Tuesday, January 11, 2011
Quick Rant #6
My sleep schedule has been off. It's probably due to the one night last week where I stayed up 30+ hours. It's now 4:38 a.m and the past few days I've been going to bed at 4 a.m. To offset my horrible sleeping hours, I'm going to stay up the whole day and try to go to bed at a more decent hour tonight (midnight?).
Saturday, January 8, 2011
5 Minute Freewriting #22
Happy New Years! After a week or so back home, and now a week back in the apartment. I feel very unproductive. I tried organizing all my stuff. I tried to get all my priorities in order and shift my focus on what needs to be done. Yet, I found myself easily distracted or allowing myself to checkout as a way to NOT COPE with reality (Job, Career, Finances, Bills, etc).
I feel as if I'm digging myself deeper and deeper into a hole. Surprisingly enough it doesn't feel like it deals with any social anxieties. It deals more with my career and finances. I got my car insurance situation out of the way. However, I have a slightly higher premium then what I was paying last year and this is because of a speeding ticket I couldn't clear up. I worried about having no projects or work coming my way, but that was slightly comforted. The main client/company I've been working as a contractor with still keeps in contact with me and I was in a conference call with them earlier this week.
I've been paid for small side projects and I've got a couple of more website projects coming up from other (small) clients as well. But where I keep digging myself into a hole is this whole UNPRODUCTIVENESS. It's really unbelievable at this point. I've lost focus on diet and fitness.
** end of 5-minute**
I can feel it in my body. It's like it has invaded my body and thoughts. I feel sluggish, I lost muscle tone and I can't get myself to work on my projects.
Yesterday didn't help. I went to meet up with a friend, because he wants me to create a website for his "mentor". However, this is the type of friend that I knew.... well I knew I would end up drinking a bit and feeling "not-like-myself" when hanging out with him. Our personalities don't clash, but they don't make me feel all to well. He's very assertive and I'm passive. He urges I drink or whatever unhealthy consumption he has and I oblige. I actually handle it better now. I turned down the drinks he kept making, because I was ready to leave his place and he doesn't get mad or is upset if I don't drink. It's more on me where I feel like I have to.
Anyways... So I end up cancelling on this meeting he wanted me to go to so I could meet his professor and I would be there to discuss and help plan the website. I just wasn't up for it, and the drinking from the night before had a role. I didn't want to partake in that again and I also felt ill. My body just feels ill. There's this tension around my neck and it's because I'm glued to computer and the seating is a little off.
However, I'm making little progress. I'll be talking with his other friend about a website this weekend. I'm starting to wireframe a redesign of my own website. I feel bad, but I think I've totally abandoned this website (pro bono) that I agreed to help on. I've started working on a wireframe design for a friend who already sent me a payment.
Yet I still feel unproductive. It's this stupid video game I downloaded and the thing is I really don't play video games. I downloaded last week and it consumed my time. It's made me stay up till the wee early hours of morning to only wake up in the middle of the day feeling out of place.
I deleted the game, but it doesn't help that I'm reinstalling it so I can play this weekend. Social Anxiety hasn't even been in my thoughts and nor has my panic attacks. Going out to meet with my friend yesterday and going for lunch wasn't really anxiety inducing at all. Driving there wasn't making me sweat. I told myself last year that I would sign up for this "Anxiety and Shyness" group in my area, but I never did. I don't want to make any promises here, but I'll post any breaking news.
Okay, I'm not sure what I've mumbled over the past 10 minutes, but that has been a much needed release.
HAPPY NEW YEARS EVERYONE!
I feel as if I'm digging myself deeper and deeper into a hole. Surprisingly enough it doesn't feel like it deals with any social anxieties. It deals more with my career and finances. I got my car insurance situation out of the way. However, I have a slightly higher premium then what I was paying last year and this is because of a speeding ticket I couldn't clear up. I worried about having no projects or work coming my way, but that was slightly comforted. The main client/company I've been working as a contractor with still keeps in contact with me and I was in a conference call with them earlier this week.
I've been paid for small side projects and I've got a couple of more website projects coming up from other (small) clients as well. But where I keep digging myself into a hole is this whole UNPRODUCTIVENESS. It's really unbelievable at this point. I've lost focus on diet and fitness.
** end of 5-minute**
I can feel it in my body. It's like it has invaded my body and thoughts. I feel sluggish, I lost muscle tone and I can't get myself to work on my projects.
Yesterday didn't help. I went to meet up with a friend, because he wants me to create a website for his "mentor". However, this is the type of friend that I knew.... well I knew I would end up drinking a bit and feeling "not-like-myself" when hanging out with him. Our personalities don't clash, but they don't make me feel all to well. He's very assertive and I'm passive. He urges I drink or whatever unhealthy consumption he has and I oblige. I actually handle it better now. I turned down the drinks he kept making, because I was ready to leave his place and he doesn't get mad or is upset if I don't drink. It's more on me where I feel like I have to.
Anyways... So I end up cancelling on this meeting he wanted me to go to so I could meet his professor and I would be there to discuss and help plan the website. I just wasn't up for it, and the drinking from the night before had a role. I didn't want to partake in that again and I also felt ill. My body just feels ill. There's this tension around my neck and it's because I'm glued to computer and the seating is a little off.
However, I'm making little progress. I'll be talking with his other friend about a website this weekend. I'm starting to wireframe a redesign of my own website. I feel bad, but I think I've totally abandoned this website (pro bono) that I agreed to help on. I've started working on a wireframe design for a friend who already sent me a payment.
