I woke up in the middle of the day again. I did better today waking up at 10 am rather than at noon. I feel a little beat up. I cut out drinking coffee at night, but staying up till 4 a.m. and trying to wake up makes me feel strung out (not that I know what strung out really feels like). I'm a bit bum. I've said that when it rains, it pours. That seems to be cast. I was overwhelmed with the amount of smaller projects I received. Now, it seems small things involving potential work or work itself is falling apart little by little. A client/friend and I had a long video conference yesterday. I was frustrated that no design was chosen still, yet they want something built out ASAP. Instead he will be building out a design himself, which is fine, but as a designer I'm a bit baffled. You want me to design and produce a website, but then the client opts for a iWeb theme from a Mac instead. Go figure, but that's how things usually work. I remember in the corporate world, the most talented designers would present this nice flash based website and it's capabilities. The higher ups would nod there head and be in awe, then the following week they would be in disagreement and seem to prefer a power point presentation as there new website rather than what was presented earlier.
*SIGH* I need to change things. I don't like how I'm feeling right now. I can feel it's a combination of what I'm eating and how I'm dealing with the stress...
Monday, January 31, 2011
Sunday, January 30, 2011
5 Minute Freewriting #25
It's hard to let go. Let go of control. Let go of restrictions. Let go of fitting into a certain format. I started writing yesterday. I found myself trying to organize my writing and fit it in a chronological hierarchy. I ended up writing too much, in detail, about past weeks when I nearly wanted to make the point that I recognize certain patterns. I have the writing on a notepad, but I've become very unmotivated in finishing it. I also realize that I've neglected the magic of freewriting. No boundaries. No restrictions. No rules. No limits. I can change the topic without looking back or not. I'm not restricted to one point or another. It's a good way to vent and get ideas.
I woke up this morning feeling strung out. Strung out from a coffee binge. Control. I have a hard time with control. I either have too much control. Or I might become over-controlling in my routine, that I end up wanting to get away from what I was trying to control.
I'm trying to get back to where I was, but that can be difficult. Instead of trying to return to the same form, I probably should strive to progress and build from there. Set out for short term goals and eventually lead up to my bigger goals. It's hard. You tend to look back and get discouraged from any small occurences. I weighed-in yesterday and lost a pound. I weighed-in this morning and gained 3. This is what I mean with discouragements.
Music can be a game changer. The only problem for me is that I get tired of my music within days, because I have it on loop 24/7.
Current music on loop. Korean Pop Music.
"T.O.P - Turn It Up"
The song is hella swag and the video is swag on a hundred. I can't explain it, but it makes me feel like I'm exuding swag when dressing up. Hella swag.
I woke up this morning feeling strung out. Strung out from a coffee binge. Control. I have a hard time with control. I either have too much control. Or I might become over-controlling in my routine, that I end up wanting to get away from what I was trying to control.
I'm trying to get back to where I was, but that can be difficult. Instead of trying to return to the same form, I probably should strive to progress and build from there. Set out for short term goals and eventually lead up to my bigger goals. It's hard. You tend to look back and get discouraged from any small occurences. I weighed-in yesterday and lost a pound. I weighed-in this morning and gained 3. This is what I mean with discouragements.
Music can be a game changer. The only problem for me is that I get tired of my music within days, because I have it on loop 24/7.
Current music on loop. Korean Pop Music.
"T.O.P - Turn It Up"
The song is hella swag and the video is swag on a hundred. I can't explain it, but it makes me feel like I'm exuding swag when dressing up. Hella swag.
Saturday, January 22, 2011
Lunch & Deodorants
Today was eventful for me. I set out to be more active this week: active with my projects, cbt, and social exposure. For the most part, I've succeeded in being active in all three areas.
I planned a lunch meetup with two former coworkers. I chatted with them online and talks of possible freelance/contract work came up. One coworker is skilled and tries to be positive, while the other coworker complains and is very negative. The positive coworker and I knew we wouldn't be able to discuss the job opportunity with the negative coworker during lunch, so we actually planned another lunch meet-up between the two of us next week.
I got ready for the days lunch meet-up and I've also been trying this over-the-counter clinical strength anti-perspirant. It claims to have a 24-hour wetness protection (or wetness resistance). You put it on before you go to bed and it works throughout the day, even after you shower in the morning. How effective is it? It's okay at best. For me, it doesn't fully keep me dry, but I recognize my shirt's don't really show any big sweat marks. It also helps that I don't freak out or give too much thought about my underarm sweating as much as I use to.
