5-Minute Freewriting #27

I don't know where to begin or how I got to this untangled web of thoughts. I've stopped writing, thats apparent. My thoughts haven't had the proper channel to escape. Last week I wrote, but I didn't really vent out on it as much. I wake up very tired and irritated lately. Do I know why this is happening? Sure. I'm going to be d at 3 - 4 am in the morning again. I'm drinking coffee well into the late night. I know I need to stop that, but it's a pick me up. I only get motivated to work at late hours of the night. During the day I'm just browsing the net wasting time. I feel trapped in my room at times, but that's because my brother in law has this whole week off and he's been in the apartment as well. I haven't had the place to myself or the freedom to rome around. I think that's why I might feel restricted, irritated and annoyed, but I'm dealing with it. Not only that, I will have to travel tomorrow for a death in the family (not immediate family). Funerals are never fun. I'm met with a lot of anxiety, because a lot of the kids (the troubled kids, the ones involved in the drug game) I grew up with will be there. I had mixed feelings about my cousin (the one who just passed away). I'm saddened, yet, but I do have my own thoughts towards how he carried out his life. I just feel as if he took the easy way out or that he was a bit selfish in the way he decided to go out, but who am I to judge. That's why my feelings are mixed.

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I just have this cloud looming over me. At first, I wasn't looking forward to the rosary and funeral at all. I wasn't looking forward to running into people. Having to make small talk, having to... just run into family. I have this thought or feeling as if I'll be looked at as "why is he so fortunate?" because it is true.... Out of all the cousins, my parents seem to be the ones with there heads straight. They're the ones who seem to be stable, with stable kids. Because of that, I can't help but think that the other aunts look at me and wonder why I'm so fortunate. I don't like all the attention. I don't like any attention. Then again, this whole event isn't for me and that's why I was able to change my thoughts around.

One thing I am upset about is... My sister. We shared a lot of the same feelings about "traveling back home" for this event. However, I was under the impression that she was going but wouldn't be able to stay for the funeral (which is on a Monday). But, I find out she isn't going home at all. She decided to continue with her previous engagements. She feels bad and she says it feels like she's selfish. I get it and I understand, but I do view her actions as being selfish. No problem, I just don't like having to deal with her "stuff". Meaning... I have to answer for her. I have to come up with something when aunts, uncles, and cousins asks me "Where's your sister?" I'm not looking forward to that....