Jury Summons

I have to report for Jury Duty tomorrow at 7:45 a.m. Prior to getting my noticed, I paid no attention to it. I didn't want to worry or add on to any anticipatory anxiety. All was well till this weekend. Now that it's confirmed and I do have to show up tomorrow, I'm on edge. The good thing is that I have anxieties that prevents me from eating and has me with butterflies in my stomach. I'm not worried about sweating (at least not for now). There's a mandatory orientation that we're suppose to take and if we take it online, I would of been able to appear an hour or two later than my report time.

I just missed the cut off time and it's my fault for paying close attention to it earlier. I know I have this feeling of nervousness, but the other good thing is that I'll probably won't have to deal with a big group of people since I'll be one of the first ones there.

I passed by the courtroom earlier today to see where the location is at. I didn't pass by the parking structure, but I've googled it. I'm certain I know where to go now.  I plan to leave my place no later than 7 a.m. It will possibly take 20 minutes to get there, and an extra 5 or 10 minutes to figure out the parking situation. Another 5 or 10 minutes to walk across the street, walk into the building and get through security procedures and go up onto the 6th floor. I believe I'll be part of a group that takes an in-person orientation (since I didn't do it online). After that, I'll be waiting in the jury room waiting to see if my group is called.

I'm not going to lie. I really hope I don't get called up. I hope I'm excused, but if I get selected. Then I get selected and I'll deal with it. It's new to me, but I know it's nothing to be completely worried about. It's not like I'll be on a jury that's overseeing a murder case. More likely a traffic violations case.

I should get some sleep. I'll wake up i about 6 hours.

*sigh*

Junior High Crushes

In junior high, I had crushes on the girls that everyone had a crush on. Looking back at it, I probably had as good of a chance as anyone else had (if not better). I was that shy, cute, and lovable kid. The only problem was, I never flirted back or wrote love notes to the girls.

It's so weird, but somewhat refreshing, to remember the type of kid I was. I'd like to think I was just like all the others kids who went to my school, just a tad bit shy. I remember that this part of my childhood was when all my friends where having girlfriends. They were making out with the girls behind the baseball cage. Yet, I was that shy kid who opted to go on a field trip to the planetarium rather then attend the Junior High Drug Free School Dance. I was that scared. I didn't want to be a wallflower. It was funny, because the dances I did attend after ended up being fun. The girls did want to dance with me. My friend and I also break danced, which "wowed" everyone.

Ok, back to where I was going with the story. I, like every other guy in my grade, had crushes on the popular girls. I never told anyone, because I didn't want to be teased. However, I still treated and talked to the girls all the same way. In band practice, I remember a girl named Alma. I talked to her like she was one of my guy friends. She joked around and I remember feeling comfortable with her. Eventually, she had a crush on me and I was flattered... but frightened. Even as a kid, I was self-conscious about what other kids might think. It freaked me out so, that I tried to be as polite as I could be to not break her heart. 

One of her friends came and talked to me after school trying to get the info. She started inquiring about me and if I liked Alma back in return. I tried to be nice and I don't know how it came I came off, but I remember hinting "ohhh, I hope she doesn't like me... "

It's weird that I even remember this story, because I've had to experience that situation a few times as an adult. And it still is never easy to politely let a girl down. I think too much. I think too much of not wanting to hurt the girls feelings and also not wanting to come off as a bad guy.

It's just funny how my experiences with junior high crushes is not any different then the experiences I've dealt with as an adult. The only difference now would be the immense pressure society (parents, family, people around us) puts on us and how we're suppose to fit a specific norm.

Here's to junior high crushes, to the girls who crushed my heart, and to the hearts I might have crushed.

We All Have Bad Day/Weekend

This probably was a bad weekend all together. More physically than mentally, yet the physicality dictated the mental aspect a bit.

I think I experienced a setback after all the gradual and progressive reinforcements I've been having. It's bound to happen, especially when you wouldn't think it would.

**updated (this is not a thought out entry. It's more of a rambling of thoughts):

I made a 3 hour long trek back home to spend some time with my parents. It was my Dad's Birthday on Saturday. After having sushi at a local restaurant with my sister, without any high level of self-consciousness or self-inducing anxiety, I shortly made my 3 hour drive back to my parents house.

Physically, I felt beat up. The sun was on my face the whole time. I was stupid and thought I'd try to get a sauna type workout. I drove without air conditioning probably 90% of the way. I built up a great sweat. At times when the temperature reached 95 degrees, I would  turn on my A/C.

