Monday, January 31, 2011

5-Minute Freewriting #26

I woke up in the middle of the day again. I did better today waking up at 10 am rather than at noon. I feel a little beat up. I cut out drinking coffee at night, but staying up till 4 a.m. and trying to wake up makes me feel strung out (not that I know what strung out really feels like). I'm a bit bum. I've said that when it rains, it pours. That seems to be cast. I was overwhelmed with the amount of smaller projects I received. Now, it seems small things involving potential work or work itself is falling apart little by little. A client/friend and I had a long video conference yesterday. I was frustrated that no design was chosen still, yet they want something built out ASAP. Instead he will be building out a design himself, which is fine, but as a designer I'm a bit baffled. You want me to design and produce a website, but then the client opts for a iWeb theme from a Mac instead. Go figure, but that's how things usually work. I remember in the corporate world, the most talented designers would present this nice flash based website and it's capabilities. The higher ups would nod there head and be in awe, then the following week they would be in disagreement and seem to prefer a power point presentation as there new website rather than what was presented earlier.

*SIGH* I need to change things. I don't like how I'm feeling right now. I can feel it's a combination of what I'm eating and how I'm dealing with the stress...

Sunday, January 30, 2011

5 Minute Freewriting #25

It's hard to let go. Let go of control. Let go of restrictions. Let go of fitting into a certain format. I started writing yesterday. I found myself trying to organize my writing and fit it in a chronological hierarchy. I ended up writing too much, in detail, about past weeks when I nearly wanted to make the point that I recognize certain patterns. I have the writing on a notepad, but I've become very unmotivated in finishing it. I also realize that I've neglected the magic of freewriting. No boundaries. No restrictions. No rules. No limits. I can change the topic without looking back or not. I'm not restricted to one point or another. It's a good way to vent and get ideas.

I woke up this morning feeling strung out. Strung out from a coffee binge. Control. I have a hard time with control. I either have too much control. Or I might become over-controlling in my routine, that I end up wanting to get away from what I was trying to control.

I'm trying to get back to where I was, but that can be difficult. Instead of trying to return to the same form, I probably should strive to progress and build from there. Set out for short term goals and eventually lead up to my bigger goals. It's hard. You tend to look back and get discouraged from any small occurences. I weighed-in yesterday and lost a pound. I weighed-in this morning and gained 3. This is what I mean with discouragements.

Music can be a game changer. The only problem for me is that I get tired of my music within days, because I have it on loop 24/7.

Current music on loop. Korean Pop Music.

"T.O.P - Turn It Up"
The song is hella swag and the video is swag on a hundred. I can't explain it, but it makes me feel like I'm exuding swag when dressing up. Hella swag.

Saturday, January 22, 2011

Lunch & Deodorants

Today was eventful for me. I set out to be more active this week: active with my projects, cbt, and social exposure. For the most part, I've succeeded in being active in all three areas.

I planned a lunch meetup with two former coworkers. I chatted with them online and talks of possible freelance/contract work came up. One coworker is skilled and tries to be positive, while the other coworker complains and is very negative. The positive coworker and I knew we wouldn't be able to discuss the job opportunity with the negative coworker during lunch, so we actually planned another lunch meet-up between the two of us next week.

***

I got ready for the days lunch meet-up and I've also been trying this over-the-counter clinical strength anti-perspirant. It claims to have a 24-hour wetness protection (or wetness resistance). You put it on before you go to bed and it works throughout the day, even after you shower in the morning. How effective is it? It's okay at best. For me, it doesn't fully keep me dry, but I recognize my shirt's don't really show any big sweat marks. It also helps that I don't freak out or give too much thought about my underarm sweating as much as I use to.

***

I'm dressed, ready and on the road for this beautiful, sunny, 75 degree, Southern California, 30-minute commute to a Sandwich joint. The food was great, especially when my (negative) coworker treated us to lunch. Everything was good, except for the negative coworker. It was nice talking to him, and I entertained his thoughts and beliefs, but it was very draining. I felt like I became his therapists. He's very negative about the workplace and stubborn with his own beliefs. He talks about how crappy the place is and how crappy the authority figures are. He talks about how I shouldn't fancy the thought of doing work for the company. He goes on to say how happy I look (which I have no idea how he came up with that conclusion), implying that it's a result from quitting the company nearly 8 months ago. It was hard to sprinkle "random" life topics to the conversation, but I endured. My other coworker had to keep a tight lid on "work" talk, because he had to endure more of that when they headed back for work.

