Thursday, July 28, 2011

Morning Rant

I know I'm skipping over recent events, (Going to a Birthday Party, Heading back to LA, Feeling sad, feeling uncomfortable, etc.), but I have to start somewhere and I choose to start with Today and reflect on the previous at a later time.

I've been back at my apartment for 2 days now. When I arrived here, I felt really out of shape. I don't know how to explain it, but I did and I still do. I look in the mirror, my face looks rounder (then again, my confidence is low so I look rugged). I know I need to do something, so that way I'm not drowning in self-pity and piling more into this bad self-image. I woke up at 6 am yesterday. First time this week I've been able to do that and I went for a 3 mile walk. I'm not quite ready for a 3 mile run. I've been trying to gauge if I will do a half marathon again. I have about 3 month's to train. My mind isn't quite into, but I'd like to plan out some training schedule. Even if I don't run the half-marathon, It will at least get me back into shape and possibly get me to love running again. I also got myself to go jogging and walking later on in the night.

I woke up this morning at 6, but hit snooze and woke up at 8 am. I'm a bit disappointed, but I'm trying not to beat myself up over it. I have a headache. I'm tired and dehydrated, so I'll take an exception this time. I'll try to workout in the middle of the day and go for a run later tonight.

I'm starting to feel better, physically, as I'm eating cleaner. I've also been busy with projects and building a "farm". Yes, a farm. I use that term loosely. I hope I don't put anyone off by saying this, but I'm building a worm farm. I've been fascinated with Vermicomposting for the past year and a half. I've always wanted to do it. It's good for the environment, it helps reduce waste, it's recycling, and the end product is a rich nutrient for plants. I'll get into what "vermicomposting" is later, but I just thought I'd mention it.

Okay... end of morning rant. I'm glad to be back.

Saturday, July 23, 2011

Understanding My Downers

It took me awhile to get going earlier this month. I came off this sharp decline. I kept at it, worked, and worked some more until I got myself into a slow incline. My projects picked up. My eating habits improved. My activity and workouts became routine. I was on a good roll. I wrapped up a hectic web project. I had another web project shortly following that, but I hit a speed bump.

As a result, I'm on a downer. I felt it last night. I don't know how to explain it, but I had this feeling. Part of it was physical and the cognitive parts followed. I got in a lazy mode and didn't feel like picking up where I left off (work/production wise). I binged on cookies, ice cream, and a lot of coffee. It left me with immediate ups but even faster crashes. I think that's when I knew I was crashing. I over-did it on running during the week. I ran at night, slept for 6 hours, and ran in the morning. My body wasn't use to that and it felt depleted. It allowed me to splurge on sweets as a means of energy and it sent me reeling afterwards.

Last night, I realized all of that. I tried not to eat any sweets before falling asleep. I tried drinking as much water to flush out my system. I woke up this morning with intentions to run. I woke up a little later than I had planned, but I got myself to go. It wasn't the greatest performance, but I did push myself to get going. I didn't run the whole run, nor did I do a full 4 miles. However, I pushed myself to walk, jog, and run at least 2 miles. I did a cool-down stretch workout and I plan on working out later on today again.

I know that I just need to do something. I need to regulate all the bad food I've splurged on and I need to get my thoughts and feelings in check. They're really affected by the sugar crashes.

Monday, July 18, 2011

My Sweating Ordeal: Old Friends & Weddings

After coming back from that SF Trip and returning to reality. I really didn't have a new "goal" to work towards. I got lazy and there were no steps taken for any sort of personal maintenace. I let all sh*t got to waste (or it at least felt that way). My thoughts and my feelings weren't in the same state it was prior and during my SF Trip. I was in the dumps. I was a bit depressed. Why? Just because everything I was working towards ended. Once you climb up that mountain, the only other logical direction is down. That's where I was heading, but in hind sight... I could of been more active so that my descent would of been more pleasant. It took me awhile, but I got myself out of the valley and I'm back on a slower incline.

