It's my last night here in the city of the Bay. I've experienced the whole downtown area, the BART, the parking, traffic, hills, bums, a wedding, and the usual panic and anxieties (whether it's social or not).
I'll say that I had a brief panic attack on my flight to SF. I started to break sweat after getting through the metal detectors and x-ray scan of my luggage. While waiting for my friend as he was talking to one of his buddies working, I started to break sweat.
After feeling like an ant blinded by the bright lights of the city, I had a wide array of experiences here in San Francisco. During the wedding, I felt it coming. My body temperature was rising. I felt the heat from the lamps above the church floor. The flash of the camera's made me conscious. It happened. I broke sweat at the alter and regained my composure after being seated.
Let me just say... Things turned out great. Ended with a drunk reception party, a great breakfast for a hangover and a better lunch/dinner that cured my hangover. Ending this adventure with Positivity.
Monday, June 13, 2011
Sunday, June 5, 2011
Reflecting On Another Week
Earlier this week, I came back from a weekend getaway in Las Vegas for my friend's Bachelor's Party weekend. When I arrived back home, I couldn't shake off the feeling of irritation and being somewhat hostile. I don't act out my aggression and I can recognize that I'm a bit passive aggressive. I tend to do things indirectly to point out that I'm not happy. Whether it's being short with answers or putting up a wall and closing a healthy line of communication. I think from past experience, I don't like making a scene and I don't like making things publicly awkward (meaning, I keep a lot of things inside and built up). I avoid confrontation, which I know can blow up in my face. I also try to avoid saying anything, (probably because I hate the attention I get when I talk), because it's likely over something stupid. The main reason I was upset, which I kept running in my head, was due to trash. I just started to feel like I was the only one doing the daily chores and because I work from home that I can easily do the small chores around the apartment. The more I looked at it, it had to do a lot with being cramped and trapped inside my room. When I say trapped, I mean I tend to trap my self. I work an entire day in my room and I only go out to walk the dog or for my daily jog. I hardly spend time in the living room area and I've been eating in my room a lot lately.
All of this came to an end late in the week, which I'm glad it did. I made a video blog about my frustrations and most of my irritated and aggravated state was lifted. I felt more at ease that I expressed myself, even if it was through a different venue, and I allowed myself to remove the wall and be more open to small talk. I ended up making small talk and had a conversation with my brother in law. I was more attentive towards my sister when I would talk to her. I just feel better as a whole. I think trapping myself in my room can be bad and I'm glad I got myself out of that funk.
Also, I've been working on my friend's (the couple getting married) wedding slideshow. I am actually happy with what I've produced so far. They love it as well. The music and photo transitions really work well with each other. I've been presenting them with video preview links and taking in all there request and fitting it into what I've created. Just yesterday, I met up with the soon to be married couple along with the groom's (he's been a friend since college) friend's (all married and have kids already). I noticed the small things, like the wife to be is still the same. Always angry or irritated and in need of a way to vent. Nothing's change and I think everyone going to the wedding is looking forward to the wedding other then the wife to be. It's a weird dynamic and I really think the wife to be will be miserable no matter what until she works on herself. My friend is a good guy and he willingly takes all the blame, aggression, and negative remarks from her. I don't get it, but he does and he loves her. She see's it, but can't help it. Fast forward to this morning… I received a txt message from her and it said "Don't worry about the slideshow anymore, the wedding is off!"
It sounds typical and in a way… I think she wanted me to get involved and talk her down the ledge. I don't know what to say or what to do. I haven't even messaged my friend yet about it. I only messaged my friend's friend to find out if anything happened after our outing. Apparently, she was upset or allowed things to build up and her frustrations against my friend got out of hand. True, after the dinner the girls were suppose to go out and hang out together. However, they stayed at a friends.. drank wine… and had the kids, while the guys took my friend out for another hoorah of drinks (which apparently were at another gentlemen's club). Nothing crazy, it was really just more about drinking and bullsh*tting with the fellas.
From what I heard, she was fed up with him not helping out with the wedding. Also with him not helping with daily chores or daily things. His side of the guest list was unorganized. I know from first hand how stressful wedding planning is. I know the aggravation and the horrible angry feelings it brings out in a person. So.. yes I can see where she's coming from and she's right. But on the other hand, that's just how my friend is and that's how he's always been. She's been with him for how long and has he ever changed his demeanor? Not only that, if he does help out or is more hands-on… that leaves him to be criticized and she'll still be upset at him for not doing things right.
