Slumming It on a Saturday

I'm making and taking the time to write tonight. I'm on one of my lazy & down moods from my chaotic work week cycles. Recent experiences have made me want to record, vent, and work through my thoughts. Work has been an on-going, hectic and chaotic environment. The company I left nearly 2 years ago, and  rejoined a year later has been filled with much indirect drama.

Personal Finances

I've been able to recover and grow substantially. My car has been paid off and it's a car I'm still in love with. I'm more about style rather than flash. When I worked solely on freelance, I basically broke even so that I can eat, sleep, work, and live at home. Due to my avoidance of having a social life, I am able to live well below my means and enjoy simple things. I enjoy much smaller groups and more quality time with friends and family. I splurge on things once in awhile that I enjoy (running, snowboarding, etc.). It does feel good to know I have retirement, investment, and emergency funds at hand. I think critics (whoever they might be) would tell me I'm not living a complete life because I pass up on "living in the moment". Yet, I think everyone's definition of "living the life" is different. True, I tend to be shy, timid, and avoid things but I enjoy very simple things (but yes… I'm aware that I need to break down walls and not avoid everyone or everything at every moment).

Health and Fitness

This year has been good to me. I'm a year older and I can prominently feel the aches and pain more from training now. My back and calves ache during long runs. My recovery time is not as quick as it use to be. However, I've been able to stay at a 160 - 163 lb weight. It went up to 180lbs this past winter and it got me to wake up. My body measurements are in a good place and my body composition has been solid. I don't have the six pack that I want, but I try to balance the time I have with work, fitness, and life. It's a hard balance at times, but I try to stay consistent. If stress doesn't get to me, I can eat healthy for months. However, if I'm on the bad end of a chaotic work-stress cycle, I break into bad junk-food habits that lead me through periods of inactivity.

Personal Development & Progress

Whenever I list out achievements and/or progress, I feel like I'm making excuses for things I haven't done or should be doing. I tend to be hard on myself. Yet, I'll go on…

Anxiety is a part of life. It's normal. It's healthy, even though that might not sound right. However, it's unhealthy when you allow it to control your life in every aspect. If I were to compare my state of mind with last year or years prior, I feel like I've made much progress. I have more experience and knowledge about things. Yet, it feels like I've had to relearn how to be confident over things I've never had problems with before. I've felt like I've gained much of my confidence back. Looking back at it, I think getting reading glasses and dealing with braces for 2 years made me feel very self-conscious. Being in my mid-twenties I had a chip on my shoulder about people asking why I'm still single. Questioning why I'm not with anyone. I think that did a lot to break me down. 

Yes, I still get comments about that, but the way I'm able to handle things are much better. For some reason, when I turned 30 last year… I didn't freakout as much as I thought I would. I feel as if I'm coming of age and I'm growing into who I feel I should be.

Dealing with Social Anxiety and Panic Attacks

I still have my bouts with 'em. However, I don't feel like I take them too serious as I use to. I do get major panic attacks during certain occasions, but I've been able to go about my life.

Being on a low right now, I can see why I had a small freakout yesterday. Like I mentioned earlier, the work week has been stressful and I'm on the low-end of a chaotic week. Yesterday (Friday) I had a meeting with my team's new boss. We basically had to give a progress report on the projects we have. We list out our actual time spent on a task vs the estimated time we gave early in the week. It's bullish*t and it's really an extra job/tasks for myself and another coworker, because it's really something to keep one coworker in check. When one person abuses the system, the rest of us have to endure the micromanagement being done.

Shortly after that, I took off from work early, because I didn't take my lunch. I met up with a friend (old coworker) for drinks. She invited her coworkers, but only one showed up. I felt rushed, because I was running late. It also didn't help that I parked on the opposite side of the shopping area we met up at. Also, it was sunny and 90 degree weather. I should of took my time walking, but I didn't. When I stepped inside the place and sat down, my body was in overdrive and it was trying to cool down. They sat in a booth and under a spotlight. I started to sweat. I was okay, but I let the small panic thoughts get to me. I excused myself to the bathroom, but that didn't' help. I really knew I had to walk around and get active rather than let the thoughts get to me. I excused myself again and pretended I needed to make a call. I stepped outside to walk but that seemed to make it worse cuz it was warm outside. I had to find a nice cool spot. Luckily, I found the public restroom to be fully air conditioned with much more privacy as well. It was nice and cold. I was basically sitting in a stall just cooling off. It felt good to just breathe deeply and cool down. After I was cool, calm and collected, I walked slowly back to the restaurant and jumped into there conversation. It was all good after that.

