Catching Up

It's been about a few month's since I last wrote on here and many things have changed. I think the main sticking point in the last entry dealt with aging, turning 31. I believe my feelings and frustrations where stemming from my bachelor status. I think I came off a weekend back home where all I heard from aunts that I bumped into, was them telling me "why are you still single" and also seeing friends who have kids already. I do get bummed about that, just because it shouldn't be anyone's place to tell me who I should be with, when I should be with, etc.

However, after going through that slump of negative thinking, I ended up meeting someone. Maybe I'll get into it later, but I'm now in a relationship. It's a healthy, loving, and caring relationship. I was afraid I'd be filled with anxiety about it. I thought she wouldn't understand or get me, but the truth is... we are similar. We're a bit quiet and shy when in social settings with groups. However, she understands me and I understand her. We're comfortable with each other and as a result, I've been able to go out more and do more exposure. I've had moments of panic attacks, but she's so understanding and I've gradually been able to conquer social settings.

Now, fast forward to last night's events. I was part of my best friend's engagement party. It was extremely overwhelming for me. I mean extremely. I was dressed up in a suit and tie for the occasion. I'm one of the only outsiders that's not a direct family member. I'm also someone outside of there culture, as I'm filipino and he's in a pakastani-indian-muslim culture. I was able to expose myself to the elements. I met up with his family and at first I thought that was overwhelming. I had to escape a few times to get fresh air and cool down. I had to go through it and there was a point where I'm in the living room with people I know but I can't connect with and I'm freaking out. I couldn't escape and I told myself I wouldn't. I just dealt with it. After thinking that way, my body temperature cooled down, but my sweating continued. I was fine though and everything was okay.

Then we caravanned to the event and it was extremely overwhelming. 150+ relatives on the fiancé's side. It was stuffy. You're greeting everyone as you go in and it's this whole pomp & circumstance. Everyone's staring. It was crazy. I was fine until I felt the warmth and stuffiness of the house and I started sweating as we lined up to get appetizers. A friend caught it and put me on blast, but in a joking way. It helped break the ice but I had to step outside. It was crazy. I'd deal with that all throughout the night, but the intensity of it would die down. It was a happy occasion and I did feel the warmth, love, and care that everyone had in the house. So I didn't feel bad about my sweating. However, I was frustrated with myself. I'm also mentally exhausted. I can only focus on the negatives and it does wear me out. I think this particular event, this night, was tad bit too much of an exposure. It's one of those things where I had to push myself and jump into the ocean, rather than gradually going from a 3 foot pool and moving into the 10 foot deep end. Yet, I managed.

So I'm just in recovery this morning. Feeling more refreshed, because I allowed myself to sleep in. I'm feeling better about myself and how I dealt with things last night.

I'm Still Here...

I haven't written as much lately. I haven't given much thought and/or focus on my anxieties lately. But I still have them. I've been kind of all over the place. At the moment, I have some frustration and anger issues (if I am to be honest). It's not directed at one thing or one person. It's not even directed at my social anxieties and or panic attacks. My thoughts have just been all over the place and here's what has been going on lately...

...

Aging a Bit with Scattered Thoughts
I have an idea where I'm going with this entry, but I can't say I have a clear route. I'm just freely typing this with my mind drifting in and out while I listen to some music. I haven't done this in awhile. Think, write, vent... The last time I wrote here was when I was stressed out and pissed about my last workplace.

...

I'm now at another place. Instead of working as a front-end developer, I'm now a designer. It's a change of pace. Instead of being hammered for things and being called into meetings that take up the whole day, I'm on the creative side of things. I am happy to see that the people around me seem to like what I've done so far. Financially and career wise, I'm at a good place right now.

...

Three years in a row, I've signed up for a half marathon that happens the first Sunday of November. In June, I did a 3 month training program that over trained my legs. However, for this up coming half-marathon, I'm only on a 2 month routine. I don't think it's working for me. I'm just now getting serious and my running fitness sucks at the moment. My recovery time isn't as quick as it use to be.

...

I turned 31 last week. Last year, I was more open to acknowledging my Birthday. This year, I don't know. There's something in me that makes me dread it. I don't like being like this. I'm alive right? I'm doing better than anyone back home and doing okay on my own over here in my part of the world.

...

Last month I had to help my parents sort some sh*t out. I'm still involved in this mess that's on going. I found out that this Home Security Monitoring company has been scamming my parents. Reading up on all these consumer reports and how helpless people feel with the contract they blindly signed up for. Lawd-have-mercy. This situation only came into light, because this shady business showed up in my credit report. It's frustrating to deal with this and to see how easy it is for my parents to give up or not put up a fight. The scary thing that gets me, is that I'm old and that means my parents are old-old (if that makes any sense) and that scares me. It's no longer myself who goes to my parents for support. It's starting to become a pivitol point where my parents are turning to me for support. Scary.

...

Also, with all the people back in my hometown, that are much younger than me, getting married and/or having there 2nd or 3rd kids. It only makes my parents more vocal. They want grand kids.  This upcoming holiday season, I anticipate a barrage of jokes and inquiries about me being single. I don't know or think I'll handle it well this year. The fact that I will be 31 and my aunts, uncles, and parents still see me as single. For pete's sake, my aunts and uncles got married in there 20's. The expectations they have for me, is what I think makes me feel like sh*t sometimes. Yet, I put on a face, dust it off, and try not to show any type of hostility towards them. Drink a few shots of whiskey and I'll be fine.

...

Seeing a photo of my nephew/godson when he was probably 2 years old (6 years ago) makes me trip. My cousin's kids... seeing how fast they're growing makes me feel... "where the hell did the time go?"

... 

