Exposure - Saturday, July 10, 2010

A day after the engagement party I attended, I felt good. I felt accomplished and I was positive about running errands around town (back in my hometown). I ]planned on running to SaveMart to do some groceries and buy some strawberries at a local strawberry stand. I went in thinking of this experience as a challenge. I didn't have any "sweat" attacks. I was comfortable waiting in line when it was time to pay, and I felt comfortable asking questions about my strawberries when I went to the local fruit stand. I experienced success in that I didn't have many ANTs nor did I have to over-think the situation while experiencing it at the moment.

Later during the day, my dad wanted to join me and run errands. I wanted to buy some flowers at SaveMart, run by CVS (Pharmacy/Personal Care Store), and pick up dinner. I don't really have trouble making calls, especially if I'm prepared, but I admit I usually dread it. I placed an order for take-out at a Thai Food Restaurant with no problems. My pops and I headed into town and we arrived at SaveMart. 

I encountered a minor setback. I feel that because my dad was with me, I was a bit more self-conscious than usual. I allowed ANTs to run around in my head. I did encounter thoughts of "I think I just recognized someone. I think that person is looking at me. I don't want to make eye contact"

Success: I paid for the items without breaking into sweat. It wasn't till we walked out of the grocery market that I felt relieved and then I started to sweat. I feel it was due to the anxieties and the 95+ degree type weather outside.

Great, I let the thoughts of "sweating" enter my mind. My dad and I head to CVS. We enter the store, and they have fans running (instead of air conditioning) . My dad picks up an item and we go pay for it. I stood there waiting just looking around. I just started to feel warm and it didn't help that the weather was hot.

After that situation, it was time to pick-up the take-out food I ordered. I was more worried that I would have a "sweat" attack at the restaurant. My dad opted to stay in the car, and I went in by myself. I felt more comfortable. I entered the restaurant on my own with a few families inside having dinner. The waitress/hostess came by and I chatted a little and let her know I was there to pick up my order. I paid for the food and left. No sweat.

Later that night, I was declined an opportunity to go out and attend a night club/lounge just for a brief moment. I cancelled plans on it. I didn't feel ready or peppared. I felt like I took on many challenges that weekend already, so I didn't want to overwhelm myself. My friend invited me over for a bbq with his family instead. I was going to go, but I already planned dinner with my dad and so I passed up on that.

In the experiences mentioned above, I encountered success followed up with mini-setbacks. I felt good about going through the situations and I wasn't dwelling too much on the setbacks I had.

Exposure

This past month I've started to take note, with more effort, on the success and setbacks I have had with Social Anxiety. I started to make a list of exposures and experiences along with the small victories and setbacks that followed.

Talking about small victories might NOT sound like a great deal, but recognizing and realizing the success you are accumulating during your experience plays a big role in overcoming Social Anxiety. It is also important to recognize your setbacks. Setbacks aren't meant to be looked at as failure. True, it might make you feel drained or like a defeated person. However, It is important to learn from the setbacks. Challenge the setbacks and rationalize what happened during the setback. 

My intended attitude is to keep moving forward.

Friday, Saturday, Sunday

I can still remember it. I was this chubby, shy, and quiet eleven year old boy in the fifth grade. I was friendly with everyone in class. I had three good friends that I'd play with during break-time. Every year I would win academic awards along with my prized citizenship award (which basically means your one of the nicest individuals in class). I credit that to being shy, quiet, and a likable person.

I remember that year we had a new student that transferred from Kentucky. Her name, Hilary. She was a lively girl. She wasn't afraid to speak her mind. She had one mean right hook. She fought with all the boys. She had the mouth of a sailor and never backed down. Then it happened.

This was back in the days, where passing a note to someone meant you were an item. When going to recess the next period meant the entire 4th, 5th, and 6th grade class knew everything.

The situation took place on a Friday afternoon. Girl asks boy to walk with her. Boy agrees. Girl asks boy out. Boy says okay. Girl is happy. Boy doesn't know what to think. Boy talks to girl on a Sunday and breaks things off.

That was my first, short lived, boyfriend/girlfriend relationship experience. Yup, our relationship was spent only 1/2 day at school and 1 1/2 days on the phone. I didn't know what to think. I was really surprised someone liked me. I liked her too, but I worried and focused on what everyone else would think. Nice guy going out with the new tough girl. What if I get made fun of? What if I get teased? This was the first time I broke someone's little heart. I was nervous and anxious about the whole situation.

I've mentioned how my journey to overcome SA stems from the pressures of being single. I actually use to write a lot about this subject. I've written about my encounters with love, crushes, and heartbreaks. I figured that if I wrote down and told a story, that I could find something. A solution. I thought, maybe, I would be able to get myself to not-be-shy.

As I'm writing this, I'm thinking about and wondering what I can get out my experiences. I look back at this story and I see how self-conscious I was. How I worried more about the opinions of others rather than my own. The guilt and anxiety of breaking up with her. Is this typical? Is this a normal phase in grade school? The feelings of "not wanting to be a bad guy". I wonder if I repeated the same thoughts, emotions, and feelings in other experiences. I know that I was a kid, but I'm just seeing where this takes me. I think I'll ride this out and see what I might uncover.