Today though, I feel lazy. An aftermath from the 2 glasses of beer I had. I've been eating carbs like crazy today and consuming so much caffeine. I need to stop. I think I just vented out my sh*t for the week and I feel good :)

I hope everyone has a great weekend.

P.S. It's Sunday and I'm adding on to this. I'm trying to put up a good fight, because I'm letting all these bad habits get the best of me. I feel like doing nothing and just eating. I stepped outside earlier to walk my dog. I'm about to clean up the house rather than feel horrible and work on freelance projects while drinking coffee. I just hate this feeling and this part of the weekend I'm in. Something's got to give. I've got to put some more work into it.

Another Weekend...

I'm going through another weekend of just feeling lazy and low. Another depressed state of mind? I'm not sure what to call it, but I always go through it. It's sunny and beautiful outside, yet I don't feel like going out or being active. My workout routine is out the door and I have a self-defeatist attitude. :(

I always encounter these episodes after chaotic weeks. Yes, this past week was another chaotic one. I'm losing grip and finding it hard to find balance. When I don't plan things out, my sh*t is out of whack. My diet, my workout, my rational thinking goes out the door. All the confidence I've built u in the past 4 month's seem to have deteriorated.

It's not going to be built back up overnight and I do have to start somewhere. I need to start up again. Writing is a start. It gets irrational thinking out of my head. Well maybe not out of my head, but it gets it sorted out. It let's me rationalize things.

"IF YOU CHANGE NOTHING, NOTHING WILL CHANGE"

Rambling Thoughts in June

This weekend has been a disaster. The thought of "writing" it out helped, but it took me awhile to finally do it. So there are things I feel, think, and see as a disaster manifesting or repeating itself. Dealing with one busy work week after another,  the weekends are an invitation to vegetate. It makes me more susceptible to my depressed state of thinking and feeling. I've been taking st. johns wort and trying to focus on healthy eating and fitness on my weekends, but when that gate breaks. I'm just flooded.

Let's start with my on-going fitness tug-of-war. Earlier this month, I finished my half-marathon training and I felt good about it. There were high points in that training when I got down to 160lbs with a toned body. Once I hit that imaginary number/wall, I couldn't get passed it and would go up a pound and down a pound. I stopped focusing on that number and focused on getting fresh legs. After running my marathon, I decided I needed to start a fitness-training-program again. I took a week off and allowed my body to rest and recover. I did the official weigh in and measurements. I was surprised to see I only put on a pound and hardly gained any inches on my body measurements. A week of making sure my Carb-Protein-Fat ration was consistent and that I continued to workout (primarily more resistance training), I just felt "blah" during my scheduled weigh-ins. Last weekend (I know this is an excuse), I went back home and indulged in bbq and all that other stuff. I got back on track, but shortly fell off track starting on Friday. I overloaded on carbs. Continued with that cycle on Saturday and well into Sunday. :( I got some workouts in, but they felt useless. Just the feeling of being "un-fit" put me in my own mental prison again.

I think I got myself free'd up and I'm ready to hit the road running tomorrow, but it's been a very unproductive, lazy, and mentally unfocused weekend.

I stared thinking about Social Anxiety and experiences I've had recently. I still get panic attacks, but I see the relationship between that and work-stress management. Work has been kicking my ass and the stress from it is slowly creeping up on me. If I get a good hold on it, then I have a good hold on my workouts, which usually lead me to have a good hold on my eating habits. However, if one things gets thrown off, the rest follows :(

My mind and thoughts wander. This weekend, while picking up sandwiches at a nearby restaurant with my sister. I got that feeling. The way the restaurant is  setup for pickup. You walk past an outside area where there are people eating. The inside is cramped. I'm waiting with my sister and patiently waiting for them to call my number. The place starts to feel more cramped as people walk in. I sit down, put my head down, and just try to stay loose. Yet, my body is overheating. I feel sweat forming and I don't fight it. I just try to relax as much as I can. Moments like that are tough, but there's no easy way to take it in. Best way to deal with it is to just acknowledge it and to let it run its course. The more you deny it and fight it, the more intense the panic becomes and the longer it resides with you.

I beat up myself today. I ate a big chocolate chip cookie, one dark chocolate bar. I probably had an 800 calorie beef broccoli dish for lunch. I've also been drinking an extraordinary amount of coffee lately. It's the sugar. I'm addicted to the sugar and caffeine. :( I need to regain control over it. I'm not saying cut it off, but I need to set a limit.

This is my (re)start. It's a good way of managing my thoughts. Tomorrow is another day. The damage that has been done is yesterday's doing and needs to stay there. I can work with what I have and it's good to know I'm still in great shape. I might have lost a little confidence in myself, but I still have plenty. Time to put in the work.