Mingling with My College Roommate

+ During my Panic and Sweat attack at the wedding ceremony... I'd have to say my old college roommate contributed to it (not intentionally). Prior to the wedding, Ren (my friend getting married) mentioned that our college housemate was in town early and asked about my whereabouts. For many similar reasons I avoid other "old" friends, I wanted to avoid this old college housemate of mine. It isn't because he was mean, or an @ss. It's more of the anxiety I create for myself thinking about "How will I talk to him? How will I react to his stories? How do I be a good host without having to be attached to his hip the whole time?"

In essence, How do I put on a Face, but feel comfortable? He tends to reminisce about our past college experiences and yet that seems to be all we have in common. We haven't kept in touch that often to where we share things that happen within our lives. However, I'll say this... he is a good guy. I went to his wedding, which was about a year or 2 after our graduation. He and his wife also joined a Las Vegas trip I went to for a friend's graduation.

+ Prior to the wedding ceremony, I spotted him and his wife at the church. I wanted to be nice and accommodating knowing I was the only person he'd know and recognize at the wedding (other than our friends getting married). I also knew he'd be seated at my table. So when I greeted him, I wanted it to be short. I was with the groomsmen and we had to be all together. Like every situation, and I know it's "me" who sets myself up into feeling "awkward"... I felt obligated to entertain... I greeted him, greeted his wife, but felt this invisible string that made me feel like I had to stay with them or entertain him. That spiked my anxiety and triggered this nervousness and panic leading up to the start of the ceremony. I caught myself early on that I kept listening to my thoughts ramble while h was talking. It felt like I was just saying yes and nodding to everything he said, yet I didn't take in anything he was saying.

+ At the Wedding Reception, I saw him near the entrance. He made eye contact with me and I didn't want to be rude. I could of easily acted like I didn't see them, but I always put so much pressure on myself. It comes back to the thought of inadequacy. It was this battle of "Not wanting attention" vs "No wanting to be seen as rude" Yet, I knew I had nothing of substance or quality to contribute in conversation. I got a drink, then proceeded to talk to them for a little. However, it ended up being awhile. It was hard to escape that situation. I had that "immense" feeling like I had to be accomodating, yet I felt a tad bit uncomfortable. I would listen to him talk, but all I could hear where my thoughts saying "what do I do.. how do i get out of this". He left me no subtle moments, so I literally had to say "ohh hey.. im sorry, I have to use the bathroom, let me get back to you guys afterwards." After that... I went to the bathroom, then finally got back to my friend (another groomsmen) and finally got my drink that I left with him at the bar area. He said "took you long enough" but he knew the situation I was in. The wedding party group had to wait out in the lobby area, while everyone was suppose to be seated inside the dining area. My old dormmate and his wife stayed outside. I felt bad for his wife, because my roommate made no attempts to bring her into the conversation most of the time. I tried to bring her in and I would often ask questions that pertained to her rather than always talking about past college experiences, in which she wasn't a part of. I kind of hinted that the reception was going to start and that I knew where they were sitting, yet my old dormmate awkwardly said "ohh..yah" continued to prolonged those awkward moments filled with awkward pauses and stares. I told him I ahd to be out here, because we had to make an entrance... It was awkward for me and it caused a small rise in body temperature and panic. However, I felt okay. I knew that the reception hall was warm, because of the direct sunlight coming in and the AC not being turned on.

+ So what was it that caused me to be awkward? So... I was in a pinch. I wanted to socialize with the groomsmen and other people at the party, but felt inclined and obligated to entertain my old roommate who knew no one else at the party. I think the thought or idea of him thinking I would be a "bad guy" if I went around and mingled is what made me feel awkward. My personality to please people and be accomodating applies to this "guilt" trip.

+ I don't think I had a thought of "i'm being judged by other people". But it was me judging myself. It was the "guilt" I was putting on myself. I was making myself miserable. On one hand, I couldn't tolerate the conversation and felt awkward at the table-side dynamic (because he'd leave his wife out of the convo). On the other hand, I felt guilty when I'd step outside or go to another table and drink with other people and have a better time.

This situation is a common occurence. It's a cycle I've seen repeated. This type of circumstance happened in high school, college, and in the work place. Recognizing it is one thing, but preparing for it or "handling it" while it happens is another story.