Yes, I'd love to be in a committed relationship, possibly married, and yes I'd love to have kids too. Yet that's not something I'm in pursuit of nor is it something that has presented itself to me. I don't feel that it's something needed, yet at times I do feel isolated and lonely. I don't feel confident in many aspects and thoughts like this freak me out.

...

It's official. Turning 31 is bumming me out. It shouldn't, but it is. I'm open to anything. I try not to let expectations get me down, but I'm ready for anything that comes my way and I'll take things as they come. Here's to being 31 this month.

Slumming It on a Saturday

I'm making and taking the time to write tonight. I'm on one of my lazy & down moods from my chaotic work week cycles. Recent experiences have made me want to record, vent, and work through my thoughts. Work has been an on-going, hectic and chaotic environment. The company I left nearly 2 years ago, and  rejoined a year later has been filled with much indirect drama.

Personal Finances

I've been able to recover and grow substantially. My car has been paid off and it's a car I'm still in love with. I'm more about style rather than flash. When I worked solely on freelance, I basically broke even so that I can eat, sleep, work, and live at home. Due to my avoidance of having a social life, I am able to live well below my means and enjoy simple things. I enjoy much smaller groups and more quality time with friends and family. I splurge on things once in awhile that I enjoy (running, snowboarding, etc.). It does feel good to know I have retirement, investment, and emergency funds at hand. I think critics (whoever they might be) would tell me I'm not living a complete life because I pass up on "living in the moment". Yet, I think everyone's definition of "living the life" is different. True, I tend to be shy, timid, and avoid things but I enjoy very simple things (but yes… I'm aware that I need to break down walls and not avoid everyone or everything at every moment).

Health and Fitness

This year has been good to me. I'm a year older and I can prominently feel the aches and pain more from training now. My back and calves ache during long runs. My recovery time is not as quick as it use to be. However, I've been able to stay at a 160 - 163 lb weight. It went up to 180lbs this past winter and it got me to wake up. My body measurements are in a good place and my body composition has been solid. I don't have the six pack that I want, but I try to balance the time I have with work, fitness, and life. It's a hard balance at times, but I try to stay consistent. If stress doesn't get to me, I can eat healthy for months. However, if I'm on the bad end of a chaotic work-stress cycle, I break into bad junk-food habits that lead me through periods of inactivity.

Personal Development & Progress

Whenever I list out achievements and/or progress, I feel like I'm making excuses for things I haven't done or should be doing. I tend to be hard on myself. Yet, I'll go on…

Anxiety is a part of life. It's normal. It's healthy, even though that might not sound right. However, it's unhealthy when you allow it to control your life in every aspect. If I were to compare my state of mind with last year or years prior, I feel like I've made much progress. I have more experience and knowledge about things. Yet, it feels like I've had to relearn how to be confident over things I've never had problems with before. I've felt like I've gained much of my confidence back. Looking back at it, I think getting reading glasses and dealing with braces for 2 years made me feel very self-conscious. Being in my mid-twenties I had a chip on my shoulder about people asking why I'm still single. Questioning why I'm not with anyone. I think that did a lot to break me down. 

Yes, I still get comments about that, but the way I'm able to handle things are much better. For some reason, when I turned 30 last year… I didn't freakout as much as I thought I would. I feel as if I'm coming of age and I'm growing into who I feel I should be.

Dealing with Social Anxiety and Panic Attacks

I still have my bouts with 'em. However, I don't feel like I take them too serious as I use to. I do get major panic attacks during certain occasions, but I've been able to go about my life.

Being on a low right now, I can see why I had a small freakout yesterday. Like I mentioned earlier, the work week has been stressful and I'm on the low-end of a chaotic week. Yesterday (Friday) I had a meeting with my team's new boss. We basically had to give a progress report on the projects we have. We list out our actual time spent on a task vs the estimated time we gave early in the week. It's bullish*t and it's really an extra job/tasks for myself and another coworker, because it's really something to keep one coworker in check. When one person abuses the system, the rest of us have to endure the micromanagement being done.

Shortly after that, I took off from work early, because I didn't take my lunch. I met up with a friend (old coworker) for drinks. She invited her coworkers, but only one showed up. I felt rushed, because I was running late. It also didn't help that I parked on the opposite side of the shopping area we met up at. Also, it was sunny and 90 degree weather. I should of took my time walking, but I didn't. When I stepped inside the place and sat down, my body was in overdrive and it was trying to cool down. They sat in a booth and under a spotlight. I started to sweat. I was okay, but I let the small panic thoughts get to me. I excused myself to the bathroom, but that didn't' help. I really knew I had to walk around and get active rather than let the thoughts get to me. I excused myself again and pretended I needed to make a call. I stepped outside to walk but that seemed to make it worse cuz it was warm outside. I had to find a nice cool spot. Luckily, I found the public restroom to be fully air conditioned with much more privacy as well. It was nice and cold. I was basically sitting in a stall just cooling off. It felt good to just breathe deeply and cool down. After I was cool, calm and collected, I walked slowly back to the restaurant and jumped into there conversation. It was all good after that.

Today though, I feel lazy. An aftermath from the 2 glasses of beer I had. I've been eating carbs like crazy today and consuming so much caffeine. I need to stop. I think I just vented out my sh*t for the week and I feel good :)

I hope everyone has a great weekend.

P.S. It's Sunday and I'm adding on to this. I'm trying to put up a good fight, because I'm letting all these bad habits get the best of me. I feel like doing nothing and just eating. I stepped outside earlier to walk my dog. I'm about to clean up the house rather than feel horrible and work on freelance projects while drinking coffee. I just hate this feeling and this part of the weekend I'm in. Something's got to give. I've got to put some more work into it.