I'm dressed, ready and on the road for this beautiful, sunny, 75 degree, Southern California, 30-minute commute to a Sandwich joint. The food was great, especially when my (negative) coworker treated us to lunch. Everything was good, except for the negative coworker. It was nice talking to him, and I entertained his thoughts and beliefs, but it was very draining. I felt like I became his therapists. He's very negative about the workplace and stubborn with his own beliefs. He talks about how crappy the place is and how crappy the authority figures are. He talks about how I shouldn't fancy the thought of doing work for the company. He goes on to say how happy I look (which I have no idea how he came up with that conclusion), implying that it's a result from quitting the company nearly 8 months ago. It was hard to sprinkle "random" life topics to the conversation, but I endured. My other coworker had to keep a tight lid on "work" talk, because he had to endure more of that when they headed back for work.
I don't know how to explain it, but I felt very drained. On my drive back home, I felt like I just sparred in the ring for a few rounds. I had to stop by and get coffee, just so I could get back to working on a design layout. I chatted online with the positive coworker. We scheduled another lunch, but this time just himself and I. We both mentioned how draining it was at lunch. I can understand and feel for my (negative) coworker, but he doesn't do anything to change it. Everything he complains about is really a projection of how he see's himself or feels about himself. It's hard to explain. I know things are easier said than done, but he is miserable because he chooses to be miserable. For someone who despises and complains about the workplace—he also discourages the new temp workers to not take a full-time position—why doesn't he put his money where his mouth is? Why doesn't he quit, even if he doesn't have anything lined up, and figure things out for himself and I'm sure he'll find out how "valuable" he is to himself and any company that would seek him. I really don't mean to talk down on this person, because he is a good guy and he has good intentions (he just chooses to the opposite side).
On paper, I seem to have done a good job on everything. All the positives I have going for me and the progress made are there, but for one reason or another, I can only feel the stress of today's events. There are somedays where you realize that life is more than just Social Anxieties. That there is other sh*t out there. There there are worse scenarios. Today could have been one of those days, but the main sticking point is that I "experienced" rather than avoided.
I planned a lunch meetup with two former coworkers. I chatted with them online and talks of possible freelance/contract work came up. One coworker is skilled and tries to be positive, while the other coworker complains and is very negative. The positive coworker and I knew we wouldn't be able to discuss the job opportunity with the negative coworker during lunch, so we actually planned another lunch meet-up between the two of us next week.
***
I got ready for the days lunch meet-up and I've also been trying this over-the-counter clinical strength anti-perspirant. It claims to have a 24-hour wetness protection (or wetness resistance). You put it on before you go to bed and it works throughout the day, even after you shower in the morning. How effective is it? It's okay at best. For me, it doesn't fully keep me dry, but I recognize my shirt's don't really show any big sweat marks. It also helps that I don't freak out or give too much thought about my underarm sweating as much as I use to.
***
I'm dressed, ready and on the road for this beautiful, sunny, 75 degree, Southern California, 30-minute commute to a Sandwich joint. The food was great, especially when my (negative) coworker treated us to lunch. Everything was good, except for the negative coworker. It was nice talking to him, and I entertained his thoughts and beliefs, but it was very draining. I felt like I became his therapists. He's very negative about the workplace and stubborn with his own beliefs. He talks about how crappy the place is and how crappy the authority figures are. He talks about how I shouldn't fancy the thought of doing work for the company. He goes on to say how happy I look (which I have no idea how he came up with that conclusion), implying that it's a result from quitting the company nearly 8 months ago. It was hard to sprinkle "random" life topics to the conversation, but I endured. My other coworker had to keep a tight lid on "work" talk, because he had to endure more of that when they headed back for work.
I don't know how to explain it, but I felt very drained. On my drive back home, I felt like I just sparred in the ring for a few rounds. I had to stop by and get coffee, just so I could get back to working on a design layout. I chatted online with the positive coworker. We scheduled another lunch, but this time just himself and I. We both mentioned how draining it was at lunch. I can understand and feel for my (negative) coworker, but he doesn't do anything to change it. Everything he complains about is really a projection of how he see's himself or feels about himself. It's hard to explain. I know things are easier said than done, but he is miserable because he chooses to be miserable. For someone who despises and complains about the workplace—he also discourages the new temp workers to not take a full-time position—why doesn't he put his money where his mouth is? Why doesn't he quit, even if he doesn't have anything lined up, and figure things out for himself and I'm sure he'll find out how "valuable" he is to himself and any company that would seek him. I really don't mean to talk down on this person, because he is a good guy and he has good intentions (he just chooses to the opposite side).
On paper, I seem to have done a good job on everything. All the positives I have going for me and the progress made are there, but for one reason or another, I can only feel the stress of today's events. There are somedays where you realize that life is more than just Social Anxieties. That there is other sh*t out there. There there are worse scenarios. Today could have been one of those days, but the main sticking point is that I "experienced" rather than avoided.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)