The Quirks of Trying to Get to Know Someone

This entry isn't specifically social anxiety or panic attack focused, however those things still affect me. Even though I'm still affected by SA, it's not so much of a focus for me as it has been in the past. It's more of a workable situation for me rather than debilitating "thing" for me.

As the title of this entry is called "The Quirks of Trying to Get to Know Someone"... It involves myself in a light I haven't been in awhile. I wrote about the initial situation in my previous entry and the whole situation has went from Hot, Warm, Cold and back to Luke Warm. I know this person's head isn't where she wants it to be. I'm also not the type to keep at it or chase. I give as much freedom and I keep posted as I feel I should. I good night here and there and if the person feels like chatting, then I'm there.

There have been situations with curious flirting involved. Talks about meeting up next time I'm in town  and just hanging out.  I think, because I joke around too much, that she doesn't believe me or has a hard time believing me that I'm actually in town.

I'm not really hard pressed about hanging out, but... I am a bit dejected in a sense. I feel as if I did put myself out there a bit to get to know this person. I have no idea what's happening on her side of the wall, but.... I don't know. I can only assume and I tend to overanalyze things and that's my problem. I told her last night I'd hit her up and see what her plans are like. I've texted her two times today, which was met with no response. I'm assuming the worse or interpreting things as "okay... things are cool, I'll just clip this situation".

I plan to make one last attempt to just say, "hey if your free and want to hangout.. maybe we can catch a movie, if not... cool. I'll catch you some other time" but basically... some other time means.... never.

I don't like getting myself or putting myself out there and having this type of situation. I know there's a lot of other things involved in this "situation" but, yah... I'll probably meet up with another friend tonight and just vent out about this situation. Hehehe... I don't know what I'm doing and as exciting this ride has been, I also don't like how much I anticipate things.

Next time...

interest(ed)

This doesn't happen often, or maybe I don't have my eyes and ears open as often. A few weeks ago, during Christmas, when I visited my friend and had that panic-sweat-outburst... I seem to have made an impression on one of the ladies in the crowd. I received a message from her a few days later and we've been texting each other ever since.

Now, there's a few complications that stand in the way, but besides that... I'm starting to recall those feelings of when you have a "crush". The feelings you get when... you start to question your every move, response, reaction towards the other person. You think about, did i message too early, did I say too much, am I being to dull?

Then, with social media (Facebook, twitter, etc), you get a glimpse of the person's thoughts. So, then you start to assume things like... "ohhh she's definitely not over that person, but she's trying to get to know me... but what can really happen between us?

I'm getting all these thoughts and all these feelings. I'm getting all these quick reactions and judgements. I'm starting to question myself on certain things, then... i sit and think about it. Oh yah, there's those other  complicated factors that's not even into play, yet I'm here on the other end wondering if our banter will escalate into an actual voice-phone conversation and eventually person to person hangout.

I don't know... Now I remember why I stressed so much in college, but also felt alive. :)

New Years Eve

My NYE has been pretty much the same for the past 4 or 5 years. I've spent it by staying in. Mainly by default, but also because I'm comfortable that way. However, I hate the "lying" part. I have to pretend or tell coworkers that I'm probably spending it with friends or that I have to work. That is the part I feel guilty or ashamed of. I just feel as if I will be looked at as pathetic if I'm not out doing anything.

It is true this year that I have to work. I'll be spending the morning, 9 am to 1 pm, working. I have to be on a conference bridge while I verify web files for our web release. Yeah, its cool that I have that to fall back on as an excuse... but there's just something about how I am spending my NYE (or possibly my life) this way.

There's a part of me that wants something different, yet I've balked or avoided opportunities to be out. I could of gone to San Diego and spent NYE with my cousin's family in law. I could of went back home and spent it there. I possibly could of spent it briefly with a friend, which I've missed certain chances to meet up with.

I do feel changes are a foot and I'm feeling different. I feel older. As lost or out-of-control as I can feel, I also feel good and in-control of the possibilities.

My love-life is relatively the same, yet I've noticed a few things. Maybe, it's because I'm older or the fact that I'm out there more (compared to previous years). I think just being out at gatherings and more in front of people stirs up more interest.

Financially, I'm stable again and I'm able to save and payoff a lot of things. I'm trying to make the most of things.

Social Anxiety... well that's another story. I no longer have those fears of even stepping into places like Target or Grocery Markets. I'm still shaky at restaurants, depending on who I'm with, but I've been okay lately. It's a toss up with me when I'm at family & friend gatherings. I can be cool as ice and play along with people joking, but I can be the opposite the next time and break a sweat with just a glance. With me, it's all about confidence. When I'm confident going into something, I can go a long way. When I'm unsure and in self-doubt going into anything, then I'm basically dead in the water.

Health... I am not as healthy or fit as I was a year ago. I've been battling my weight, but I'm on track. Maybe I've lost a step or two, but I just have to keep on trucking.

Much more things to reevaluate and goals to setup. I look forward to the new year and I would like to wish everyone a warm and welcoming 2012.

Peace and Love,

Mr Shy & Timid