Another Weekend...

I'm going through another weekend of just feeling lazy and low. Another depressed state of mind? I'm not sure what to call it, but I always go through it. It's sunny and beautiful outside, yet I don't feel like going out or being active. My workout routine is out the door and I have a self-defeatist attitude. :(

I always encounter these episodes after chaotic weeks. Yes, this past week was another chaotic one. I'm losing grip and finding it hard to find balance. When I don't plan things out, my sh*t is out of whack. My diet, my workout, my rational thinking goes out the door. All the confidence I've built u in the past 4 month's seem to have deteriorated.

It's not going to be built back up overnight and I do have to start somewhere. I need to start up again. Writing is a start. It gets irrational thinking out of my head. Well maybe not out of my head, but it gets it sorted out. It let's me rationalize things.

"IF YOU CHANGE NOTHING, NOTHING WILL CHANGE"

Rambling Thoughts in June

This weekend has been a disaster. The thought of "writing" it out helped, but it took me awhile to finally do it. So there are things I feel, think, and see as a disaster manifesting or repeating itself. Dealing with one busy work week after another,  the weekends are an invitation to vegetate. It makes me more susceptible to my depressed state of thinking and feeling. I've been taking st. johns wort and trying to focus on healthy eating and fitness on my weekends, but when that gate breaks. I'm just flooded.

Let's start with my on-going fitness tug-of-war. Earlier this month, I finished my half-marathon training and I felt good about it. There were high points in that training when I got down to 160lbs with a toned body. Once I hit that imaginary number/wall, I couldn't get passed it and would go up a pound and down a pound. I stopped focusing on that number and focused on getting fresh legs. After running my marathon, I decided I needed to start a fitness-training-program again. I took a week off and allowed my body to rest and recover. I did the official weigh in and measurements. I was surprised to see I only put on a pound and hardly gained any inches on my body measurements. A week of making sure my Carb-Protein-Fat ration was consistent and that I continued to workout (primarily more resistance training), I just felt "blah" during my scheduled weigh-ins. Last weekend (I know this is an excuse), I went back home and indulged in bbq and all that other stuff. I got back on track, but shortly fell off track starting on Friday. I overloaded on carbs. Continued with that cycle on Saturday and well into Sunday. :( I got some workouts in, but they felt useless. Just the feeling of being "un-fit" put me in my own mental prison again.

I think I got myself free'd up and I'm ready to hit the road running tomorrow, but it's been a very unproductive, lazy, and mentally unfocused weekend.

I stared thinking about Social Anxiety and experiences I've had recently. I still get panic attacks, but I see the relationship between that and work-stress management. Work has been kicking my ass and the stress from it is slowly creeping up on me. If I get a good hold on it, then I have a good hold on my workouts, which usually lead me to have a good hold on my eating habits. However, if one things gets thrown off, the rest follows :(

My mind and thoughts wander. This weekend, while picking up sandwiches at a nearby restaurant with my sister. I got that feeling. The way the restaurant is  setup for pickup. You walk past an outside area where there are people eating. The inside is cramped. I'm waiting with my sister and patiently waiting for them to call my number. The place starts to feel more cramped as people walk in. I sit down, put my head down, and just try to stay loose. Yet, my body is overheating. I feel sweat forming and I don't fight it. I just try to relax as much as I can. Moments like that are tough, but there's no easy way to take it in. Best way to deal with it is to just acknowledge it and to let it run its course. The more you deny it and fight it, the more intense the panic becomes and the longer it resides with you.

I beat up myself today. I ate a big chocolate chip cookie, one dark chocolate bar. I probably had an 800 calorie beef broccoli dish for lunch. I've also been drinking an extraordinary amount of coffee lately. It's the sugar. I'm addicted to the sugar and caffeine. :( I need to regain control over it. I'm not saying cut it off, but I need to set a limit.

This is my (re)start. It's a good way of managing my thoughts. Tomorrow is another day. The damage that has been done is yesterday's doing and needs to stay there. I can work with what I have and it's good to know I'm still in great shape. I might have lost a little confidence in myself, but I still have plenty. Time to put in the work.

Lunch Time Leading

Just a quick note about something that happened today. Just thinking about the lunch I had with my coworker (the same coworker I vented about in my last entry). Our big major projects and deadlines have simmered down just a little bit, so there's less tension in our office workspace.

One thing I realized was... during lunch, I went first to order. I was given a number and had to be the lead in finding a seat. This type of "leading" freaks me out. My old habit would of let him go first so that he could choose the seating arrangement and I would follow. It also didn't help that the restaurant was crowded with a couple of tables open. Alas, I lead the charge. I was on my own navigating towards one of the only open tables. A lot of people around and semi close quarters. Once I cemented our seating arrangements, everything was fine.

Weird how it just dawned on me. I just did something semi-automatically today, that would of totally freaked me out and send me into panic mode 6 month's ago.

There are two basic choices we have in dealing with our struggles:
#1. Make Excuses or #2. Make Progress

Progress! You have to keep at it. Whether you make big or small gains, it's progress.

How bout some Freewriting, what do you say?

I decided to write tonight. This is to counter the bad habit's I've been indulging in today. I've been making great progress in my fitness and half-marathon training. I have this vision of where it's heading and it's self-sabotage. It's a pattern I'm very familiar with. It needs to stop. Sub-consciously, I think that I'm easing up and slowing down on my fitness goals. Of course, this is due to possibly being very close to my intermediate goals. It's one of those mental and physical blocks I get. Once I see myself close to that finish line, I tend to relax and ease up. I can't and I shouldn't. I need to remind myself that there's other goals I need to reach after passing this one.

