Time To Decompress

Normal, or what I deem to be normal, people spend there end of the week out on the night of the town. I've had my share or glimpses of this, but as you (we) all know... Social Anxiety (and built up anxiety in general) can cause "avoidance" of many situations. 

What's one to do on a Friday Night (early Saturday Morning)? Well, I had an early dinner today. Drank about 3 cups of coffee, knocked out and fell asleep for maybe 30 minutes. Woke up with this wired-worn out feeling. 

This week's been interesting. Not mentally draining. Maybe physically draining from all the running I've been doing and 5+ hours of sleep I average. I think what's been interesting this week is the shift in "view" of how I view my coworkers. It seems as if I've become this manager of "emotions" yet I'm not allowed to manage my own.

My friend, KN, is the coworker that got me into the door and back working at my old spot. I'm grateful and thankful for that. Even when I did not work there (for a year) he would call me and instant message me frequently and asked me how I would deal with one of the disgruntled coworkers. I did give him advice, but I never encountered the level of stress he seems to be holding. Clearly, it affects him, even though he seems to have this need to reiterate how positive things are and how great things are going now that he decided to "ice" out the disgruntled coworker and not pay him attention. This type of attitude seems "okay" on the surface, but his constant affirmations hide the fact that he holds a sense of guilt or feels a sense of tension that the disgruntled coworker might notice what he's doing.

Fine... I feel it too, but I'm not as emotionally and mentally involved. I can sense a tension, because the disgruntled coworker probably senses there's been a feeling of "being clipped of ties" towards his team. However, he has brought this on himself. The disgruntled coworker has tremendously spouted out negative statements after negative statements about the workplace, about his superiors, and about everyone. I can understand where he's coming from and I'm guilty of being somewhat of an enabler (when I use to work there), but it no longer phases me and I try not to enable him now. Either, I don't really initiate conversation as much as I use to... Or, if I do initiate conversation and I see it leading towards a negative aspect where he tries to relate it to the workplace, I'll gently acknowledge his views but I won't go further than that. I make sure not to enable or agree.

Now, my friend KN, has this "stuck in the middle" feeling. Because the disgrunted coworker, prior to me entering the workplace again, and him use to go for walks everyday... however it would be for the disgruntled coworker to vent out and be stress free. The bad part for KN, is that he had to take on the burden or would have some sort of transference of Disgrunted worker's negativity. Somehow... that negative vibe seems to be seeping and transering towards me.

I have nothing against KN and I understand where he's coming from. However, I am a bit annoying of always hearing and dealing with how "great and positive" things are now that he decided to CUT TIES with the disgrunted worker.. yet shows a side that he feels so much guilt or tension for doing that. I really don't want to be caught in the middle of this. 

For me... I'm okay with talking to the disgruntled coworker as long as I don't enable him or show him that I agree with his views. I just don't want KN to put me in a position, similar to the position the Disgruntled coworker put him in, as to where... I should follow KN's view and also ICE the other coworker out.

I already knew that the workplace, and any workplace, has weird and troubling dynamics. And well... this is what I've gotten myself into. For the most part, my Social Anxiety hasn't been as bad. I haven't been encountered by any intense panic attacks. I'm able to make conversations and smile at people in the workplace. I think what I need to do more is be able to push myself a little more to go out, possibly try meeting friends for dinner again.

I'm sort of not wanting to do one client's freelance project. Well I basically don't want to do it anymore, but I have this obligation to do so. As with any freelancer, I am basically overworked and underpaid. What was discussed about the simple project, isn't so simple. More hours are being spent on the project and the quote I gave them months ago really don't apply to the hours I work on there project. Yet, they won't see that and I wont say anything, so that's why I'm in this conundrum and very unmotivated to continue.

This is me decompresing everything for the last couple of weeks, but I don't know if I'm completely decompressed :( Well at least, at the moment, I'm focused on my training schedule. :)