I arrived at my parents house and indulged in home cooked food. After feeling a bit disappointed on Friday with my official weigh-in stats (I've been doing marathon training, resistance and interval training), I easily turn to food as comfort. That lead to over-indulging in sweets. Sweets are my weakness. I had two cups of Filipino Ice Cream: Ube and Macapuno (Coconut) flavored. I also had a cup of "Cookies n Cream" ice cream.

The following day we had a barbecue. I did pretty well and didn't pig out as much as I could have. However, I still over-ate and at times snacking was not even enjoyable (except for the ice cream).

I thought I'd message my friend, since I was still in town, to see if she wanted to meet for coffee. We made plans and I had no anticipatory anxieties about it at all. Starbucks has been a place where I've had anxiety driven sweat attacks. I really didn't think anything would happen. I had a headache and my muscles were aching and my thoughts were no where near my anxieties.

I get ready and this is probably where my anxieties got triggered. I'm putting on my deodorant and sprinkle baby powder on my face. I was thinking I'd prevent myself from facial sweating. For some reason, I had this image of myself looking a bit pale and sparkly. I think that crept into my head, but I thought I shook it out.

I arrive at Starbucks and met my friend in the parking lot. We walk in, we order drinks. I pay for it and it's no problem. We sit. We start chatting. We wait for our drinks. I get her drink and bring it to the table and we chat a bit more. My drink is ready and I go and get it.

This is when things go a bit awkward. I'm taking a sip out of my fruit smoothie and I'm suddenly paying attention to the air conditioning. I've noticed that the air has suddenly stopped. I try to focus on other things. I focused on my friend talking. All I see is her lips moving. I see her eyes looking at me. I see people outside. Then it happens. I'm feeling flushed. I'm warm. I know what's coming next. I was patting my forehead hoping to diffuse the situation.

Nope, I knew it was coming. I excuse myself to the little boys room. I blaze a path and I'm in the restroom patting my forehead. I'm seeing how my hair is starting to soak up the sweat. I'm in somewhat of a controlled panic. At this point, I'm usually feeling relieved knowing the worse has passed. However, that feeling never happened. I had a foreshadowing feeling that there was more left.

I get back to my seat and we continue our conversation. As a repeat cycle, all I see is her lips moving. I hear sounds coming out of her lips as I'm nodding and agreeing with whatever she might have been saying. I see her eyes. I'm feeling warm. I can no longer focus externally. My own thoughts are too loud and all I hear is "Should I cut this meet-up short? Should I tell her I have to go?"

I really could not believe I was thinking of "bailing" on the situation. I was more shocked at what was happening with me. I was just surprised, because it felt like it came out of left field. Luckily, my friend knows my "situation" and she witnessed this happening to me before (at our High School Reunion). She actually said she didn't notice the sweat till I brought it up. She seemed concerned, but didn't want to draw too much attention to it. After a few minutes, I had that "relieved" feeling and knew the worse had passed. After that happened, I was able engage in our conversation. We ended up talking for hours.

I know it was a setback. Rationally, it is a good indicator that I've made progress with all the Self-Help Cognitive Behavioral Therapy I've been doing. It was just at that initial moment I felt uncontrollably awful, because I honestly didn't anticipate or expect it to happen. This is one of those days I'd label as an all around "bad day".

On the bright side, I'm now able to see the positive and rational points in this event.

**end of long rant.

Quick Update

It seems I've started this blog to only abandon it. I've been keeping daily journals of my sleep habits, moods, exposures, and supplement intakes. I just haven't had time or inspiration to write an entry of substance.

I've also or have been trying to start a "runner's" blog. I'm training for a half-marathon that's in November, and I've also been doing this 16-Week Resistance & Interval Training that goes along with my 14-Week Marathon Training.

Last week I've been using an iPhone app to log in the foods I've been eating. I haven't been strict on calories. I was just curious to see the percentage of Fat, Carbs, and Protein I intake. Now that I've analyzed last week's percentages, I've been altering what I eat so that I can have more of a Protein rich diet this week.

After reading many "Forum" entries and unofficial research about Rhodiola Rosea, I placed an order for a bottle and started taking the supplements last Friday. It is said to help with your focus, mood, energy, and anxieties. It's suppose to be a subtle difference and not a big "jolt" as you would feel in caffeine. I did my research and made sure I got the appropriate kind. It's an adaptogen and it doesn't change anything in your body chemically. There is no side effects of addiction.

Do I feel any different? I can't really say. It's hard to say if my mood has changed because of the supplement, or because I continue to put in work on my SA. I still have anxieties, but I've always been able to manage them well. If anything, I was hoping it would help with concentration and focus so that it would help me organize my thoughts and with Cognitive Behavioral Therapy.

Here's to a slow month (my current client's web project). It will get busy and hectic for me next week. Trying to enjoy the downtime as much as I can.