After coming back from that SF Trip and returning to reality. I really didn't have a new "goal" to work towards. I got lazy and there were no steps taken for any sort of personal maintenace. I let all sh*t got to waste (or it at least felt that way). My thoughts and my feelings weren't in the same state it was prior and during my SF Trip. I was in the dumps. I was a bit depressed. Why? Just because everything I was working towards ended. Once you climb up that mountain, the only other logical direction is down. That's where I was heading, but in hind sight... I could of been more active so that my descent would of been more pleasant. It took me awhile, but I got myself out of the valley and I'm back on a slower incline.
Mingling with My College Roommate
+ During my Panic and Sweat attack at the wedding ceremony... I'd have to say my old college roommate contributed to it (not intentionally). Prior to the wedding, Ren (my friend getting married) mentioned that our college housemate was in town early and asked about my whereabouts. For many similar reasons I avoid other "old" friends, I wanted to avoid this old college housemate of mine. It isn't because he was mean, or an @ss. It's more of the anxiety I create for myself thinking about "How will I talk to him? How will I react to his stories? How do I be a good host without having to be attached to his hip the whole time?"
In essence, How do I put on a Face, but feel comfortable? He tends to reminisce about our past college experiences and yet that seems to be all we have in common. We haven't kept in touch that often to where we share things that happen within our lives. However, I'll say this... he is a good guy. I went to his wedding, which was about a year or 2 after our graduation. He and his wife also joined a Las Vegas trip I went to for a friend's graduation.
+ Prior to the wedding ceremony, I spotted him and his wife at the church. I wanted to be nice and accommodating knowing I was the only person he'd know and recognize at the wedding (other than our friends getting married). I also knew he'd be seated at my table. So when I greeted him, I wanted it to be short. I was with the groomsmen and we had to be all together. Like every situation, and I know it's "me" who sets myself up into feeling "awkward"... I felt obligated to entertain... I greeted him, greeted his wife, but felt this invisible string that made me feel like I had to stay with them or entertain him. That spiked my anxiety and triggered this nervousness and panic leading up to the start of the ceremony. I caught myself early on that I kept listening to my thoughts ramble while h was talking. It felt like I was just saying yes and nodding to everything he said, yet I didn't take in anything he was saying.
+ At the Wedding Reception, I saw him near the entrance. He made eye contact with me and I didn't want to be rude. I could of easily acted like I didn't see them, but I always put so much pressure on myself. It comes back to the thought of inadequacy. It was this battle of "Not wanting attention" vs "No wanting to be seen as rude" Yet, I knew I had nothing of substance or quality to contribute in conversation. I got a drink, then proceeded to talk to them for a little. However, it ended up being awhile. It was hard to escape that situation. I had that "immense" feeling like I had to be accomodating, yet I felt a tad bit uncomfortable. I would listen to him talk, but all I could hear where my thoughts saying "what do I do.. how do i get out of this". He left me no subtle moments, so I literally had to say "ohh hey.. im sorry, I have to use the bathroom, let me get back to you guys afterwards." After that... I went to the bathroom, then finally got back to my friend (another groomsmen) and finally got my drink that I left with him at the bar area. He said "took you long enough" but he knew the situation I was in. The wedding party group had to wait out in the lobby area, while everyone was suppose to be seated inside the dining area. My old dormmate and his wife stayed outside. I felt bad for his wife, because my roommate made no attempts to bring her into the conversation most of the time. I tried to bring her in and I would often ask questions that pertained to her rather than always talking about past college experiences, in which she wasn't a part of. I kind of hinted that the reception was going to start and that I knew where they were sitting, yet my old dormmate awkwardly said "ohh..yah" continued to prolonged those awkward moments filled with awkward pauses and stares. I told him I ahd to be out here, because we had to make an entrance... It was awkward for me and it caused a small rise in body temperature and panic. However, I felt okay. I knew that the reception hall was warm, because of the direct sunlight coming in and the AC not being turned on.
+ So what was it that caused me to be awkward? So... I was in a pinch. I wanted to socialize with the groomsmen and other people at the party, but felt inclined and obligated to entertain my old roommate who knew no one else at the party. I think the thought or idea of him thinking I would be a "bad guy" if I went around and mingled is what made me feel awkward. My personality to please people and be accomodating applies to this "guilt" trip.
+ I don't think I had a thought of "i'm being judged by other people". But it was me judging myself. It was the "guilt" I was putting on myself. I was making myself miserable. On one hand, I couldn't tolerate the conversation and felt awkward at the table-side dynamic (because he'd leave his wife out of the convo). On the other hand, I felt guilty when I'd step outside or go to another table and drink with other people and have a better time.
This situation is a common occurence. It's a cycle I've seen repeated. This type of circumstance happened in high school, college, and in the work place. Recognizing it is one thing, but preparing for it or "handling it" while it happens is another story.
No comments:
Post a Comment