Freewriting

I wrote this entry with my eyes closed and in the dark. I wrote it as I got ready for bed. I have many typos and grammatical errors. I just typed out where my thoughts felt like going. Maybe, Maybe not, I'll revisit this post and clean it up.. but I'm to tired at this point. I'm just glad I have this refreshed feeling that I got out of this writing exercise.

I now have very busy work weeks. My schedule is crazy and I have a few hours at night to just unwind, which I should take advantage of, because I'm sitting in front of a computer nearly 24/7. I have the tendency to pile my thoughts until it's completely buried and I have a reoccurring pattern with how horrible I feel. Or how insecure I am and ridden with anxiety. I want to take this opportunity, as I get ready for bed.. to freewrite, unwind, and clear up some head space.

Sunday was a bit of a setback for me. I went out for lunch in Downtown LA with my sister, brother-in-law, and a family friend. I'm able to be rational afterwards and realize what my pitfalls and triggers where. When my sister brought up the idea of going to this German Hot Dog place in a trendy/artsy area in LA, I automatically dreaded it. I didn't even give a cheerful "yes" answer. I had more of a "okay, iI guess" answer.

I don't know why, exactly, but I dreaded it for a few reasons. I was afraid I'd have to be the driver. That conjured up feelings of driving into downtown LA. Driving on my own to unchartered territory is one thing. I feel a bit comfortable doing that, because if I got lost or made a wrong turn... I had no audience or set of eyes watching me. I wouldn't feel as much pressure as I would if I had a car full of people.  Another reason is that... I find the bigger downtown city area a bit intimidating. Parking, traffic and different and busy roads.

I admit that I wasn't open to the idea at all, yet I went along with it and I forced myself to go. I forced myself physically, but not mentally. I didn't allow myself to have a "change of thought" on the subject. I kind of made it a situation where it was like "okay.. let's just get it over with" rather than "okay.. maybe I'll enjoy this place"

Once the moment came and it came closer, I tried opening up more to it. I was ready. I didn't have to drive, but I was thrown off a bit when I found out that day that my sister's friend would be joining. Okay, that's fine, because I'm okay with talking to her. The positive things that happened, were... I was able to be engaged in coversation with everyone. From the car ride over to the hotdog place.

However, once we got to the place... We lined up to place orders. Probably 10 minutes into it... I was standing, waiting to order and I just felt the heat rising quite a bit. It slowly inched towards me. I wasn't drenched or sweating bullets yet. Once we got to the communal area.. I think that's when I started to get myself into a frenzy. The communal area wasn't even packed, yet the area we sat in felt very constricting. I sat on this small stool where we had this tiny table. I just kind of felt like I was on stage the whole time. As always, when out with my sister and bro-in-law, I feel out of place. I really don't have any where to look. I'm constantly scanning the area or just zoning out. Making brief eye contact with both of them. It's not that it's awkward, but maybe I make things awkward for myself. I did make a run to the bathroom early on to wipe myself down and cool off my thoughts. Everytime I went back to my seat/stool... I just felt this very cramp and constricted personal space. I had a few moments of "wanting to flee". I told my sister later that it was hard for me to enjoy the food (which everyone raves about), because my experience was hijacked by my anxiety and panic. I felt hot under the gun. I started to sweat. The beer I drank didn't help. The hint of spiciness on my hotdog didnt help. The sudden panic feelings didnt help. I just felt the sweat dripping from my head to the side of my face. I felt my body perspiring. I was a total mess for a short few minutes. I finally regrouped without escaping the scene, but I couldn't enjoy the food. It really did take me awhile and I had to refrain from eating. My apetitite was shot.

After Lunch was done and I was back at the apartment. I think the situation completely drained me. I fell asleep for a long nap. Woke up a bit dazed and... I still had thoughts of the Lunch on my mind. I couldn't let go of how thigns went. I understand that, once you're in the moment... You can't do anything. Forcing yourself to "not" be that way only escalates and makes thigns worse. Accepting the situation and your feelings helps calm things down and speeds up the process, but it doesn't rid or prevent the "situation".

I'm glad to be where I'm at now, meaning my state of mind. I understand what happened and I see what led up to it. There could hve been things I could have done, but I didn't. Even though I had a somewhat draining experience, the intensity was a bit high, but it didn't last that long. The fact that I chose to focus on this now and then move on is a big step.

Clearing out my mind.... Not letting things pile up during a busy work week. This is part of the process and this is part of maintenance that I have to be consistent with.