So when I come to my senses and I realize what I'm doing to myself, I'm also reminded of the stress m under at work. Dealing with hectic deadlines, urgent projects that Project Managers seem to feel need more priority over other Project Leads. I'm having to deal with an ever-so-annoying coworker who has this innate habit of venting his problems to me, while disingenuously filling me in on his supposed "great" conversations he has with the higher-ups. Here's the facts. I shouldn't say that, because this is just my opinion. He's full of bullshit. He has this need to establish or validate his "time-wasting" with how much hours he works. He does not get the concept of Quality over Quantity. I feel he misinterprets things. When a higher up asks him for his opinion on something. It doesn't mean for him to stay after work hours to do research and stay on the clock for it. He's very uncomfortable with silence and always has to break the ice. He's uncomfortable with himself and where he's at. He's insecure. He's acting out by trying to validate himself with bullshit things. He's always having to share what he talked about with some other coworker. Yet there I am, soaking it in and smiling. His fake'ness has made me fake to where I have to fake my smiles. Why do I have to entertain him? That's what it's feeling like. I'm either his therapist or entertainment. My personality won't let me tell him to F off. 

Anyways, for myself, I take into account that whatever I do or say has an effect on everyone. That is why I try to conduct myself professionally and end up holding back on my words. The only mistake I've engaged in, has been venting out some of my frustrations to another coworker that shared the same sentiments, which ignited him to go bring things up to our Director.

Things have to get shaken up a bit in order for things to change. I guess that applies to all (work, fitness, personal development, etc.). 

I've been stuffing my face today with carbs and coffee to soak in this stress. I'm letting it get to me. I'm adding onto it. I realize now that I need to let it go. Now that I've realized it, and shaken up by it, I'm taking the appropriate steps in correcting it. I didn't get a workout in today, but I got my legs rested. The only problem, is that I feel restless rather than rested.

Before I go to bed, I need to allow at least 3 hours to pass to digest tonight's dinner. I need to do a light warmup and do extensive stretch exercises tonight to get my legs ready for tomorrow's 13-mile run. I also need to rehydrate myself.

As for work, I probably won't do anymore work-related projects tonight and I will continue tomorrow morning after my long run. With the stress from work and coworkers, I need to remember.. "LET IT GO".

And of course, all of this writing and getting in tune with myself is my way of alleviating and taking preventative measures towards my struggle with social anxiety and panic attacks. I still get them of course, but I feel I have a better grasp of it. I'll still get my panic sweats, especially when I'm being watched over by someone of authority. Yet, I'm feeling more comfortable around more situations. More importantly, I'm much more comfortable being in my own skin. Being me. Being more outgoing. When I say outgoing, that doesn't mean being extroverted. I mean being more active. I am and will be an introverted person, but that doesn't have to be a disability. People who choose to have interest in me are people worth keeping in your life. I'm thankful for many things and keeping busy helps me handle my anxieties and panic. You just have to find a balance in everything: Balance, gain confidence, and being yourself (finding yourself is another story).

Work Meetings

I had myself a panic attack. I was in a small group meeting and things where fine. I got called-up on and all the attention was focused on me. I felt my temp rise. If my complexion wasn't dark, you would of probably seen my face turn RED. I did a good job of keeping cool, but a few sweat beads got away from me. I'm writing this because I'm a bit flustered by it and I'm trying to get this experience out of my head.

Trying to End on a Positive Note

If I look back at the start of this week, I must have been slowly tapering off from a previous strong week. Where do I begin? I need to start somewhere, because all this over consumption, eating, carb loading, and inactivity has been a result of my "avoidance" of doing things. I know myself. I've done this before and I remember writing about this type of situation last time. I remember this happening after my San Francisco Trip. My thoughts went to the gutter, I was somewhat in a depressed state, physically inactive and constantly over-eating. From summer-time till late early winter, I nearly put on 15 pounds. I've lost those ten pounds, but I'm stuck.

Emotions & Relationships
As mentioned in my last two writings… I've been "wylin'" about this girl. I'm not sure why, because it's not like me, but I got caught up in the situation. It reminds me that I'm human and that I have feelings, emotions, and a heart as well. I acknowledged how I felt. I accept the feelings I felt and I've been able to move forward. I'm not saying I wasn't hurt at all (because it did sting), but I was able to deal.

After a whole week of going through the motions. Feeling upset with myself for allowing myself to get caught up, I was looking forward to this weekend getaway. Some snowboarding in the mountains would do me some good. However, there's always a catch. A week later after feeling that I got "put-on"… I get a text from this girl. If I'm honest with my emotions… I was happy. Not happy as in "yay, she's still thinking about me". But happy in a sense of… "okay, now I have some resolve and last say in this". I didn't bother to reply back. I was done with the situation. She texted again later in the day, while I was on the road. I brushed it off. Nothing against her, but it was just something I needed to do. It wasn't until I arrived at Mammoth (Snow Resort) and had dinner with my buddies that I saw a missed call from my phone. Long story short, I had the door closed, but not locked. I allowed myself to get caught up again. After getting that feeling of being "put-on" again, I had to ask the obvious. I ended up asking her, "What happened the other week?" I told her that her "phone" just being activated as an excuse seemed weird to me, but I let her know that everything between her and I were cool and that I would see her around sometime. That was basically me saying my piece/peace in a nice way.

She did respond back and I got my resolve from it. I continued the past week without contacting her. I let things fade. However, my body was still trying to recover from that weekend. I wasn't getting enough sleep. My eating habit shifted. I was skipping breakfast and I'd be craving sugar during the work day. I gave in during the last day of the work week and I indulged in cookies, too much coffee, and this weekend was just horrible. One Chocolate peanut butter sandwich after another, tortilla lime chips and salsa. All things carbs, followed with coffee and creamer. I kept telling myself I'd run it off, but I never could get myself in the mood. I felt cramped and annoyed. I was able to go walk my dog today and I feel much better now that I've cleaned up my room and that I'm writing things out.

