Sunday, January 2, 2011

No Sleep Till Brooklyn

The night just hit me into realization. Not in the Mental or Social Anxiety sense. But in a Career & Financial realization. It also doesn't help that I'm a bit delirious right now. I've been up for about 33+ hours. I've done the full 24 hours back in college, but I'm nearing 40 hours. I'm not at the point where my eyelids are heavy. I'm really at the point where I feel light and like I'm floating. I have a feeling this is going to end badly tonight or whenever I fall asleep. This light and floaty feeling usually means I'm prone to night terrors or night paralysis. Those are horrible. Even though I'm familiar with those dreams or sleep state, I'm still not use to them.

So what started my "no-sleep-up-all-night" behavior? The truth is, and I'm just reading into it now, there is always an underlying reason. I wanted to be distracted. I wanted to "NOT THINK" about the "REALITY" of my life. I know that sounds vague, but… It involves and encompasses many things. From my self-sabotage to self-acceptance. From my "What am I doing with my Career?" to "Are my Finances Even in Order?" From actually getting fit and losing a little weight (even to where I felt good about it) before the Christmas Holiday to completely eating home cooked meals and no workouts. It's all of those things. It's everything. It's me not wanting to realize, recognize and accept things they way they are at the moment. It's me blocking out those thoughts and feelings and becoming pervious to them. It was me wanting to organize my sh*t together for the new year, but realizing what a mess I made here and there in 2010.

So I stayed up playing a Video Game (Civilization V), which is very unlike me to do. However, it got me to not think about my life. These types of games (i.e. The Sims, Civilization, etc.,) where you get to control other people or countries or civilizations and cultivate them…. It always fascinates me. If you look at it (and it probably isn't as deep as I'm making it sound).. I'm more consumed in controlling, playing, reliving someone else's "life" but I don't want to take responsibility and accountability for mine at the moment. It's all bad procrastination.

I finally got myself to sit down and look at my budget, my cash flow, expenses, and debt. I'm fortunate and I'm doing okay. Maybe I'm cutting it close and I'm close to that "living check-by-check" lifestyle, but I do have emergency funds if I needed it. I just don't want to even dip into those funds. So I'll have more stuff to look at an analyze. I can probably cut a little here and cut a little there. Finish up some projects and.. yes… Finally take a longer, and maybe permanent, job. Reality. That's what it is for me right now. That's what I'm avoiding. Mix Social Anxiety and sudden Panic Attacks, and there you have it.

I do feel better. I do feel much more accomplished, but I''ll tell you this… I'm going back and playing my game tonight. Hopefully I'm not up for a full 48 hours, but I want to complete the game.

1 comment:

  1. Hey. I hope you're not still up. :)

    I do the same things from time to time, everybody avoids things. It's hard. We have so much to worry about and keep on top of--not to mention our anxiety. Sometimes it's good to check out for a bit; although, 40 hours is quite a long time. :)

    - Mike

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