Freewriting

I wrote this entry with my eyes closed and in the dark. I wrote it as I got ready for bed. I have many typos and grammatical errors. I just typed out where my thoughts felt like going. Maybe, Maybe not, I'll revisit this post and clean it up.. but I'm to tired at this point. I'm just glad I have this refreshed feeling that I got out of this writing exercise.

I now have very busy work weeks. My schedule is crazy and I have a few hours at night to just unwind, which I should take advantage of, because I'm sitting in front of a computer nearly 24/7. I have the tendency to pile my thoughts until it's completely buried and I have a reoccurring pattern with how horrible I feel. Or how insecure I am and ridden with anxiety. I want to take this opportunity, as I get ready for bed.. to freewrite, unwind, and clear up some head space.

Sunday was a bit of a setback for me. I went out for lunch in Downtown LA with my sister, brother-in-law, and a family friend. I'm able to be rational afterwards and realize what my pitfalls and triggers where. When my sister brought up the idea of going to this German Hot Dog place in a trendy/artsy area in LA, I automatically dreaded it. I didn't even give a cheerful "yes" answer. I had more of a "okay, iI guess" answer.

I don't know why, exactly, but I dreaded it for a few reasons. I was afraid I'd have to be the driver. That conjured up feelings of driving into downtown LA. Driving on my own to unchartered territory is one thing. I feel a bit comfortable doing that, because if I got lost or made a wrong turn... I had no audience or set of eyes watching me. I wouldn't feel as much pressure as I would if I had a car full of people.  Another reason is that... I find the bigger downtown city area a bit intimidating. Parking, traffic and different and busy roads.

I admit that I wasn't open to the idea at all, yet I went along with it and I forced myself to go. I forced myself physically, but not mentally. I didn't allow myself to have a "change of thought" on the subject. I kind of made it a situation where it was like "okay.. let's just get it over with" rather than "okay.. maybe I'll enjoy this place"

Once the moment came and it came closer, I tried opening up more to it. I was ready. I didn't have to drive, but I was thrown off a bit when I found out that day that my sister's friend would be joining. Okay, that's fine, because I'm okay with talking to her. The positive things that happened, were... I was able to be engaged in coversation with everyone. From the car ride over to the hotdog place.

However, once we got to the place... We lined up to place orders. Probably 10 minutes into it... I was standing, waiting to order and I just felt the heat rising quite a bit. It slowly inched towards me. I wasn't drenched or sweating bullets yet. Once we got to the communal area.. I think that's when I started to get myself into a frenzy. The communal area wasn't even packed, yet the area we sat in felt very constricting. I sat on this small stool where we had this tiny table. I just kind of felt like I was on stage the whole time. As always, when out with my sister and bro-in-law, I feel out of place. I really don't have any where to look. I'm constantly scanning the area or just zoning out. Making brief eye contact with both of them. It's not that it's awkward, but maybe I make things awkward for myself. I did make a run to the bathroom early on to wipe myself down and cool off my thoughts. Everytime I went back to my seat/stool... I just felt this very cramp and constricted personal space. I had a few moments of "wanting to flee". I told my sister later that it was hard for me to enjoy the food (which everyone raves about), because my experience was hijacked by my anxiety and panic. I felt hot under the gun. I started to sweat. The beer I drank didn't help. The hint of spiciness on my hotdog didnt help. The sudden panic feelings didnt help. I just felt the sweat dripping from my head to the side of my face. I felt my body perspiring. I was a total mess for a short few minutes. I finally regrouped without escaping the scene, but I couldn't enjoy the food. It really did take me awhile and I had to refrain from eating. My apetitite was shot.

After Lunch was done and I was back at the apartment. I think the situation completely drained me. I fell asleep for a long nap. Woke up a bit dazed and... I still had thoughts of the Lunch on my mind. I couldn't let go of how thigns went. I understand that, once you're in the moment... You can't do anything. Forcing yourself to "not" be that way only escalates and makes thigns worse. Accepting the situation and your feelings helps calm things down and speeds up the process, but it doesn't rid or prevent the "situation".