Well, I felt okay Friday and I ended up texting the said girl mentioned. I just txt'd her about something she posted on Facebook. Small talk, just showing everything's cool. It was innocent, nothing flirtatious, but I know that I cracked open the door again. I allowed myself to keep looking at her Facebook page trying to figure out her "status" updates. Now that I'm admitting this, I'm allowing myself to move onwards.

What am I trying to convey in this writing? I'm not sure, but as I've mentioned before… I'm an emotional eater. With these emotions not being dealt with the right way, they tend to creep up with my eating habits. Clearly, this weekend was horrible. Maybe I wasn't in an emotional mess, I sure acted out in a very destructible way.

It's good to realize my faults and weaknesses. It allows me to move on. I have tomorrow to workout, clean-up my eating habits, and genuinely breathe new life into my work week. It's time to let this slip-up go, and time to buckle down and get things going again.

Feeling good at the moment...

Work, A Girl, and Snowboarding

I knocked out last night shortly after pigging out on some food. I just remember waking up 40 minutes ago on the couch with my dog curled up in my arms. Yesterday was one of those mind-draining days where it, unfortunately, leaves me un-enthusiastic to come into work. My coworker's over-enthusiasm about certain things comes off really fake to me and makes me exert energy to try to even keep up.

It's annoying and I don't know how long I can last and be myself at the same time. I'm expected to propose a few things with our new UX Director on what I want to do at work, what I expect, what our team can provide and lead with. It's just ultimately draining when I can't do simple things, because my energy is being wasted by my coworkers draining it away.

On another note, my previous entry involving a "girl" has came to an end. Out of that experience, the main thing I'm a little upset about (and it's still lingering) is the fact that I let myself get caught up in that situation. Knowing the circumstances, knowing her situation, and assuming it would lead us both to no where... I still allowed myself to get caught up in the situation. People do it all the time and this time I experienced it. I think the fact that someone showed interest in me and that I had a mutual interest in this person excited me. Even with the drama it could of attached, I was definitely intrigued by her. However, I should of known from our "txtings" that got boring and our phone conversations that stalled... that there really wasn't any chemistry.

She suggested that if I'm in town that we should hangout. Last week, I was actually in town, and I made an attempt to make plans. Whether she believed that I was in town or not, or maybe she started dating someone else prior to me arriving, or maybe her current "drama" was the reason... I didn't want to be that guy who played the "chase" part. After txting her twice just asking her what's up and being met with no response, I clipped the situation. I never txted her back and I never received a response as well. So maybe it doesn't sit with me well, because it feels like she got the last word in, but oh well. Why am I even allowing myself to feel this way and over something like this?

I haven't snowboarded in over a year and I thought I would take this opportunity that just came up. I'm heading to Mammoth this weekend and will get two days worth of snowboarding. Mother Nature, Sunshine, and decent snow. I really need this. Being in tune with myself helps me resolve any issues I have with myself :)

The Quirks of Trying to Get to Know Someone

This entry isn't specifically social anxiety or panic attack focused, however those things still affect me. Even though I'm still affected by SA, it's not so much of a focus for me as it has been in the past. It's more of a workable situation for me rather than debilitating "thing" for me.

As the title of this entry is called "The Quirks of Trying to Get to Know Someone"... It involves myself in a light I haven't been in awhile. I wrote about the initial situation in my previous entry and the whole situation has went from Hot, Warm, Cold and back to Luke Warm. I know this person's head isn't where she wants it to be. I'm also not the type to keep at it or chase. I give as much freedom and I keep posted as I feel I should. I good night here and there and if the person feels like chatting, then I'm there.

There have been situations with curious flirting involved. Talks about meeting up next time I'm in town  and just hanging out.  I think, because I joke around too much, that she doesn't believe me or has a hard time believing me that I'm actually in town.

I'm not really hard pressed about hanging out, but... I am a bit dejected in a sense. I feel as if I did put myself out there a bit to get to know this person. I have no idea what's happening on her side of the wall, but.... I don't know. I can only assume and I tend to overanalyze things and that's my problem. I told her last night I'd hit her up and see what her plans are like. I've texted her two times today, which was met with no response. I'm assuming the worse or interpreting things as "okay... things are cool, I'll just clip this situation".

I plan to make one last attempt to just say, "hey if your free and want to hangout.. maybe we can catch a movie, if not... cool. I'll catch you some other time" but basically... some other time means.... never.

I don't like getting myself or putting myself out there and having this type of situation. I know there's a lot of other things involved in this "situation" but, yah... I'll probably meet up with another friend tonight and just vent out about this situation. Hehehe... I don't know what I'm doing and as exciting this ride has been, I also don't like how much I anticipate things.

Next time...

interest(ed)

This doesn't happen often, or maybe I don't have my eyes and ears open as often. A few weeks ago, during Christmas, when I visited my friend and had that panic-sweat-outburst... I seem to have made an impression on one of the ladies in the crowd. I received a message from her a few days later and we've been texting each other ever since.

Now, there's a few complications that stand in the way, but besides that... I'm starting to recall those feelings of when you have a "crush". The feelings you get when... you start to question your every move, response, reaction towards the other person. You think about, did i message too early, did I say too much, am I being to dull?

Then, with social media (Facebook, twitter, etc), you get a glimpse of the person's thoughts. So, then you start to assume things like... "ohhh she's definitely not over that person, but she's trying to get to know me... but what can really happen between us?

