5 Minute Freewriting #6

The weather can have such a big effect on your mood. It's really cold out here where my parents live. It's weird, because I've been use to the 60-70 degree weather in Sunny Southern California, that I forget the cold winters here in the Central part of california. Yesterday morning, I decided that it would be my day to "detox" myself from all the post thanksgiving day left overs, sweets, and pastries I've munched on. I started the day off with decaf coffee and some oatmeal. I also got my fitness in. I did 30 minutes of cardio. I did 3 rounds of jump rope exercises. I did 10 minutes of slow to medium pace jump rope exercises. 1 minute break doing pushups and prisoner squats. Followed with 1 minute of higher intensity Jump Rope intervals. A good 30 minutes of sweat.

Afterwards, my mom and I went to one of the local asian markets here. It's an asian slash mexican market. We bought some stuff for this soup based dish we were planning for dinner. Then she bought a lot of sweet bread pastries. I couldn't help but munch on them. After being sunny earlier in the day, it started to rain and the skies were now gray. It kind of put a damper on things. I was going to do another 30 minute workout before dinner, but decided not to. Luckily I didn't load up on rice and just had the soup dish. I guess I was tired, because I fell asleep on the couch shortly after. I woke up at around 10 pm, caught a few emails on my phone and it got me "revd" up....

**end of 5 minutes**

(continuing my freewriting)
I got an email from someone at work and they were just following up with me and seeing if I'd be able to make the updates and have the website changes live by Monday. I still have plenty of time, but it freaked me out. I just like to have a grasp of things so I decided to start working on it. I completed the changes, but I have a lot of "quality assurance" to do. Basically, I just have to proof read a lot of the changes made and then upload the website changes.

I forgot to mention, but I do feel better about my "finances". I know how stressing and frustrated I get when I go on weeks and month's without getting any of my invoices paid in full. My client has been keeping me up to date and informed me that I will get one invoice this week coming up and the other the following week. It makes me feel good, because then I can look forward to my normal financial planning.

Taxes this year is going to be a headache for me. Why? There are a lot of things I need to do differently. A lot of the stuff I'll be filing will involve Sole Proprietor work (freelancing) and I'll most likely go to a CPA for this stuff.

The other night, I actually started to write an entry that dealt with the previous freewriting. However, when I tried making it in a structured format... I seem to have gotten lost with other ideas. I didn't know which direction to take it. I didn't know if I wanted to make it deal with "relationships" or deal with the topic of "crying". I'll probably get back to it and finish it, but I just didn't know where to go with it and so I went to sleep shortly after starting it.

I started to think about significant times when I remember crying and how I haven't cried as much or often over the past years as an adult. I cried over break-ups and being broken hearted. I've cried over my Grandmothers health and her passing. I've cried over my aunt's passing. I've cried over a "situation" that happened during my cousin's wedding. Then after those significant events I seem to have been void or just felt numb to a lot of things. I think I attributed being "numb" to just working a regular 9 to 5. I remember thinking that somehow or someway that it would find it's way to release itself. And that's why I think or I feel Social Anxiety crept up on me. After going years of just not feeling anything, feeling apathetic, worrying about being single.... Social Anxiety crept on me. It became noticeable to me when I would wait in line at the groceries or at a department store. This was nothing I ever had to worry about before, but it started to happen often. I would be waiting in line and I would break out in sweat. I would start to worry and have panic feelings. Once I would start sweating, I would think that the cashier was thinking I looked suspicious. I started to think they thought I was stealing something. I knew the thoughts were irrational, but I couldn't stop the flooding of thoughts. When that happened often, that's when I started looking into shyness, sweating, and anxiety.

After a full year of learning about SA and claiming to have SA symptoms.... I do feel I've made progress and I would like to make more. For me it's not just about "Overcoming SA". It's really more about being a better person everyday, every month, every year. I just want to strive to be a better developed person. Whether it deals with Social Anxiety, Social Skills, being a gentleman, having charm, or whatever... I would like to continue and gradually improve on skills I do have.

With that being said. I will end, what started as a 5 minute freewriting exercise, my 20+ minute rant. Good night or good morning.