Sooo.. I really don't know if the wedding is really off or not. I think everyone going, including myself, believes things will blow over and things will continue as planned. I really hope its still happening, because I have plane tickets and hotel reservations already planned. I fly out Wednesday and I'm waiting for an official phone call rather than a text message and FaceBook status update.
Here's to marriage and the happiness it brings.
Peace & Love,
Mr Shy & Timid
All of this came to an end late in the week, which I'm glad it did. I made a video blog about my frustrations and most of my irritated and aggravated state was lifted. I felt more at ease that I expressed myself, even if it was through a different venue, and I allowed myself to remove the wall and be more open to small talk. I ended up making small talk and had a conversation with my brother in law. I was more attentive towards my sister when I would talk to her. I just feel better as a whole. I think trapping myself in my room can be bad and I'm glad I got myself out of that funk.
Also, I've been working on my friend's (the couple getting married) wedding slideshow. I am actually happy with what I've produced so far. They love it as well. The music and photo transitions really work well with each other. I've been presenting them with video preview links and taking in all there request and fitting it into what I've created. Just yesterday, I met up with the soon to be married couple along with the groom's (he's been a friend since college) friend's (all married and have kids already). I noticed the small things, like the wife to be is still the same. Always angry or irritated and in need of a way to vent. Nothing's change and I think everyone going to the wedding is looking forward to the wedding other then the wife to be. It's a weird dynamic and I really think the wife to be will be miserable no matter what until she works on herself. My friend is a good guy and he willingly takes all the blame, aggression, and negative remarks from her. I don't get it, but he does and he loves her. She see's it, but can't help it. Fast forward to this morning… I received a txt message from her and it said "Don't worry about the slideshow anymore, the wedding is off!"
It sounds typical and in a way… I think she wanted me to get involved and talk her down the ledge. I don't know what to say or what to do. I haven't even messaged my friend yet about it. I only messaged my friend's friend to find out if anything happened after our outing. Apparently, she was upset or allowed things to build up and her frustrations against my friend got out of hand. True, after the dinner the girls were suppose to go out and hang out together. However, they stayed at a friends.. drank wine… and had the kids, while the guys took my friend out for another hoorah of drinks (which apparently were at another gentlemen's club). Nothing crazy, it was really just more about drinking and bullsh*tting with the fellas.
From what I heard, she was fed up with him not helping out with the wedding. Also with him not helping with daily chores or daily things. His side of the guest list was unorganized. I know from first hand how stressful wedding planning is. I know the aggravation and the horrible angry feelings it brings out in a person. So.. yes I can see where she's coming from and she's right. But on the other hand, that's just how my friend is and that's how he's always been. She's been with him for how long and has he ever changed his demeanor? Not only that, if he does help out or is more hands-on… that leaves him to be criticized and she'll still be upset at him for not doing things right.
Sooo.. I really don't know if the wedding is really off or not. I think everyone going, including myself, believes things will blow over and things will continue as planned. I really hope its still happening, because I have plane tickets and hotel reservations already planned. I fly out Wednesday and I'm waiting for an official phone call rather than a text message and FaceBook status update.
Here's to marriage and the happiness it brings.
Peace & Love,
Mr Shy & Timid
Wednesday, June 1, 2011
Bachelor's Weekend
This past weekend was spent at a Bachelor's Party, that lasted from Friday Night to Sunday Noon, for my friend (college and post-college). Prior to this event, I held onto a certain amount of stress and anxiety. As the days got closer and the more I talked with some of the guys in the group that were going, I felt a bit more at calm. At first I was convincing myself that I would have a bad time, because a friend of a friend (who I remember having an awkward moment with a few years ago) would be going. I was afraid I'd have to be in the same hotel room as him or on the same car ride.
I think preparation, planning ahead, and leaving room for flexibility is what helps me the most. I know some people who run on 80 percent flexibility and 20 percent preparation and planning. I can't operate that way and that would only spike up my anxiety and panic.
I made sure to bring proper clothing attire, pull out a good amount of cash, brought multivitamins, chose "healthier" choices when eating on the road, and reassuring myself that the weekend is going to be great. The weekend was ultimately for my friend and the guys going would bask in his bachelordom. I think for the majority of the time, I got myself to think outside of myself. Rather then worry and constantly think about how I might look being with "these" group of people (that sounds horrible and I actually sound and think that way most of the times)… I got myself to be thinking "I'm with a big group of friends and we're going to run Las Vegas".
The most anticipated moment, in my head, would be dealing with the Gentlemen's Club situation. I've wrote about this before and the truth is, I'm never enthusiastic about going to one.
