Time To Decompress

Normal, or what I deem to be normal, people spend there end of the week out on the night of the town. I've had my share or glimpses of this, but as you (we) all know... Social Anxiety (and built up anxiety in general) can cause "avoidance" of many situations. 

What's one to do on a Friday Night (early Saturday Morning)? Well, I had an early dinner today. Drank about 3 cups of coffee, knocked out and fell asleep for maybe 30 minutes. Woke up with this wired-worn out feeling. 

This week's been interesting. Not mentally draining. Maybe physically draining from all the running I've been doing and 5+ hours of sleep I average. I think what's been interesting this week is the shift in "view" of how I view my coworkers. It seems as if I've become this manager of "emotions" yet I'm not allowed to manage my own.

My friend, KN, is the coworker that got me into the door and back working at my old spot. I'm grateful and thankful for that. Even when I did not work there (for a year) he would call me and instant message me frequently and asked me how I would deal with one of the disgruntled coworkers. I did give him advice, but I never encountered the level of stress he seems to be holding. Clearly, it affects him, even though he seems to have this need to reiterate how positive things are and how great things are going now that he decided to "ice" out the disgruntled coworker and not pay him attention. This type of attitude seems "okay" on the surface, but his constant affirmations hide the fact that he holds a sense of guilt or feels a sense of tension that the disgruntled coworker might notice what he's doing.

Fine... I feel it too, but I'm not as emotionally and mentally involved. I can sense a tension, because the disgruntled coworker probably senses there's been a feeling of "being clipped of ties" towards his team. However, he has brought this on himself. The disgruntled coworker has tremendously spouted out negative statements after negative statements about the workplace, about his superiors, and about everyone. I can understand where he's coming from and I'm guilty of being somewhat of an enabler (when I use to work there), but it no longer phases me and I try not to enable him now. Either, I don't really initiate conversation as much as I use to... Or, if I do initiate conversation and I see it leading towards a negative aspect where he tries to relate it to the workplace, I'll gently acknowledge his views but I won't go further than that. I make sure not to enable or agree.

Now, my friend KN, has this "stuck in the middle" feeling. Because the disgrunted coworker, prior to me entering the workplace again, and him use to go for walks everyday... however it would be for the disgruntled coworker to vent out and be stress free. The bad part for KN, is that he had to take on the burden or would have some sort of transference of Disgrunted worker's negativity. Somehow... that negative vibe seems to be seeping and transering towards me.

I have nothing against KN and I understand where he's coming from. However, I am a bit annoying of always hearing and dealing with how "great and positive" things are now that he decided to CUT TIES with the disgrunted worker.. yet shows a side that he feels so much guilt or tension for doing that. I really don't want to be caught in the middle of this. 

For me... I'm okay with talking to the disgruntled coworker as long as I don't enable him or show him that I agree with his views. I just don't want KN to put me in a position, similar to the position the Disgruntled coworker put him in, as to where... I should follow KN's view and also ICE the other coworker out.

I already knew that the workplace, and any workplace, has weird and troubling dynamics. And well... this is what I've gotten myself into. For the most part, my Social Anxiety hasn't been as bad. I haven't been encountered by any intense panic attacks. I'm able to make conversations and smile at people in the workplace. I think what I need to do more is be able to push myself a little more to go out, possibly try meeting friends for dinner again.

I'm sort of not wanting to do one client's freelance project. Well I basically don't want to do it anymore, but I have this obligation to do so. As with any freelancer, I am basically overworked and underpaid. What was discussed about the simple project, isn't so simple. More hours are being spent on the project and the quote I gave them months ago really don't apply to the hours I work on there project. Yet, they won't see that and I wont say anything, so that's why I'm in this conundrum and very unmotivated to continue.

This is me decompresing everything for the last couple of weeks, but I don't know if I'm completely decompressed :( Well at least, at the moment, I'm focused on my training schedule. :)

Freewriting, Thoughts, and Habits

Today has been a very unproductive, gluttonous day. It's been a day of being lazy, yet more about "avoidance" of what I need to take care of. This past week seems to follow my trend of "excuses" of missing workouts and eating poorly. It does bug me. I wanted to clean up my diet today, but I ended up failing miserable. I recognize the big problem is that I've been avoiding my thoughts, feeling, and vulnerable emotions. Fortunately, I have the place to myself and I have a great deal of "me" time right now. Unfortunately, I have the place to myself and have a great deal of "me" time right now. Would the term "Double Edge Sword" apply to this? So... I need change. I need some sort of spark. It's one thing to say "Okay let's change the way I feel" and to keep drumming that in, but if there's no feeling behind the words... then it's almost useless. It's just a false sense of security for me, calming myself and my habits.