I'm getting all these thoughts and all these feelings. I'm getting all these quick reactions and judgements. I'm starting to question myself on certain things, then... i sit and think about it. Oh yah, there's those other  complicated factors that's not even into play, yet I'm here on the other end wondering if our banter will escalate into an actual voice-phone conversation and eventually person to person hangout.

I don't know... Now I remember why I stressed so much in college, but also felt alive. :)

New Years Eve

My NYE has been pretty much the same for the past 4 or 5 years. I've spent it by staying in. Mainly by default, but also because I'm comfortable that way. However, I hate the "lying" part. I have to pretend or tell coworkers that I'm probably spending it with friends or that I have to work. That is the part I feel guilty or ashamed of. I just feel as if I will be looked at as pathetic if I'm not out doing anything.

It is true this year that I have to work. I'll be spending the morning, 9 am to 1 pm, working. I have to be on a conference bridge while I verify web files for our web release. Yeah, its cool that I have that to fall back on as an excuse... but there's just something about how I am spending my NYE (or possibly my life) this way.

There's a part of me that wants something different, yet I've balked or avoided opportunities to be out. I could of gone to San Diego and spent NYE with my cousin's family in law. I could of went back home and spent it there. I possibly could of spent it briefly with a friend, which I've missed certain chances to meet up with.

I do feel changes are a foot and I'm feeling different. I feel older. As lost or out-of-control as I can feel, I also feel good and in-control of the possibilities.

My love-life is relatively the same, yet I've noticed a few things. Maybe, it's because I'm older or the fact that I'm out there more (compared to previous years). I think just being out at gatherings and more in front of people stirs up more interest.

Financially, I'm stable again and I'm able to save and payoff a lot of things. I'm trying to make the most of things.

Social Anxiety... well that's another story. I no longer have those fears of even stepping into places like Target or Grocery Markets. I'm still shaky at restaurants, depending on who I'm with, but I've been okay lately. It's a toss up with me when I'm at family & friend gatherings. I can be cool as ice and play along with people joking, but I can be the opposite the next time and break a sweat with just a glance. With me, it's all about confidence. When I'm confident going into something, I can go a long way. When I'm unsure and in self-doubt going into anything, then I'm basically dead in the water.

Health... I am not as healthy or fit as I was a year ago. I've been battling my weight, but I'm on track. Maybe I've lost a step or two, but I just have to keep on trucking.

Much more things to reevaluate and goals to setup. I look forward to the new year and I would like to wish everyone a warm and welcoming 2012.

Peace and Love,

Mr Shy & Timid

Post Christmas/Holiday Rant

I'm so tired. I don't know why I force myself to stay up when I know I should knock out. Today's been a long day. I've been eating non-stop these past three days. I woke up in the morning with intentions to go run. I kept hitting snooze, so my intentions to run turned into intentions to walk. As I was about to head out the door, my cousin and his family were about to hit up some breakfast. I joined and I tried eating healthy. I had a semi-panic-sweat attack. On a scale of 1 through 10 it was a 4. The area I was in felt stuffy. I was in a corner booth on the edge, cramped with 4 adults and 2 kids. I'm not sure what triggered it, but I was fine. Once we got the food and we started eating, things started to feel closed off. I started to get all claustrophobic. An older cousin saw me sweating and said, "the salsa is pretty hot huh". Salsa wasn't that hot, but it and coffee contributed to my "warm" feeling. I had to down some ice cold water and not eat anything.

Once I cooled down, I was fine. The worse part of the morning was losing my phone :( After that the whole day was just a very long day. However, I would say I did some things I probably wouldn't do under normal circumstances. I called and talked to the restaurant. I talked to a group of girls that took over the booth I was at. I called around and talked to the restaurant one last time before I took off on my long drive. If I wasn't occupied by the thought of losing my phone, I'd say that doing all those social exposures was amazing.

Okay... on top of that, I feel fat, unhealthy, extremely irritated being in my skin at the moment. I feel like my stomach sticks out and I keep viewing myself in the mirror as this hideous and monster looking thing. On other days I feel good about myself, but I think all to his holiday indulgence just left me feeling beside myself.

I don't like this feeling. I need to clean up my diet, possibly do a salad-only detox for this week and do more walking and eventually jogging. Once I'm in shape, I'll get back into running.

Night Night!

Christmas Anxiety & Panic Moment

Last night I had one of the most intense panic moments I've had in awhile. My anxiety wasn't as bad and I was looking forward on visiting my friend (who recently became a proud new father). The party was going to be held at my older cousin's house. I first stopped by other my cousin's house and was riding with them to the party.

I was more of the "go to" person, because I was closer to the person who was throwing the party. We go and everything's good, regardless of the many staring eyes from all the grown up nieces. I'm greeted by my friend and his wife and baby. I was happy. Now here comes the very intense part.

My cousin and his wife were holding the baby and every things swell. I saw my cousin started to get sweaty but I didn't say anything. I greet the other people in the house and I'm offered some drinks. I start hitting the beer, because I need something to calm me down. I was anticipating something, and that something happened. My name is called and they want me to hold the baby. I was put on the spotlight. I felt all eyes were on me and they were. All of a sudden, I break sweat. My cousin's wife see's it and points it out. I start to sweat more. I freak out and I'm in total freak out mode. I ask someone to take the baby, because I'm starting to burn up. My cousin's wife asks if I'm okay and I said yeah.

I get away and Im trying to cool down. I'm hanging out in the hallway like a little kid who puts himself in the corner, because he's shy. I'm just trying to be unseen as I feel my shirt collecting up the sweat. Im playing it off and my cousin see's me. I think he has an understanding. Another cousin comes by and he's pointing things out left and right. I tell him I'm having a panic attack and he ends up announcing it to everyone else. He then realizes he made things worse for me and I think he felt bad afterwards.

