Rambling Thoughts in June

This weekend has been a disaster. The thought of "writing" it out helped, but it took me awhile to finally do it. So there are things I feel, think, and see as a disaster manifesting or repeating itself. Dealing with one busy work week after another,  the weekends are an invitation to vegetate. It makes me more susceptible to my depressed state of thinking and feeling. I've been taking st. johns wort and trying to focus on healthy eating and fitness on my weekends, but when that gate breaks. I'm just flooded.

Let's start with my on-going fitness tug-of-war. Earlier this month, I finished my half-marathon training and I felt good about it. There were high points in that training when I got down to 160lbs with a toned body. Once I hit that imaginary number/wall, I couldn't get passed it and would go up a pound and down a pound. I stopped focusing on that number and focused on getting fresh legs. After running my marathon, I decided I needed to start a fitness-training-program again. I took a week off and allowed my body to rest and recover. I did the official weigh in and measurements. I was surprised to see I only put on a pound and hardly gained any inches on my body measurements. A week of making sure my Carb-Protein-Fat ration was consistent and that I continued to workout (primarily more resistance training), I just felt "blah" during my scheduled weigh-ins. Last weekend (I know this is an excuse), I went back home and indulged in bbq and all that other stuff. I got back on track, but shortly fell off track starting on Friday. I overloaded on carbs. Continued with that cycle on Saturday and well into Sunday. :( I got some workouts in, but they felt useless. Just the feeling of being "un-fit" put me in my own mental prison again.

I think I got myself free'd up and I'm ready to hit the road running tomorrow, but it's been a very unproductive, lazy, and mentally unfocused weekend.

I stared thinking about Social Anxiety and experiences I've had recently. I still get panic attacks, but I see the relationship between that and work-stress management. Work has been kicking my ass and the stress from it is slowly creeping up on me. If I get a good hold on it, then I have a good hold on my workouts, which usually lead me to have a good hold on my eating habits. However, if one things gets thrown off, the rest follows :(

My mind and thoughts wander. This weekend, while picking up sandwiches at a nearby restaurant with my sister. I got that feeling. The way the restaurant is  setup for pickup. You walk past an outside area where there are people eating. The inside is cramped. I'm waiting with my sister and patiently waiting for them to call my number. The place starts to feel more cramped as people walk in. I sit down, put my head down, and just try to stay loose. Yet, my body is overheating. I feel sweat forming and I don't fight it. I just try to relax as much as I can. Moments like that are tough, but there's no easy way to take it in. Best way to deal with it is to just acknowledge it and to let it run its course. The more you deny it and fight it, the more intense the panic becomes and the longer it resides with you.

I beat up myself today. I ate a big chocolate chip cookie, one dark chocolate bar. I probably had an 800 calorie beef broccoli dish for lunch. I've also been drinking an extraordinary amount of coffee lately. It's the sugar. I'm addicted to the sugar and caffeine. :( I need to regain control over it. I'm not saying cut it off, but I need to set a limit.

This is my (re)start. It's a good way of managing my thoughts. Tomorrow is another day. The damage that has been done is yesterday's doing and needs to stay there. I can work with what I have and it's good to know I'm still in great shape. I might have lost a little confidence in myself, but I still have plenty. Time to put in the work.