Rambling Thoughts in June

This weekend has been a disaster. The thought of "writing" it out helped, but it took me awhile to finally do it. So there are things I feel, think, and see as a disaster manifesting or repeating itself. Dealing with one busy work week after another,  the weekends are an invitation to vegetate. It makes me more susceptible to my depressed state of thinking and feeling. I've been taking st. johns wort and trying to focus on healthy eating and fitness on my weekends, but when that gate breaks. I'm just flooded.

Let's start with my on-going fitness tug-of-war. Earlier this month, I finished my half-marathon training and I felt good about it. There were high points in that training when I got down to 160lbs with a toned body. Once I hit that imaginary number/wall, I couldn't get passed it and would go up a pound and down a pound. I stopped focusing on that number and focused on getting fresh legs. After running my marathon, I decided I needed to start a fitness-training-program again. I took a week off and allowed my body to rest and recover. I did the official weigh in and measurements. I was surprised to see I only put on a pound and hardly gained any inches on my body measurements. A week of making sure my Carb-Protein-Fat ration was consistent and that I continued to workout (primarily more resistance training), I just felt "blah" during my scheduled weigh-ins. Last weekend (I know this is an excuse), I went back home and indulged in bbq and all that other stuff. I got back on track, but shortly fell off track starting on Friday. I overloaded on carbs. Continued with that cycle on Saturday and well into Sunday. :( I got some workouts in, but they felt useless. Just the feeling of being "un-fit" put me in my own mental prison again.

I think I got myself free'd up and I'm ready to hit the road running tomorrow, but it's been a very unproductive, lazy, and mentally unfocused weekend.

I stared thinking about Social Anxiety and experiences I've had recently. I still get panic attacks, but I see the relationship between that and work-stress management. Work has been kicking my ass and the stress from it is slowly creeping up on me. If I get a good hold on it, then I have a good hold on my workouts, which usually lead me to have a good hold on my eating habits. However, if one things gets thrown off, the rest follows :(

My mind and thoughts wander. This weekend, while picking up sandwiches at a nearby restaurant with my sister. I got that feeling. The way the restaurant is  setup for pickup. You walk past an outside area where there are people eating. The inside is cramped. I'm waiting with my sister and patiently waiting for them to call my number. The place starts to feel more cramped as people walk in. I sit down, put my head down, and just try to stay loose. Yet, my body is overheating. I feel sweat forming and I don't fight it. I just try to relax as much as I can. Moments like that are tough, but there's no easy way to take it in. Best way to deal with it is to just acknowledge it and to let it run its course. The more you deny it and fight it, the more intense the panic becomes and the longer it resides with you.

I beat up myself today. I ate a big chocolate chip cookie, one dark chocolate bar. I probably had an 800 calorie beef broccoli dish for lunch. I've also been drinking an extraordinary amount of coffee lately. It's the sugar. I'm addicted to the sugar and caffeine. :( I need to regain control over it. I'm not saying cut it off, but I need to set a limit.

This is my (re)start. It's a good way of managing my thoughts. Tomorrow is another day. The damage that has been done is yesterday's doing and needs to stay there. I can work with what I have and it's good to know I'm still in great shape. I might have lost a little confidence in myself, but I still have plenty. Time to put in the work.

Lunch Time Leading

Just a quick note about something that happened today. Just thinking about the lunch I had with my coworker (the same coworker I vented about in my last entry). Our big major projects and deadlines have simmered down just a little bit, so there's less tension in our office workspace.

One thing I realized was... during lunch, I went first to order. I was given a number and had to be the lead in finding a seat. This type of "leading" freaks me out. My old habit would of let him go first so that he could choose the seating arrangement and I would follow. It also didn't help that the restaurant was crowded with a couple of tables open. Alas, I lead the charge. I was on my own navigating towards one of the only open tables. A lot of people around and semi close quarters. Once I cemented our seating arrangements, everything was fine.