Yet I still feel unproductive. It's this stupid video game I downloaded and the thing is I really don't play video games. I downloaded last week and it consumed my time. It's made me stay up till the wee early hours of morning to only wake up in the middle of the day feeling out of place.
I deleted the game, but it doesn't help that I'm reinstalling it so I can play this weekend. Social Anxiety hasn't even been in my thoughts and nor has my panic attacks. Going out to meet with my friend yesterday and going for lunch wasn't really anxiety inducing at all. Driving there wasn't making me sweat. I told myself last year that I would sign up for this "Anxiety and Shyness" group in my area, but I never did. I don't want to make any promises here, but I'll post any breaking news.
Okay, I'm not sure what I've mumbled over the past 10 minutes, but that has been a much needed release.
HAPPY NEW YEARS EVERYONE!
Sunday, January 2, 2011
No Sleep Till Brooklyn
The night just hit me into realization. Not in the Mental or Social Anxiety sense. But in a Career & Financial realization. It also doesn't help that I'm a bit delirious right now. I've been up for about 33+ hours. I've done the full 24 hours back in college, but I'm nearing 40 hours. I'm not at the point where my eyelids are heavy. I'm really at the point where I feel light and like I'm floating. I have a feeling this is going to end badly tonight or whenever I fall asleep. This light and floaty feeling usually means I'm prone to night terrors or night paralysis. Those are horrible. Even though I'm familiar with those dreams or sleep state, I'm still not use to them.
So what started my "no-sleep-up-all-night" behavior? The truth is, and I'm just reading into it now, there is always an underlying reason. I wanted to be distracted. I wanted to "NOT THINK" about the "REALITY" of my life. I know that sounds vague, but… It involves and encompasses many things. From my self-sabotage to self-acceptance. From my "What am I doing with my Career?" to "Are my Finances Even in Order?" From actually getting fit and losing a little weight (even to where I felt good about it) before the Christmas Holiday to completely eating home cooked meals and no workouts. It's all of those things. It's everything. It's me not wanting to realize, recognize and accept things they way they are at the moment. It's me blocking out those thoughts and feelings and becoming pervious to them. It was me wanting to organize my sh*t together for the new year, but realizing what a mess I made here and there in 2010.
So I stayed up playing a Video Game (Civilization V), which is very unlike me to do. However, it got me to not think about my life. These types of games (i.e. The Sims, Civilization, etc.,) where you get to control other people or countries or civilizations and cultivate them…. It always fascinates me. If you look at it (and it probably isn't as deep as I'm making it sound).. I'm more consumed in controlling, playing, reliving someone else's "life" but I don't want to take responsibility and accountability for mine at the moment. It's all bad procrastination.
I finally got myself to sit down and look at my budget, my cash flow, expenses, and debt. I'm fortunate and I'm doing okay. Maybe I'm cutting it close and I'm close to that "living check-by-check" lifestyle, but I do have emergency funds if I needed it. I just don't want to even dip into those funds. So I'll have more stuff to look at an analyze. I can probably cut a little here and cut a little there. Finish up some projects and.. yes… Finally take a longer, and maybe permanent, job. Reality. That's what it is for me right now. That's what I'm avoiding. Mix Social Anxiety and sudden Panic Attacks, and there you have it.
I do feel better. I do feel much more accomplished, but I''ll tell you this… I'm going back and playing my game tonight. Hopefully I'm not up for a full 48 hours, but I want to complete the game.
So what started my "no-sleep-up-all-night" behavior? The truth is, and I'm just reading into it now, there is always an underlying reason. I wanted to be distracted. I wanted to "NOT THINK" about the "REALITY" of my life. I know that sounds vague, but… It involves and encompasses many things. From my self-sabotage to self-acceptance. From my "What am I doing with my Career?" to "Are my Finances Even in Order?" From actually getting fit and losing a little weight (even to where I felt good about it) before the Christmas Holiday to completely eating home cooked meals and no workouts. It's all of those things. It's everything. It's me not wanting to realize, recognize and accept things they way they are at the moment. It's me blocking out those thoughts and feelings and becoming pervious to them. It was me wanting to organize my sh*t together for the new year, but realizing what a mess I made here and there in 2010.
So I stayed up playing a Video Game (Civilization V), which is very unlike me to do. However, it got me to not think about my life. These types of games (i.e. The Sims, Civilization, etc.,) where you get to control other people or countries or civilizations and cultivate them…. It always fascinates me. If you look at it (and it probably isn't as deep as I'm making it sound).. I'm more consumed in controlling, playing, reliving someone else's "life" but I don't want to take responsibility and accountability for mine at the moment. It's all bad procrastination.
I finally got myself to sit down and look at my budget, my cash flow, expenses, and debt. I'm fortunate and I'm doing okay. Maybe I'm cutting it close and I'm close to that "living check-by-check" lifestyle, but I do have emergency funds if I needed it. I just don't want to even dip into those funds. So I'll have more stuff to look at an analyze. I can probably cut a little here and cut a little there. Finish up some projects and.. yes… Finally take a longer, and maybe permanent, job. Reality. That's what it is for me right now. That's what I'm avoiding. Mix Social Anxiety and sudden Panic Attacks, and there you have it.
I do feel better. I do feel much more accomplished, but I''ll tell you this… I'm going back and playing my game tonight. Hopefully I'm not up for a full 48 hours, but I want to complete the game.
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