I don't know how to explain it, but I felt very drained. On my drive back home, I felt like I just sparred in the ring for a few rounds. I had to stop by and get coffee, just so I could get back to working on a design layout. I chatted online with the positive coworker. We scheduled another lunch, but this time just himself and I. We both mentioned how draining it was at lunch. I can understand and feel for my (negative) coworker, but he doesn't do anything to change it. Everything he complains about is really a projection of how he see's himself or feels about himself. It's hard to explain. I know things are easier said than done, but he is miserable because he chooses to be miserable. For someone who despises and complains about the workplace—he also discourages the new temp workers to not take a full-time position—why doesn't he put his money where his mouth is? Why doesn't he quit, even if he doesn't have anything lined up, and figure things out for himself and I'm sure he'll find out how "valuable" he is to himself and any company that would seek him. I really don't mean to talk down on this person, because he is a good guy and he has good intentions (he just chooses to the opposite side).

On paper, I seem to have done a good job on everything. All the positives I have going for me and the progress made are there, but for one reason or another, I can only feel the stress of today's events. There are somedays where you realize that life is more than just Social Anxieties. That there is other sh*t out there. There there are worse scenarios. Today could have been one of those days, but the main sticking point is that I "experienced" rather than avoided.

Thursday, January 20, 2011

It Was Just a Dream...

This is one of those rare moments where I still remember or I can still recall a dream I had before waking up in the morning.

I have bits and pieces of the dream playing in my head, but it brought out a few insights about myself that I'm aware of.

From what I can recall, the dream was from my point of view and involved myself, a caucasian women (slightly sun tanned, short dark blond/brown hair and brown eyes). There was a third person involved as well, but there isn't a physical appearance or gender associated with this person.

It felt like the girl and I had a type of history with each other. Not a romantic relationship of any kind, but some sort of bond was there that implied we knew each other pretty well. It's hard to remember the location or place we were at, but I have glimpses of the beach and inside a stadium or some type of sports event-bleacher setting.

Prior to waking up this morning, the dream ended with this girl interrupting a conversation I was having with the third person. The girl is facing the other person explaining that I shouldn't be trusted or taken too seriously. As she is explaining this, she turns her face now looking at me and finishes it with a statement. I can't recall the exact words, but the sentiments imply that I couldn't be trusted or that I get too comfortable and act differently.

So, I woke up and I must have been lying on my left arm, because it fell asleep and had that tingly feeling. I had to ease into it until blood was circulating in my arm and I was functional. I laid in bed thinking about that dream, because I seriously don't have dreams that I can vividly recall. The feeling I got from the dream or the message I'm interpreting from the dream, reminds me of moments where I've gotten really close to people. I mean close, where we are able to share personal experiences and I'm often looked towards for comfort, a good ear, and a gentle but honest opinion. And during these times or moments, I have gotten too comfortable with the person where I might have joked or poked light-heartedly at a sensitive situation that I shouldn't have approach in such a demeanor.

That's the whole message and feeling I got from the dream upon waking up. It's pretty amazing that I can still recall the dream, well into the afternoon. I took a break from my work, laid on the couch with my dog and I was able to recall the dream.

Maybe I psychoanalyzed the sh*t out of the dream, but it's interesting. It's interesting that I recall or remember a dream. It's interesting that the person of interest in my dream is someone I don't know in real life. And, the underlying message seems to be something out from left field for me (but then again, maybe not, because everything is relative and everything is connected).

Monday, January 17, 2011

Axillary Hyperhidrosis

Axillary Hyperhidrosis is the excessive sweating in your underarm area. Some people are fortunate enough to go without the uncomfortable and embarrassing feelings. When you're shirt starts to feel soaked and your body feels flushed, it's hard to feel FRESH (even if the sweat is not apparent).

Axillary Hyperhidrosis wasn't anything I worried or had anxieties about, up until last year. It's very weird how my focus has shifted towards underarm sweating. As a result, it has caused me to be much more self-conscious towards that region resulting in more underarm sweating.