Below are reason's why:
1. You're at the focus of attention from all the patrons.
2. A majority of them are aggressive.
3. You spend money / They hustle you for all of your money
4. The atmosphere is filled with smoke
The first night there and the actual planned night was actually handled with less anxiety and stressed as I anticipated. I knew what the weekend was meant to be. I did not put up any resistance and I accepted what we would be doing in Las Vegas: Gamble, Drink, and Gentlemen's Club.
The actual planned Bachelor's Party went off great. I think I enjoyed it, because it was planned and setup. Another friend had contacts with a club. We got a booth reserved. Limo picked us up and we had bottle service. I admit that alcohol had it's hand in my state of mind, but it was a weekend of hanging out with the guys. I was much looser and I was actually talking a lot with the patrons and just having fun with the bullsh*t my friends would throw at them.
"Ohh.. that's correct, I am the owner of the hottest IPO on the market right now"
Another thing I did was grow out my mustache for the month of May. It wasn't really planned, but when I saw how thick my mustache was growing in, I decided to keep it. The ends are starting to curl and I've never gotten that far. I usually get self-conscious about how I look with a mustache, but I allowed myself to grow with the look. In fact, I'm owning it, which is why I think I don't give a sh*t about the negative thoughts I would be having.
Here's how I think now: How will I be perceived by other people with this cheesy mustache vs. I'm going to bring grown man mustache swag back.
In conclusion, the weekend was great and I'm now recovering from the unhealthy eating, drinking, and cigarette smoking (yes, I know… I don't smoke, but I was drunk) and I'm trying to get myself in fighting shape. The wedding is coming up shortly and I have to get ready for that. I'm making the wedding slideshow, which will be presented during the reception dinner, for the couple and they like what I've done so far. I have a few edits and a lot of fine tuning to do.
Here's to believing in more of myself, to knowing that confidence is always there if I looked for it, and to accept any insecurities and being able to grow and develop from it.
I think preparation, planning ahead, and leaving room for flexibility is what helps me the most. I know some people who run on 80 percent flexibility and 20 percent preparation and planning. I can't operate that way and that would only spike up my anxiety and panic.
I made sure to bring proper clothing attire, pull out a good amount of cash, brought multivitamins, chose "healthier" choices when eating on the road, and reassuring myself that the weekend is going to be great. The weekend was ultimately for my friend and the guys going would bask in his bachelordom. I think for the majority of the time, I got myself to think outside of myself. Rather then worry and constantly think about how I might look being with "these" group of people (that sounds horrible and I actually sound and think that way most of the times)… I got myself to be thinking "I'm with a big group of friends and we're going to run Las Vegas".
The most anticipated moment, in my head, would be dealing with the Gentlemen's Club situation. I've wrote about this before and the truth is, I'm never enthusiastic about going to one.
Below are reason's why:
1. You're at the focus of attention from all the patrons.
2. A majority of them are aggressive.
3. You spend money / They hustle you for all of your money
4. The atmosphere is filled with smoke
The first night there and the actual planned night was actually handled with less anxiety and stressed as I anticipated. I knew what the weekend was meant to be. I did not put up any resistance and I accepted what we would be doing in Las Vegas: Gamble, Drink, and Gentlemen's Club.
The actual planned Bachelor's Party went off great. I think I enjoyed it, because it was planned and setup. Another friend had contacts with a club. We got a booth reserved. Limo picked us up and we had bottle service. I admit that alcohol had it's hand in my state of mind, but it was a weekend of hanging out with the guys. I was much looser and I was actually talking a lot with the patrons and just having fun with the bullsh*t my friends would throw at them.
"Ohh.. that's correct, I am the owner of the hottest IPO on the market right now"
Another thing I did was grow out my mustache for the month of May. It wasn't really planned, but when I saw how thick my mustache was growing in, I decided to keep it. The ends are starting to curl and I've never gotten that far. I usually get self-conscious about how I look with a mustache, but I allowed myself to grow with the look. In fact, I'm owning it, which is why I think I don't give a sh*t about the negative thoughts I would be having.
Here's how I think now: How will I be perceived by other people with this cheesy mustache vs. I'm going to bring grown man mustache swag back.
In conclusion, the weekend was great and I'm now recovering from the unhealthy eating, drinking, and cigarette smoking (yes, I know… I don't smoke, but I was drunk) and I'm trying to get myself in fighting shape. The wedding is coming up shortly and I have to get ready for that. I'm making the wedding slideshow, which will be presented during the reception dinner, for the couple and they like what I've done so far. I have a few edits and a lot of fine tuning to do.
Here's to believing in more of myself, to knowing that confidence is always there if I looked for it, and to accept any insecurities and being able to grow and develop from it.
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