Squeezing in Time for Freewriting

It's been a long time since I've sat down in a quiet space. Allowing myself to freely think and self-reflect. The month's just go by fast for me. My half-marathon training is over and I'm sad to say that I've stopped working out. It all hit me at once. After completing my marathon and dealing with leg camps and dehydration. I was swamped with work, working late night hours for a web release. With the amount of hours at work and the amount of hours at sleep, compounded by the stress and tension in the work environment... I was bound to get sick and I did. I caught the bug that was floating around the office. I'm better now, but I have this lingering cough and slight chest congestion. I haven't ran in two weeks now. I actually did run the other week, but one time out of the whole week doesn't really count. I've been eating out for lunch and the late hours at work keep for a very unstable and bad forming habit.

I want to change all that. I finally worked out this weekend.  No freelancing, no crazy weekend work hours. I grabbed too much sleep on Saturday and felt a bit out of place. I had this thought in my head how I always put a smile on my face and somehow feel like I pretend to be happy, when the truth is... especially that day... I felt like crap. I felt out of my zone. I felt out of my comfort zone and I didn't know what to do to get it back. I've been unhappy about any weight gain I might have accrued. I'm unhappy with just feeling unhealthy.

It took me awhile, but I did workout on Saturday. I focused on strength training. I slept great on Saturday. I woke up with just the right amount of sleep and I did nothing but watch football all day. I worked out again focusing on strength training (with my legs this time). Tomorrow I plan to wake up bright and early to go for a nice easy jog. It won't be easy, but I'll take it a slower pace. Hopefully it doesn't rain, because I know that wil deter me from running.

So that's where I'm at. I work Wednesday night for a special web release, so I'm not sure when I'll be taking off on Thanksgiving for my parents house. I'll probably miss Thanksgiving Lunch, but make it for Thanksgiving leftovers and have it for dinner. My best-friend will be in town. Hopeful I'll get to meet up with him and catch up on stuff.

The holidays are here. I never really enjoy them, but I'm fortunate to have a much more stable financial situation this year. I can feel good about spending and even give out ifts this year. I only give out gifts to those that are close to me.

Anyways.... that's where I'm at... physically, mentally, and... spiritually I guess.

Till next time.... Happy Holidays!

I Miss...

... Writing.

At times it's my worse enemy, because I'm left alone with my thoughts. However, at times I miss it dearly.  Why? Because it means I don't get enough time to myself. I haven't had time to self-reflect on things. On life. On my life. On how I'm making progress and how I feel about being 30. I need to make time in the near future, but until then... I'll be busy working.

A Visit to the Local Bakery Shop

I woke up this morning feeling a bit "blah". It's the weekend and I knocked out last night without eating dinner. I fell asleep in an awkward position on a stiff pillow. Upon waking up (on my own and without any alarm) I just felt stiff. I felt "blah" and unmotivated for anything. I showered. I look really scruffy. I started growing out a mustache a month ago and I have a beard shadow as well. In my mind, I look and feel like sh*t. Well, not sh*t, but just not 100% socially flexible. I do great at work. I went on a lunch meeting yesterday with my department. I'm able to interact, even with certain tensions flairing with other coworkers towards other coworkers. Even with certain negative feelings from others, I'm still able to flourish.

I even had a lunch meeting with the company I do freelance with. I got my balls busted, because I basically offered information to the Art Director that I did take a contract position with my old company. He teased with me and joked around, but it was all in fun.

So, I look at those situations and I don't even see any problems or how I'm able to socially interact with them consciously and functionally. I guess it has to do with familiarity. I've become familiar with them and accustomed so the thought of anxiety doesn't quite enter my head.

Now this morning, I had to run one important errand. I wanted to get this Red Velvet Cake that my sister loves. It's for her birthday. She knows I'm getting her a cake, but I still want to make it somewhat of a surprise.

I went into the local bakery shop. I've gone in successfully before and I really didn't think nothing of it this morning. I walked in and it was a tad crowded. I got asked for help, so I told them I wanted a red velvet cake. They asked if I wanted anything written, I told them "Happy Birthday". I'm waiting around and the shop is a bit warm. I try to focus on the pastries and look at what's in the window. I'm trying to mix into the crowd and look at the stuff. When the crowd empties and it's just me and I see 5 or 6 other coworkers looking at me. One or two of them asking if I've been help. I feel this change in chemistry within me. My body warms up. I'm feeling sweat beads forming and the person that did help me is still away. I place myself under this vent where there's cold air, but I'm still feeling a bit warm and bothered.

The person who helps me is finally back. Shows me the cake and starts to fold a box to place the cake in. I'm a bit jumpy and ready to pull the trigger. I tried giving her my credit card when she was still taping up the box and I had one of them "moments" where I was like "dooohhhhh".  So I pay for my stuff and I tried to wipe as much sweat away from my facial area before she turned and looked at me. It didn't feel that bad, but I knew I was sweating.

Once I walked out of the bakery shop, I had a big sigh of relief, but when I looked at my reflection of the car.... Holy Sh*t did it look like I had sweating bullets running down the side of my face. This is one of those moments I've had in awhile where I'm in my car thinking.. "Sh*t, wtf? Why and how did this just come all about with more intensity?"

Anywho... it has passed and I don't feel the need to beat myself up over it anymore than it needs to be. It happened. It passed. It's over. On to the next one.