I need to accept that I'm failing horribly. I need to accept that I'm engaging in very unproductive and gluttonous behavior (eating a big bag of trail mix, drinking 6+ cups of coffee, feeling full and continuing to graze). I need to change this behavior. To change this behavior, I need to change how I feel. In order to change how I feel, I need to change how I think. In order to change how I think, I need to reevaluate my thoughts. I need to be honest. I need to be real. I need to be rational. I need to accept and admit what I'm not, but make a game plan of what can be done and what can be changed.

Change starts with the way you think. It translates into the way you feel and eventually is exhibited through the way you behave.

I'm good at giving advice and/or comforting opinions. I need to to be my own Therapists right now. No one can fix myself, unless I help myself first.

Let's start...

Earlier today, and probably the last hour, I've been feeling very unattached to my environment. Like everyone, I have my own vices. Some people turn to sex, drugs and rock & roll, while others might excessively workout and stress themselves out. For me... food can be my vice. If I don't plan my week out, or if I miss a few days that are on my workout schedule... I tend to throw things out and go banana's. I tend to feel horrible and eventually get my sh*t together, but it's the moments like "right now" that I hate. When I'm just unresponsive to change and I only turn to distractions. I started the day with some stretching exercises, but had thoughts of eating something sweet. Emotionally, I tuned out and I tuned into the television. I had distractions. I was on my laptop watching YouTube video's while I had the tele running. I would go back and forth with my laptop and my phone. I'd go to my room and get on my desktop computer. Eventually, I'd return back to the living room. I got myself to do two loads of laundry, yet one load is in the dryer, while the other is still in the washer. I've managed to clean the kitchen which was the most productive thing I've done all day, only to be countered with excessive snacking on trail mix (210 calories per 1/3rd cup, which I ate a big bag full) and falling asleep on the couch and/or just watching television all day.

I kept saying I'd do my resistance workout today. I kept pushing it to an hour, then I'd snack on trail mix and feel full. So I would keep pushing my workout to another hour and eventually take a short nap. I woke up from that nap not feeling like doing anything, except for wanting to cook this marinated chicken I prepared early in the day. I ate dinner early and I really ate when I didn't have an apetite. I think eating was a distraction and it was my comfort at the moment.

It wasn't till hours ago... after a few cups of coffee and watching a movie that I felt the need to do something. It's funny how my mind thinks and how I take action. I feel the need to sweat and write things out. It's summer and I'm in compression socks, workout shorts, workout shirt and a hoody. I know I'm not in the mood to workout, but I want to sweat things out. I'm creating somewhat of a mobile, wearable, suana and I'm also working on exercising my thoughts by writing.

I'm actually feeling better. My room is a mess, so maybe my next goal will be to clean up the mess. I have some freelance projects that I need to decide...."is this an obligation or should I cut ties"

I need to get rid of those feelings and I need to make decisions, so maybe.. just maybe I'll get to that tonight.

Now... here's a bigger obstacle for me. Tomorrow is my planned 8 mile run. I haven't been keeping up to my running schedule and I know I'm not physically and mentally fit for it at the moment. Should I be in that mode of "yah I need to run it" and possibly not feeling good because I didn't have a good 8 mile run, or should I just attempt to run as much as I can, which I possibly will get myself to run the full 8, and feel accomplished. I need to find a balance. I need to make sure I go to sleep feeling "I cleared my mind" rather than staying up till I tire myself so I don't have to deal with my thoughts.

***

I've never really been able to recover from last weekend. I noticed that I did start to stray from my healthy habits. As I worked more and more hours, I ate snacks from the vending machine. I drank diet coke and coffee. Instead of eating the lunch I prepared, I ate out with my coworkers. As much as I tried to eat healthy, it wasn't happening. I had all you can eat Korean BBQ last weekend and didn't run my long run the following day. I made an excuse, but I tried to make my runs count. I woke up at 5 am and had a 3 mile run. Then later on after work, I continued with another 3 mile run. Shortly after that, I never really ran again this past week. I just worked more hours. I had to stay up till 4 am for one of our web releases. I ended up eating a healthy and tasty dinner, but followed with a few rounds of beer and shot of Hennesy. Followed with some Ruby Fries and Starbucks. Not to mention, my coworker nearly got in a fight and I had this "oh sh*t, am I going to get involved in something that's so not like me" moment.

From then on, it hasn't been the same and I haven't been able to get on track. My planned "fruit only" days backfired. However, I think tonight I'm on the right track. Clearing up my thinking, thoughts and feelings will eventually help me sort out my behaviors. I just need to stop avoiding. I need to stop allowing myself to take on distractions. I just need, moments like this, where I turned off all the chatter. Listen to my own thoughts. Write them down and begin to do "work" on myself. And it's working. All this attention I'm giving myself. All the focus I'm giving myself. All the work I'm doing on myself is helping me clear up any feelings of failure and feelings of being stuck.