After I got over that hump, I talked to my cousin and his wife. My cousin told me he goes through the same thing and especially during interviews and "at-work" situations. It felt good to find out that I'm not the only one who goes through some sort of anxiety-panic-episode, but it just sucks that it happened to me on a very big, front, and centered stage.

With all of that, I was still happy to see my friend, his family, my family, and spend it with people I love.

Happy Holidays!

Weekends are for being miserable?

Weekends tend to bring the grumpier side of me. With all the "reservation", smiles, and polite gestures I put up during the week, I want the weekend to be all to myself where I can sleep-in or be able to stretch my feet out without feeling cramped. However, that's my problem... I limit my own personal space, because I still can't get use to or feel completely comfortable when I have other housemates.

I did a lot this weekend, but I always feel a hint of this grumpiness, moody, anxiety, and depressed state of mind.

I've been watching my calories and also what foods I'm eating as well. I'm slowly getting myself physically active again as I'm quickly melting away the 15 pounds I gained (since August).

Tomorrow is a Marketing Department Holiday Lunch. I'm going to buy some items tonight at the nearby grocery store. I'm planning on baking some Chewy Oatmeal Chocolate Chip Oatmeal Cookies. Trying out a modified recipe, but I don't plan to eat much of my cookies. They're for tomorrow's Marketing Lunch.

Okay... Time to get things going.

Quote on Expectations

"Anger always comes from frustrated expectations." 

- Elliot Larson 

I ran across this quote from a fellow SA blogger. It actually hit me. I find this quote to be very, genuinely, and honestly true in my case. It explains why I have this passive aggressive anger towards my best friend at the moment. It explains why I feel annoyed and irritated at times towards my sister and brother-in-law.

It's hard to dismiss your feelings when you're caught up in the moment, but what can you do but acknowledge your feelings and work through them.

Holiday (Thanksgiving) Recap

This Holiday (Thanksgiving) weekend has been eventful to say the least. I've gone from being excited during the drive home, to feeling extremely unnerved and trapped. As much as I should of been writing thoughts out, I could not get myself to do so. I spent it eating and watching tv, browsing the internet, and watching youtube clips until i knocked out on the dining table.

It was hard at first to explain why I was growing irritated and annoy. It's easy for me to take it out on the people that are close to me and they don't deserve the brunt of it, yet I keep things under lock and key when it's around people I hardly know or don't feel comfortable (as in talking freely to) with.

My thoughts about what was bothering me would drift in and out. I would have flash of moments of knowing what would trigger me, but I sensed there was something deeper or that it had to be building. Maybe it was the onslaught of attention I got during Thanksgiving.

I arrived late for Thanksgiving Lunch. It was held at my aunt's house. I didn't want' to arrive early, but I deserved the rimming for arriving late. My "joker" uncle who I get along well with went at me early. Right when My father and I entered through the door, I held the door open so that my father would lead. All eyes were already on us and I walked behind my father as if he were my shield. Yet, I couldn't escape the barbs and jabs that my uncle was throwing. My apeptite was lost and my body temperature shot up. The room was warm, which I can only imagine it was from the large amount of family and the cooking that took place in the kitchen. I wasn't in a talkative or jokative mood. I was fine after I made a visit to the bathroom to splash some water off of me and to take off my light jacket. I found a seat and made my way into it as if I was trying to hide and be tucked into a crevice. My name was called as they kept telling me to get food. I grabbed food, but I wasn't hungry. I sat with my cousins on my moms side of the family and talked with them. The food wasn't too great, but the family exerpience wasn't bad. Later on that night, my friend invited me to go have thanksgiving at my cousins house. My friend was also having his baby shower there. I said I would go, but I literally had the "shakes". I was anxious and nervous about going. Even thought it was my cousins house, it was filled with aunts and uncles of my friend. I didn't really know anyone personally and they probably remember me as that short chubby kid.

I make my way, greet my friend. They offer me a shot of vodka and I happily take it. I give my gift (a very generous gift, because he is my childhood friend) and I get settled in. They tell me to go eat and grab a plate inside, but I just finished eating hours ago. Then I get the jokes about being single. My cousin is already drunk and is harping on me. They joke with me saying, come inside... there's a lot of girls and we'll announce that you're single. It was all in good fun and jokes, but they literally did what they said they would. I go in with them, they make an announcement that I'm single and available. I was under the spotlight as usual. I put on a smile as all eyes were on me. I got to see my nephews and niece who are so big now. I got to see my friend's nephews and niece who are so big now. In all honestly, I think I can tell my friends nieces were all eyeing me... but its hard to take that seriously after being announced in such a way and not to mention that I still view them as the small kids I grew up with as a teenager. Not to mention, they're all taken.. but none-the-less I could tell they were eyeing me, staring and smiling.

After that round, I head out towards the garage area to drink and talk sh*t with the boys. That's when I get piled on. My cousin does the whole schpill on .. man you're thirty? okay, i just want to make sure nothing's wrong with you like your cousin "so and so" and that your okay. My friend tries to back me up by saying... hey he's single and good looking, he's still enjoying the field. Then my cousin tells me it's time I need to settle down. I tell him that I'm okay and that I look forward to settling down by 35 (which is a lie). It's werid..because.. I assume they think the world is my oyster, yet I'm crippled when it comes to talking and meeting women of my age. I don't try to kick or play games. I'm geniune when it comes to conversation and I try to treat everyone with a geniune style. If I come off snobby, it's because I'm intimidated or extremely shy. And if it looks like I only talk to a certain crowd, it's probably because they're the only ones I feel comfortable with and I cling on for dear life hoping they won't leave me alone in a corner.

