5 Minute Freewriting #22

Happy New Years! After a week or so back home, and now a week back in the apartment. I feel very unproductive. I tried organizing all my stuff. I tried to get all my priorities in order and shift my focus on what needs to be done. Yet, I found myself easily distracted or allowing myself to checkout as a way to NOT COPE with reality (Job, Career, Finances, Bills, etc).

I feel as if I'm digging myself deeper and deeper into a hole. Surprisingly enough it doesn't feel like it deals with any social anxieties. It deals more with my career and finances. I got my car insurance situation out of the way. However, I have a slightly higher premium then what I was paying last year and this is because of a speeding ticket I couldn't clear up. I worried about having no projects or work coming my way, but that was slightly comforted. The main client/company I've been working as a contractor with still keeps in contact with me and I was in a conference call with them earlier this week.

I've been paid for small side projects and I've got a couple of more website projects coming up from other (small) clients as well. But where I keep digging myself into a hole is this whole UNPRODUCTIVENESS. It's really unbelievable at this point. I've lost focus on diet and fitness.

** end of 5-minute**

I can feel it in my body. It's like it has invaded my body and thoughts. I feel sluggish, I lost muscle tone and I can't get myself to work on my projects.

Yesterday didn't help. I went to meet up with a friend, because he wants me to create a website for his "mentor". However, this is the type of friend that I knew.... well I knew I would end up drinking a bit and feeling "not-like-myself" when hanging out with him. Our personalities don't clash, but they don't make me feel all to well. He's very assertive and I'm passive. He urges I drink or whatever unhealthy consumption he has and I oblige. I actually handle it better now. I turned down the drinks he kept making, because I was ready to leave his place and he doesn't get mad or is upset if I don't drink. It's more on me where I feel like I have to.

Anyways... So I end up cancelling on this meeting he wanted me to go to so I could meet his professor and I would be there to discuss and help plan the website. I just wasn't up for it, and the drinking from the night before had a role. I didn't want to partake in that again and I also felt ill. My body just feels ill. There's this tension around my neck and it's because I'm glued to computer and the seating is a little off.

However, I'm making little progress. I'll be talking with his other friend about a website this weekend. I'm starting to wireframe a redesign of my own website. I feel bad, but I think I've totally abandoned this website (pro bono) that I agreed to help on. I've started working on a wireframe design for a friend who already sent me a payment.

Yet I still feel unproductive. It's this stupid video game I downloaded and the thing is I really don't play video games. I downloaded last week and it consumed my time. It's made me stay up till the wee early hours of morning to only wake up in the middle of the day feeling out of place.

I deleted the game, but it doesn't help that I'm reinstalling it so I can play this weekend. Social Anxiety hasn't even been in my thoughts and nor has my panic attacks. Going out to meet with my friend yesterday and going for lunch wasn't really anxiety inducing at all. Driving there wasn't making me sweat. I told myself last year that I would sign up for this "Anxiety and Shyness" group in my area, but I never did. I don't want to make any promises here, but I'll post any breaking news.

Okay, I'm not sure what I've mumbled over the past 10 minutes, but that has been a much needed release.

HAPPY NEW YEARS EVERYONE!