A Note of Memories

I wrote a few notes during my stay back home (at the my parents house) for Thanksgiving. I started out writing and was going for this "over the years with memories" type of entry but I didn't know how to drive it or where to take it.

***

I'm back home at my parents house sitting on the carpet floor of my bedroom. In the dark, my room is lit up by glow-in-the-dark shooting stars, lightning bolts, suns, moons, and planets. I'm up at an odd, fairly normal for me, hour reflecting on a few thoughts I found myself occupied in.

It seems I've become accustomed to odd sleeping habits as of late. As a result, I had trouble falling asleep during my weeks stay at my parents house. The living room, above the flat screen television, has 4 picture frames hanging on the wall. One being my University Diploma. The other frame is a photo of me in my cap and gown at the university graduation. The last two frames are photo's of me and my date(s) at two different high school dances. I have no idea why my  mom has them hanging on the wall and other school dance photo's propped up around the house. I'm no longer in high school and I'm not dating those girls. It is kind of weird, but it's something I didn't quite ponder on till recently.

They're seems to be a nostalgic, yet lethargic, feeling that the winter holidays evoke. I found myself in the dark staring down the dimly lit hallway reliving high school and college memories.

The memories flooded my mind, but I couldn't emotionally connect with them as I once have. I use to be able to connect with a memory. It's like a fresh cut or wound. You peel the band aid off and you're senses go crazy. Only now, everything has healed and what once was can only be remembered and not really felt.

***

Then I moved onto memories of my college (ex-)girlfriend. I remember introducing her to my parents and the anxiety I had of introducing her to family members (I brought her home during my Grandpa's Birthday). I also reminsced on the hard times I had as well. The breakup, the heartbreak and the couple of years that seemed to show I was not "over" it. Again, I tried connecting to those feelings but I couldn't feel anything emotionally. I could only recall memories and how hurt I was or how hard things were for me during that time.

***

When was the last time I've actually cried? It's really been awhile, not to mention weird, because growing up I was known as a crybaby. As an adult, there rarely have been times when I've broke down crying. Other than crying over ex's, I've broken down emotionally during the loss of my Grandmother.

I remember breaking down into tears when I nearly threw a wrench in my older cousin's wedding. That's another story, another entry for another time, but let's just say alcohol was involved and a lot of misplaced frustration and stress was aimed at the wrong people.

***

That is currently where those memories lay. I'm not in the same emotional state as I was during those memories or during the time I was writing down those memories. That is why I don't know how or didn't know where to take those thoughts. I just thought I would share them and shed some light. Those thoughts will reoccur and the way I deal and handle them will always be different.

Junior High Crushes

In junior high, I had crushes on the girls that everyone had a crush on. Looking back at it, I probably had as good of a chance as anyone else had (if not better). I was that shy, cute, and lovable kid. The only problem was, I never flirted back or wrote love notes to the girls.

It's so weird, but somewhat refreshing, to remember the type of kid I was. I'd like to think I was just like all the others kids who went to my school, just a tad bit shy. I remember that this part of my childhood was when all my friends where having girlfriends. They were making out with the girls behind the baseball cage. Yet, I was that shy kid who opted to go on a field trip to the planetarium rather then attend the Junior High Drug Free School Dance. I was that scared. I didn't want to be a wallflower. It was funny, because the dances I did attend after ended up being fun. The girls did want to dance with me. My friend and I also break danced, which "wowed" everyone.

Ok, back to where I was going with the story. I, like every other guy in my grade, had crushes on the popular girls. I never told anyone, because I didn't want to be teased. However, I still treated and talked to the girls all the same way. In band practice, I remember a girl named Alma. I talked to her like she was one of my guy friends. She joked around and I remember feeling comfortable with her. Eventually, she had a crush on me and I was flattered... but frightened. Even as a kid, I was self-conscious about what other kids might think. It freaked me out so, that I tried to be as polite as I could be to not break her heart. 

One of her friends came and talked to me after school trying to get the info. She started inquiring about me and if I liked Alma back in return. I tried to be nice and I don't know how it came I came off, but I remember hinting "ohhh, I hope she doesn't like me... "

It's weird that I even remember this story, because I've had to experience that situation a few times as an adult. And it still is never easy to politely let a girl down. I think too much. I think too much of not wanting to hurt the girls feelings and also not wanting to come off as a bad guy.

It's just funny how my experiences with junior high crushes is not any different then the experiences I've dealt with as an adult. The only difference now would be the immense pressure society (parents, family, people around us) puts on us and how we're suppose to fit a specific norm.

Here's to junior high crushes, to the girls who crushed my heart, and to the hearts I might have crushed.

Friday, Saturday, Sunday

I can still remember it. I was this chubby, shy, and quiet eleven year old boy in the fifth grade. I was friendly with everyone in class. I had three good friends that I'd play with during break-time. Every year I would win academic awards along with my prized citizenship award (which basically means your one of the nicest individuals in class). I credit that to being shy, quiet, and a likable person.

I remember that year we had a new student that transferred from Kentucky. Her name, Hilary. She was a lively girl. She wasn't afraid to speak her mind. She had one mean right hook. She fought with all the boys. She had the mouth of a sailor and never backed down. Then it happened.

This was back in the days, where passing a note to someone meant you were an item. When going to recess the next period meant the entire 4th, 5th, and 6th grade class knew everything.

The situation took place on a Friday afternoon. Girl asks boy to walk with her. Boy agrees. Girl asks boy out. Boy says okay. Girl is happy. Boy doesn't know what to think. Boy talks to girl on a Sunday and breaks things off.

That was my first, short lived, boyfriend/girlfriend relationship experience. Yup, our relationship was spent only 1/2 day at school and 1 1/2 days on the phone. I didn't know what to think. I was really surprised someone liked me. I liked her too, but I worried and focused on what everyone else would think. Nice guy going out with the new tough girl. What if I get made fun of? What if I get teased? This was the first time I broke someone's little heart. I was nervous and anxious about the whole situation.

I've mentioned how my journey to overcome SA stems from the pressures of being single. I actually use to write a lot about this subject. I've written about my encounters with love, crushes, and heartbreaks. I figured that if I wrote down and told a story, that I could find something. A solution. I thought, maybe, I would be able to get myself to not-be-shy.

As I'm writing this, I'm thinking about and wondering what I can get out my experiences. I look back at this story and I see how self-conscious I was. How I worried more about the opinions of others rather than my own. The guilt and anxiety of breaking up with her. Is this typical? Is this a normal phase in grade school? The feelings of "not wanting to be a bad guy". I wonder if I repeated the same thoughts, emotions, and feelings in other experiences. I know that I was a kid, but I'm just seeing where this takes me. I think I'll ride this out and see what I might uncover.