I have a lot of material I could write about. I could write about my 2nd therapy visit. I can write about my recent job assignment. I could write about the weather and the mood I've been in. I could write about anything, yet I've been unmotivated and back on the "downs" from the recent roller coaster of anxiety and panic. I started to feel limited or constricted when writing. I forget that my writings don't have to fit a specific format, yet I was super hard on myself. I rather put away my thoughts and writings then publish a long and dry entry. It felt like I wrote a bullsh*tted essay.
I'm stuck watching "In Treatment" season 2. I get so heavily involved in the show. My emotions and feelings are in that therapy room whenever I watch the show.
FaceBook is addicting. It can be fun, but it can be annoying and depressing. Seeing people posting up random fun things that don't necessarily need to be posted make me annoyed, yet I find myself doing that at times when I do have fun things I'm doing. Then there's video postings of people that inspire me. Then there's the occasional stalking one does on FaceBook. I kind of wish I wouldn't have, but I knew I was asking for it. I snooped around an ex's profile. Curiousity, right? I'll never add her or make a move to add her. Everything is mutual, but I just don't want to go down that road. Yet, I still try to look at how her life is. I'll admit, if I see a new photo posted, I'll look for the obvious. I'll look if she has a boyfriend, or if there's a ring on her finger….
**end of 5 minutes **
It's not that I'm jealous or that I'm pining for her. I think it's more about… I'm trying to remember how I was and who I was in the past. I was I able to be social. How was I able to be with her. How was she attracted to me. I don't have the answers, but it all comes down to Timing and Location. For the brief time we were together, it was contingent on location and time. We met during our last years at the University. We shared interests and found comfort in each other. We also had our disagreements and arguments. We had our break-ups and make-ups. It was a time to be young and where responsibilities weren't placed heavily on ourselves. Yet… I do think about her from time to time. I wish I could just say a "Hi", but I won't. I mean I have (for her Birthdays), but that's all. Yet, whenever she visits my neck of the woods, she thinks about me and will still want to meet up.
Yes… I do think about that. I do think about it as… sometimes being a Social Anxiety thing and sometimes not being a Social Anxiety thing. In all senses, it's being a "Human" thing. We all have thoughts, we all have feelings, and we all have reactions. Putting the blame or making an excuse out of Social Anxiety is one thing, but it really is just being Human. Holiday's can bring the best out in people, while it could bring out the worst in others. For me, I can only focus on my shortcomings or lack of motivation for things. I have a few things to think about and reevaluate. I need to think about my career. Where am I at? I need to think about my progress and how willing I am to push myself. I need to think about whether I will continue with therapy or push myself to be my own therapist again. I need to "feel".
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