I'm Still Here...

I haven't written as much lately. I haven't given much thought and/or focus on my anxieties lately. But I still have them. I've been kind of all over the place. At the moment, I have some frustration and anger issues (if I am to be honest). It's not directed at one thing or one person. It's not even directed at my social anxieties and or panic attacks. My thoughts have just been all over the place and here's what has been going on lately...

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Aging a Bit with Scattered Thoughts
I have an idea where I'm going with this entry, but I can't say I have a clear route. I'm just freely typing this with my mind drifting in and out while I listen to some music. I haven't done this in awhile. Think, write, vent... The last time I wrote here was when I was stressed out and pissed about my last workplace.

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I'm now at another place. Instead of working as a front-end developer, I'm now a designer. It's a change of pace. Instead of being hammered for things and being called into meetings that take up the whole day, I'm on the creative side of things. I am happy to see that the people around me seem to like what I've done so far. Financially and career wise, I'm at a good place right now.

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Three years in a row, I've signed up for a half marathon that happens the first Sunday of November. In June, I did a 3 month training program that over trained my legs. However, for this up coming half-marathon, I'm only on a 2 month routine. I don't think it's working for me. I'm just now getting serious and my running fitness sucks at the moment. My recovery time isn't as quick as it use to be.

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I turned 31 last week. Last year, I was more open to acknowledging my Birthday. This year, I don't know. There's something in me that makes me dread it. I don't like being like this. I'm alive right? I'm doing better than anyone back home and doing okay on my own over here in my part of the world.

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Last month I had to help my parents sort some sh*t out. I'm still involved in this mess that's on going. I found out that this Home Security Monitoring company has been scamming my parents. Reading up on all these consumer reports and how helpless people feel with the contract they blindly signed up for. Lawd-have-mercy. This situation only came into light, because this shady business showed up in my credit report. It's frustrating to deal with this and to see how easy it is for my parents to give up or not put up a fight. The scary thing that gets me, is that I'm old and that means my parents are old-old (if that makes any sense) and that scares me. It's no longer myself who goes to my parents for support. It's starting to become a pivitol point where my parents are turning to me for support. Scary.

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Also, with all the people back in my hometown, that are much younger than me, getting married and/or having there 2nd or 3rd kids. It only makes my parents more vocal. They want grand kids.  This upcoming holiday season, I anticipate a barrage of jokes and inquiries about me being single. I don't know or think I'll handle it well this year. The fact that I will be 31 and my aunts, uncles, and parents still see me as single. For pete's sake, my aunts and uncles got married in there 20's. The expectations they have for me, is what I think makes me feel like sh*t sometimes. Yet, I put on a face, dust it off, and try not to show any type of hostility towards them. Drink a few shots of whiskey and I'll be fine.

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Seeing a photo of my nephew/godson when he was probably 2 years old (6 years ago) makes me trip. My cousin's kids... seeing how fast they're growing makes me feel... "where the hell did the time go?"

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Yes, I'd love to be in a committed relationship, possibly married, and yes I'd love to have kids too. Yet that's not something I'm in pursuit of nor is it something that has presented itself to me. I don't feel that it's something needed, yet at times I do feel isolated and lonely. I don't feel confident in many aspects and thoughts like this freak me out.

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It's official. Turning 31 is bumming me out. It shouldn't, but it is. I'm open to anything. I try not to let expectations get me down, but I'm ready for anything that comes my way and I'll take things as they come. Here's to being 31 this month.