An Update - Getting Over that Hump

I've been busy over the past week and a half. I've been feeling much better. My thoughts haven't been in the dumps and my spirits feel higher. Having some sort of plan, routine, and structure greatly helped with my depressed state of mind. It was rough for me early in the month, but keeping at it (and whatever "it" is) helped me get going. Even during those days when I felt like doing nothing and that everything I did was wrong... I just kept at it and finally worked through it.

Also, limiting or staying away from all those sweets (cookies, wafers, ice cream, donuts, etc.) helped me feel better. Too much sugar spikes up my energy and leaves me with that immediate crash. I still drink coffee, but I try not to over do it. I've been able to get my mom to walk about a mile, 3 to 4 times a day. I've continued to fit-in 30 minutes of cardio during my lunch hours. I've been trying to wake up early in the mornings so that I could run 3 to 4 miles. Not so much luck, because I've only been able to do that 2 times out of 7.

At the moment, there seems to be a small lull in my workload and I wanted to take the opportunity to vent out my thoughts and past frustrations. I've learned from my past "depressed" state earlier this month and I've taken note from it. Writing has always helped in the process of getting out of a rut, get through a rough patch, staying ahead of things, and helping one personally develop.

So here's where I start my exploration...

Saturday, July 9, 2011

How To Love (Cover)

This is a change of pace on things I normally or tend to post. Before I get back to analyzing myself, I wanted to post this video. It helps sooth my mood... and of course... make's miss that feeling of "falling" in love :)

Thursday, July 7, 2011

My Sweating Ordeal: Social Anxiety & Panic Attacks

This is a topic I constantly talk, mention, and rant about. It's something I know very well. I sound a bit redundant, but I continue to explore this subject. I'm in search for something, possibly the "makings" of my ordeal. What is "it" that causes my panic attacks? What is it that raises body temperature up within seconds? What is "it" that I can do to help alleviate it?

I think I really do need to review certain things. When I go into this frenzy or this "mode", my body is triggered by a thought. The thought can be automatic, sub-conscious, thought or it could be triggered by a spontaneous thought that is sparked from my surroundings. It could be anticipatory, the build up of, anxiety that causes self-doubt within myself leading to an attack. It could be many similar things and a combination of everything mentioned.

What usually happens in my anxiety and panic episodes?
I've found that I've had less "anticipatory" anxieties and I've been better at dealing with worrying over events (functions, meetings, dates, etc.) that I have planned. I'll either avoid avoid it and not put so much guilt on myself or attend and take advantage of the opportunity. However, I still experience "in the moment" and "triggered" thoughts and feelings that spark my anxieties. In turn, it raises up my temperature and I have these mini (and much lower intense) panic episodes. I'll start to sweat, and if I'm not feeling confident or I'm in a poor mood, I'll give into the "OMG, I'm sweating and everyone will notice me" thought and behavior.

Thinking to myself: Okay, that sounds about right. That's a good starting point and it's a great general overview of what I tend to go through. Now, I want to dig a bit deeper. I don't want to give myself the room to escape or runaway. I don't want a vague answer. I want an honest answer.

Thinking of past situations filled with anxiety and panic that caused a breakout in facial (and/or body) sweat…

+ I broke out in sweat during the Airport TSA Screening.
+ I had a few run-ins with Anticipatory Anxiety about Sight Seeing around SF and expecting to have my shirt drenched in sweat.
+ I was a groomsman for my friend's wedding. During the actual wedding ceremony, I broke out in heavy facial sweat. I felt my body temperature rising. I battled smaller sweating incidents throughout the reception.
+ Talking to an old College Buddy at the wedding made me a bit anxious and I would slowly break out into sweat.

The main situations/episodes mentioned above, did not effect my overall positive experience on my trip. The reason being: I felt prepared. I put in a lot of prep-work. I wore appropriate clothing (loser and dark clothes) that made me less conscious about my appearance. It didn't knock down my confidence and I felt like I held my own. What also helped greatly is that I had a game plan. I knew that the wedding was coming up. I was on a normal workout routine. I was eating healthy. I had a "goal" and I took steps to get myself prepared and ready for that "goal".

