We All Have Bad Day/Weekend

This probably was a bad weekend all together. More physically than mentally, yet the physicality dictated the mental aspect a bit.

I think I experienced a setback after all the gradual and progressive reinforcements I've been having. It's bound to happen, especially when you wouldn't think it would.

**updated (this is not a thought out entry. It's more of a rambling of thoughts):

I made a 3 hour long trek back home to spend some time with my parents. It was my Dad's Birthday on Saturday. After having sushi at a local restaurant with my sister, without any high level of self-consciousness or self-inducing anxiety, I shortly made my 3 hour drive back to my parents house.

Physically, I felt beat up. The sun was on my face the whole time. I was stupid and thought I'd try to get a sauna type workout. I drove without air conditioning probably 90% of the way. I built up a great sweat. At times when the temperature reached 95 degrees, I would  turn on my A/C.

I arrived at my parents house and indulged in home cooked food. After feeling a bit disappointed on Friday with my official weigh-in stats (I've been doing marathon training, resistance and interval training), I easily turn to food as comfort. That lead to over-indulging in sweets. Sweets are my weakness. I had two cups of Filipino Ice Cream: Ube and Macapuno (Coconut) flavored. I also had a cup of "Cookies n Cream" ice cream.

The following day we had a barbecue. I did pretty well and didn't pig out as much as I could have. However, I still over-ate and at times snacking was not even enjoyable (except for the ice cream).

I thought I'd message my friend, since I was still in town, to see if she wanted to meet for coffee. We made plans and I had no anticipatory anxieties about it at all. Starbucks has been a place where I've had anxiety driven sweat attacks. I really didn't think anything would happen. I had a headache and my muscles were aching and my thoughts were no where near my anxieties.

I get ready and this is probably where my anxieties got triggered. I'm putting on my deodorant and sprinkle baby powder on my face. I was thinking I'd prevent myself from facial sweating. For some reason, I had this image of myself looking a bit pale and sparkly. I think that crept into my head, but I thought I shook it out.

I arrive at Starbucks and met my friend in the parking lot. We walk in, we order drinks. I pay for it and it's no problem. We sit. We start chatting. We wait for our drinks. I get her drink and bring it to the table and we chat a bit more. My drink is ready and I go and get it.

This is when things go a bit awkward. I'm taking a sip out of my fruit smoothie and I'm suddenly paying attention to the air conditioning. I've noticed that the air has suddenly stopped. I try to focus on other things. I focused on my friend talking. All I see is her lips moving. I see her eyes looking at me. I see people outside. Then it happens. I'm feeling flushed. I'm warm. I know what's coming next. I was patting my forehead hoping to diffuse the situation.

Nope, I knew it was coming. I excuse myself to the little boys room. I blaze a path and I'm in the restroom patting my forehead. I'm seeing how my hair is starting to soak up the sweat. I'm in somewhat of a controlled panic. At this point, I'm usually feeling relieved knowing the worse has passed. However, that feeling never happened. I had a foreshadowing feeling that there was more left.

I get back to my seat and we continue our conversation. As a repeat cycle, all I see is her lips moving. I hear sounds coming out of her lips as I'm nodding and agreeing with whatever she might have been saying. I see her eyes. I'm feeling warm. I can no longer focus externally. My own thoughts are too loud and all I hear is "Should I cut this meet-up short? Should I tell her I have to go?"

I really could not believe I was thinking of "bailing" on the situation. I was more shocked at what was happening with me. I was just surprised, because it felt like it came out of left field. Luckily, my friend knows my "situation" and she witnessed this happening to me before (at our High School Reunion). She actually said she didn't notice the sweat till I brought it up. She seemed concerned, but didn't want to draw too much attention to it. After a few minutes, I had that "relieved" feeling and knew the worse had passed. After that happened, I was able engage in our conversation. We ended up talking for hours.

I know it was a setback. Rationally, it is a good indicator that I've made progress with all the Self-Help Cognitive Behavioral Therapy I've been doing. It was just at that initial moment I felt uncontrollably awful, because I honestly didn't anticipate or expect it to happen. This is one of those days I'd label as an all around "bad day".

On the bright side, I'm now able to see the positive and rational points in this event.

**end of long rant.