Acknowledge, Act, and Keep Moving. Everyone has choices, even when we feel we don't. I have the choice to keep on taking a beating and beat myself up over and over. Or.... I can choose to accept the sh*t I've been living in, do something about it, and keep moving towards a positive energy. And that's why I choose to do. I'm following it with actual actions.

Freewriting

I wrote this entry with my eyes closed and in the dark. I wrote it as I got ready for bed. I have many typos and grammatical errors. I just typed out where my thoughts felt like going. Maybe, Maybe not, I'll revisit this post and clean it up.. but I'm to tired at this point. I'm just glad I have this refreshed feeling that I got out of this writing exercise.

I now have very busy work weeks. My schedule is crazy and I have a few hours at night to just unwind, which I should take advantage of, because I'm sitting in front of a computer nearly 24/7. I have the tendency to pile my thoughts until it's completely buried and I have a reoccurring pattern with how horrible I feel. Or how insecure I am and ridden with anxiety. I want to take this opportunity, as I get ready for bed.. to freewrite, unwind, and clear up some head space.

Sunday was a bit of a setback for me. I went out for lunch in Downtown LA with my sister, brother-in-law, and a family friend. I'm able to be rational afterwards and realize what my pitfalls and triggers where. When my sister brought up the idea of going to this German Hot Dog place in a trendy/artsy area in LA, I automatically dreaded it. I didn't even give a cheerful "yes" answer. I had more of a "okay, iI guess" answer.

I don't know why, exactly, but I dreaded it for a few reasons. I was afraid I'd have to be the driver. That conjured up feelings of driving into downtown LA. Driving on my own to unchartered territory is one thing. I feel a bit comfortable doing that, because if I got lost or made a wrong turn... I had no audience or set of eyes watching me. I wouldn't feel as much pressure as I would if I had a car full of people.  Another reason is that... I find the bigger downtown city area a bit intimidating. Parking, traffic and different and busy roads.

I admit that I wasn't open to the idea at all, yet I went along with it and I forced myself to go. I forced myself physically, but not mentally. I didn't allow myself to have a "change of thought" on the subject. I kind of made it a situation where it was like "okay.. let's just get it over with" rather than "okay.. maybe I'll enjoy this place"

Once the moment came and it came closer, I tried opening up more to it. I was ready. I didn't have to drive, but I was thrown off a bit when I found out that day that my sister's friend would be joining. Okay, that's fine, because I'm okay with talking to her. The positive things that happened, were... I was able to be engaged in coversation with everyone. From the car ride over to the hotdog place.

However, once we got to the place... We lined up to place orders. Probably 10 minutes into it... I was standing, waiting to order and I just felt the heat rising quite a bit. It slowly inched towards me. I wasn't drenched or sweating bullets yet. Once we got to the communal area.. I think that's when I started to get myself into a frenzy. The communal area wasn't even packed, yet the area we sat in felt very constricting. I sat on this small stool where we had this tiny table. I just kind of felt like I was on stage the whole time. As always, when out with my sister and bro-in-law, I feel out of place. I really don't have any where to look. I'm constantly scanning the area or just zoning out. Making brief eye contact with both of them. It's not that it's awkward, but maybe I make things awkward for myself. I did make a run to the bathroom early on to wipe myself down and cool off my thoughts. Everytime I went back to my seat/stool... I just felt this very cramp and constricted personal space. I had a few moments of "wanting to flee". I told my sister later that it was hard for me to enjoy the food (which everyone raves about), because my experience was hijacked by my anxiety and panic. I felt hot under the gun. I started to sweat. The beer I drank didn't help. The hint of spiciness on my hotdog didnt help. The sudden panic feelings didnt help. I just felt the sweat dripping from my head to the side of my face. I felt my body perspiring. I was a total mess for a short few minutes. I finally regrouped without escaping the scene, but I couldn't enjoy the food. It really did take me awhile and I had to refrain from eating. My apetitite was shot.

After Lunch was done and I was back at the apartment. I think the situation completely drained me. I fell asleep for a long nap. Woke up a bit dazed and... I still had thoughts of the Lunch on my mind. I couldn't let go of how thigns went. I understand that, once you're in the moment... You can't do anything. Forcing yourself to "not" be that way only escalates and makes thigns worse. Accepting the situation and your feelings helps calm things down and speeds up the process, but it doesn't rid or prevent the "situation".

I'm glad to be where I'm at now, meaning my state of mind. I understand what happened and I see what led up to it. There could hve been things I could have done, but I didn't. Even though I had a somewhat draining experience, the intensity was a bit high, but it didn't last that long. The fact that I chose to focus on this now and then move on is a big step.

Clearing out my mind.... Not letting things pile up during a busy work week. This is part of the process and this is part of maintenance that I have to be consistent with.