Before accepting this problem, I would have thought that I was average or maybe slightly above. Now that I look back at it, I notice that all my old work undershirts had yellow stains. This is due to the deodorant/antiperspirant you use getting on your clothes mixed with sweat. That's how I know I sweat, but I never really recognized it or felt great anxiety about it while at work. Even during times of meetings or presentation's, I never had feelings of "oh my gosh I can't raise my arms up because it's sweating." That didn't occur till recently (possibly 6 month's ago).

It's a bad cycle. I think the focus on my sweating (facial and underarm) caused more anxiety towards it. My diet (a lot of caffeine) did not help. There's a lot of factors you have to take into consideration. I really don't look to do any botox or surgery of any kind.

I was very reluctant at first to try any strong antiperspirants, because of the aluminum ingredients and articles linking the ingredient to cancer and Alzheimer's.

Knowing I'll be taking to client's more or taking up interviews (for jobs), and going out more to social situations... I decided to try out clinically proven products.

The main turning point for me is that my thoughts/focus is not on my sweating anymore. Yes, it still happens, but it's not as intense. Also, worrying about it when it's happening only makes it worse. I've learned how to take preparations and to not give it as much attention as I use to. When you're feeling confident, go with it. When you're having a bad day, dress accordingly.

It's all in how you view things. I've been able to realize more and more that my thought focus has shifted and my feelings and behaviors have followed.

5 Minute Freewriting #24

I got a very late start on the day again. It's on an going occurence that I need to work on. I woke up right before noon. I woke up to hit snooze on my alarm clocks at 8, 9, 10, and 11. I was in bed by 2 am, but was watching a movie and didn't go to bed past 3 am. I woke up very tired. My dog hopped onto bed limiting my movement.

I woke up tired and to a few emails that made me realize, "I need to get up and start on some work".

I wanted today to be productive. I've been slowly including forms of social exposure to my routine. I went to Target to buy some personal products. I've been researching and looking into clinical antiperspirants. I've been okay with axillary perspiration, but it is still more than average. I no longer feel the anxiety or have much anxiety about it or have intense panic attacks bout it.

It's now well into the afternoon and I just feel very out of it. My dog is falling asleep right by me. I just googled up some stuff relating to chemistry. I'm creating a website for a Chemistry Professor. I'm going to manage his FaceBook Business Page, Twitter, and YouTube accounts.

I've been trying to spread out my social (public) exposure all throughout the week. I need to do some grocery shopping. I need to deposit some checks. Instead of doing it all in one shot, I'll do it all throughout the weak and I'll also be testing this anti-persperant I bought.

Thursday, January 13, 2011

Back on the Dentist Chair

As a kid, I've had unfavorable memories of the Dentist Office and the Dentist Chair. I remember the receptionist and assistants always being polite. However, I always hated sitting in the chair. Being knocked out or hallucinating from the laughing gas. I just remember waking up with silver teeth and my mom would treat me to McDonalds for some french fries afterwards. I loved that part, yet I couldn't enjoy the Happy Meals because my lips & gums were either numb or sensitive to the touch.

Now as an Adult, I really don't mess around with my dental hygiene. I went almost 10 years during high school to working after college without seeing a dentist. It was horrible. I remember that I had a hole in one of tooth and it was slowly decaying. It wasn't until I was in pain after eating so much Halloween candy in 2005 that I saw a dentist. I ended up getting an emergency root canal. Once I got dental insurance and a stable job, I had regular dental check-ups. I've gone through fixing up 10 cavities in one year, followed up with getting all wisdom teeth removed. A year later, I got braces put on and two years later I finally have them off. If I brush my teeth and floss consistently, then I should be cavity free and in great shape.

I never thought or worried about panicking on the dentist chair until I learned what Social Anxiety was. I went from being tense and alert on my visits, but never knowing what SA and Panic Attacks were. Then knowing what SA was, I worried and psyched myself into waves of panic attacks. Now, I feel that I'm passed this phase and I see myself as someone recovering/healing and not worried or controlled by the fear of panic.

TODAY'S APPOINTMENT

I got to my appointment on time, was seated in the chair. I got x-rays taken, then all of a sudden I felt these small waves of thoughts that were leading me to panic. I giggled to myself at them and I realized that I didn't have to fight against it. I allowed myself or told my thoughts, "if I'm going to panic then let's do it." More than anything, it turned out to be just a small case of the nerves and everything cooled off. I felt my body tense up at times, but as soon as it tensed, I realized I was holding my breath and so I would gradually relax.