I'm glad to be where I'm at now, meaning my state of mind. I understand what happened and I see what led up to it. There could hve been things I could have done, but I didn't. Even though I had a somewhat draining experience, the intensity was a bit high, but it didn't last that long. The fact that I chose to focus on this now and then move on is a big step.

Clearing out my mind.... Not letting things pile up during a busy work week. This is part of the process and this is part of maintenance that I have to be consistent with.

Back Into the Groove of Things

There you are and here I am. It's been awhile hasn't it? I've definitely had you in mind, but I've been extremely busy. I'd like to think and feel that I've learned from my past mistakes and experiences. As long as I continue to have these inner dialogues. Correction, these inner monologues, I think it will help in understanding "myself" rather than oppressing "myself" causing a great deal of stress, strain, anxiety and panic.

I'm back in the office workplace. For how long, I'm not to sure, but I do know it will be for a good while. It's a different type of pace than working at home. There is much more stress. Much more balance is needed, yet it keeps me busy. It keeps me away from focusing on social anxiety or panic. Instead, I'm back to grinding things out and feeling certain pressures to get things correctly done. However, I'm liking it. I'm just trying not to engage in a coworker's very bleek, negative, and counter-productive attitude.

During my first day/week at the office, I was a bit nervous. I did notice that working at home as a freelancer made me comfortable. I ate whenever. I ate whatever. I worked in pajamas or shorts. I let myself go a bit. I felt like a boxer entering his training camp a bit overweight. I'm starting to feel more fit, but I don't feel comfortable in my clothes just yet. I did start to run (after work) 4 days out of the work week. I try to eat healthy, but my coworker persuades me to eat out for lunch. I'm dealing with it, but I know I can get back into fighting shape. My goal is to feel fit and look fit by my 30th Birthday (which is coming up in a couple of months).
I worried about my "sweating" problem. I worried about running into former coworkers and making chit chat. After my first day, I was a bit more comfortable. No panic attacks, no sweating, and no problems. I'm able to make eye contact with coworkers. I'm able to chat and greet people. I'm able to eat lunch in the break room without feeling too uncomfortable.

Things are going good. I'll be able to save money, pay off bills, and hopefully pay off my car quicker than planned. I don't have to worry about getting paychecks from my client (the company I do freelance for). Yet, I continue to work freelance during the weekends and off hours. This money allows me to save up more.

I'd also like to mention a big victory or at least reassure myself that I was able to do something very important today. I had my regular checkup at the dentist office today. I was a bit nervous and had thoughts about feeling panic and sweating (as usual). I usually feel warm when they put that spotlight on me while they clean my teeth. During that process, I did feel that lamp on me. I did have those thoughts. Yet, they were met with calming thoughts. I reassured myself that things were okay and that I was fine. No burst of intense panic or shift in body temperature. I was able to keep cool and make conversation with my dentist. Certain moments I did feel warm or I tensed up... but that was because he was cleaning my teeth and was close to my gums. I did really well and I was proud of myself for doing this normal everyday thing. I felt comfortable.

I've Been Busy

I've been missing in action. A bit busy. Commuting 60+ miles round trip for work again. I'm carpooling. Saving gas and time. I avoid traffic by running/walking after work. I've encountered many social situations during my first day of the job and I handled it okay. Only a couple of times did I feel a bit warm under the light, but I managed. My first week I worried about underarm sweat, but not so much this week.

It's good to have routine. It's good to be busy, thinking and worrying about other things other than my own personal struggles (anxiety, panic, insecurities, etc.). Yet, I also have to remember how to manage my stress. Work still can be stressful and giving too much time to the team "disgruntled" worker can have negative effects as well.

I'm extremely busy again. More active, with plans, and a schedule. What would I be doing if I didn't negotiate and land this contract? I could be driving myself crazy, worrying about financial matters. At the moment, I'm at a good place. I want to make progress and make up for lost time.

Good Night and sweet dreams...