Exposure - Saturday, July 10, 2010

A day after the engagement party I attended, I felt good. I felt accomplished and I was positive about running errands around town (back in my hometown). I ]planned on running to SaveMart to do some groceries and buy some strawberries at a local strawberry stand. I went in thinking of this experience as a challenge. I didn't have any "sweat" attacks. I was comfortable waiting in line when it was time to pay, and I felt comfortable asking questions about my strawberries when I went to the local fruit stand. I experienced success in that I didn't have many ANTs nor did I have to over-think the situation while experiencing it at the moment.

Later during the day, my dad wanted to join me and run errands. I wanted to buy some flowers at SaveMart, run by CVS (Pharmacy/Personal Care Store), and pick up dinner. I don't really have trouble making calls, especially if I'm prepared, but I admit I usually dread it. I placed an order for take-out at a Thai Food Restaurant with no problems. My pops and I headed into town and we arrived at SaveMart. 

I encountered a minor setback. I feel that because my dad was with me, I was a bit more self-conscious than usual. I allowed ANTs to run around in my head. I did encounter thoughts of "I think I just recognized someone. I think that person is looking at me. I don't want to make eye contact"

Success: I paid for the items without breaking into sweat. It wasn't till we walked out of the grocery market that I felt relieved and then I started to sweat. I feel it was due to the anxieties and the 95+ degree type weather outside.

Great, I let the thoughts of "sweating" enter my mind. My dad and I head to CVS. We enter the store, and they have fans running (instead of air conditioning) . My dad picks up an item and we go pay for it. I stood there waiting just looking around. I just started to feel warm and it didn't help that the weather was hot.

After that situation, it was time to pick-up the take-out food I ordered. I was more worried that I would have a "sweat" attack at the restaurant. My dad opted to stay in the car, and I went in by myself. I felt more comfortable. I entered the restaurant on my own with a few families inside having dinner. The waitress/hostess came by and I chatted a little and let her know I was there to pick up my order. I paid for the food and left. No sweat.

Later that night, I was declined an opportunity to go out and attend a night club/lounge just for a brief moment. I cancelled plans on it. I didn't feel ready or peppared. I felt like I took on many challenges that weekend already, so I didn't want to overwhelm myself. My friend invited me over for a bbq with his family instead. I was going to go, but I already planned dinner with my dad and so I passed up on that.

In the experiences mentioned above, I encountered success followed up with mini-setbacks. I felt good about going through the situations and I wasn't dwelling too much on the setbacks I had.

Exposure

This past month I've started to take note, with more effort, on the success and setbacks I have had with Social Anxiety. I started to make a list of exposures and experiences along with the small victories and setbacks that followed.

Talking about small victories might NOT sound like a great deal, but recognizing and realizing the success you are accumulating during your experience plays a big role in overcoming Social Anxiety. It is also important to recognize your setbacks. Setbacks aren't meant to be looked at as failure. True, it might make you feel drained or like a defeated person. However, It is important to learn from the setbacks. Challenge the setbacks and rationalize what happened during the setback. 

My intended attitude is to keep moving forward.

Friday, Saturday, Sunday

I can still remember it. I was this chubby, shy, and quiet eleven year old boy in the fifth grade. I was friendly with everyone in class. I had three good friends that I'd play with during break-time. Every year I would win academic awards along with my prized citizenship award (which basically means your one of the nicest individuals in class). I credit that to being shy, quiet, and a likable person.

I remember that year we had a new student that transferred from Kentucky. Her name, Hilary. She was a lively girl. She wasn't afraid to speak her mind. She had one mean right hook. She fought with all the boys. She had the mouth of a sailor and never backed down. Then it happened.

This was back in the days, where passing a note to someone meant you were an item. When going to recess the next period meant the entire 4th, 5th, and 6th grade class knew everything.

The situation took place on a Friday afternoon. Girl asks boy to walk with her. Boy agrees. Girl asks boy out. Boy says okay. Girl is happy. Boy doesn't know what to think. Boy talks to girl on a Sunday and breaks things off.

That was my first, short lived, boyfriend/girlfriend relationship experience. Yup, our relationship was spent only 1/2 day at school and 1 1/2 days on the phone. I didn't know what to think. I was really surprised someone liked me. I liked her too, but I worried and focused on what everyone else would think. Nice guy going out with the new tough girl. What if I get made fun of? What if I get teased? This was the first time I broke someone's little heart. I was nervous and anxious about the whole situation.

