My thoughts seem to have turned on me during the latter part of the night. Not sure what it was. Well, I'm sure I know what it is but I've been avoiding "it" for the past couple of hours. The longer I've avoided it, I've snacked on wheat bread with nutella and made two chicken taco's. All of this way after eating 4 multigrain chocolate chip strawberry pancakes for dinner earlier this evening.
I was feeling good yesterday. I felt productive, because I made a vlog (video blog). I know that might sound a bit absurd to people who work 9 to 5 jobs. What can I say though? It does make me feel productive. It does a couple of things for me. (1) It's another form of therapy. It's like freewriting, but edited, where I get to rant about certain subjects. I put effort into my recordings. (2) It's another creative outlet for me. I tend to sprinkle some artistic things into it like composition and concepts. I'm not saying I drown it in art and leave the audience with a profound meaning. I just like to sprinkle a little creativity here and there.
After producing the video earlier yesterday, I felt accomplished. Corny as it sounds—and I know I should be spending my time elsewhere—it feels productive. It's somewhat of a catalyst for me to get going on other things.
After that, I started to work on a few fixes and revisions for a small web project I have with an old friend of mine. I got the fixes done and sent him an email.
I kept myself occupied most of the day, but probably spent too much time browsing the usual websites.
I got my legs warmed up and went running last night. It was a good run. Streets weren't busy, but it was dark. I didn't get to run during sunset. While running, I remember something I said before. To have a productive run, you have to go with an open mind. The same way you would approach social anxiety when going to an event. Being open to a run or an event, you allow yourself to be flexible... to accept change... or to accept failure/progress.
I went running with an open mind and I enjoyed the run. I had a great view of the city lights. I run up this hill that over sees the city. It's quite a nice view.
After my run, I rested a little and continued with a few pushups, squats, and situps. After my sister got home, I cooked dinner. This is when my thoughts started to turn on me.
Earlier this week, I was inspired by this photographer. She made this digital short mashed up with an Etta James song (Sunday Kind of Love). It sparked something inside of me. I loved the video, the song, the subject and techniques used. It sparked that "artist" in me again. I have few ideas of my own of creating a few digital shorts (video clips) of an idea I have. It's all about Self-Reflection.
I ended up inspired and looked for some HD Video clips on Vimeo. They have stuff that usually blows my mind. Stuff that inspires. I found a few video clips. They were remarkable. The subjects were remarkable. But it left me with a bitter taste. I don't know what it was. Well, actually I do know. I saw the video pieces this director made and it just blew my mind. It made me feel inadequate, because I can't top it. I know I wanted to make my own video's for my own personal project, but.... I just felt, at that moment like "don't even bother with it anymore".
It all stems from "perfectionism". You either strive too much to be perfect that you're hard on yourself or you seek only perfection and if you can't have it you just won't try. I feel that's what got my thoughts turning tonight.
I also had another thought that just bit me. I got a paycheck today. It's one of my bigger paychecks for a project I worked crazy on to get a client's website up and live. I'm relieved to have gotten the check, but reality set in. It's one of the last remaining checks that the client owes me and it basically means a couple of things. I need to get serious about producing more work and attracting more clients, or cleaning up my portfolio site and seek more contract work with an agency. Because of this feeling and cycling thoughts, it has this reality and realization for me. I've realized I've gotten a little too comfortable with the lifestyle (work) I've inherited for the past 6 months. Working from home. Working my own hours. Working crazy hours but spending them in the dead of the night.
Yes... those are the thoughts that turned on me. I don't know why I avoided them. I should of nipped them in the bud in the first place. I probably would of saved myself a few calories and hours of sleep. The good thing is that I at least worked my thoughts out opposed to holding it in and letting it build.
I'll see what tomorrow holds for me. Outlook: good.