Sound's good, right? It does, but let's not stop there. It is a victory, but I want to question certain things. When I broke out in sweat during the Airport TSA Screening, what was "it"? Initially, I had anxiety about going through security. I felt a bit more comfortable when my friend told me he gets a rush of nerves during the screening process as well. I felt comfortable that I wasn't the only one.

My thoughts went like this: I feel that the TSA Workers will look at me as someone suspicious. This notion that I'm a brown person with an ambiguous ethnic appearance. I was sporting a thick mustache that slightly curled at the ends. I actually took pride in growing that mustache, but it still gave made me a tad self-conscious about how I would be perceived.

When I did got through the TSA screening, it wasn't until I got all of my belongings, I started to sweat. My friend that I flew out with ran into his friend that worked there. They were chatting away while I stood to the side. I was breaking out in sweat in what felt like a very slow torture tactic.

What was I thinking and feeling?
+ Okay, my friend's talking to his friend. Do I introduce myself? Do I wait for an introduction? Do I just act like I'm doing something else?
+ I'm starting to feel warm, am I going to breakout in sweat? Yes, I really am sweating. Is everyone going to notice? What if they think I look like a suspicious person, because I'm sweating?

Those are the initial, and obvious, thoughts (beliefs) I had. However, looking back at it and trying to drum up those feelings of panic and self-consciousness... I feel that the underlying thought(s) and feeling(s) I have are: "I'm alone. I'm by myself. People are going to recognize that I am by myself. Because the idea of being 'alone' is projected as a horrible thing in society, I feel extremely self-conscious that people will see me as that. I am also projecting my own thoughts of myself onto strangers, and irrationally assuming that they making a wide assortments of judgement on me"

Looking back at everything I wrote...
It's amazing and crazy that my answer, description, and process of thought is written out in such a long verbose way... yet all of those things mentioned happen within seconds. Possibly all at once as well.

The intensity of it all might not have been as great as it once was. I credit that to CBT, Prep-work, and being proactive on situations... but it still can cause havoc and take over if I don't participate in regular maintenance.


The Wedding Ceremony
This situation had more to do with a "Performance Anxiety". It wasn't me that was on center stage, yet I was a person who played a part on stage. I remember feeling nervous about the ceremony. Lining up, walking with my partner down the aisle and lining up again. The moment came, we lined up. I was first in line. Flashing lights from the camera were blinding me. My thoughts were going a bit crazy. I realized I was feeling uncomfortable and I went into a panic state. I was trying to fight myself on not sweating. Rule #1, you'll always lose if you fight it. Just go with it and it will pass by quicker. Once we got in place at the alter, the heat from the lamps above got to me. The first 10 minutes there, standing, I had to keep wiping my face and dabbing myself with my handkerchief. True, there wasn't much attention towards me, but for some reason I brought attention to myself when I told the other groomsmen. I think it helped me to get it out of the way. Shortly after, my body simmered. When we sat down, I was able to regroup. My body cooled off. I felt a bit soaked, but I wasn't sweating out anymore bullets.

My thoughts and feelings during the moment?
I don't feel it was the same thoughts I had during the TSA Screening Situation. Part of my thoughts where "they're going to see me sweating". This sweat attack, I handled well. The intensity of the panic wasn't great, but the only problem was when the sweat started rolling... You can't magically make it stop. I think the expected attention (the church crowd watching you walk down the aisle) is what triggered the thoughts, anxiety, and panic. I also wasn't the only one sweating. Another groomsmen felt the heat under the lamps. I want to be critical on what deep rooted thought caused it, but I can't. It just seemed more of a "in the moment" type of reaction to the environment and I actually handled it well. Once the sweating started, I had initial "fight" but then that subsided and I accepted the sweating. I was able to wipe off the sweat and accept that.. yes, I am on stage and people will probably see me sweating, but... I don't have to feel intense panic or feel utterly horrible about it. It will past and I will feel good.

I think the initial "nerves" and thoughts I put into my head helped trigged my panic. When I started to feel nervous, I started to think "Don't sweat, whatever you do, don't sweat!" I brought more attention to the thought of "sweating" by trying to deny it. I think I should have tried to "accept" it early on rather than deny it… but who know's? The heat from the lamps made me feel warm and that, too, sparked thoughts of "OMG… am I going to sweat?"

