My Struggle to Write

This past weekend I struggled to write. More than anything, I struggled with myself. Below are my writing attempts, before I broke through and wrote a 10-page essay.

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Sunday, July 3rd, 2011

Today serves as another turning point in my struggles with everything. If I don't deal with my problems (feelings, thoughts, behavior, etc.) then this could be a quick fall. It took me nearly 3 weeks to recover from my Trip to San Francisco. This past week has been very productive in regards to my eating habits and exercise routine. I've been eating more vegetables, cutting down on sugar, and cutting down on Carbs (such as rice and bread). I've been getting my mom to go on daily walks. I've been more productive in my work projects as I've recently shown completed design and production work on a site. I'll admit that I was slow on getting that project off the ground (I took a whole week when I could have done it in 3 days).

So, why is today another turning point? Well, it could be a day where I'm able to deny over-indulgence, not avoid problems, and not succumb to the weekend holiday.

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Monday, July 4th, 2011

The writing I started yesterday was stopped dead cold in it's track. I allowed myself to find too many distractions. I realized I didn't put much focus. I also realized that I put too much attention to detail and format of my writing rather than letting it all flow out, just like a freewriting exercise, and then gathering up the main points later for an actual legit writing entry. My thoughts are scattered and so should my writing. It will reflect how I'm thinking, how I'm feeling, and how scattered my brain is at the moment.

What stopped me from writing yesterday? Well I recall felling a bit "out of it" and wasn't in the mood for anything. I was a bit critical in my thoughts. I started to realize I was going down a very bad path (binge eating). I started writing yesterday. I was trying to recall things from the past month. I was trying to be as descriptive as I could, but realizing there were many things to write on I got frustrated and seeked an escape from my writing. I ended up writing a post/thread on the SAS Forum. Shortly after I knocked out in a small 10 minute power nap. After that, I didn't have that feeling of writing so I left. Throughout the day, I just browsed the internet, alternating from Facebook, Twitter, Google Reader, Google Mail, and Google+. I finally got started on this Design Project (Promotional Flyer) but got stumped.

I would go back and forth with my thoughts. I would shuffle back and forth with my browsers, going from one website to another. I would shuffle through my music. I realize how I just can't focus. Then again, I don't really have a focal point or possibly... I don't want there to be a focal point, because that would mean I'd have to work towards it.

I would touch on the subject of My Sweating Ordeal, which is a physical symptom from my Social Anxiety, Panic Attacks, and the Hot Weather. I was hoping to finally dig in and figure out what causes me to feel the way I feel when I'm feeling "it" at that moment. I didn't want to let myself answer in such vague answers and I wanted to make sure I understood what it was that I'm avoiding. However, that sit down with myself never happened as I escaped in my non-productive activities allowing my brain, behavior, and thoughts to be on auto-pilot. Why do I do that? I'm avoiding my problems this I know, but what can I do? I can write, but yesterday's writing discouraged me. I put too much emphasis on it being proper. Emphasis on it being grammatically correct. Emphasis on it being well structured with proper telling points and a hypothesis. Why was I trying to make it such an academic writing entry. The beauty of writing your own way... is that... IT'S YOUR OWN DAMN WAY!