Catching Up

It's been about a few month's since I last wrote on here and many things have changed. I think the main sticking point in the last entry dealt with aging, turning 31. I believe my feelings and frustrations where stemming from my bachelor status. I think I came off a weekend back home where all I heard from aunts that I bumped into, was them telling me "why are you still single" and also seeing friends who have kids already. I do get bummed about that, just because it shouldn't be anyone's place to tell me who I should be with, when I should be with, etc.

However, after going through that slump of negative thinking, I ended up meeting someone. Maybe I'll get into it later, but I'm now in a relationship. It's a healthy, loving, and caring relationship. I was afraid I'd be filled with anxiety about it. I thought she wouldn't understand or get me, but the truth is... we are similar. We're a bit quiet and shy when in social settings with groups. However, she understands me and I understand her. We're comfortable with each other and as a result, I've been able to go out more and do more exposure. I've had moments of panic attacks, but she's so understanding and I've gradually been able to conquer social settings.

Now, fast forward to last night's events. I was part of my best friend's engagement party. It was extremely overwhelming for me. I mean extremely. I was dressed up in a suit and tie for the occasion. I'm one of the only outsiders that's not a direct family member. I'm also someone outside of there culture, as I'm filipino and he's in a pakastani-indian-muslim culture. I was able to expose myself to the elements. I met up with his family and at first I thought that was overwhelming. I had to escape a few times to get fresh air and cool down. I had to go through it and there was a point where I'm in the living room with people I know but I can't connect with and I'm freaking out. I couldn't escape and I told myself I wouldn't. I just dealt with it. After thinking that way, my body temperature cooled down, but my sweating continued. I was fine though and everything was okay.

Then we caravanned to the event and it was extremely overwhelming. 150+ relatives on the fiancé's side. It was stuffy. You're greeting everyone as you go in and it's this whole pomp & circumstance. Everyone's staring. It was crazy. I was fine until I felt the warmth and stuffiness of the house and I started sweating as we lined up to get appetizers. A friend caught it and put me on blast, but in a joking way. It helped break the ice but I had to step outside. It was crazy. I'd deal with that all throughout the night, but the intensity of it would die down. It was a happy occasion and I did feel the warmth, love, and care that everyone had in the house. So I didn't feel bad about my sweating. However, I was frustrated with myself. I'm also mentally exhausted. I can only focus on the negatives and it does wear me out. I think this particular event, this night, was tad bit too much of an exposure. It's one of those things where I had to push myself and jump into the ocean, rather than gradually going from a 3 foot pool and moving into the 10 foot deep end. Yet, I managed.

So I'm just in recovery this morning. Feeling more refreshed, because I allowed myself to sleep in. I'm feeling better about myself and how I dealt with things last night.