New Years Eve

My NYE has been pretty much the same for the past 4 or 5 years. I've spent it by staying in. Mainly by default, but also because I'm comfortable that way. However, I hate the "lying" part. I have to pretend or tell coworkers that I'm probably spending it with friends or that I have to work. That is the part I feel guilty or ashamed of. I just feel as if I will be looked at as pathetic if I'm not out doing anything.

It is true this year that I have to work. I'll be spending the morning, 9 am to 1 pm, working. I have to be on a conference bridge while I verify web files for our web release. Yeah, its cool that I have that to fall back on as an excuse... but there's just something about how I am spending my NYE (or possibly my life) this way.

There's a part of me that wants something different, yet I've balked or avoided opportunities to be out. I could of gone to San Diego and spent NYE with my cousin's family in law. I could of went back home and spent it there. I possibly could of spent it briefly with a friend, which I've missed certain chances to meet up with.

I do feel changes are a foot and I'm feeling different. I feel older. As lost or out-of-control as I can feel, I also feel good and in-control of the possibilities.

My love-life is relatively the same, yet I've noticed a few things. Maybe, it's because I'm older or the fact that I'm out there more (compared to previous years). I think just being out at gatherings and more in front of people stirs up more interest.

Financially, I'm stable again and I'm able to save and payoff a lot of things. I'm trying to make the most of things.

Social Anxiety... well that's another story. I no longer have those fears of even stepping into places like Target or Grocery Markets. I'm still shaky at restaurants, depending on who I'm with, but I've been okay lately. It's a toss up with me when I'm at family & friend gatherings. I can be cool as ice and play along with people joking, but I can be the opposite the next time and break a sweat with just a glance. With me, it's all about confidence. When I'm confident going into something, I can go a long way. When I'm unsure and in self-doubt going into anything, then I'm basically dead in the water.

Health... I am not as healthy or fit as I was a year ago. I've been battling my weight, but I'm on track. Maybe I've lost a step or two, but I just have to keep on trucking.

Much more things to reevaluate and goals to setup. I look forward to the new year and I would like to wish everyone a warm and welcoming 2012.

Peace and Love,

Mr Shy & Timid

Post Christmas/Holiday Rant

I'm so tired. I don't know why I force myself to stay up when I know I should knock out. Today's been a long day. I've been eating non-stop these past three days. I woke up in the morning with intentions to go run. I kept hitting snooze, so my intentions to run turned into intentions to walk. As I was about to head out the door, my cousin and his family were about to hit up some breakfast. I joined and I tried eating healthy. I had a semi-panic-sweat attack. On a scale of 1 through 10 it was a 4. The area I was in felt stuffy. I was in a corner booth on the edge, cramped with 4 adults and 2 kids. I'm not sure what triggered it, but I was fine. Once we got the food and we started eating, things started to feel closed off. I started to get all claustrophobic. An older cousin saw me sweating and said, "the salsa is pretty hot huh". Salsa wasn't that hot, but it and coffee contributed to my "warm" feeling. I had to down some ice cold water and not eat anything.

Once I cooled down, I was fine. The worse part of the morning was losing my phone :( After that the whole day was just a very long day. However, I would say I did some things I probably wouldn't do under normal circumstances. I called and talked to the restaurant. I talked to a group of girls that took over the booth I was at. I called around and talked to the restaurant one last time before I took off on my long drive. If I wasn't occupied by the thought of losing my phone, I'd say that doing all those social exposures was amazing.

Okay... on top of that, I feel fat, unhealthy, extremely irritated being in my skin at the moment. I feel like my stomach sticks out and I keep viewing myself in the mirror as this hideous and monster looking thing. On other days I feel good about myself, but I think all to his holiday indulgence just left me feeling beside myself.

I don't like this feeling. I need to clean up my diet, possibly do a salad-only detox for this week and do more walking and eventually jogging. Once I'm in shape, I'll get back into running.

Night Night!

Christmas Anxiety & Panic Moment

Last night I had one of the most intense panic moments I've had in awhile. My anxiety wasn't as bad and I was looking forward on visiting my friend (who recently became a proud new father). The party was going to be held at my older cousin's house. I first stopped by other my cousin's house and was riding with them to the party.

I was more of the "go to" person, because I was closer to the person who was throwing the party. We go and everything's good, regardless of the many staring eyes from all the grown up nieces. I'm greeted by my friend and his wife and baby. I was happy. Now here comes the very intense part.

My cousin and his wife were holding the baby and every things swell. I saw my cousin started to get sweaty but I didn't say anything. I greet the other people in the house and I'm offered some drinks. I start hitting the beer, because I need something to calm me down. I was anticipating something, and that something happened. My name is called and they want me to hold the baby. I was put on the spotlight. I felt all eyes were on me and they were. All of a sudden, I break sweat. My cousin's wife see's it and points it out. I start to sweat more. I freak out and I'm in total freak out mode. I ask someone to take the baby, because I'm starting to burn up. My cousin's wife asks if I'm okay and I said yeah.

I get away and Im trying to cool down. I'm hanging out in the hallway like a little kid who puts himself in the corner, because he's shy. I'm just trying to be unseen as I feel my shirt collecting up the sweat. Im playing it off and my cousin see's me. I think he has an understanding. Another cousin comes by and he's pointing things out left and right. I tell him I'm having a panic attack and he ends up announcing it to everyone else. He then realizes he made things worse for me and I think he felt bad afterwards.

After I got over that hump, I talked to my cousin and his wife. My cousin told me he goes through the same thing and especially during interviews and "at-work" situations. It felt good to find out that I'm not the only one who goes through some sort of anxiety-panic-episode, but it just sucks that it happened to me on a very big, front, and centered stage.

With all of that, I was still happy to see my friend, his family, my family, and spend it with people I love.

Happy Holidays!

Weekends are for being miserable?

Weekends tend to bring the grumpier side of me. With all the "reservation", smiles, and polite gestures I put up during the week, I want the weekend to be all to myself where I can sleep-in or be able to stretch my feet out without feeling cramped. However, that's my problem... I limit my own personal space, because I still can't get use to or feel completely comfortable when I have other housemates.

I did a lot this weekend, but I always feel a hint of this grumpiness, moody, anxiety, and depressed state of mind.

I've been watching my calories and also what foods I'm eating as well. I'm slowly getting myself physically active again as I'm quickly melting away the 15 pounds I gained (since August).

Tomorrow is a Marketing Department Holiday Lunch. I'm going to buy some items tonight at the nearby grocery store. I'm planning on baking some Chewy Oatmeal Chocolate Chip Oatmeal Cookies. Trying out a modified recipe, but I don't plan to eat much of my cookies. They're for tomorrow's Marketing Lunch.

Okay... Time to get things going.

Quote on Expectations

"Anger always comes from frustrated expectations." 

- Elliot Larson 

I ran across this quote from a fellow SA blogger. It actually hit me. I find this quote to be very, genuinely, and honestly true in my case. It explains why I have this passive aggressive anger towards my best friend at the moment. It explains why I feel annoyed and irritated at times towards my sister and brother-in-law.

It's hard to dismiss your feelings when you're caught up in the moment, but what can you do but acknowledge your feelings and work through them.