Final thoughts on this episode?
I didn't feel defeated, nor did I let it defeat my experience at the wedding. I was with good company the whole night. I wanted to celebrate and I didn't have the feeling or need to worry over everything.

A Note from My 4th of July Weekend

I shouldn't feel upset or sad that I'm not doing anything. I had the opportunity to go out and I still do, but I chose not to. But the feeling that everyone else, other than me, is participating in an American Celebration is a bit somber… like a cloud has been looming over my head the entire day (or week, possibly month).

Tuesday, July 5, 2011

My Struggle to Write

This past weekend I struggled to write. More than anything, I struggled with myself. Below are my writing attempts, before I broke through and wrote a 10-page essay.

***

Sunday, July 3rd, 2011

Today serves as another turning point in my struggles with everything. If I don't deal with my problems (feelings, thoughts, behavior, etc.) then this could be a quick fall. It took me nearly 3 weeks to recover from my Trip to San Francisco. This past week has been very productive in regards to my eating habits and exercise routine. I've been eating more vegetables, cutting down on sugar, and cutting down on Carbs (such as rice and bread). I've been getting my mom to go on daily walks. I've been more productive in my work projects as I've recently shown completed design and production work on a site. I'll admit that I was slow on getting that project off the ground (I took a whole week when I could have done it in 3 days).

So, why is today another turning point? Well, it could be a day where I'm able to deny over-indulgence, not avoid problems, and not succumb to the weekend holiday.


***

Monday, July 4th, 2011

The writing I started yesterday was stopped dead cold in it's track. I allowed myself to find too many distractions. I realized I didn't put much focus. I also realized that I put too much attention to detail and format of my writing rather than letting it all flow out, just like a freewriting exercise, and then gathering up the main points later for an actual legit writing entry. My thoughts are scattered and so should my writing. It will reflect how I'm thinking, how I'm feeling, and how scattered my brain is at the moment.

What stopped me from writing yesterday? Well I recall felling a bit "out of it" and wasn't in the mood for anything. I was a bit critical in my thoughts. I started to realize I was going down a very bad path (binge eating). I started writing yesterday. I was trying to recall things from the past month. I was trying to be as descriptive as I could, but realizing there were many things to write on I got frustrated and seeked an escape from my writing. I ended up writing a post/thread on the SAS Forum. Shortly after I knocked out in a small 10 minute power nap. After that, I didn't have that feeling of writing so I left. Throughout the day, I just browsed the internet, alternating from Facebook, Twitter, Google Reader, Google Mail, and Google+. I finally got started on this Design Project (Promotional Flyer) but got stumped.

I would go back and forth with my thoughts. I would shuffle back and forth with my browsers, going from one website to another. I would shuffle through my music. I realize how I just can't focus. Then again, I don't really have a focal point or possibly... I don't want there to be a focal point, because that would mean I'd have to work towards it.

I would touch on the subject of My Sweating Ordeal, which is a physical symptom from my Social Anxiety, Panic Attacks, and the Hot Weather. I was hoping to finally dig in and figure out what causes me to feel the way I feel when I'm feeling "it" at that moment. I didn't want to let myself answer in such vague answers and I wanted to make sure I understood what it was that I'm avoiding. However, that sit down with myself never happened as I escaped in my non-productive activities allowing my brain, behavior, and thoughts to be on auto-pilot. Why do I do that? I'm avoiding my problems this I know, but what can I do? I can write, but yesterday's writing discouraged me. I put too much emphasis on it being proper. Emphasis on it being grammatically correct. Emphasis on it being well structured with proper telling points and a hypothesis. Why was I trying to make it such an academic writing entry. The beauty of writing your own way... is that... IT'S YOUR OWN DAMN WAY!

Sunday, July 3, 2011

I Need to Write

I need to write. I know I do. I have topics, situations, and certain experiences that I would like to address but my motivation wavers. I need to find a time and place to just put it all out. Why is it when I feel very disorganized (emotionally, mentally, spirtually), everything around me is just as disorganized?

... More to Come. Hopefully.