Can't Find Shoes

There have been many things that have happen since my last entry. I would like to write about them, like my current and past panic/sweating attacks or how the weather is so much nicer back at my apartment then back home at my parents. I would like to and I should return back to those thoughts and events, but I'd like to vent out about my current situation.

My friend (and former coworker at my old job) contacted me during my first week back at my apartment. He asked if I was still available for work and that my old job is still seeking help. It seems the temp workers they've been getting can't seem to stick or they've flee to better jobs. I told him I was available and he told me to contact my former manager. I did and my former manager filled me in. He gave me certain options and what options would get me through the door quicker. I had to go through an agency and I've been in contact with one ever since I quit my old job. I can't say they've been great to me, because the last job this agency sent me to... I wasn't told the pay rate and I was a bit mislead.

This time around, there were many factors coming into play. The agency wasn't finding me a job, I actually found them a job/client. I knew my worth, value, and position.

Soo.. back to Friday. I received a call shortly after my former manager informs me that he contacted my recruiter/agent. My agent tells me I've been requested, etc., etc., etc., and tries to sneak in at the end of the conversation... "Oh and it will be $X amount per hour, we'll see you on Tuesday, okay?"

She basically was trying to get me on board without negotiating my pay rate. It didn't sit will with me, but I didn't know how to negotiate. I didn't know how to bring it up. I didn't know what words to say. I fumbled and mumbled my way into it, trying to explain that I had requirements. I felt as if she saw me as dimwit and trudged along and kept getting me to agree with going.

Unfortunately, I did give a questionable "ummm, okay" answer. This past week was spent stressing out and figuring out what my next action would be. I prepared. I listed my skills. My strong points. My relationship with the company they are assigning me to. My relationship with the Web Director, Web Manager, and the entire web team.

Monday came and I sent my agent a nice detailed email. I stated the points above and reminded her what my pay rate is with my freelance projects. I stated why they cost that much and how I have other experiences with other agencies. Then I ended it with declining her offer.

That agent called my phone within seconds, yet I didn't pick up. I couldn't pick up. I knew if she got a hold of me on the phone, my words would turn to mush. She followed up with an email and I replied back to that email during mid-day. It worked. I made her sweat it out rather than me struggling. She really wanted me to take up the job and was guaging what pay rate I would look for. I didn't give speciics as I was advised by my friend (former coworker).

Today (well yesterday, Tuesday) came and the real negotiations started. My former manager confirmed that the HR department has approved my "contract" work and re-joining the web team and my agent emailed confirming the same, but offered a much lower than expected pay rate again.

At that point, I thought... "well it was a good run, time to use the other agency for the job". I replied back to the agent that I would have to decline. She emailed me back within seconds AGAIN and asked what it would take. I was in the midst of replying back, when she emailed a 2nd time within a few minutes. She said she really wants me to get on board and would even talk to her VP. My friend (former coworker) told me that I basically had her in my hands. To be honest, I've never been in this position or never would get myself in this "power" position. I know it's just not me, but I admit it's a bit exciting. To them, it's business as usual. But for me, I'm to attached emotionally and mentally and I tend to avoid rather than deal. If I didn't know what I knew now, I would of folded and accepted at the very first offer she sent me on Friday.

When I did email her back, I told her a higher rate is what it would take. She raised the offer and it was better. Not quite what I expected, but it was better. I tried one more time to raise it and finally gave her a price to see if she can match. She raised it just a little more and a buck short of my suggestion. So... I actually got a good contract worked out and I settled with a pay rate that was higher than my actual "go-ahead" rate.

So.. I start today at 9:00am at my old work place. It's a bit weird. I'm a bit nervous and I don't know what to expect. I don't feel as if I'll have a sweating episode, yet I'm letting it linger in my thoughts. I've been making sure I have all the stuff I need for tomorrow's work day. I just want to feel comfortable. Then... as things will have it... There's always a catch. I somehow left my dress shoes back home at my parents house (I brought them for an interview/meeting with a client a few months back). I tried on my clothes and they seem to fit more snug. I think I let myself go a little bit and I'm also not use to wearing business casual clothes again. As I'm scrambling and figuring out what to wear and what I should do. I'm a bit more calm. I'll drive and get to the work area an hour early. Go to Target to buy some cheap dress shoes. Give myself enough time to mentally and physically cool down and be prepared.

I'm ready to do this. I admit. I probably will not feel physically ready. But I have to get myself into the game. I feel like a boxer going into his training camp on the first day. A bit heavy, but in due time... I'll be back in fighting shape. Time to pay some bills.