I really did get better at catching myself tensing up and finding myself just automatically unwinding when I would get tense. It was nice to be out in the sun today. Driving on the freeway and around town. I went to Target to buy some mouthwash and did fairly well making eye contact and not feeling embarrassed to be in my skin. I felt comfortable and even upon walking out, there was a solicitor asking for donations. I just nodded and replied "sorry, I can't help" and walked away without feeling guilty or embarrassed.

I know I've probably said the same thing before or shared the same sentiments, but I really do feel change and a more positive outlook. I do acknowledge it and it's times like this that you should pat yourself on the back and praise yourself for the good thoughts, feelings and actions that you're able to do.

"Challenging yourself is important, but so is knowing your limits."

The above quote is true and if you keep challenging yourself… You're limits begin to expand to greater limits.

5 Minute Freewriting #23

Tomorrow I have a Dentist appointment. It's one of those six month check-ups. I hardly have any trouble with the visits, but my last visit was a bit uncomfortable to say the least. After a year of convincing myself (or maybe I was faking my way into it), I told myself that I wasn't nervous or prone to a panic attack. This came a time when all I thought about was facial and armpit sweating when out in public.

I get to the dentist office, I'm laying down on the chair/bench and they're cleaning my teeth. My Dentist pauses and asked if I'm still drinking coffee. It was that moment, that exact moment, it made me so self-conscious. I giggled and laughed as it was humorous to me. However, I still took the question a bit too serious. It meant that the Dentist definitely noticed my coffee stained teeth. Even though it was all in joking manner, it made me very self-conscious and I fought hard to not break a sweat. That question initiated a mirage of questions of "Am I starting to sweat? Do I feel a sweat bead forming? Am I really freaking out right now?"

Shortly after that, I started to form sweat beads. I felt wave of panic and I started to feel flush. I excused myself and asked for a paper towel. They asked if I was okay and I explained that I was starting to sweat. They probably thought that they drilled or cleaned a little too close to my gums. At that moment, the Dentists says, "Oh, you are.... I didn't even notice."

That pointed out one important thing to me. That I was the only one focused on my sweating. Even if someone else noticed it, I was the one who put pressure on myself.

So with that being said. I absolutely have no anticipatory anxiety tonight. I'm actually going to bed early tonight, because I've been waking up at noon for the past few days and I really don't want to end up oversleeping or worse, missing my appointment.

Tuesday, January 11, 2011

Quick Rant #6

My sleep schedule has been off. It's probably due to the one night last week where I stayed up 30+ hours. It's now 4:38 a.m and the past few days I've been going to bed at 4 a.m. To offset my horrible sleeping hours, I'm going to stay up the whole day and try to go to bed at a more decent hour tonight (midnight?).

Saturday, January 8, 2011

5 Minute Freewriting #22

Happy New Years! After a week or so back home, and now a week back in the apartment. I feel very unproductive. I tried organizing all my stuff. I tried to get all my priorities in order and shift my focus on what needs to be done. Yet, I found myself easily distracted or allowing myself to checkout as a way to NOT COPE with reality (Job, Career, Finances, Bills, etc).

I feel as if I'm digging myself deeper and deeper into a hole. Surprisingly enough it doesn't feel like it deals with any social anxieties. It deals more with my career and finances. I got my car insurance situation out of the way. However, I have a slightly higher premium then what I was paying last year and this is because of a speeding ticket I couldn't clear up. I worried about having no projects or work coming my way, but that was slightly comforted. The main client/company I've been working as a contractor with still keeps in contact with me and I was in a conference call with them earlier this week.

I've been paid for small side projects and I've got a couple of more website projects coming up from other (small) clients as well. But where I keep digging myself into a hole is this whole UNPRODUCTIVENESS. It's really unbelievable at this point. I've lost focus on diet and fitness.

** end of 5-minute**

I can feel it in my body. It's like it has invaded my body and thoughts. I feel sluggish, I lost muscle tone and I can't get myself to work on my projects.