So I did have a good time that night, but the day after... I think all those barbs and jokes I took to the head kind of got to me. Then things piled on more. I was suppose to meet up with a friend that night. I really do understand that everyone's busy and everyone else has familes to be with. However, I can't help but feel... feel "bad" about certain things. Usually when I hear from friends saying "oh we need to hang out, please we need to" I do make time for them. All they have to do is hit me up when I tell them I'm in town. So this and that happens and then I follow up to see if things are going down still and... Well it doesn't and understanably so. However, that doesn't dismiss the fact that I feel like... "oh okay.. i guess" and I know that I won't get hit up again and I'll probably get hit up a month later like nothing happened and I'll hear the same sentiments about meeting up. As much as I'll play it off, it does bug me.

I think that triggered a lot of things for me. Then my sister and brother in law made it into town. I was very accomodating at first, helping prepare dinner... then..  I get annoyed for some reason. I started making passive aggressive comments. My sister made a coment about this commercial where she saw a cool handle bar mustache. So I blurted out.. ohh.. so you're cool with that, but when I grew mine out you talked sh*t about it. Then she saw soemthing about the "Kindle Fire" and I kind of went off on that. I told her that I asked her what she thought about it and she said she rather have boots.. and now she's saying she wants one? Stuff like that bothers me, because I was planning on getting that for her as a christmas gift, but she makes it difficult. She'll either tell me I can get her "this" gift then have her fiance buy the gift for her.

So the next day... a lot of that "black cloud" feeling wouldn't go away. I jsut felt more and more irritated. My mom made a joke to my sister that she was going to accompany me to do shopping, because I had no girlfriend to go with. I literally felt upset. I didn't want to go anymore. I sort of threw a fit about it. I went to go walk and came back and my mom still wanted to go. I just felt pissy and I sort of did take it out on my sister, because she said she wanted to go the day before... and now she didn't want to.

So... they take off yesterday, and I end up overeating when I get back from a day of shopping. I never hear back from my friend who canceled on me and I cancel on my friend who invited me to go see a movie. I avoid writing and I allow myself to sulk in this negative feeling. This morning, I was suppose to be on a conference call, but... it got delayed and will be working tonight.

I decided to workout and I faced a lot of thoughts during that workout. I had these thoughts or resentment towards another cousin. I'm sure if he's drunk, he'd harp on me also about being single. I had these thoughts of where I would raise my voice back at them and tell them.. "where were u guys when I needed you guys the most... You guys abondoned me during my high school year leaving me with no one" and then i started to think about that... I'm thinking "that's why I have a hard time hanging out with groups of people and I only work well with smaller groups." I just feel so jaded soemtimes. I feel so "left on the side of the road" yet... when I have the opportunity to be on the fast lane... I'll avoid it.

So.. it's like... yes there could be outside factors that made me feel socially inept and inadequate, but when it comes down to it... I'm as responsible for moving on and developing from it.

So .. those are my thoughts today... as I get ready and pack my belongings for my drive back to my apartment.

Happy Holidays

Squeezing in Time for Freewriting

It's been a long time since I've sat down in a quiet space. Allowing myself to freely think and self-reflect. The month's just go by fast for me. My half-marathon training is over and I'm sad to say that I've stopped working out. It all hit me at once. After completing my marathon and dealing with leg camps and dehydration. I was swamped with work, working late night hours for a web release. With the amount of hours at work and the amount of hours at sleep, compounded by the stress and tension in the work environment... I was bound to get sick and I did. I caught the bug that was floating around the office. I'm better now, but I have this lingering cough and slight chest congestion. I haven't ran in two weeks now. I actually did run the other week, but one time out of the whole week doesn't really count. I've been eating out for lunch and the late hours at work keep for a very unstable and bad forming habit.

I want to change all that. I finally worked out this weekend.  No freelancing, no crazy weekend work hours. I grabbed too much sleep on Saturday and felt a bit out of place. I had this thought in my head how I always put a smile on my face and somehow feel like I pretend to be happy, when the truth is... especially that day... I felt like crap. I felt out of my zone. I felt out of my comfort zone and I didn't know what to do to get it back. I've been unhappy about any weight gain I might have accrued. I'm unhappy with just feeling unhealthy.

It took me awhile, but I did workout on Saturday. I focused on strength training. I slept great on Saturday. I woke up with just the right amount of sleep and I did nothing but watch football all day. I worked out again focusing on strength training (with my legs this time). Tomorrow I plan to wake up bright and early to go for a nice easy jog. It won't be easy, but I'll take it a slower pace. Hopefully it doesn't rain, because I know that wil deter me from running.

So that's where I'm at. I work Wednesday night for a special web release, so I'm not sure when I'll be taking off on Thanksgiving for my parents house. I'll probably miss Thanksgiving Lunch, but make it for Thanksgiving leftovers and have it for dinner. My best-friend will be in town. Hopeful I'll get to meet up with him and catch up on stuff.

The holidays are here. I never really enjoy them, but I'm fortunate to have a much more stable financial situation this year. I can feel good about spending and even give out ifts this year. I only give out gifts to those that are close to me.

Anyways.... that's where I'm at... physically, mentally, and... spiritually I guess.

Till next time.... Happy Holidays!

I Miss...

... Writing.

At times it's my worse enemy, because I'm left alone with my thoughts. However, at times I miss it dearly.  Why? Because it means I don't get enough time to myself. I haven't had time to self-reflect on things. On life. On my life. On how I'm making progress and how I feel about being 30. I need to make time in the near future, but until then... I'll be busy working.