Freewriting, Thoughts, and Habits

Today has been a very unproductive, gluttonous day. It's been a day of being lazy, yet more about "avoidance" of what I need to take care of. This past week seems to follow my trend of "excuses" of missing workouts and eating poorly. It does bug me. I wanted to clean up my diet today, but I ended up failing miserable. I recognize the big problem is that I've been avoiding my thoughts, feeling, and vulnerable emotions. Fortunately, I have the place to myself and I have a great deal of "me" time right now. Unfortunately, I have the place to myself and have a great deal of "me" time right now. Would the term "Double Edge Sword" apply to this? So... I need change. I need some sort of spark. It's one thing to say "Okay let's change the way I feel" and to keep drumming that in, but if there's no feeling behind the words... then it's almost useless. It's just a false sense of security for me, calming myself and my habits.

I need to accept that I'm failing horribly. I need to accept that I'm engaging in very unproductive and gluttonous behavior (eating a big bag of trail mix, drinking 6+ cups of coffee, feeling full and continuing to graze). I need to change this behavior. To change this behavior, I need to change how I feel. In order to change how I feel, I need to change how I think. In order to change how I think, I need to reevaluate my thoughts. I need to be honest. I need to be real. I need to be rational. I need to accept and admit what I'm not, but make a game plan of what can be done and what can be changed.

Change starts with the way you think. It translates into the way you feel and eventually is exhibited through the way you behave.

I'm good at giving advice and/or comforting opinions. I need to to be my own Therapists right now. No one can fix myself, unless I help myself first.

Let's start...

Earlier today, and probably the last hour, I've been feeling very unattached to my environment. Like everyone, I have my own vices. Some people turn to sex, drugs and rock & roll, while others might excessively workout and stress themselves out. For me... food can be my vice. If I don't plan my week out, or if I miss a few days that are on my workout schedule... I tend to throw things out and go banana's. I tend to feel horrible and eventually get my sh*t together, but it's the moments like "right now" that I hate. When I'm just unresponsive to change and I only turn to distractions. I started the day with some stretching exercises, but had thoughts of eating something sweet. Emotionally, I tuned out and I tuned into the television. I had distractions. I was on my laptop watching YouTube video's while I had the tele running. I would go back and forth with my laptop and my phone. I'd go to my room and get on my desktop computer. Eventually, I'd return back to the living room. I got myself to do two loads of laundry, yet one load is in the dryer, while the other is still in the washer. I've managed to clean the kitchen which was the most productive thing I've done all day, only to be countered with excessive snacking on trail mix (210 calories per 1/3rd cup, which I ate a big bag full) and falling asleep on the couch and/or just watching television all day.

I kept saying I'd do my resistance workout today. I kept pushing it to an hour, then I'd snack on trail mix and feel full. So I would keep pushing my workout to another hour and eventually take a short nap. I woke up from that nap not feeling like doing anything, except for wanting to cook this marinated chicken I prepared early in the day. I ate dinner early and I really ate when I didn't have an apetite. I think eating was a distraction and it was my comfort at the moment.

It wasn't till hours ago... after a few cups of coffee and watching a movie that I felt the need to do something. It's funny how my mind thinks and how I take action. I feel the need to sweat and write things out. It's summer and I'm in compression socks, workout shorts, workout shirt and a hoody. I know I'm not in the mood to workout, but I want to sweat things out. I'm creating somewhat of a mobile, wearable, suana and I'm also working on exercising my thoughts by writing.

I'm actually feeling better. My room is a mess, so maybe my next goal will be to clean up the mess. I have some freelance projects that I need to decide...."is this an obligation or should I cut ties"

I need to get rid of those feelings and I need to make decisions, so maybe.. just maybe I'll get to that tonight.

Now... here's a bigger obstacle for me. Tomorrow is my planned 8 mile run. I haven't been keeping up to my running schedule and I know I'm not physically and mentally fit for it at the moment. Should I be in that mode of "yah I need to run it" and possibly not feeling good because I didn't have a good 8 mile run, or should I just attempt to run as much as I can, which I possibly will get myself to run the full 8, and feel accomplished. I need to find a balance. I need to make sure I go to sleep feeling "I cleared my mind" rather than staying up till I tire myself so I don't have to deal with my thoughts.

***

I've never really been able to recover from last weekend. I noticed that I did start to stray from my healthy habits. As I worked more and more hours, I ate snacks from the vending machine. I drank diet coke and coffee. Instead of eating the lunch I prepared, I ate out with my coworkers. As much as I tried to eat healthy, it wasn't happening. I had all you can eat Korean BBQ last weekend and didn't run my long run the following day. I made an excuse, but I tried to make my runs count. I woke up at 5 am and had a 3 mile run. Then later on after work, I continued with another 3 mile run. Shortly after that, I never really ran again this past week. I just worked more hours. I had to stay up till 4 am for one of our web releases. I ended up eating a healthy and tasty dinner, but followed with a few rounds of beer and shot of Hennesy. Followed with some Ruby Fries and Starbucks. Not to mention, my coworker nearly got in a fight and I had this "oh sh*t, am I going to get involved in something that's so not like me" moment.

From then on, it hasn't been the same and I haven't been able to get on track. My planned "fruit only" days backfired. However, I think tonight I'm on the right track. Clearing up my thinking, thoughts and feelings will eventually help me sort out my behaviors. I just need to stop avoiding. I need to stop allowing myself to take on distractions. I just need, moments like this, where I turned off all the chatter. Listen to my own thoughts. Write them down and begin to do "work" on myself. And it's working. All this attention I'm giving myself. All the focus I'm giving myself. All the work I'm doing on myself is helping me clear up any feelings of failure and feelings of being stuck.

Acknowledge, Act, and Keep Moving. Everyone has choices, even when we feel we don't. I have the choice to keep on taking a beating and beat myself up over and over. Or.... I can choose to accept the sh*t I've been living in, do something about it, and keep moving towards a positive energy. And that's why I choose to do. I'm following it with actual actions.