I'm back home at my parents house sitting on the carpet floor of my bedroom. In the dark, my room is lit up by glow-in-the-dark shooting stars, lightning bolts, suns, moons, and planets. I'm up at an odd, fairly normal for me, hour reflecting on a few thoughts I found myself occupied in.
It seems I've become accustomed to odd sleeping habits as of late. As a result, I had trouble falling asleep during my weeks stay at my parents house. The living room, above the flat screen television, has 4 picture frames hanging on the wall. One being my University Diploma. The other frame is a photo of me in my cap and gown at the university graduation. The last two frames are photo's of me and my date(s) at two different high school dances. I have no idea why my mom has them hanging on the wall and other school dance photo's propped up around the house. I'm no longer in high school and I'm not dating those girls. It is kind of weird, but it's something I didn't quite ponder on till recently.
They're seems to be a nostalgic, yet lethargic, feeling that the winter holidays evoke. I found myself in the dark staring down the dimly lit hallway reliving high school and college memories.
The memories flooded my mind, but I couldn't emotionally connect with them as I once have. I use to be able to connect with a memory. It's like a fresh cut or wound. You peel the band aid off and you're senses go crazy. Only now, everything has healed and what once was can only be remembered and not really felt.
Then I moved onto memories of my college (ex-)girlfriend. I remember introducing her to my parents and the anxiety I had of introducing her to family members (I brought her home during my Grandpa's Birthday). I also reminsced on the hard times I had as well. The breakup, the heartbreak and the couple of years that seemed to show I was not "over" it. Again, I tried connecting to those feelings but I couldn't feel anything emotionally. I could only recall memories and how hurt I was or how hard things were for me during that time.
When was the last time I've actually cried? It's really been awhile, not to mention weird, because growing up I was known as a crybaby. As an adult, there rarely have been times when I've broke down crying. Other than crying over ex's, I've broken down emotionally during the loss of my Grandmother.
I remember breaking down into tears when I nearly threw a wrench in my older cousin's wedding. That's another story, another entry for another time, but let's just say alcohol was involved and a lot of misplaced frustration and stress was aimed at the wrong people.
That is currently where those memories lay. I'm not in the same emotional state as I was during those memories or during the time I was writing down those memories. That is why I don't know how or didn't know where to take those thoughts. I just thought I would share them and shed some light. Those thoughts will reoccur and the way I deal and handle them will always be different.