I've mentioned how my journey to overcome SA stems from the pressures of being single. I actually use to write a lot about this subject. I've written about my encounters with love, crushes, and heartbreaks. I figured that if I wrote down and told a story, that I could find something. A solution. I thought, maybe, I would be able to get myself to not-be-shy.

As I'm writing this, I'm thinking about and wondering what I can get out my experiences. I look back at this story and I see how self-conscious I was. How I worried more about the opinions of others rather than my own. The guilt and anxiety of breaking up with her. Is this typical? Is this a normal phase in grade school? The feelings of "not wanting to be a bad guy". I wonder if I repeated the same thoughts, emotions, and feelings in other experiences. I know that I was a kid, but I'm just seeing where this takes me. I think I'll ride this out and see what I might uncover.

About Myself

*This was originally posted on SAS Forum and might refer to posts, threads, replies, blogs on that site.

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I didn't wan't to write a long drawn out blog in one sitting, nor do I want to repeat what I've already posted. Last week was the first time I participated on the SAS forum. I posted my Introduction to SAS here: My Introduction to SAS. I also use YouTube to vent out and record my progress/setbacks.

For starters, I turned 28 last year and I started to dig around and research Social Anxiety. Looking back at it, I think it had a lot to do with getting older and being single. Having aunts and uncles (even my parents) at every gathering, asking me why I'm still single every time just wore me down a tad bit. The more frequent this happened, the more I found myself unable to respond back in a nonchalant demeanor. Nowadays, I now find myself more calmer about my age and my status as a bachelor. However, that could be a result of all the M.I.A. (Missing In Action) I've been doing.

Speaking rationally, I don't think people would pin me down as a person struggling with social anxiety. They might find me shy and quiet, but I wouldn't think they see me struggling with a disorder or a phobia. However, in the last 3 or 4 years my struggle seemed to have a life of it's own. In the workplace, I found myself with a mush mouth. I struggled to get words out, because I focused so much on getting the correct words out. I wanted to be precise and clear, yet I fumbled every word. I just remember how I would be in mid-sentence and just ending it, because I couldn't get the right word out. I started to wear reading glasses in the office and got braces put on my teeth. I actually thought it was kind of a "geeky" cool steez (style) on me and made me look like a 16 year old again. However, if you can imagine, this heightened my self-consciousness. I've always struggled with my weight as well. I know that I'm no where near my heaviest weight, yet I'm never satisfied and I always see that chubby kid in me. All of the situations mentioned have helped contribute to my Social Anxiety. I thought about listing experiences as a kid, but I think that is better left off for another time.

With all that being said, I do have a positive outlook. Shy and timid, I'm still a nice and likable person. I feel I've made significant progress in the past 8 months. I'm open to more progress and hope to keep on truckin'. I look forward to this journey I've been on and I'm always happy to see others truckin' along as well.

About My Blog

I'm not a stranger to blogging, yet I have an unbelievably hard time staying committed. I allow myself to get frustrated and veer off course. I tend to drift away and start new profiles/blogs elsewhere. If I could keep track and remember all the blog communities I've joined, there would be a long list. I've created profiles that were meant to blog about relationships, self-improvement, struggling as a designer, struggling as an artist, and I might have even done a finance blog.

I've done a great deal of browsing around, reading, replying, and most importantly... just learning. If I were to compare myself to others in the SA community, I seem to have approached SA from a different angle. I know I'm not alone, however it seems many involved in the community started there journey through web forums, posting, replying on threads, and blogging.

In my case, it never dawned on me to join a forum or to even blog about my struggles. In my journey, I googled "shyness" and ran across videos. I started to search and dig around and found very inspiring vlogs on youtube. I subscribed to many SA Vloggers and followed them on their journey while I started my own. I read up on SAD and kept a notebook of my own. I got myself a copy of "Overcoming Social Anxiety:Step by Step - by Dr. Thomas A. Richards" and I'm currently following the audio sessions. Information is power. As I learned more and started to apply what I've learned, I felt confident enough to start my own Vlogs. That's where I've been ever since my journey to recovery started. It wasn't until last week that I stumbled upon this great community along with the great resources available.

I'm not sure where I'll take my blog entries. I don't want the entries to only fixate on SA, but rather express my thoughts and life experiences (whether it deals with SA or not). I really hope I don't get discouraged just because I might go off tangent or find myself not sticking to the script. That's the only thing that I can see stunting my momentum.

With all that being said and no pressure on myself, here is where my blog begins.