5 Minute Freewriting #8

I woke up this morning very agitated or annoyed. I'm a bit tired, my eyes hurt, and I feel achy. You know the feeling of where you're stilling on a stool with no backsupport hunched over a laptop, and your body just feels annoyed after ten minutes of that position? Well yah, that's my morning. I went to sleep with my room "unresolved". I started cleaning up things in my room and never got around to finishing it. I have laundry that I just dumped somewhere. The clothes need to be folded. I have folded clothes that need to be put away. I have a lot of boxes or things that are taking up uncessary space. I have things I can throwout. I have clothes I could probably sort out for donation. I just need to get a control or a handle of things. 

I tend to lose focus when I allow distractions to take place. My daily distractions are waking up in the morning and watching the Dan Patrick show. Later on in the day I'll listen to the Howard Stern Show and I can't do anything without it playing. However, this freewriting is done without any ditractions and its helping me clear my mind. My eyes are closed, no television is on. I just hear ambient noise and peaceful noises from outside. I need to get things in order. I need to get serious about certain things. Whether I want to pursue and get serious about being a freelance designer and starting up my own small business or caving in and working a sa freelancer for an agency. Either way, I need to "do something" rather then spend the next month doing nothing and burning money.

I finally did more financial organizing and I feel better. I got a loan payed back to me and I have been able to put that in my savings. Im afraid I won't get to contribute to my ROTH IRA which I know is bad. I should be dong it every year. Last year I didn't get to contribute because....

** end of 5 minutes **

(continued freewriting)

... I was saving money to give me some reassurance for quitting my "corporate" job. I seem to be back on track and I'd love to contribute, but I don't think I can contribute this year unless I work a steady job. It does bum me out, because I've been good at contributing in past years and have done pretty well with my retirement savings. I think about debt I need to pay off. I know I'm not in financial debt like many people are in, but I still have debt and it bugs me when I can't pay things off or pay things in an orderly manner. Some month's I might have to pay less of what I had intended for my monthly payments. I have about 2 years or so left of car payments. I have my car insurance renewing itself in anary and I'm afraid my monthly preimium will go up due to my latest speeding ticket. I couldnt clear it up because I got a previous ticket within 12 months barring me from taking traffic school.

Sometimes I don't know where I'm spending my money, but yet I havent looked at the data to figure it out. I know I could manage things better, but I allow myself to be distracted most of the time.

My mind gets cleared when I'm out of my room, but somethinmes when I step back into my room, I allow myself to get cluttered again. That's why I really need to clean up yroom. I feel a bit selfish at times, since Christmas is coming up. I use to be in such a giving mood in years past. But now, I feel like I can't afford to get gifts for everyone. I hate leaving people out, so I don't even bother picking out gifts for the younger  relatives. I just give out cash, but then I hate doing that at times. I have certain nieces and newphews that are picky and I avoid them. If I were to give them cash, I'd be afraid they'd say "it's to little" out in public. Then I also hate the fact of giving gifts and having people open it right in front of me. I rather have them open it when they're away so that I don't have to deal with there disappointment or "fake" enthusiasm. I knwo that's negative thinking, but it's thinkign I've developed over the eyar. I somehow believe that whatever I give to people that they won't like it. I'm very... I don't know the right word to use, but I'm "soooo" that way.

Okay... I'll end the rant right now as I look out of my sliding door and seeing how sunny it is outside. I think I'll walk my dog today. It's been awhile :)