the risk I take when using "alcohol" as a crutch. Past experiences have revealed that I've been quite careless with the substance and the thought of making a fool of myself can be unbearable. 

After that ordeal and thinking about it in that point of view, I focused on trying to NOT beat myself up over it. I think opening up about it helps, but I don't know what to think, what to say, or how to react. I've gone to big events, like my friends wedding, but maybe I was able to go to that event because I knew I'd be taken care of. Meaning, I knew I'd be able to stay at a friends place if I drank too much.

That is or this is my standstill. I know my faults, I realize them and I acknowledge them, yet I'm prone to making the same mistakes. I want to make progress, but I find myself not wanting to put in the work. I'm struggling, but I'm really trying. Being stuck in this position or predicament isn't fun. It can all go downhill in a big snowball effect. I think I've encountered and suffered through it. It shows in my unhealthy eating habits, mood, inactivity, and habit of allowing distractions to take over my daily production.

I've come to understand that anxiety is a part of life and it will always be there. If you think about it, it is something that reminds us we're alive. The only problem one faces is if we let it control us.

Having an episode like this reminds me that setbacks are useful. You might think that having no progress is better than having a setback, but I tend to think otherwise. When no progress is made or attempted, you don't learn anything. When a setback occurs, you have to view it as a form of progress. You realize the progress you have made and what progress you need to make in order to keep things going. Bad habits die hard and that's why it's important to develop good ones.

With all that being said, this is what I have to say to myself: GET UP. GET GOING. START LIVING.