Slumming It on a Saturday

I'm making and taking the time to write tonight. I'm on one of my lazy & down moods from my chaotic work week cycles. Recent experiences have made me want to record, vent, and work through my thoughts. Work has been an on-going, hectic and chaotic environment. The company I left nearly 2 years ago, and  rejoined a year later has been filled with much indirect drama.

Personal Finances

I've been able to recover and grow substantially. My car has been paid off and it's a car I'm still in love with. I'm more about style rather than flash. When I worked solely on freelance, I basically broke even so that I can eat, sleep, work, and live at home. Due to my avoidance of having a social life, I am able to live well below my means and enjoy simple things. I enjoy much smaller groups and more quality time with friends and family. I splurge on things once in awhile that I enjoy (running, snowboarding, etc.). It does feel good to know I have retirement, investment, and emergency funds at hand. I think critics (whoever they might be) would tell me I'm not living a complete life because I pass up on "living in the moment". Yet, I think everyone's definition of "living the life" is different. True, I tend to be shy, timid, and avoid things but I enjoy very simple things (but yes… I'm aware that I need to break down walls and not avoid everyone or everything at every moment).

Health and Fitness

This year has been good to me. I'm a year older and I can prominently feel the aches and pain more from training now. My back and calves ache during long runs. My recovery time is not as quick as it use to be. However, I've been able to stay at a 160 - 163 lb weight. It went up to 180lbs this past winter and it got me to wake up. My body measurements are in a good place and my body composition has been solid. I don't have the six pack that I want, but I try to balance the time I have with work, fitness, and life. It's a hard balance at times, but I try to stay consistent. If stress doesn't get to me, I can eat healthy for months. However, if I'm on the bad end of a chaotic work-stress cycle, I break into bad junk-food habits that lead me through periods of inactivity.

Personal Development & Progress

Whenever I list out achievements and/or progress, I feel like I'm making excuses for things I haven't done or should be doing. I tend to be hard on myself. Yet, I'll go on…

Anxiety is a part of life. It's normal. It's healthy, even though that might not sound right. However, it's unhealthy when you allow it to control your life in every aspect. If I were to compare my state of mind with last year or years prior, I feel like I've made much progress. I have more experience and knowledge about things. Yet, it feels like I've had to relearn how to be confident over things I've never had problems with before. I've felt like I've gained much of my confidence back. Looking back at it, I think getting reading glasses and dealing with braces for 2 years made me feel very self-conscious. Being in my mid-twenties I had a chip on my shoulder about people asking why I'm still single. Questioning why I'm not with anyone. I think that did a lot to break me down. 

Yes, I still get comments about that, but the way I'm able to handle things are much better. For some reason, when I turned 30 last year… I didn't freakout as much as I thought I would. I feel as if I'm coming of age and I'm growing into who I feel I should be.

Dealing with Social Anxiety and Panic Attacks

I still have my bouts with 'em. However, I don't feel like I take them too serious as I use to. I do get major panic attacks during certain occasions, but I've been able to go about my life.

Being on a low right now, I can see why I had a small freakout yesterday. Like I mentioned earlier, the work week has been stressful and I'm on the low-end of a chaotic week. Yesterday (Friday) I had a meeting with my team's new boss. We basically had to give a progress report on the projects we have. We list out our actual time spent on a task vs the estimated time we gave early in the week. It's bullish*t and it's really an extra job/tasks for myself and another coworker, because it's really something to keep one coworker in check. When one person abuses the system, the rest of us have to endure the micromanagement being done.

Shortly after that, I took off from work early, because I didn't take my lunch. I met up with a friend (old coworker) for drinks. She invited her coworkers, but only one showed up. I felt rushed, because I was running late. It also didn't help that I parked on the opposite side of the shopping area we met up at. Also, it was sunny and 90 degree weather. I should of took my time walking, but I didn't. When I stepped inside the place and sat down, my body was in overdrive and it was trying to cool down. They sat in a booth and under a spotlight. I started to sweat. I was okay, but I let the small panic thoughts get to me. I excused myself to the bathroom, but that didn't' help. I really knew I had to walk around and get active rather than let the thoughts get to me. I excused myself again and pretended I needed to make a call. I stepped outside to walk but that seemed to make it worse cuz it was warm outside. I had to find a nice cool spot. Luckily, I found the public restroom to be fully air conditioned with much more privacy as well. It was nice and cold. I was basically sitting in a stall just cooling off. It felt good to just breathe deeply and cool down. After I was cool, calm and collected, I walked slowly back to the restaurant and jumped into there conversation. It was all good after that.

Today though, I feel lazy. An aftermath from the 2 glasses of beer I had. I've been eating carbs like crazy today and consuming so much caffeine. I need to stop. I think I just vented out my sh*t for the week and I feel good :)

I hope everyone has a great weekend.

P.S. It's Sunday and I'm adding on to this. I'm trying to put up a good fight, because I'm letting all these bad habits get the best of me. I feel like doing nothing and just eating. I stepped outside earlier to walk my dog. I'm about to clean up the house rather than feel horrible and work on freelance projects while drinking coffee. I just hate this feeling and this part of the weekend I'm in. Something's got to give. I've got to put some more work into it.