I'm writing my thoughts away. I'd like to feel or think that it's productive. It is, in some shape or form, it is. However, it's up to the individual, myself, to explore, discover, realize and come up with certain conclusions. Is this working for me? Does this effect me the way it should be? How am I coming to these conclusions? Where do I draw the line? How do I apply what I've learned?
I try to allow myself time to think and question myself without any unneccessary distractions. I write a great deal about having distractions in my life and wasting away hours on useless activities such as browsing websites. Yet, if I know it's useless and time wasting... why do I still participate in such unproductive activities? Distractions. As I've learned through initial CBT, distractions (at least used for proper purposes) serve a way to break-up automatic negative thoughts.
**end of 5 minutes**
With that in mind.... I'm realizing or "RE-realizing" that I have an automatic coping mechanism that involves distractions. Whether I'm troubled, anxious, heavy in emotions, distraught, basically having a crummy day... I consciously and subconsciously turn to distractions.
Examples... Let's say I'm trying to workout. For some reason, I need or have this thought that I need to have a "great" workout. I spend so much time on preparation rather than the workout itself. Somedays, I'll probably write for five minutes or meditate for 5 minutes to release thoughts out. Maybe I'll numb my thoughts by watching television. Then I'll proceed to do warmups by jumping around, walking, and flapping my arms around. I'll do some stretches. If it feels like I'm making a great effort, then I end up continuing with a warmup but with more effort. Eventually I'll get to my intended workout, but all that preperation... Is it necessary? I guess it is, but it feels as if I have all these rituals I need to do in order for me to get to my workout. And the way I feel is dependent on it. I won't feel satisfied unless I do them, or I feel my workout was less than stellar because the prepwork was skipped.
That's one example. How about "Work" life? I remember this being such a struggle when I worked in a corporate setting. The morning commute was crazy. Somedays, those commutes would be therapy. I'd be able to workout my thoughts and listen to my own realizations. Somedays I wouldn't even know how I got myself to and from work, because I'd be so zoned out from the commutes. Then when I actually get to work, it just would suck. I'd complain to myself how much I hated the job, work, bullshit employee appreciation activities, and found myself feeding on other negativity such as piling onto negative sentiments that other works are spewing. Then leaving the workplace I would either stew in those thoughts on my commute back home and vegetate in front of the computer or tv until I fall into deep slumber. I wake up just to repeat the cycle again. Distractions... I'm realizing how much I automatically found distractions during my "corporate" career.
Now that I work from home, I have distractions... but it's somehow different. I guess that's what I'm trying to find out. Trying to recognize and realize what it is and take proper actions. Why do I allow myself to let things waste? Or why do I view it as waste? What if it's useful waste, but I just need to connect the dots. Maybe I have to put in the time and effort into managing the waste. It's all useless and important at the same time. It depends on how one views it I guess.
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