Weird how it just dawned on me. I just did something semi-automatically today, that would of totally freaked me out and send me into panic mode 6 month's ago.

There are two basic choices we have in dealing with our struggles:
#1. Make Excuses or #2. Make Progress

Progress! You have to keep at it. Whether you make big or small gains, it's progress.

How bout some Freewriting, what do you say?

I decided to write tonight. This is to counter the bad habit's I've been indulging in today. I've been making great progress in my fitness and half-marathon training. I have this vision of where it's heading and it's self-sabotage. It's a pattern I'm very familiar with. It needs to stop. Sub-consciously, I think that I'm easing up and slowing down on my fitness goals. Of course, this is due to possibly being very close to my intermediate goals. It's one of those mental and physical blocks I get. Once I see myself close to that finish line, I tend to relax and ease up. I can't and I shouldn't. I need to remind myself that there's other goals I need to reach after passing this one.

So when I come to my senses and I realize what I'm doing to myself, I'm also reminded of the stress m under at work. Dealing with hectic deadlines, urgent projects that Project Managers seem to feel need more priority over other Project Leads. I'm having to deal with an ever-so-annoying coworker who has this innate habit of venting his problems to me, while disingenuously filling me in on his supposed "great" conversations he has with the higher-ups. Here's the facts. I shouldn't say that, because this is just my opinion. He's full of bullshit. He has this need to establish or validate his "time-wasting" with how much hours he works. He does not get the concept of Quality over Quantity. I feel he misinterprets things. When a higher up asks him for his opinion on something. It doesn't mean for him to stay after work hours to do research and stay on the clock for it. He's very uncomfortable with silence and always has to break the ice. He's uncomfortable with himself and where he's at. He's insecure. He's acting out by trying to validate himself with bullshit things. He's always having to share what he talked about with some other coworker. Yet there I am, soaking it in and smiling. His fake'ness has made me fake to where I have to fake my smiles. Why do I have to entertain him? That's what it's feeling like. I'm either his therapist or entertainment. My personality won't let me tell him to F off. 

Anyways, for myself, I take into account that whatever I do or say has an effect on everyone. That is why I try to conduct myself professionally and end up holding back on my words. The only mistake I've engaged in, has been venting out some of my frustrations to another coworker that shared the same sentiments, which ignited him to go bring things up to our Director.

Things have to get shaken up a bit in order for things to change. I guess that applies to all (work, fitness, personal development, etc.). 

I've been stuffing my face today with carbs and coffee to soak in this stress. I'm letting it get to me. I'm adding onto it. I realize now that I need to let it go. Now that I've realized it, and shaken up by it, I'm taking the appropriate steps in correcting it. I didn't get a workout in today, but I got my legs rested. The only problem, is that I feel restless rather than rested.

Before I go to bed, I need to allow at least 3 hours to pass to digest tonight's dinner. I need to do a light warmup and do extensive stretch exercises tonight to get my legs ready for tomorrow's 13-mile run. I also need to rehydrate myself.

As for work, I probably won't do anymore work-related projects tonight and I will continue tomorrow morning after my long run. With the stress from work and coworkers, I need to remember.. "LET IT GO".

And of course, all of this writing and getting in tune with myself is my way of alleviating and taking preventative measures towards my struggle with social anxiety and panic attacks. I still get them of course, but I feel I have a better grasp of it. I'll still get my panic sweats, especially when I'm being watched over by someone of authority. Yet, I'm feeling more comfortable around more situations. More importantly, I'm much more comfortable being in my own skin. Being me. Being more outgoing. When I say outgoing, that doesn't mean being extroverted. I mean being more active. I am and will be an introverted person, but that doesn't have to be a disability. People who choose to have interest in me are people worth keeping in your life. I'm thankful for many things and keeping busy helps me handle my anxieties and panic. You just have to find a balance in everything: Balance, gain confidence, and being yourself (finding yourself is another story).