Where would I be without my pen & paper (my macbook)? I'm sure I'd be somewhere. I'm sure I'd find other venues to vent and express my thoughts, but nothing compares to the ease and effectiveness of writing.
As always, I've been neglecting my thoughts, my writing process, and my usual way of venting. In many ways I am very fragile. If one aspect of my life is trapped, frustrated, and/or irritated, then it surely effects other aspects of my life (i.e. relationships, career, physical health, etc.). As I've mentioned before, it can work the other way as well.
Last night was not one of my greatest moments. I fed in and allowed myself to wallow in whatever mess I felt I was in. I found other things to occupy my time. I worked for probably three hours in the morning, until I stopped receiving any emails from a coworker. I was put in a sour mood, because I had to free up my time to wait for the repairman to fix the washer. I think what frustrates me more, and I know it's nothing to gripe about, is that I feel like I'm looked at as the person who can set aside time to sign for a package delivery, walk the dog, grocery shopping, prepare dinner for the apartment. Yes, it's convenient that I work from my home office, but it doesn't mean that I have all the time in the world to cater to other things for other people. So, it frustrates me that I feel like I'm looked at that way. I understand that I'm not asked to be put in that position, but it's the fact that I am put in that position (or that I put myself in that position) sometimes that I get annoyed.
I think that's been building up in me for awhile, and that's why I've been daydreaming about... living on my own and in a different location. One that's closer to my hometown, but still an hour and a half away from the big city. Somewhat of a middle area that has the feel of a small town, but it's taste of a metro city. That's actually why I lost sleep last weekend, when I should have been recouping from that crazy work schedule I've endured. Instead, I basically stayed up the whole night looking at apartments, cost of living, and the base salary one would have to make. By the time my mind was exhausted and ready to knock out, I had to be awake because I told my brother-in-law that I'd follow him to drop his car off at the mechanics. Even though I did not let on, it in fact put a very big wrinkle in my day (mentally). I just grew annoyed and irritated.
I don't know what the immediate future holds. I don't have any regrets in the decisions I've made in the past. Even if that entails... feeling or being financially setback a good 2 years, but I've gained valuable knowledge and experience in the process. I know what I'm capable of and I know what I'm comfortable with. It's been a process, but I feel I've gradually pushed myself towards my limits making me grow as a person. When it comes down to it, when you want or need something. You need to make sure you plan, prepare, and do the work that it takes to get there.
I still feel frustrated and annoyed, but this is a start. I need to feel better. It's beautiful outside, and its the cool breeze weather that I enjoy, yet I'm indulging myself in pastries and self-defeating thoughts... I need a change. I need to make a change. I need.. I HAVE TO.
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