Yesterday didn't help. I went to meet up with a friend, because he wants me to create a website for his "mentor". However, this is the type of friend that I knew.... well I knew I would end up drinking a bit and feeling "not-like-myself" when hanging out with him. Our personalities don't clash, but they don't make me feel all to well. He's very assertive and I'm passive. He urges I drink or whatever unhealthy consumption he has and I oblige. I actually handle it better now. I turned down the drinks he kept making, because I was ready to leave his place and he doesn't get mad or is upset if I don't drink. It's more on me where I feel like I have to.

Anyways... So I end up cancelling on this meeting he wanted me to go to so I could meet his professor and I would be there to discuss and help plan the website. I just wasn't up for it, and the drinking from the night before had a role. I didn't want to partake in that again and I also felt ill. My body just feels ill. There's this tension around my neck and it's because I'm glued to computer and the seating is a little off.

However, I'm making little progress. I'll be talking with his other friend about a website this weekend. I'm starting to wireframe a redesign of my own website. I feel bad, but I think I've totally abandoned this website (pro bono) that I agreed to help on. I've started working on a wireframe design for a friend who already sent me a payment.

Yet I still feel unproductive. It's this stupid video game I downloaded and the thing is I really don't play video games. I downloaded last week and it consumed my time. It's made me stay up till the wee early hours of morning to only wake up in the middle of the day feeling out of place.

I deleted the game, but it doesn't help that I'm reinstalling it so I can play this weekend. Social Anxiety hasn't even been in my thoughts and nor has my panic attacks. Going out to meet with my friend yesterday and going for lunch wasn't really anxiety inducing at all. Driving there wasn't making me sweat. I told myself last year that I would sign up for this "Anxiety and Shyness" group in my area, but I never did. I don't want to make any promises here, but I'll post any breaking news.

Okay, I'm not sure what I've mumbled over the past 10 minutes, but that has been a much needed release.

HAPPY NEW YEARS EVERYONE!

Sunday, January 2, 2011

No Sleep Till Brooklyn

The night just hit me into realization. Not in the Mental or Social Anxiety sense. But in a Career & Financial realization. It also doesn't help that I'm a bit delirious right now. I've been up for about 33+ hours. I've done the full 24 hours back in college, but I'm nearing 40 hours. I'm not at the point where my eyelids are heavy. I'm really at the point where I feel light and like I'm floating. I have a feeling this is going to end badly tonight or whenever I fall asleep. This light and floaty feeling usually means I'm prone to night terrors or night paralysis. Those are horrible. Even though I'm familiar with those dreams or sleep state, I'm still not use to them.

So what started my "no-sleep-up-all-night" behavior? The truth is, and I'm just reading into it now, there is always an underlying reason. I wanted to be distracted. I wanted to "NOT THINK" about the "REALITY" of my life. I know that sounds vague, but… It involves and encompasses many things. From my self-sabotage to self-acceptance. From my "What am I doing with my Career?" to "Are my Finances Even in Order?" From actually getting fit and losing a little weight (even to where I felt good about it) before the Christmas Holiday to completely eating home cooked meals and no workouts. It's all of those things. It's everything. It's me not wanting to realize, recognize and accept things they way they are at the moment. It's me blocking out those thoughts and feelings and becoming pervious to them. It was me wanting to organize my sh*t together for the new year, but realizing what a mess I made here and there in 2010.

So I stayed up playing a Video Game (Civilization V), which is very unlike me to do. However, it got me to not think about my life. These types of games (i.e. The Sims, Civilization, etc.,) where you get to control other people or countries or civilizations and cultivate them…. It always fascinates me. If you look at it (and it probably isn't as deep as I'm making it sound).. I'm more consumed in controlling, playing, reliving someone else's "life" but I don't want to take responsibility and accountability for mine at the moment. It's all bad procrastination.

I finally got myself to sit down and look at my budget, my cash flow, expenses, and debt. I'm fortunate and I'm doing okay. Maybe I'm cutting it close and I'm close to that "living check-by-check" lifestyle, but I do have emergency funds if I needed it. I just don't want to even dip into those funds. So I'll have more stuff to look at an analyze. I can probably cut a little here and cut a little there. Finish up some projects and.. yes… Finally take a longer, and maybe permanent, job. Reality. That's what it is for me right now. That's what I'm avoiding. Mix Social Anxiety and sudden Panic Attacks, and there you have it.

I do feel better. I do feel much more accomplished, but I''ll tell you this… I'm going back and playing my game tonight. Hopefully I'm not up for a full 48 hours, but I want to complete the game.